


FanFicTheo

by blandade



Category: Hurts
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-07
Updated: 2012-03-07
Packaged: 2017-11-01 14:50:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 94,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/358067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blandade/pseuds/blandade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starts off F/M,  M/M from around the 23rd chapter (and I blame it all on Gaycraft)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Summer

**Author's Note:**

> The starting chapters are a bit hesitant cause they're the first I've ever written, but it gets better (or so have the horny fangirls in the place-that-shall-not-be-named said)  
> POV alternates between the characters  
> Some angst and hurt/comfort in the later chapters  
> Lots of sex (wouldn't be a fanfiction without it now, would it?)

I felt warm, the sun was shining on my face. This summer was starting up perfect. It was the first day of the festival and I was spending time on the beach, sunbathing, waiting for the time Hurts were supposed to come on. They were the only reason I was there. I didn’t even know the other bands that were performing. Didn’t need to know. I would have travelled to the end of the world to see my boys once again.

Suddenly, something blocked my sun and I felt shivers running down my back. I opened my eyes and a complaint almost escaped my lips before I realised who was standing right next to me. Theo, on a sandy beach, wearing a white tank-top, sunglasses and some long and hot looking pants. He looked so out of place among all the people wearing shorts and bikinis. Still, he seemed to be enjoying himself, letting the sun caress his tanned face that was pointing towards the sea. I found myself hoping he would give in to the temptation, rip off his clothes and go swimming. I would have died on the spot from lack of oxygen. I was breathing shallow as it was, not believing the man I had dreamed about was actually here, almost in my reach, and I was wearing a bikini. Suddenly I felt too naked and I sat up to retrieve my clothes from my bag. The sudden movement caught Theo’s eye and he turned his head towards me, smirking his signature smile. I froze on the spot, not knowing what to do. Should I say something? Should I gather my clothes and run away? Thankfully he turned his head back to the sea and I could breathe again. My heart was still thumping like it wanted to escape from my chest. Theo turned and walked back towards the stages, leaving me looking back at him, hoping I didn’t make a fool out of myself.

It was time for Hurts to come on stage. I had managed to get a spot in the first row, right in front of His microphone. Everywhere around me were screaming fangirls, jumping up and down, acting like they were crazy, one younger than the other. I liked to think I looked pretty normal amongst them. I was 19 and I could contain myself a little better. Theo and Adam walked on stage and the screaming rose to another level. They smiled at the girls and took their positions. Everything was as perfect as it had been the first time I saw them live. Even better. Theo’s voice was as perfect as ever, Adam played his piano like a pro. They had perfected their Bromance and it left me with goosebumps running down my spine. Then came Affair. It wasn’t my absolute favourite but it was near the top. Theo sang it with such emotion that I almost started to cry. I must have looked stupid, standing perfectly still in the center of the first row, taking in the music, staring intensely at Theo, eating him with my eyes. Suddenly he looked up, right at me, singing to me, like he had known I was watching him. There was such passion burning through his eyes that it took my breath away once again. It felt like eternity, maybe it was. I lost myself in his deep brown eyes, staring back at him shamelessly. The need must have read on my face because he finally broke our eye contact, smiling a little. I couldn’t believe it. Twice now had he looked at me and smiled. It made me feel beautiful. The rest of the concert went by in a blur. I couldn’t focus. When it was all over, I felt sad again. I was sure that it had been it, the highpoint of my summer. Nothing could top it.

It felt like the Post-Gig-Depression had settled in immediately. No rest for the Wicked, I guess. I felt like having a drink and because it was a festival, it seemed natural. There were many places to choose from but I chose a small place, it seemed more relaxed. There were still many people here, but they were calm, doing their own thing, not bothering each other. I went to the bar and bought myself gin and tonic to celebrate Hurts. I didn’t like its taste at first but I got used to it. It made my head tingle and I was disappointed when I realized my glass was already empty.

„One more gin and tonic, please,“ I said to the bartender.

„Make it two,“ came a familiar voice from behind me.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Three times in one night. It was unbelievable, near impossible. I turned around and there he was. Theo, in all his glory, smiling his innocent smile, looking like a puppy. I felt my face twist into a smile as well, without me controlling it.

„You have great taste. You don’t see a girl drinking gin and tonic every day.“

„I’m celebrating my favourite band with their favourite drink,“ I said, and a knowing smile spread across Theo’s face.

„I remember you. You were at the beach, and then in the first row.“

I felt myself blush. He remembered me. What if my face really gave away too much information? I didn’t say anything and he understood that he had made me uncomfortable, so he stepped closer, leaning against the bar, taking the drinks from the bartender and sliding one towards me. I took it with a relief. It gave my hands and mouth something to do.

„So, is it your first time at our gig? I don’t remember seeing you before. I usually remember the fans I take pictures with,“ asked Theo casually.

„No, actually. I have seen you once before. But I was too stupid then to get to the back stage. I didn’t want to bother you guys.“

„It wouldn’t have been any trouble. Hey, what if I give you a private tour right now? That would be fun, wouldn’t it?“ asked Theo, smiling at me, already knowing what my answer would be.

I stared at him, not believing what I just heard.

„Seriously? You are willing to drag one fan around with you? That’s really cool,“ I tried to sound casual, not showing how excited I was about the idea of going somewhere with him, just the two of us.

He chuckled and propped up his eyebrow, making my heart beat faster. Then, out of the blue, he took my hand and pulled me with him. His hands were big and soft. I found myself thinking what they would feel like on my body. We were still holding our drinks while walking through the crowd, hand in hand. We were moving in the direction of the band’s quarters where their tour bus was parked. I had always wondered what it looked like inside. And now I was getting a private tour, with HIM. It felt like a dream.

The bus came into view. We hadn’t said a word to each other since leaving the tent.

„Welcome to our humble home,“ Theo broke the silence.

„It seems so…small. Do you guys really live there, all together?“

„Yeah, it’s a pain in the ass. We sometimes get grumpy with each other. And it’s hard to have quests over.“

That last part made something in my mind click, but I pushed it aside as we had just reached the door. Theo opened it and let me climb in in front of him. I waited for him to close the door while looking around curiously. It seemed even smaller from the inside. There were four bunks lining the walls and they were very narrow. Still, there wasn’t much space left for walking in the centre. I noticed a pair of legs tangling over the side of one of the bunks.

„Oh, hey Adam,“ Theo greeted his bandmate and best friend.

„Hey, did something go wrong? You are back so quickly….“

Adam’s head came out from behind the bunk and he noticed me standing there awkwardly.

„This is ….Actually, I don’t know. You never told me your name,“ said Theo, smiling sweetly.

„Annabel. I’m Annabel.“ I said eventually, offering my hand to Adam. He took it but shot a questioning look towards Theo at the same time.

„I’m giving her a private tour. She didn’t get to meet us the last time she saw us play. So I wanted to make it up to her,“ Theo explained.

„Oh, okay. I was just about to go find myself a drink anyway. Have fun, kids!“ said Adam and walked out. Maybe it was just my imagination but it seemed to me that something was bothering him. Theo didn’t seem to notice.

„Well, that’s where we live most of the time. It’s not perfect but it keeps a roof over our heads,“

I had already forgotten Adam and focused on Theo instead. He was roaming through the little kitchen they had in the bus. Finally he found what he was looking for: Gin. I looked at my glass, it was empty again. I hadn’t even noticed I had drank it all. He reached his hand out and I gave my glass to him. He expertly made two cocktails and gestured me to help myself to mine. I walked to the kitchen counter, took my glass and turned around.

He was standing very close to me, his eyelids half shut, breathing heavily, his eyes even darker than usual. I stared back at him, not knowing what to do. He leaned closer and brushed his lips gently over mine, checking my reaction. When I didn’t pull away, he seemed to be encouraged and deepened the kiss, taking my glass and putting it down next to his. My hands found my way to his neck, caressing the shaved hair there. His hands wrapped around me in response, bringing me closer. He was a great kisser. My mind stopped working and I gave myself over to instinct. Next thing I knew, my clothes were on the floor, next to Theo’s suite. He laid me down between the bunks, gently caressing my breasts. I had never been so turned on my entire life. The most beautiful man on Earth was kissing me, wanting me like no one had wanted me before. His hand found it’s way down, brushing his fingers against my core. A moan escaped my lips. It encouraged him and he pushed his fingers inside, kissing me at the same time. I pressed myself closer to him, wanting to touch him. I felt his hardening length against my thigh and I wrapped my hand around it, squeezing. It made Theo’s breath hitch and he moaned out loudly. We came to a silent understanding. I let go and he replaced his fingers with his length. He pushed in slowly, looking me in he eye, his pupils fully dilated. His mouth slipped slightly open and he wrinkled his nose. He was a god: tall, dark and handsome. I wrapped my hands around him, pulling him even closer. I put my head on his shoulder, holding on tight, trying not to scream. He felt so good. I dragged long scratches down his back. It must have hurt, but he didn’t seem to care. It only fuelled his passion. His thrusts became harder, more erratic. I could feel he was close, so was I. I bit his neck, receiving a low grunt in return. I wrapped my legs around him, holding on tightly. I could feel the end close, wishing it would come but wanting it to last. Finally, I couldn’t hold it back any longer. My mind exploded with a scream, my walls contracting around him. That sent Theo over the edge as well. He thrusted down hard and I could feel him pulsate inside me. We were wrapped in each other, panting, trying to get ourselves under control. Theo’s head was resting on mine.

Finally, I opened my eyes, finding Theo watching me. I smiled and gave him a lingering kiss. He chuckled.

„Wow..“

„Yeah..“ I replied.

And we kissed again.

„This was unexpected,“ I said eventually, smiling like an idiot, „Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really care, but how many girls have you taken to „private tours“?“. I remembered Adam’s face when he left.

„Not that many, really,“ he smirked, „just the ones I really like.“


	2. Water

I woke up to a faint humming sound. I felt hot, It was hard to breathe. There was something soft and vibrating under me. I opened my eyes. And then it hit me: where I was, what had happened and who was with me. It seemed so surreal. Like some weird fangirl dream come true. My head was resting on his chest, his hands around me. We were still on the floor in the tourbus, naked and uncovered. I glanced up. Theo was already awake, staring at the ceiling, humming a tune I had never heard before.

“What is that? Something new you’re working on?”

He looked down at me, smiling.

“It might be. It just keeps playing in my head, I haven’t had the time to think about it yet. I should show it to Adam first, anyway.”

“Oh, God! Adam! We stayed here all night. What if he came back while we were sleeping.”

“Don’t worry. I locked the door, no one busted in on us. He probably found himself a warm place to sleep in anyway.” He smiled a knowing smile. It seemed to me they knew each other very well, like they were brothers.

“So you are both Ladies-men, huh. Shouldn’t be a surprise. Musicians are always way sexier than normal people,” My voice trailed off, thinking I made a total fool of myself.

Theo’s chest bounced up and down while he laughed, my head with it. I felt the drinks I had had the night before swimming around in my head.

“You think I’m sexy? That’s flattering…”

I sat up, covering myself, feeling very naked all of a sudden. He sat up behind me, wrapping his hands around my body again, pressing a kiss to my neck. My heart leaped and I leaned my head towards his, trying to get him closer. My head turned at it’s own will, searching for his lips. His nose trailed up my face until they met. The kiss was gentle, lingering. Our foreheads stayed together after it ended, our eyes closed.

“So what will happen today?” I asked. It was the second and the last day of the festival. There were still many bands that hadn’t performed. I guessed that Theo as a music enthusiast will definitely want to see them. Maybe I could tag along? Stay with him and enjoy the last moments. It was bound to end tomorrow anyway, why not take what I could get?

“I don’t know. What would you like to do?” Theo asked.

This was great. He had been the one who asked, not me. This way I didn’t have to feel like a crazy in love fan clinging to him.

“Well, it’s a beautiful summer day. I definitely want to go swimming,” I grinned. I knew he wasn’t a Speedos kind of guy.

Theo opened his eyes, a knowing smile spreading on his face.

“You think I will say no, don’t you.”

“Well, yes, you can’t exactly go swimming in a suit now, can you?”

“There are many things you don’t know about me.” With that, he removed his hands and stood up. There were red lines running down his back. I blushed and turned my eyes away. Theo was totally naked, striding casually through the tourbus, not caring. He went to one of the bags and pulled out shorts and showed them to me, victory shining on his face. They looked weird, beige and old fashioned, but they were shorts.

“Wow, so you do own shorts. Do you have a pair of flip flops hidden away in that bag of yours as well?”

I took my clothes off the floor and put them on, feeling Theo’s eyes on me.

“Fortunately, no,” he said after a while, “but I think we can work something out.

10 minutes later we were walking towards the beach, Theo wearing his shorts and nothing else. He had decided to abandon shoes all together. I kept glancing sideways at him, not used to seeing him that way. He looked normal, next to me in a bikini. He was holding his hand on my back, trailing little circles with his thumb, driving me crazy. My skin tingled everywhere he touched. Like there was electricity in the air. It made me smile and I saw from the corner of my eye that Theo was smiling as well, a naughty look in his eyes.

The beach was crowded so we walked along the line of the trees, trying to find a quieter place. I felt eyes on us the entire time. Not everyone recognised Theo in his unusual outfit, but there were still plenty of those who did. I felt awkward, wanting to get away from the prying eyes. We found a place about 500 meters away. There were still people here but they also seemed to be needing the peace and quiet. We sat down on a blanket we had brought with us. The sun was amazing, I closed my eyes enjoying the feeling. Theo gently caressed my leg with his long fingers, leaving goosebumps behind. I put my hand on his and entwined our fingers, opening my eyes and looking at him. He was very tanned for a person always covered up to his neck by suits and shirts. I neiled against him, resting my head on his shoulder.

“So do you accept the challenge?”

Theo laughed again. I could listen to that sound forever.

“Sure, why not. It’s been a long time since I’ve been swimming, you’re going to have to save me when I start sinking.”

I stood, pulling him up with me. He did look a little conflicted, obviously not too happy about the arrangement. We walked to the edge of the water, tipping our toes in the waves.

“Bloody hell, it’s cold!” he sounded horrified, taking a step back. My hand in his restrained him from going any further.

“It’s not that bad when you get used to it, really.”

“If you say so,” said Theo, coming to stand next to me again.

We stepped forward, me in front, Theo tagging along behind me. He relaxed after a while, my words finding conformation. The sea got gradually deeper. We walked on, leaving the shore behind. Soon it was deep enough to swim. I loved water so I dived in, splashing it everywhere. Theo winced back, folding his hands around himself. His nose wrinkled up and it reminded me of last night. Suddenly the water seemed very warm. I went back to him, taking his hand, a wicked smile on my face. Before he could do anything to prevent it, I pulled him under the water, submerging fully. He pushed himself to the surface, spitting out seawater and grunting from the cold. His hair was all messed up and sexy.

“You little…” he rushed towards me, a glint in his eyes that I recognised. He took me into a crushing hug and pulled me up to my neck into the water. I laughed out loud, not even trying to free myself. Our bodies were warming each other up. I felt his heart slamming against my chest. He felt so real. I was beginning to realise It wasn’t a dream.

His lips found mine, colliding with a force. It wasn’t gentle anymore but I didn’t mind. I gave myself over to his mercy. Somehow I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. His hands trailed down my back, inside my bikini-bottoms, lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around him, the water helping him support my weight. I rubbed myself against him, feeling him respond. Reaching one of my hands down, I unbuttoned his shorts and tugged them down. It was hard with me in his lap so I let go. I pulled down his shorts, feeling him untie my bikini. I removed the bottoms myself and returned to him, picking up where we left off. I didn’t feel the cold anymore. I didn’t care that there were people on the beach and they could see us if they looked hard enough. I saw only Him, his dark passionate eyes. We were breathing heavily, trying to catch as much oxygen between the kisses as possible. I felt him hard against my stomach and I lifted myself up, guiding him in. The water served us well, everything felt more fluid, like we fitted each other perfectly. I sat down on him completely, feeling him fill me. Theo grunted, this time not from the cold. My mouth fell open, my eyes closed. I lifted myself up and sat down again. This time he thrusted up to meet me, breathing through gritted teeth. We built up a steady pace, the thrusts becoming more and more erratic. His forehead wrinkled. I kissed him again, biting his lower lip. Suddenly he found a spot that drove me to the brink of insanity. I whimpered and clung to him with all my strength. He repeated the movement, obviously enjoying my reaction. I was close, my walls beginning to contract, closing in on him. That made him thrust up even harder, moaning my name in a low raspy voice. That sent me over the edge. I squeezed my eyes shut and brought him closer with my legs. My reaction was enough for him as well. He himself go, thrusting up hard. Finally we were still, the only movement coming from our chests rising rapidly. My legs were cramped around him. I didn’t understand how he manged to still stand.

“I can’t believe this will be over tomorrow,” I sighed when I could finally speak.

“We still have today. It’s only morning,” Theo mumbled, his face against my neck, “A lot can happen in one day. Now, where are my shorts?”


	3. Goodbyes

I went up the steps leading to our Tourbus, lost in my own screaming mind.

“Theo! Can you hear me?” came Adam’s voice from somewhere.

Turns out he had called my mane several times, not getting an answer. I blinked, a little confused, and came back to reality.

“What? Why are you shouting at me?” I asked, wrinkling my forehead.

“You were on another planet, that’s why. What were you thinking about? It’s unusual for you to be so quiet, you know. It makes me anxious.”

“Nothing special. Just my mind playing tricks on me. Nothing to worry about. Everything will be back to normal soon enough,” I answered, staring at my hands, not wanting to meet his eyes.

“It’s that girl, isn’t it? She has gotten under your skin. That’s not good, Theo. We’ll be gone tomorrow and you will never see her again. Maybe you should keep your distance, it will be easier on her if you do. I’ve seen this before. These poor girls will swoon over you after we leave but you move on.”

Everything he said made perfect sense. I knew he was right but I had already promised to meet her tonight and I didn’t want to cancel. I wanted to go. I knew I was selfish and I would hurt her in the end, but I didn’t care about that right now.

“I know, I know,” I said to Adam, “but I can’t, there is something different about her. I don’t know what. I really like her.”

“Whatever, mate. Suit yourself. But don’t say I didn’t warn you after it all goes to shit,” said Adam grumpily and walked out.

I buried my head in my hands. This was wrong. I had hooked up with girls on tour before, it was no secret, but I had never felt bad for leaving them the next day. She was different somehow. Annabel…

I took a shower and went out. It was a beautiful sunny day. The festival had attracted massive amounts of people so there was always someone that recognized me and came to talk. I usually didn’t mind at all but right now I wasn’t in the best mood. I tried to avoid crowded places and entered the same tent I had met Annabel last night. It was still early but I needed a drink, good old Gin and tonic. We had made plans with Annabel to go see the other bands in the evening. There wasn’t anyone particularly interesting playing but I could appreciate a good band even if I didn’t know who they were.

I met up with her near the Tourbus. She looked so beautiful in the evening light, her blond hair waving in the wind, her lean legs wrapped in tight jeans. I could see the reason why I was attracted to her the moment I saw her at the beach. She was just my type, if I had one to begin with. Then at the gig, she had looked at me with such emotion in her eyes and I had lost myself in them, almost forgetting where I was. There had been something there, a glint that left me wondering. A worried crease settled on my forehead.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” asked Annabel the moment I got to the hearing distance.

“Nothing, everything’s great,” I told her and planted a kiss on her soft lips. She leaned in when I pulled away, clearly not happy about the shortness of it, “we need to go. The gig is starting any minute.

I could see her puzzled look when I took her hand and guided her towards the stage. I wasn’t good at hiding my emotions and she clearly understood that something was bothering me. Fortunately, the band saved me from answering her questions. They were pretty good. I enjoyed the little details in their songs that you usually don’t hear when listening to a song on a CD. Live performances are great that way.

The gig ended too soon. I felt uncomfortable, not used to not knowing what to say. I looked at her and found her looking back at me. My head was calculating the proper way to begin the conversation but she did that for me.

“You’re so quiet. There’s something wrong isn’t there?”

Her eyes were sad. I felt the sudden urge to comfort her.

“No, nothing is wrong. Why would you think that?” I said with a sad smile. She didn’t seem to believe me.

“We don’t have to do this, you know. I can go, and you can go back to the bus. It’s not like you  _have_  to drag me around. I can deal, I’m a big girl,” she turned and started to walk away.

A jolt went through my stomach. I realized I didn’t want her to go. I wasn’t ready to set her free yet. So I grabbed her hand and pulled her back to me, crushing her in an embrace. She hugged me back and it felt good.

“I don’t want you to go. Not yet.”

“Let’s go then,” she said, gave me a lingering kiss and pulled me with her.

I had no idea where we were heading and I didn’t care. We walked across the field and towards the trees. I realised it was the camping area. That must be where she was supposed to spend the night before I came along.

“I love camping,” I said, a little happier.

She just smiled and guided me towards a small dark blue tent settled under a big tree. It looked  _really_  small. I wasn’t sure I would fit in it, to be honest.

“You came here alone then? Cause there is NO way you would fit another person in there…” I chuckled while she opened the zipped up door.

“Yeah, none of my friends are really that interested in music. I’m more of a single wolf,” she said, finally with a smile on her face. She had a beautiful smile, I found myself thinking.

Annabel climbed into the tent, leaving me standing outside, wondering whether I should follow or not.

“Come on, are you gonna just stand there until the morning or what?” came from the open door.

I took off my shoes and crawled in awkwardly. The tent was a little bigger than it seemed from the outside but it was still tiny as fuck. It was impossible for me to sit up so I just laid down and stayed that way, watching her close the door.

“Well, that’s nice. Small, and cosy…and small,” I laughed. Suddenly I wasn’t worried about tomorrow anymore. All that mattered was tonight.

“Don’t you laugh at my tent! You don’t even have a flat, maybe you should borrow it.”

“You know quite a lot about me, girl. One might find it a little creepy even.”

I grinned and pulled her down on top of me. I heard her giggle and it made my smile even wider. I pulled her face to me, kissing her gently. I ran my hands over her back and under her shirt. She sighed against my lips and it turned me on. Suddenly the kiss wasn’t gentle anymore and our lips crushed against each other. I ran my tongue over her lower lip and she got the message, parting her moth, giving me better access. I felt her hands under my shirt, rubbing my chest and leaving goosebumps on their trail. I pulled her tighter against me, putting my hands on her waist. She could clearly feel my excitement judging by the way she rubbed herself against me.

“You have too much clothes on,” I breathed against her lips and started pulling up her blouse. She helped me with her pants and then aided me in removing my own clothes. It was hard in the tiny space inside the tent but we managed. I wrapped my arms around her again and turned us around, laying her down on her back, hiking up her legs. She wrapped them around me, pulling me closer. She looked amazing, naked and savage, lust in her eyes. I suddenly realized it was the same look she had given me during the concert. So it wasn’t just me who wanted her from the beginning. It was the other way around. A little of the weight in my heart lifted.

I ran my hands over her body, lowering myself and stealing another kiss from her. She shivered under me in anticipation. As I had pretty much lost any control over myself already, I gave in, burying myself deep into her. She arched up from the ground, her mouth parting, looking sexy as hell, making it even harder for me to control myself. I put my head on her shoulder, kissing her neck, pulling out slowly and pushing back in. I grunted, muffled by her neck. There was little space inside the tent but it kept us that much closer. We were all tangled up in each other, me rolling my hips slowly but deliberately. A little whimper escaped her lips and it sent a jolt through my spine, making me speed up. She was incredibly tight and warm around me. I wouldn’t last long like this.

My breathing became more erratic, sweat glistening on my forehead. I squeezed my eyes shut and lost myself within her, bumping in and out on a fast pace now. She made incredible sounds and I found myself hoping no one would walk past the tent. Her hands found their way on my ass, pulling me even closer. I lifted my head, looking at her. She had her eyes shut, mouth slightly parted, hair running wild around her head. She looked totally lost in herself and I was the one making her that way.

“Oh, god…” I huffed at that thought, trying to hold myself back. Luckily, I felt her getting close as well. I buried my face in her breasts, sucking gently. That drove her over the edge, collapsing all around me, squeezing me tight, taking me with her. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I came with a relieved grunt, still trying not to make too much noise. Annabel was making it for me, clearly not worried about someone hearing us. I collapsed on top of her. I was afraid I’d crush her but I had no strength to hold myself up anymore. I was all spent and my legs were trembling. She didn’t seem to mind, though.

After catching my breath I rolled off her, pulling her with me so her head was resting on my chest.

“I like your tent…” I said, still dazed.

“The interior has gone up since you stepped in, I should say,” Annabel answered and I chuckled, my chest bouncing up and down. But then I stopped. I remembered that it was our last night together.

“You know I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning, right?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I’m trying not to think about it. It’s been like a dream,” she answered sadly.

“This is weird, I don’t want to leave. There’s something about you, Anna..I don’t know what it is.”

“Anna…I like it,” she said, trailing off.

“I will keep in touch, I promise. And this time I really mean it,” I said, tilting her chin up with my finger, and kissing her, never taking my eyes off of hers.

“Wow, now I feel all special,” she tried, all jokingly, like she didn’t really believe me.

“You are. I don’t know why, but you are,” I answered and saw a wide smile spread across her beautiful face.  


	4. Rain

I was nackered. Touring non-stop had sucked up my energy. There was only  _that_ much that human body can take until it falls apart, and I felt I was scaringly close to it. I didn’t even feel like partying every night anymore so I just stayed in, thinking of Her.

It had been two weeks since I last saw her, saying goodbye in the morning sun, her eyes damp with emotion. I had been close to a breakdown myself, but luckily I am very good at hiding my emotions. Sometimes it’s great, being a mystery, leaving others analysing my every move just to understand a fraction of my mind. The funny thing is, there was no way any of them would ever really understand. My mind just works differently from everyone else’s. Even Adam, who I’ve spent most of my time during the years, still seems to be surprised every now and again.

“What are you doing  _now_?” he asked, annoyed out of his mind. He had been talking _at_  me for several minutes, not getting an answer.

“Nothing. I’m bored. I just want to go home and finally get some sleep.”

“Patience, we’ll be there in 2 hours. Then you’ll have the chance to jack off on the thoughts of your lovely girlfriend,” Adam teased with a smirk on his face.

“She’s not my girlfriend, mate! I was with her for like two days. That almost counts as a one night stand.”

“But you got her number, right? Don’t tell me you’re not gonna call her. You seem really taken with that girl, it would be a shame for it to go to waste.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just …I don’t even know where she lives! I mean she didn’t have an accent so I guess she has to be somewhere in England but there is a  _lot_ of ground to cover..”

“Don’t tell me Theo Hutchcraft is giving up so easily. I always thought you liked a good challenge, specially when the prize was a woman.”

Adam knew me too well. I was going to call her as soon as I got home, hoping she wouldn’t live in another timezone.

 

We finally arrived, my back and bum hurting from uncomfortable seats. This was a nightmare. I was sure I looked like a living dead, my usually strict appearance fading into memory. I stepped into Adam’s apartment, throwing my bags on the floor and dropping onto the couch like a sack of potatoes. As I had no flat of my own, I usually crashed at Adam’s. He didn’t seem to mind though, we were best friends after all.

“Don’t just lay there, call her. It won’t give you peace before you do and you know it,” Adam insisted, tugging his bags neatly into a corner.

I lay there for a moment, gathering my thoughts, and the sat up. I took my phone out of my pocket, headed to the bathroom and locked myself in. There was  _no way_ I would let Adam overhear my conversation. We knew too much intimate details of each other’s lives as it was. Her number was near the top of my phonebook. “Annabel.” The name still stirred something inside me although it had been a while since I last heard it. I hesitated for a moment before pressing the calling button. I felt like a teenager again, what the hell was happening to me?

It took her a while to pick up, maybe she was as scared to talk to me as I was with her. It all seemed so awkward. We were in a haze of lust during the festival. It all seemed so surreal now that I was back in the real world. And I was scared I would lose myself again.

“Hello,” came her voice through the speaker. I closed my eyes. It sounded exactly the same, like no time had passed at all.

“Hi…do you know who this is?” I asked hesitantly.

I heard the sweet sound of her laugh, memories resurfacing.

“Of course I do. It’s been a while but not  _that_  long.”

“Yeah, sorry, our schedule is pretty hectic. I feel lucky to find the time to eat, let alone make some calls,” I said, sighing, feeling the pressure leaving my shouldersfor the first time in weeks.

“Oh, poor baby. I wish was there but you are probably still touring and I have to sit at home watching the never-ending rain fall.” There was disappointment in her voice.

“Speaking of which, where exactly do you live if it’s not a secret? I mean, I could come visit some day if it’s not too far,” I said, deliberately leaving out the part where I was already back in England and having 5 whole days to myself.

“Mmm…Manchester. Sorry I didn’t tell you before. I know you live here too so I didn’t want to sound like a lunatic fan,” she answered, blurting out words quickly, not letting me answer.

“Seriously? That’s fucking perfect! Where exactly?” I asked her enthusiastically.

She told me her address and I made quick calculations in my head. She was so close. I could almost feel her.

“I’m coming right now,” I told her in a low voice, all the amusement gone from my voice.

“Right now? You mean you’re home? Why didn’t you tell me!” she asked accusingly.

“Sorry. I ‘ll be there in 20 minutes.”

“O-okay. I’ll be waiting.”

I hung up, hearing my heart beating in my ears. I was going to see her again, soon. This seemed surreal. I tumbled out of the toilet and found Adam staring at me. I must have looked like a crazy person, rushing through the room, gathering up a few things I would probably need. My face was flushed as well, I could feel it.

“So she lives near, doesn’t she?” Adam asked. He had a little half-smile on his face.

“Don’t laugh at me! I…nevermind…”

“I’m not laughing at you. It’s actually great to see you care so much. Keep it up.”

I stared at him for a long moment. Then I remembered why I was in a hurry in the first place.

“I need a car,” I simply stated.

“Take my dad’s. It’s parked up front.”

“Thanks, I owe you.”

“Don’t you always,” Adam laughed and sent me on my way.

 

I drove through the rain. I didn’t even have the time to think about what I was doing although I hadn’t driven in a while. All my thoughts were on Her again. It wasn’t like I was just incredibly horny. I needed to see her even just to hug her. I reached her house quicker than I should have if I had driven according to the speed limit. The house was small but cozy. I wouldn’t mind living in it, I found myself thinking. I walked down the driveway after parking the car, taking in the scenery. She answered the door rather quickly and saved me from standing awkwardly in the rain. Seeing her again brought back vivid memories and I had to restrain myself not to shag her right then and there.

“Hi, come in,” she said, breaking my trail of thought.

I stepped in, looking around curiously. I could see her personality radiating from the interior of her house.

“This is nice,” I simply said, looking back at her, smiling.

“You decided to come so suddenly so I didn’t have time to clean or….”

Her rambling was muffled out by my mouth crashing on hers. It had been  _two weeks_  but it felt like forever. Our kisses were hungry, leaving our lips flustered. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and lifted her up from the floor. She wrapped her legs around me and hooked them behind my back, holding herself up. Shegrinded herself against me, making me even more excited than I already was.

“Bedroom,” I simply breathed against her mouth between kisses.

She unhooked her legs and I let her drop to the floor. She took my hand and lead me up the stairs, looking back and smiling every once in a while. Her hair was already messy and sexy. Her ass was swaying in front of me seductively. The bedroom was at the end of the hall, the bed was huge and with white covers that looked soft and fluffy.

I pulled her back against me, back to front, and smoothed my hand across her belly, reaching under her shirt. She sighed a soft sigh and leaned her head back, kissing me, gripping the back of my head. I spun her around and she almost losther balance, but I caught her. That made us both laugh and we slowly made our way towards the bed, exchanging kisses on the way.

The bed was as soft as it had looked. I pushed her down on it and crawled on top of her. Her hair was fanned around her head like a blond cloud and I could read lust in her eyes. She wanted me. That made me want her even more.

I started pulling off her clothes but it wasn’t moving fast enough so she came to my rescue. Eventually, both of our clothes were discarded on the floor next to the bed. I pulled the soft blanket over both of us, keeping us warm. My lower voice mixed in with her playful laughter. She reached down, feeling my excitement. Her touch took my breath away. I was so sensitive that I had no idea how long I would last. Two weeks was definitely too long. I took over, removing her hand and pushing in slowly. I was struggling to keep my control. Judging by her erratic breaths, she was as lost as I was. Our movements sped up quickly, the only goal being to reach the bliss. She hugged me closer with her legs and hands, making it possible for me to go even deeper. I hid my face to her neck, biting the soft skin there. The room was filled with sighs and whimpers. I felt the familiar burning sensation in mystomach approaching. I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer. I wanted her to reach it with me so I added my hands to the mix, teasing her. That drove her crazy, the soft sighs transforming into cries. Her walls contracted around me and I felt the last of my control slip away. I banged into her hard and came, slowly riding out the sensation.

Our bodies were sticky with sweat and we were breathing heavily. My face was still hidden in her neck. After catching my breath I resurfaced and lifted my head. She was smiling, pleased beyond description.

“Anna..”

“Yeah?”

“I really like your bed,” I retorted with a goofy smile on my face.

She laughed, looking at me with amusement.

“You can stay here if you want. I live alone.”

“Oh, thank god! I wouldn’t be able to move Right now even if my life depended on it,” I said and slumped my head back onto her shoulder, feeling the much needed sleep take over.


	5. Happiness

I woke up, feeling warm all over. As I opened my eyes, the sun coming from the window blinded me, making my eyes watery. I sighed, trying to gather my thoughts. Then it hit me. I turned my head slowly and looked over my shoulder. There he was, sleeping like a baby, lips slightly parted, hair all messy. It made me smile and I realized how much I actually adored him. I turned to face him, trying not to shake the bed and wake him. He looked so calm. I reached out and ran my finger lightly over his cheek, getting a soft sigh in return. I could have stayed and watched him like this forever but I really needed a shower. I got up and tugged the blanket around him, making sure he was warm, and headed to the bathroom.

The shower was relaxing and gave me time to think. He was still with me. I had accepted that it was a one moment thing when I watched him leave the festival. I had thought about him all the time during the passing weeks. I would have given everything to see him again but I knew it was impossible. And then he called. At first I didn’t believe it. I was skeptical even after he promised to come to my house. But then he rang my doorbell and my heart jumped when I opened the door, finding him there, standing in the rain. It had looked like a scene from a cheesy movie but it had felt million times better. Now he was in my bed, sleeping like he was never going to leave.

I took a longer shower than I usually did, afraid of what I would find when I got out. Maybe he realized he really didn’t want to be here and left? That thought made me anxious. I got dressed and towel-dried my hair, leaving them hanging damply around my face. I was surprised to find Theo standing next to my desk, looking at the pictures on the wall above it. Relief washed over me when I remembered considering hanging up pictures of Him. That would have been awkward. He had taken care of his messy hair but his outfit concluded only his boxers. Theo turned around when he heard the door shut behind me.

“That was one _long_  shower,” he said, grinning and looking like a puppy in the process. How could a man be so adorable and so sexy at the same time?

“I needed time to think,” I said, and saw understanding slip across his face.

He turned his focus back to the photos on the wall.

“Who are they?”

I walked towards the wall, stopping next to him. There were several pictures there. Most of them of my friends and me doing weird shit.

“This is Sarah and that is Katy. They are my best friends.”

“You guys seem to have a lot in common,” Theo laughed.

“Not really,” I sighed, “at least not when it comes to music or movies or other important stuff. We just understand each other very well. I think that’s why we have stayed together for so long.”

“And who’s that? Your sister?”

“No, my mom,” I laughed, “oh she would love you for that. She lives in London because of her work and I never knew my dad so I get to have this house all to myself,” I grinned and gave him a quick kiss before turning and heading to the kitchen to make us some breakfast.

  
  


Theo joined me after getting properly dressed and sat down behind the kitchen counter, watching me work. I looked up every now and again, receiving a smile each time.

“What?” I finally asked, laughing.

“Nothing, it’s just been a long time since someone other than Adam made me breakfast.”

“You guys seem really close.”

“Yeah, he’s been my best friend for a long time. He was actually the one encouraging me to call you.”

“Really? I didn’t get the feeling he liked me too much when we met at the festival.”

“He thought you were just a quick fuck back then, pardon my language,” Theo laughed with an apologetic look on his face.

“No problem. So he is used to that, then? You bringing random girls to your Tourbus?” I asked, trying to make my voice sound light and cheerful, failing miserably. I had told him I didn’t care if he slept around but now I had to eat my own words.

He looked at me thoughtfully, a frown appearing on his forehead.

“No,” he sighed, “ Adam sees more action than I do, to be honest. I’m not saying it hasn’t happened before, but I’m not promiscuous. I know everyone thinks that, but I’m not. I’m a fool for not denying it either but hey, you gotta keep up appearances, don’t you.”

Theo had lowered his gaze to the table while speaking and was now picking on something with his fingernail.

“I’m sorry for asking, I’m just curious. So, where were you supposed to be staying while being home? You still don’t have a flat, don’t you?” I asked, leading the conversation to safer topics.

“At Adam’s place. He’s been really patient with me, letting me stay there. I’m not the easiest roommate,” Theo said, a smile returning to his face.

“Well, if you want you can stay here. This way you can give Adam his peace and privacy,” I offered, immediately feeling my ears heat up.

“Thanks, that would be lovely. I promise not to use up all your conditioner,” Theo grinned and took the plate with eggs and bacon I handed to him.

  
  


Theo decided he needed some of his things from Adam’s place. He said he needed more than just his toothbrush and a pair of socks to survive the 4 days that was left of his short vacation. Theo was a decent driver but it was obvious he hadn’t practiced in a while. Luckily 90% of the population in England drove like mad men so we didn’t stand out much. The day was sunny and warm. It felt like summer again.

Adam lived in an old apartment building in a quiet neighborhood. I had passed it several times before, never taking a second look. Theo parked and we got out. Adam’s flat was on the top floor and the building didn’t have an elevator. We were panting when we finally arrived. Theo unlocked the door with his key and went in. I followed hesitantly. It was a nice place, everything was neat and tidy, except for the puddle of bags next to the sofa. I assumed they were Theo’s.

Adam came out from the kitchen and stared, clearly surprised to see me. I stared back, then remembered to look normal and sent him a shy smile.

“Hey, Theo, I didn’t expect you back so soon,” Adam tore his eyes away from me and looked at his mate.

“Yeah, I needed some things, I’ll be out of your hair in no time. Annabel offered me a place to stay.” Theo said and disappeared through a door.

“So he’ll be staying with you. Good luck, he is not an easy person to live with,” Adam returned his gaze to me and smiled a little.

“Yeah, he told me that. I think he feels a little guilty for being such a trouble to you. So I offered him an alternative. I hope you don’t mind,” I said, relieved that he wasn’t scowling at me anymore.

“I’m happy to have him here but we need some separation time as it is. So you can have him,” he chuckled, “you’re good for him. He seems happy, happier than usual I mean.”

I was surprised at his honesty.

“Really? I mean…never mind. I promise I’m not a groupie or anything like that. I’m not gonna call the news station and tell them where you live either,” I rambled, not knowing what to say. Theo was happy? With me?

Adam smiled wider at my awkwardness, still without showing his teeth. I found myself thinking it was funny that he was ashamed of them while all his fans thought it was sexy. Theo returned with new clothes and took one of the bags from the floor, tugging the shirts and underwear in.

“I’m good to go. See you in four days, mate,” Theo said enthusiastically, patting Adam on the shoulder while passing him and walking towards me.

“Bye, it was nice to meet you…again,” I said.

Adam nodded, still smiling while looking at us. I took one of Theo’s bags and went out after him.

  
  


“What were you two talking about while I was gone?” Theo asked me on the way back.

“What makes you think we talked at all?”

“The fact that Adam was grinning like an idiot and you were blushing again.”

“Again? What do you mean again?” I asked, embarrassed.

“You tend to do that. Like right now.”

I groaned and hid my face in my hands, willing it to go away.

“Anyway, don’t distract me. What were you guys talking about? I’m curious,” Theo asked, tugging my hands away from my face while trying to keep his focus on the road.

“Adam said…he said that you seemed happy. And he thanked  _me_  for that, for some reason,” I gave in, feeling my face heat up again.

Theo was quiet for a while and I didn’t dare to look at him.

“You know what, I am happy. And you have everything to do with that. Adam knows me too well,” I heard him mutter, almost to himself.

Theo reached out and wrapped his free hand around mine, holding on tightly. I didn’t dare to say anything, afraid of ruining the moment, so we just rode in silence.

  
  


I opened my front door and carried the bag up to my bedroom, Theo following me with the other one. I put it down on my desk, still in silence.

“Did I scare you?” Theo asked, putting his bag down as well.

Instead of answering him, I turned to face him, determination in my eyes.

“What are we? I mean, what is it that we’re doing? It isn’t a one-time thing anymore. I mean, you have practically moved in, for Christ’s sake…” I trailed off, pleading with my eyes, all the determination gone already.

He raised his hand, caressing my cheek and smiling. I detected a little sadness in his eyes and it confused me even further.

“I don’t know,” he finally answered with a sigh, “I know it’s not a one-time thing anymore. I really like you, and you make me happy. But with my lifestyle…relationships are hard to keep. I’m not saying it’s impossible. It will just be really hard, on both of us.”

Now I understood the hint of sadness in his eyes. But I couldn’t be sad right now. He liked me. And he had used the word “relationship”. I ignored all the warnings he gave me and smiled widely, covering his hand on my cheek with mine, closing my eyes and leaning in to the touch.

“I don’t care if it will be hard. I’m willing to try if you are,” I said quietly.

Theo didn’t say anything. I opened my eyes to find him smiling back at me, sadness gone from his face. He leaned in and kissed me. It was a kiss full of emotion, different from all the others we had shared. His fingers laced in my hair, pulling me closer as he deepened the kiss. I wrapped my hands around his waist. It all felt so right. Theo pulled away, leaned his forehead against mine and sighed.

“I need a shower,” he said, gave me one last kiss and disappeared to the bathroom.

I stood there, staring at the closed door for a long time. We were together, I thought. Theo. Theo fucking Hutchcraft, and me. It had to be a dream. I felt really tired although it was only 5 in the evening and we had slept till noon. I took off my clothes and crawled under the sheets, dozing off fairly quickly.

  
  


I woke when I felt light kisses trail down my spine. I lifted my head and looked back, finding Theo on his knees on top of me, wearing only my towel.

“Hello, beautiful. Did you sleep well?” his hair was wet and strands of it fell on his forehead.

I yawned and stretched myself, tuning on my back and smiling up at him.

“Can’t complain. The wake-up call was better though.”

Theo lowered himself and kissed me. I reached for the blanket he had taken off me and pulled it over both of us, removing his towel in the process.

“Someone’s eager today,” Theo chuckled into the kiss. I answered by slapping his ass playfully.

That surprised him and he broke the kiss, staring down at me.

“So now the real you comes out, right. After I’m so hopelessly captured already?”

I just giggled and pulled him down into a kiss again, wrapping my hands around him. I felt his hand trail down, caressing my stomach and moving towards my center. He pressed a finger inside and my back arched off the mattress. My hips started moving involuntarily, rocking against his finger. I gasped and broke the kiss, my head leaning back, eyes closed. I felt lost already and we hadn’t even properly started yet. I opened my eyes, finding Theo looking down at me, his eyes dark and full of lust. I nodded and he understood.

He removed his finger and positioned himself, pushing in slowly. It was different this time. Before, we were totally controlled by need and it was all quick, the only aim being reaching the extacy. Now, Theo moved slowly, looking into my eyes while doing so. It could only be called making love. I met his every thrust with my own, keeping the slow pace he had set up. It was perfect, the pleasure reaching both of us in slow waves, lingering in our stomachs. The room was filled with soft gasps and sighs. Theo leaned in and kissed me again, although it was hard with the shortness of breath our movements left us with. Theo leaned his forehead against mine and I could feel the heat radiating from it. I dug my fingernails into his back, squeezing my eyes shut. It felt so good it was almost painful. It felt like torture. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him against me with a quick thrust, receiving a loud groan in return. Theo’s mouth was open, his eyes closed. I repeated the movement, feeling him meet it with the force of his own. He couldn’t keep the control any longer and our movements sped up. He thrust down hard now, burying his face in my neck, biting my shoulder. It would definitely leave a mark tomorrow. I felt myself getting close. My body was shaking with pleasure Theo’s thrusts left me with. I could feel him twitching inside me, he was losing it as well.

“Theo…” I sighed his name.

That drove him over the edge. He thrust down hard for the last time and then rolled his hips as he rode it out while I collapsed around him. It felt like a force of nature, so much better than mindless fucking.

We were sticky with sweat, clinging on to each other like we were afraid the other one would disappear as soon as we let go. Theo lifted his head from my shoulder and looked at me with a strange glint in his eyes. I looked back up at him, thinking how I could get so lucky. He leaned in and gave me a lingering kiss. After rolling off me he turned on his side, caressing my stomach with his long fingers, playing with the sweat that had appeared there.

“I’m happy,” he finally said, wrapping his arm around me and closing his eyes.

“Me too,” I answered, smiling. His face was only inches away from mine. “It was pretty pointless for you to take a shower before, wasn’t it?” I chuckled.

“It was worth it. We’ll take one together later.”


	6. Night

We dozed for a while. I was exhausted and I knew why. Theo was holding me tight against his chest. He was humming again, the same tune as our first morning together. His hands were roaming lazily through my hair sending goosebumps down my spine.

“So about that shower…” I suggested, partly hoping Theo would call the whole thing off and we could stay in bed whole day.

His hand stopped moving and he sighed.

“Yeah, we should go. You stink.”

That earned him a punch to the ribs. I laughed and ran out of bed when he tried to grab me, taking the blanket with me. Theo was left sitting naked in the middle of the bed, trying to cover himself up with his hands. The air was cold, like someone had left a window open.

I headed to the bathroom, looking back at Theo while dropping the blanket to the floor. It was an invitation he couldn’t resist. By the time I got into the shower, he was already next to me, wrapping his hands around me.

“You know I was joking, right. You smell nice. Specially after sex.”

That made me laugh out loud.

“I don’t even know how to respond to that,” I said, turning on the water.

Theo took the soap and started rubbing my back, moving in slow circles. It felt like foreplay but we were both too exhausted to go for another round that fast. I let my head fall forward, enjoying the movements of his hands. He didn’t stay confined to my back, though. Soon his hands were roaming all over my body, driving me crazy. He pressed himself tight against my back, nuzzling my neck and biting the marks he had left on my shoulder before. I turned my head blindly towards him, searching for his lips. My nose brushed his cheek and I felt the light stubble that had appeared there. Theo guided my head with one of his hands, the other still moving over my skin. Our kisses were lingering, we weren’t in a hurry.

Then I heard his stomach grumble and I remembered we hadn’t eaten anything since morning. I pulled away and smiled lazily.

“You hungry?”

“Nope, I’m all good,” Theo answered and caught my lips again.

“Theo,” I whined against his mouth, “we need to eat at some point. Food is kind of mandatory, you know.”

We finished the shower rather quickly after that. Theo didn’t seem to have any real arguments against eating. We headed downstairs after dressing. I looked through my fridge, hoping to find anything edible.

“I think it’s my turn to cook,” I heard Theo say.

“Stop it. I’m the host so it’s my job to provide food,” I answered, still thinking what to do.

“You sure? Okay then, for now. Tomorrow it’s my turn though.”

Theo stood awkwardly in the middle of the room after that, not knowing what to do with himself.

“Do you play?” I heard him ask suddenly.

I looked up and saw him holding my guitar that had been discarded in the corner before.

“No, not really. My mom bought me that for my 15 th  birthday. I only know how to play a few songs, that’s it.”

Theo took the guitar and sat down behind the kitchen counter. He adjusted the strings, listening intently, and begun to play. It was that tune again, the one he liked to hum, It was a beautiful piece, I could imagine it becoming a great song some day.

“It’s the third time I’ve heard it. Have you shown it to Adam yet?”

“No,” Theo sighed, still playing, “he is usually the one who initiates the melody. I’m afraid what he’ll think of this.”

“Are you telling me that you’re afraid that he won’t like it? That’s not gonna happen. It’s a great tune, it could turn out to be a great song, but you need to show him.”

“I can be shy too, you know!” he frowned.

“You’re not shy around me. What’s the difference?”

“Well, it’s kind of thanks to you that this even exists. You remember our first night? That’s when it came to me, out of the blue,” he smiled at me, never stopping to play.

I didn’t have the chance to answer. I wouldn’t have known what to say anyway, so the knock on the front door was a blessing. I was surprised, though. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I rarely got guests who came unannounced. Theo looked puzzled as well and the guitar fell silent. I walked to the door and opened it, finding Sarah standing there.

“Hey, babe! You weren’t answering your phone and we were thinking of going out. You know, with Katy. There’s gonna be _lots_  of hot guy in the club today…” her voice trailed off.

She had pushed past me like she always did, not needing an invitation. But this time there was a surprise waiting for her, sitting in the middle of my kitchen. She looked dumbfounded, even her mouth was slightly opened. I snapped it shut with my hand and dragged her to the next room, sending an apologetic look to Theo, who was smiling, clearly amused.

“Who  _is_  that?! He’s gorgeous! He looks kind of familiar. Have I seen him somewhere before? Are you guys, like, together? Who is he?”

Questions flooded from Sarah’s mouth, her voice going louder with each one. I had to put my hand on her mouth to shut her up. It was embarrassing already. I wasn’t interested in Theo hearing her every word.

“Will you shut up? He’s gonna hear you!” I hissed at her.

“What is  _that_! Are those…bitemarks? Oh my god, girl, what have you been up to?”

I looked at my shoulder, Theo’s teeth had left a distinctive mark on my skin and I had completely forgotten, putting on a sleeveless top. I felt my ears heat up, covering the bites with my hand.

“He’s…a friend of mine. And yes, we are  _kind of_  together. But it’s still early so don’t ask anything else, please.” I was glad Sarah wasn’t interested in my kind music. I had shown her his picture before but she had clearly forgotten.

“I’m happy for you, really,” she sounded serious all of a sudden, “it’s about time you found somebody.”

“I’m not  _that_  hopeless!” I frowned, “I’ve had boyfriends before.”

“Well, not really. You have to admit, they were flings, and assholes at that. That doesn’t count,” she laughed, patting my cheek.

I scowled at her, hands crossed on my chest.

“He plays well,” Sarah said, and I noticed Theo had begun to play again. A smile spread on my face. I must have looked like a fool in love but I didn’t care.

“Yeah,” I sighed, “you have no idea.”

I took Sarah by the arm and guided her back to the kitchen where Theo was still sitting in the same position. I only noticed now how out of place he looked with his white shirt, black trousers, shoes and a guitar on his lap, surrounded by pots and pans.

“Mmm…Sarah, this is Theo. Theo, this is my best friend, Sarah.”

“Nice to meet you, Sarah,” Theo said, his voice sounding as seductive as always.

Sarah just stared for a while but then said Hi back.

“Okay, it’s time for you to go now,” I said and steered Sarah to the door while she was still trying to look back over her shoulder.

“Bye,” was all she managed to say before I pushed her out of the door.

“So about the party,” she asked.

“I don’t know. I’m gonna have to think about it. Tonight, you mean? I’ll call you.”

“Okay. You can bring him too, you know. I’m sure Katy wants to meet him,” she smiled quirkily.

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll see. Bye.” and I closed the door.

  
  


“She’s nice,” Theo said when I got back to the kitchen.

That made me groan.

“I’m so sorry about that. How much did you hear anyway?” I asked, my eyes narrowed. I walked to him and slipped my arms around his neck. Theo put down the guitar and pulled me close by my waist. I rested my forehead against his.

“I heard enough,” he smiled and touched the red spots on my shoulder. His fingers were cold and made me shudder. “Are we going? To that party?”

“I don’t know, do you want to go?” I asked.

“I think it would be fun. How old are you?” he asked suddenly.

My eyes went wide. I hadn’t realized he didn’t know my age.

“Eee..19. Why such a sudden interest?”

“Well, you act so differently from your friend but she reminded me how young you must be. Oh god, now I feel like a grandpa next to you.” Theo said and covered his eyes with a hand.

“Oh stop it. I’ll be 20 soon. So it’s only a 4 year difference. I’ve seen worse,” I laughed, “so, we’re going to the party tonight. And we’ll let loose, drink, dance. No more age talk, deal?”

Theo smiled and cupped my face, kissing my lips.

“Deal. But I’m warning you, I can’t dance.”

  
  


We left the house after 11 and decided to walk. There was no way either of us would be fit to drive when the night ended. Theo was wearing another one of his suits that brought out his lean frame perfectly. Every strand of his hair had its own place. It amazed me how clean-cut he was, not at all the way people usually looked when going to a party.

“You look bloody hot, have I told you that?” He asked and slipped a hand around my waist, smoothing it over my back in the process.

“Yes, as a matter of fact you have. Several times,” I laughed.

I was wearing one of my party-outfits. I didn’t own many, but the ones I had were pretty outgoing. Make up did its job as well. I felt hot too, more so with every time he said it.

The club was small but cozy. There were many people dancing, more than usual. I could see what Sarah had meant about hot guys being there but I found myself not caring. I already had one standing next to me.

I felt Theo’s hand tighten around me as we made our way through the raving crowd. We stopped in front of the bar and he ordered us drinks.

“It’s actually a nice place. Do you come here often?” he asked, shouting over the loud music.

“No. Only when we are out with my friends. Speak of the devils, there they come.”

Theo turned to look towards the two girls approaching us. Katy was shamelessly staring. I was beginning to think my friends were mental. After the introductions we finally got our drinks from the barman. Gin and tonic, no surprise there. Sarah and Katy wanted to go dancing but knowing Theo wouldn’t co-operate until he was drunk enough, I said no, so we just talked for a while. Theo was quiet most of the time and just listened.

A guy walked up to our table and everything fell silent. I could tell Sarah and Katy thought he was hot. And he was. I would’ve been all over him if the situation had been different.

“Come dance with me?” he asked, looking straight at me. I was surprised and didn’t know what to say. I saw Theo cock an eyebrow. It could have meant anything: amusement, anger, challenge.

“Sorry, I can’t right now,” was all I said and hoped it would be enough.

The guy seemed to be slightly annoyed and left, leaving me staring at his back.

“You could have gone, you know,” I heard Theo’s voice and turned to face him.

“Really? You wouldn’t have minded? I’m a little hurt,” I said with a chuckle.

“Oh, I would have,” he said and took my hand, lacing our fingers together, “but it’s your choice not mine.”

I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. A polite couch reminded me we weren’t alone and I pulled away, sending my friends an apologetic look.

“Now, we are really going dancing,” Sarah said and took my hand, ripping me away from Theo who just laughed and sent me on my way, raising a glass.

I didn’t even know how many drinks we’d had but I could definitely feel them. My head was swimming and I didn’t care how I danced, letting it all go. My thoughts were always partly with Theo, though.

“He’s watching you,” Katy whispered in my ear and it made me smile.

I looked back to the bar but he wasn’t there anymore. Then someone pulled me close from behind. I felt his face in the crook of my neck, his lips caressing my skin. I was afraid for a moment, that it was someone else but the looks on my friends faces told me otherwise. I leaned into him, wrapping my hand around his neck from behind. Theo’s hands were holding my hips in line with his, moving them from side to side. I turned my head to the side, touching my forehead to his cheek.

“I thought you didn’t dance.”

“You just looked so inviting. I couldn’t resist.”

His hands were trailing up and down on my hips, getting dangerously close to the edge of my short skirt. I couldn’t see my friends anywhere but at the moment, I didn’t care. His lips found mine. We were swaying side to side, connected to the point we felt like one. The haze of the alcohol added to it. He was so close that I felt him getting excited, his hardness pressing against my back. This made me nervous. We were in the middle of a crowded club, anybody could see us. Luckily I was covering it up with my body.

“We can’t do this here,” I breathed against his lips.

Theo just took my hand and pulled me with him through the crowd. He was in a hurry. Heads turned when we stormed past them. He guided me out of the club and down the street. I had no idea where we were heading as my house was in the other direction but I didn’t care. He seemed to have a destination in mind.

  
  


We walked for a while, hand in hand, never talking and never slowing down, until we got to a park. It was quiet here, no one in sight and Theo pushed me up against a tree, his mouth crashing on mine. His hands wondered up my leg, pushing up my skirt. I had no air left in my lungs but we just kept going. Gin had heightened our need for each other and there was no end in sight. My hands were exploring his chest, ripping at the buttons that were in my way. Our tongues were caught in an extravagant dance, our bodies pressed as close as possible. I could feel him hard against my thighs. My hands trailed down, loosening his pants and letting them drop to his ankles. His boxers followed shortly after. My panties were nowhere to be found. I hadn’t even noticed when Theo got rid of them.

I could feel the tree hard against my back but I didn’t care about the pain. Theo lifted me up and hiked my legs around his waist, breathing heavily, trying to get some air into his lungs. He entered me without any fuss, the first thrust already hard and hasty. A whimper escaped his lips, followed by my cry. He established a steady pace, thrusting me hard against the three each time, face hidden in my chest. My hands were wrapped around his shoulders, trying to keep myself from falling. I hoped no one would happen to go through the park and hear us. Theo grunted with very thrust and I couldn’t keep my moans from escaping. I brought his face up to mine and we shared a sloppy kiss. Theo’s face was pearled with sweat and his nose was crunched up. It made him look wicked, evil even. Like an animal that couldn’t be contained. His eyes were dark, full of lust. He bit my lip, receiving a moan in return.

I was so close to the edge. I hugged my legs more tightly around him, loving the way he filled me. I heard him moan my name. “Anna”. He bit his lip, breathing in through his nose and squeezing his eyes shut. The sight of him so lost in himself started a chain reaction in my body. I dropped against him, clinging to his body while my entire system crashed. Theo let out a final cry and followed me down the rabbit hole, his breath caught in his chest. .

  
  


I couldn’t make myself let go of him. The ache in my back returned and I started to notice my surroundings again. I managed to unhook my legs and lower myself to the ground. They buckled as soon as I touched the grass but luckily Theo was still holding on to me. I looked over his shoulder and noticed someone standing further down the path.

“Shit, Theo, someone is here. Let’s go,” I pulled down my skirt and looked around for my panties but they were nowhere to be found. Theo pulled up his pants and and took my hand, taking me with him again. I followed, hoping that the stranger was a stranger and not someone I knew. 


	7. Surprise

I never learn. I woke up next morning feeling like I left my brains smeared across the club floor. I always promise myself to let go the Gin as it gives me the biggest hangovers mankind has ever seen. At least I didn’t have to wake up alone this time. Annabel was curled up by my side, her hair tickling my skin. One of my hands was stuck under her head and I couldn’t feel my fingers. Last night was a blur. I didn’t remember drinking  _that_  much, but still I had done things I would never do sober. I looked at Anna. Her hair was a mess bu she still looked beautiful. I found myself thinking she would always look pretty to me, no matter how big of a mess she looked. Her current state just made her more adorable.

I caressed her face, running my fingers gently over her skin. She was too fast asleep to wake up, but she smoothed her head closer to my side, like a cat. I didn’t mind my hand being numb anymore. This was worth it. A half-smile spread across my face. And then I remembered. We were at the park yesterday, in a public place, doing things we shouldn’t have. And there was someone there with us, Anna had freaked out. We came straight home after that and fell into bed, exhausted, never mentioning it again.

Anna moved, sighing in her sleep, and pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked at the clock that showed it was afternoon already. It was nice, sleeping late every day, not having to run from meeting to meeting. Having Her by my side. I felt like a human being again. I closed my eyes and dozed for a while.

I woke up to Anna running her lips over my neck. My mouth curled into a smile even before I managed to open my eyes. She had snuggled closer, one of her arms wrapped around my chest.

“Good morning, gorgeous,” she smiled against my skin.

“A good one indeed. I should just pack you in my suitcase and take you with me on the road, so every morning could be like this.”

“Don’t tempt me. You have only 3 days left, right. That’s not nearly enough time.”

I took her in a crushing hug and rolled us over. She was under me now, locked in place. I smiled wickedly down at her, leaning in to steal a kiss.

“No joke, though. I would love for you to come with me. Just this once. It’s a short one this time, only for a few days.”

“Seriously? Wouldn’t Adam mind? Or the crew? I would feel awkward,” she sounded concerned and it amused me how little she knew my friends.

“They will be fine with it. Adam already gave his approval, didn’t he? Saying you made me happy and all that? I think that’s enough.”

She sighed.

“Yeah, we’ll see. I’m not saying yes, though.”

But I could see the longing in her eyes. She wanted to come and she would, I would make sure of that.

“Now, it was my turn to cook, wasn’t it?” I said, gave her one last kiss and rolled off her, trying to find my clothes that were scattered all over the room. Drunk me was not a tidy one. Hell, even the sober me had trouble with keeping my things in order. Somehow my boxers had found their way on Anna’s desk. I looked back at her while dressing. She was spread across the bed on her belly, her bottom half covered with the blanket, leaving her bare back shining in the sun. She was smiling up at me sleepily, her messy hair leading its own life around her head.

“You’re going to make breakfast for me?”

“I promise I’ll try at least. Stay in bed, babe.”

The fact that I had called her “babe” was disturbing me. It sounded so lame coming out of my mouth. I had to push those thoughts to the side after reaching the kitchen, though, because I had no idea where she kept everything. The safest place to start seemed to be the fridge.

  
  


Eventually I managed to find everything I needed. I wasn’t used to cooking for someone else, besides Adam of course, so the concept seemed a little scary. She would probably eat anything I made but I wanted it to be perfect. Breakfast in bed. I was totally spoiling her already.

A knock on the door startled me. Anna was upstairs, probably asleep, and I couldn’t just open the door to anybody. It wouldn’t be too bad if it was one of her friends. We had met before and they knew why I was here. It couldn’t be her mom because she would just use her own key, not knock. I walked to the door, peeked out through the little window and froze. This couldn’t be happening. There was no logical explanation, not even an illogical one.

But there she was. My ex-girlfriend. My  _crazy_  ex-girlfriend. And she was standing on Anna’s doorstep like she owned the place. For a moment I thought of not opening the door and hoped she would go away. But then I remembered that she now knew where we were and knowing her, she wouldn’t give up that easily. Better get it over with now, when Anna was upstairs than risk her opening the door next time.

“What are you doing here?” was the first thing I asked.

“Oh nothing, honey, I just saw you come in here and thought I’d say hi. It’s been a long time since we saw each other,” she answered flirtatiously, edging closer to me. I stepped back.

“We both know that’s not true. We got in late last night after….it was you! In the park. You were watching us, sneaking in the dark. I knew you were crazy but that is mental, even for you.”

I was angry, my voice went louder with every word that came out of my mouth. The time I was with her had been horrible and now she came back into my life, trying to ruin it again. I still remembered her being constantly jealous, even when there was no reason for it, making scenes and having tantrums. She had made my life a living hell and now she was ruining a perfect morning.

“Well, yeah, I admit I noticed you in the club, almost making out with that slut of yours. And then when you left in a hurry, I followed you.You gave me quite a show. I don’t remember you ever being that animalistic with me,” she said, edging even closer, hooking a finger behind one of my buttons. I smacked her hand away.

“There was a reason for that. I was never happy with you, don’t you get it? Please, leave me alone and let me get on with my life. You should do the same.”

She looked like it wasn’t her hand I had smacked, but her face. I felt a little sorry for her, for a moment. All resolution left my voice and sadness took its place.

“Please don’t come here again. I have something good here, please don’t ruin it for me. Not again.”

She seemed to understand. At least she nodded once, a sharp twitch of her head, and walked away. I was a little surprised she had done what I asked but I didn’t dwell on it much longer. She was gone and that’s all that mattered.

I went back to the kitchen and finished preparing the food. I loaded it all on a pig tray I had found from one of he cupboards and went upstairs. Anna was sleeping again, just as I had hoped. It meant she hadn’t heard what took place downstairs. I needed to tell her eventually, just not now, not when it was all perfect. She was exactly in the same position I had left her in, her head almost falling over the side of the bed. I put the food down on her desk and kneeled in front of her face, sitting back on my heels. I tugged back the strands of hair on her forehead and kissed her sleeping lips, gently at first, but when she didn’t wake, I applied more pressure. Her lips started moving with mine before she even understood what was happening. When she finally did, a hand wrapped around the back of my neck, smoothing over the short hair there. She tilted her head, giving me better access, and her breath hitched. I pulled away gently, letting out a moan.

“You were right, this  _is_  a great way to wake up,” she smiled brightly.

“ _Now_  will you say yes and come with me?”

“Nicely timed, but no. I won’t say yes, but I’m not saying no either,” she smoothed her hand over my cheek.

“Fine. I’m not giving up yet, though,” I laughed and went back to the table where Anna’s breakfast was waiting.”

She sat up, her back against the wooden headboard of the bed, interested in what I had managed to find. A little chuckle escaped her lips.

“I had cereal? Even I didn’t know that.”

I had gathered up everything I could find, giving her a chance to choose. There was everything from apples to eggs and ham. I put down the tray on her lap and sat next to her, snuggling close. The crushing hangover was almost gone and I felt hungry again. We shared the food on the tray, Anna giving me bites from her cereal in return for kisses.

“I could get used to this,” I sighed, lowering my head on her shoulder.

She ran her fingers through my hair that was still a little messy from last night, and let her hand halter on the side of my face.

“So could I.”

  
  


We finished our breakfast and decided to go for a walk through the town. I had spent so long away from my home that I had no idea what it looked like now. Places like Manchester changed as quickly as the weather in England. We walked hand in hand, Anna pressing herself against me every time the wind blew a little stronger. I found myself hoping for a hurricane.

When we had walked for about an hour my phone rang. The display said it was Adam and it made me worry. We had made it clear we were taking a break from each other. He would have never called unless it was really important, or when something bad had happened.

“Hello? Adam? Are you alright?” my voice sounded worried and Anna caught that, looking questioningly up at me.

“Yeah, I’m fine. If you don’t count in the fact that your crazy ex has been harassing me for the past 20 minutes,” he sounded annoyed out of his mind. For a good reason.

“What?” I stopped on my tracks, restraining Annabel from moving too as our hands were linked, “why is she there?”

I was horrified. Seems like I hadn’t made my point after all.

“She is sitting on my couch, rambling on about you having a new girlfriend. I had to hide myself in the bathroom just to make a call. And what happened in the park? She told me things…”

“Why did you let her in?” I stopped Adam’s question on it’s track, not wanting to answer it.

“What was I supposed to do? She was banging on my door, I have neighbours, you know. So come here and do something. She is _your_  ex, not mine.”

“I can’t! I’m with Anna, you know that.” I looked at her while begging Adam to take care of it himself. She had million questions in her eyes and I knew I had some explaining to do later.

Adam was a good friend. He understood why I couldn’t come and promised to handle it himself. I had no idea how he was going to do that but I knew I had to make it up to him. I ended the call with a sigh. This was getting out of hand. I raised my eyes from the phone, finding Anna watching me in silence.

“Let’s go. We need to find a place to sit and talk,” I said and pulled her with me.

  
  


We chose a little diner, small and cosy, and went in. I had felt her eyes on my back the entire walk here and I was afraid of what would happen next. We sat down in a private corner and ordered something to drink from the waitress, mainly to get rid of her.

“So, are you gonna tell me what’s going on? Or do I have to guess?” she asked while rotating her glass between her fingers. She sounded a little annoyed.

“I have to start from the beginning. You remember yesterday, in the park? You said someone was watching us,” I saw her cheeks turn red from the memory, “well, I found out who that was.”

Her eyes went wide. That clearly wasn’t what she had expected to hear.

“It was a girl I used to date. She was all kinds of mental and not in a good way. I had to end it and I guess she hasn’t completely gotten over it yet. She saw us at the club and followed us to the park…”

“You mean she was there _the entire time_!” I didn’t think her eyes could go any wider, but they did.

“Yeah, unfortunately. and it’s not even the worst part. She turned up at your door in the morning. I guess she followed us back to your place, we weren’t hard to spot after all, with the amount of Gin in our system…” I trailed off.

“She knows where I live? What did she want?” her voice was surprisingly calm, considering I just told her that a crazy madwoman knew her address.

“Nothing relevant. I guess her goal was to get me to leave you and go with her but that is  _never_  going to happen,” I assured her. She seemed to believe me.

“And what about that phone call? What was that all about?”

“Turns out she didn’t get the hint and went to Adam’s place, the only other address she has. He told me he’d handle it.”

“Poor Adam. You should have gone and helped him.”

It was my turn to stare at her.

“You’re taking it rather well. I was afraid you’d be angry or worse.”

“Worse? Likebreak-up-with-you worse? Babe, why would I do that? It’s not your fault girls go crazy over you,” she chuckled and took my jaw in her hand, running her thumb over my lips gently.

I smiled at the fact she had called me “babe”. I guess we had found the nickname in this relationship.

“We should probably stay at a hotel, though, for the rest of the days. It would be easier than dealing with unwanted guests.”

  
  


We went back to Anna’s place first, packing up some things we would need, and loaded them in the trunk of the car. I knew I should have taken the car back to Adam but he couldn’t use it anyway as he didn’t have a driving licence.

I chose a hotel I already knew. Being homeless gave me a good perspective on that. Whenever we had decided to take some time off from each other, Adam had stayed at his place and I had found myself a nice room somewhere in the city. The experience came in handy now. The hotel itself was nothing special but it was cozy and quite expensive. We chose a suite with a king size bed and a hot tub. Why not treat yourself to something special every once in a while?

Anna was looking around, wide-eyed. I wrapped my hands around her and lifted her feet off the ground. She let out a squeal and started giggling. Her laugh was the cutest thing in the world. I made my way to the bed and threw us both on it, making sure she wouldn’t get hurt or crushed by me. I rolled on top of her, pulling her hands above her head, leaving her helpless. She lifted her head from the mattress, searching for my lips. I brushed my mouth against hers teasingly and pulled away again with a grin on my face. She decided to take things into her own hands, turning us over and sitting on top of me. She looked down, grinding her hips a little and leaving me breathless. Her hands smoothed over my chest and ripped open my shirt. I suspected some of the buttons were permanently separated from my shirt.

“I like it when you take control like that,” I said, grinning up at her.

She smiled back at me while lowering her head to my chest, kissing her way up to my neck. I took her head between my hands and pulled her up into a crushing kiss. She moaned against my mouth and moved her hips again, probably feeling how excited I had gotten already.

From that point on, I had no idea what happened. Our clothes were gone in what seemed like an instant. Anna was still on top of me, her bare skin meeting mine in all the right places. She sat up, took hold of me and guided me in, lowering herself slowly. Her back arched and she was stretched back, her hips rolling back and forth as she took me in inch by inch. The sight of it made my brain go awol. I took hold of her lean waist and smoothed my hands up and down while trying to gather the pieces of my brain. My breath came in short huffs as she rode me, her hands finding steady ground on my thighs. She was moaning louder now, her head lolled back, her eyes closed. She leaned forward suddenly, resting her hands on my chest, changing the angle. It made me groan out loud and I had to squeeze my eyes shut as the sight of her would have driven me over the edge too soon. My hips thrust up to meet her, trying to deepen our connection. My toes were already crunched up from the pleasure that was running through my veins. I pulled her head down to steal a quick but passionate kiss and her loose hair tickled my face. I felt her contract around me, I was hitting the right spot it seemed. She was close and so was I, the pleasure making my eyes water. The room was filled with moans and soft grunts. She buckled forward as her hands gave out when she came. I wrapped my arms around her and thrust up hard for the last time, burying my face in her hair, breathing in her scent.

Our bodies were wrapped around each other, panting and sticky with sweat. I pushed the hair away and admired the blissed out expression on her face. Her eyes were closed, her cheeks pink and she was breathing heavily through her nose.

“I can definitely get used to this,” I said and kissed her again.


	8. Promises

I’ve never liked hotels, not really. Unfortunately, there is no other choice while on the road. Other than the Tourbus, of course, but that is even worse than waking up in a different room every day, trying to remember which country you are in. The confusion is usually accompanied by a massive hangover that doesn’t make the situation more pleasant or bearable.

This time was different. I felt well rested and warm as I woke up. The bed was soft and comfortable, but  _that_  I could’ve found on the road anyway. What mattered was the person next to me. Anna was sleeping against my back, her hands wrapped around my chest tightly, her face pressed in the middle of my shoulderblades. Her breath tickled my skin and I didn’t want to move in fear of waking her up. I felt comfortable and there was no need to change it.

While waiting for her to wake up, my mind travelled back to last night. The image of her on top of me, her perfect body moving with such grace was making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Her soft skin under my hands, her eyes clouded with passion. That’s what I loved about her, the fact that she was natural, the way she didn’t pretend to be someone she was not. I needed that, someone real and honest with me who would keep my feet on the ground. I hadn’t admitted it to anyone but I was afraid of losing my way, of getting drawn in by the fame and attention and becoming a different person. She was my compass now.

I felt a soft kiss planted on my back that was followed by a sigh and a question.

“Are you awake?”

Her voice was sleepy and it made me smile.

“Yeah, I’ve been for a while. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Her hands wrapped tighter around me and her body pressed harder against my back. I turned my head back, trying to see her face but it was hidden from me. It was frustrating so I took matters into my own hands. I unwrapped her arms for a moment so I could turn around and face her. She clung to me again as soon as I stopped moving. Her nose was pressed against my chest.

“Are you cold?” I asked and covered us with the blanked up to our necks. Her nose felt cool against my skin. My hand smoothed down her side, feeling goosebumps appear. I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or something else.

“No, I’m fine. I’m perfect,” she muttered, tilted her head back and waited for a kiss. I went along with it happily, putting a finger under her chin and molding our lips together. It was a long kiss, soft at first but getting more heated as it progressed. Anna pulled away first, leaning her forehead against mine.

“What will we do today?”

“How about nothing,” I laughed and kissed her again, “although  _nothing_  is not the right word for it…”

“We should go see how Adam’s doing. You  _did_  make him deal with your crazy girlfriend all by himself.”

“You just had to bring that up,” I whined, “and my girlfriend is not crazy, my ex is,” I smiled at her.

She seemed pleased by the fact that I had called her my girlfriend for the first time.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. We need to go check on him. Maybe buy him some football tickets as a thank you,” I agreed eventually, making it clear I wasn’t pleased that my original plan had failed.

  
  


Adam didn’t answer his door after the first bellring. We could hear him behind the door, trying to figure out who was standing on the other side. I guess he was paranoid after the surprise visit from yesterday. I didn’t use my key to show some respect for his privacy.

“Oh, it’s you guys,” he said after finally showing his face.

He let us pass him, closing the door behind us and leading the way to the living room. I sat on the couch and pulled Anna down with me as she was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. Adam settled in an armchair opposite us, a frown set on his forehead.

“This taking a break from each other isn’t going too well, is it?” I joked, trying to get the conversation going. Adam relaxed a little.

“Mate, why did she end up on my doorstep?” he asked, sounding more sad than angry.

“’Cause I sent her away from Anna’s,” I said, sighing deeply, “I hoped she had given up, but I guess not.”

“Of course not! Even I remember how she was, you should know better.”

Anna moved uncomfortably beside me, clearly disturbed by the fact that we were talking about another woman while she was sitting right there. I took her hand, lacing my fingers through hers and sent her a reassuring look. When I moved my gaze back to Adam, I found him staring at our hands, a thoughtful look in his eyes.

“Adam?”

His eyes met mine and a halfsmile took over.

“Yeah, no problem. It’s all in the past, no need to stir up unpleasant memories. Now, what exactly happened in the park?” he asked changing the subject and smiled shamelessly.

It seemed he already knew the answer but wanted to hear me say it anyway. Anna’s face went red and she raised her free hand to her eyes. We were usually quite open about these things with Adam but to spare her from further embarrassment I tried to avoid answering.

“Mate, don’t ask me something you already know the answer to. Now, we’re going out eating and you’re coming with us. I’m paying.”

  
  


Adam could never decline a free meal so we ended up sitting in a crowded restaurant. The round tables were far enough from each other to enable private conversation. We gave our orders to the waiter and sat back, waiting for our food. Adam abused the opportunity of me paying and got himself a little of everything. Anna excused herself after a while of meaningless conversation and headed to the bathroom. As soon as we were alone, Adam attacked me with questions.

“So you guys really did it in the park? Just like that, without thinking someone could see you?”

I groaned.

“Yes, are you happy now? To be fair, no one would have seen us if a certain someone wouldn’t have followed us. And we were drunk, you know, no control over our actions and all that,” I explained.

“Wow. And she seems such a modest girl. Who would have guessed.”

I slapped his arm and he pulled away from me, laughing and holding the spot I had hit.

“She is. Just, sometimes she isn’t. That’s what makes it so interesting and unpredictable.”

“God, mate, you are totally in love with this girl, aren’t you?”

It was like a slap to my face. I realized I hadn’t thought about it at all. What if I was? What if Adam saw something I hadn’t even admitted to myself. He knew me better than I knew myself.

“I don’t know, don’t ask me that yet,” I sighed, “but I asked her to come with us for the next trip. She hasn’t agreed yet because she thinks you and the crew won’t approve. You’re alright with it, aren’t you?” I asked hopefully.

Adam looked at me for a while, thinking.

“Sure, it’s fine with me. You are so much more fun to be around with her in the picture, to be honest. But I don’t know about the others. I mean, they have never even seen Annabel before. They might think all kinds of inappropriate things.“

I smiled. Adam’s approval was all I needed.

  
  


Anna joined us just as our food arrived. Suddenly I felt the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything that day and the food looked even more delicious. Adam dived in and I followed shortly after. Then I heard a little chuckle.

“You guys eat like you haven’t had a decent meal for two weeks.”

“Well, it’s kind of true, at least for me. Specially now that Theo is gone and I have no one to cook for me,” Adam answered between mouthfuls.

“You know how to cook! You’re just too damn lazy to do it,” I laughed along.

“If I had known I would have invited you over for dinner. I make a decent cook,” Anna sighed.

I agreed with a nod as my mouth was full again.

“You can cook for us on the road! Theo told me he asked you to come along. I think it would be great, the guys would be happy to get a good meal for a change,” Adam suggested.

Anna hesitated shortly but then gave up.

“Yeah, sure, it would be cool.”

“Really? So you  _are_  coming? Wow, Adam, you just totally earned your meal,” I said and sent him a thankful look.

“It will be fun, I promise,” I told Anna and gave her a quick kiss.

“Please, not while we’re eating!” Adam growled and took another bite.

  
  


We dropped Adam off near his apartment and headed back to the hotel. It wasn’t late enough to go to bed but the weather was too bad to go anywhere else. Rain was pouring down from the sky and the wind threatened to topple us over. We were soaking wet when we reached the hotel lobby even though the car was parked just a little way off. I saw Anna shiver and I wanted to wrap my hands around her an keep her warm, but I would have just made matters worse, considering I had no dry spot on my body. Instead I took her hand in mine and guided her to the elevator. Once the doors were shut, I tilted her chin up with a finger and kissed her gently. It seemed like forever since we last had a moment to ourselves although it had only been couple of hours. We had tried keeping the touches to a minimum around Adam so he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. I pushed the wet strands of hair clinging to her face aside, smoothing my fingers over her skin.

“You are beautiful, you know that?”

She sighed and closed her eyes, leaning into my touch. A little sound announced that we had reached our floor and I moved reluctantly. Wet clothes clinging to your skin with every step is arguably the worst feeling in the world. I stripped as soon as we got into our room and told Anna to do the same.

“You’ll get sick otherwise. I’m not risking you staying behind because of a fever now that you have finally agreed to come with me.”

“How could I have said no after he told me you eat crap while on the road. I like you nice and healthy,” she grinned, watching me remove everything except my underwear.

I walked to her and gave her a hand, taking off the wet pieces of clothing and dropping them on the floor next to mine.

“The guys are going to love you. I promise. Specially if you supply them with real food. They are like pets that way,” I laughed and used the opportunity to finally hug her. Our skin was still cool from the rain and I felt goosebumps appearing on my arms.

“We need a hot shower,” I suggested.

“I have a better idea,” Anna said with a grin and escaped from my embrace, disappearing into the bathroom.

I heard her turn on the water and got curious. I found her sitting on the side of a big white hot tub, testing the heat of the water with her fingers. She smiled back at me.

“You forgot we had one of those, didn’t you.”

“Indeed I did.”

I checked through the little bottles on the shelf and found the one I was looking for. I poured a generous amount of it to the running water, seeing bubbles appear in an instant.

“Did you even read the label? I’m pretty sure you weren’t supposed to use half of it in one go,” Anna laughed up at me, “we will drown in the foam.”

“Then it’s good I know mouth-to-mouth,” I smiled and threw the bottle back on the shelf.

“You care to demonstrate?”

I more than happily took the challenge. My hands cupped her face and I bent down, bringing our faces together. The movements were effortless, our lips dancing an extravagant dance, never truly parting from each other. I felt my breath hitch but I didn’t want to let her go.

We were interrupted by something wet touching her back. I opened my eyes and saw what my eagerness had done. The bath was full of bubbles, half of them running down the sides. Anna turned off the water as quickly as possible but the damage was already done.

“Oh ,well. It’s already messy. We might as well enjoy it,” I said and gave her a little push,

She managed a little yelp before disappearing into the foam and warm wate. Her head reappeared in the middle of the white mess, all soapy. There was a wicked glint in her eyes as she reached out and pulled me in as well. My body hitting the water created a wave of bubbles and most of them ended up on the bathroom floor. It gave us a little breathing room inside the bath. Anna laughed and smoothed my hair back, removing most of the foam from my face as well. As underwear was no longer necessary, I removed mine and saw her do the same. The thought of what I would see if the foam wasn’t in the way made me excited. I took her in my arms and leaned back against the edge of the bath. She was seated between my legs, her back against my chest, her head resting on my shoulder. It felt comfortable, I could feel her breathing. I let my cheek rest against the top of her head and closed my eyes. We were submerged up to our chests in water and foam. The heat was relaxing, making me sleepy. Anna ran her fingers over my hands that were wrapped around her middle.

“This is heaven,” I heard her whisper.

Content on making her feel even better I let my hand wander down, finding her center. She went rigid against me but then relaxed again as I started to move my fingers. A soft sigh escaped her lips. Her hips started to move involuntarily, slowly but steadily. Her breathing quickened in tune with mine. The way she squirmed under my touch made me feel superior. My other hand reached up and cupped her breast, receiving another sigh, louder this time. Her whole body lost control, her back arched and her head lolled back. My hands were the only things keeping her from toppling forward. She moaned loudly as she clenched around my fingers and slumped back against my chest.

She was breathing heavily. Her head tilted back and I knew what she was looking for. Our kisses were passionate, my hands never changing their position. I licked her lips as I wrapped my hands around her waist again and lifted her up, guiding myself in. She was still turned on from the last wave and a moan echoed through the room already with the first thrust. She was clenching down on me from the start. I had no idea whether it was intentional or not but it drove me crazy. I grunted loudly and buried my face in her shoulder. She was using her legs to lift herself up and I helped deepen the connection by thrusting up to meet her. The water made our bodies slick, making it hard for me to keep her from slipping. It all reminded me of the moment we had in the sea, only now I knew all the little tricks that made her lose control. I angled myself just right and received a series of moans in return. Her hand reached back and grabbed my neck, her face turned so her lips stayed connected to my cheek. Her breath against my face together with her clenching down on me made my eyes roll back.

I toppled us over without breaking the connection so she was now kneeling and holding on to the side of the bath. My body was molded to hers, every piece of skin meeting another. I thrust up sharply, the new position giving me bigger depth. She let out a breathy moan with every thrust, her eyes squeezed shut. My lips attacked her neck, biting and sucking on the soft delicate skin. I knew I couldn’t hold on much longer so I used every trick I had learned to push her into ecstasy first. My plan worked perfectly and she came again, her hands going week, leaving me to hold her up. She shuddered and the vibrations took over my body as well, making me thrust up with a cry for the last time.

  
  


“I like bubble baths,” she announced lazily.

We had returned to our original position, her resting against my chest. I combed my fingers through her wet hair and pressed a kiss on her temple.

“We can get a room that has one while on the road.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”


	9. Insight

My dreams were weird, a jumble of the events that had taken place these past days, of his face, his smile, his dark eyes staring down at me. But there was something else, a taste of fantasy and abstract, making it all look even more surreal than it was. I had trouble believing it already without flying combs and penguins popping up everywhere. I was glad to escape to the real world, something that had never happened before. But then again, there had never been someone waiting on the other side, making the reality better than the dream.

Theo was still asleep, laying on his belly, his head turned towards me. Half of his face was buried in the fluffy white pillow. His soft sighs filled the room, reminding me I wasn’t alone anymore. The room was dimly lit. It was morning already but the curtains were dragged shut and the light that escaped didn’t get very far. I could just make out his face in the darkness although I was very close, my nose almost touching his, hot breath caressing my face. He was clueless about the fact that I was watching him sleep and it made it that much better. That’s when people have their guard down, no armour protecting and shielding them from the outside world. That’s when they are truly themselves.

He had his back to the window, the dim light making only a small portion of his face visible, creating shadows that brought out all the details. I noticed the delicate web of scars running over his cheek that were otherwise nearly invisible, the memorandum of his 21st birthday. I had heard the story before, the one he had told to the public, but I had never asked him more. I was afraid he’d be uncomfortable talking about it and I’d feel crappy for asking afterwards. Reaching out my hand I ran my fingertips over his skin, feeling the slight irregularities when reaching the scars. His eyelids fluttered.

“It’s not polite to stare,” he mumbled with a low and sleepy voice. The corner of his mouth went up as he opened his eyes a little. I froze, leaving my fingers where they were, connected to his skin.

“I’m not-…okay I am, but it’s not like you haven’t done that yourself. Plus it’s only natural, you being as  _pretty_  as you are,” I chuckled and started to pull my hand away. He caught it and kept my fingers in place, looking straight into my eyes.

“You never asked me what happened that night, the night I got these.”

His eyes were sad and I had the sudden urge to hug him and never let go.

“I thought you wouldn’t want me to. It’s kind of personal, isn’t it?”

The corners of his mouth went up but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yeah, but I think you deserve to know. Do you want me to tell you?”

I nodded, not daring to say another word in case he changed his mind. He took my hand from his face and laid it down between us, lacing his fingers through mine and keeping his eyes on them.

“It was my 21st birthday, I think you already knew that part, but I was dead set on not celebrating. We had no money, nothing to feel proud of really, so it seemed stupid. But Adam insisted. He had this huge night planned,” Theo smiled for real this time, “We ended up in this shitty nightclub with some of our friends, surrounded by hoards of drunk people. A fight was just waiting to break out. It’s pretty usual, alcohol makes everyone crazy. I was reasonably drunk myself, Adam was paying for my drinks that night as a birthday present. This one guy started picking on him, making vulgar remarks, and because Adam is Adam, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. I don’t even know what he told the guy or how he offended him, but next thing I knew, he was down on the floor, that huge mountain of a man on top of him, beating at his face. I didn’t think, I just acted. Which wasn’t a good idea, apparently. I grabbed him from behind, but he was heavy and I was skinny,” he chuckled again, “eating beans every day does that do you. The man turned around and glared at me like he wanted to kill me. I must admit I was scared shitless. He just stared, swaying a little from all the drinks he had consumed. He took a beer bottle from the nearby table and before I could even register what was happening, smashed it against my face. I’m not sure what happened next. I know I went down, I remember the hard floorboards under my body, and Adam bending over me, calling my name. That’s it. I woke up in the hospital with half my face plastered up and so much morphine in my system that it felt like I was floating. Everything was in slow motion: the nurses walking by, the other patients minding their business. Adam was there, I guess he felt guilty over what had happened to me. The time I spent in the hospital wasn’t fun. My friends visited when they could but I was still alone most of the time. This nurse, Evelyn, took care of me. You already knew that part as well. I guess that’s it.”

He went silent. I hadn’t made a sound while he was talking. Theo had kept his eyes on our hands but looked up now, waiting for my response. I swallowed, wrapped my hand around his head and pulled him close. His ear was resting against my chest and I was sure he could hear my heart beating faster than usual. I let my thumb smooth over his cheek and heard him sigh.

“Did you ever find out who the guy was? The one who hurt you?” I asked, not knowing what else to say.

“No, I didn’t really look for him though,” he chuckled again.

I pulled his head up to face mine. His expression wasn’t sad anymore. It was relaxed, a strange twinkle in his eyes.

“Thank you for telling me.”

He smiled and kissed me gently, tugging my hair behind my ear.

“No problem. It was nice to get it off my chest.”

Silence took over. I stared into his eyes and he stared back. My hands were still on his face, my thumb making small circles on his skin. It dragged on for a while, neither of us feeling the need to change it. I got lost in his deep brown eyes. It occurred to me I had never appreciated that colour before Theo came along.

“We need to pack for tomorrow,” he finally said, the corner of his mouth twisting up when he saw my eyes get into focus again.

“Tomorrow? I thought you had one more day,” a frown appeared in my forehead.

“ _We_  have to leave tomorrow night already, otherwise we will be late for the soundchecks. Being the performer isn’t just turning up for the gig. We have to do all kinds of preparations.”

“Oh..” I trailed off. The fact that I was going to have to meet the crew hit me, hard.

“I’m scared,” I whispered, “they’re gonna hate me or think I’m…I’m…”

“My girlfriend? Cause that’s what you are, aren’t you?”

It wasn’t the word I was looking for but it really was nice to hear him say that. It made me feel warm inside. I sent him a little smile, feeling calmer already. I still had time till tomorrow to prepare myself.

“Now get up, we need to go meet the guys and check over the instruments.”

I felt my face drop again.

  
  


Theo was holding on to my hand as we walked. It was cloudy outside, usual for England. The streets were practically empty. I wished I was somewhere warm and sunny. Then I realised.

“Theo, where are we going tomorrow?”

“Oh, you’re gonna love this,” he made a deliberate pause in the middle, “Greece.”

“Really? How warm is it there?” I was beginning to feel happy about the fact that I had said yes.

“I don’t know. But warm enough for us to sweat in our suits, no doubt. Places like this always make me second-guess my wardrobe.”

“I’ve heard you have this nice Hawaiian shirt…” I suggested, keeping an innocent face.

“You little stalker!” he threw his hands around me, almost lifting me off from the ground. I laughed and shrieked at the same time, my voice echoing off the houses that were lining the street.

“Oh, come on! You shouldn’t say these things in interviews if you don’t want people knowing about them. I’m not gonna pretend I haven’t watched any interviews of yours….or all of them.”

I felt more open about it now. Before I had been embarrassed about how much I knew but now, after this morning, I felt more relaxed. Theo seemed to take it pretty good as well. He was laughing with me, his hand around my shoulder as we moved along.

We reached the studio rather quickly as it was not far from my house. There was a van parked out front, I guessed it was for their gear and instruments. People were rushing in and out of the wide door near the van, carrying packs and wires. Theo took my hand in his and guided me towards the people. I recognized some of them. Adam was there, so was Paul, both messing around with their own gear. Adam lifted his gaze from his piano to us and smiled widely. I guess he was expecting us.

“Oh, hey Theo. And Annabel,” he called, deliberately saying my name so the other guys could tell he knew me. I felt a sudden rush of affection towards him. He was trying to make it easier for me, getting the guys to acknowledge I was here to stay. Paul looked at me quizzically, then down to our linked hands, then to Theo who was smiling beside me.

“Hello, I’m Paul,” he simply said.

“Annabel,” I nodded.

“She is coming with us this time, it’s a short trip so I thought it would be okay,” Theo offered an explanation.

“She is a good cook, I’ve heard,” Adam jumped in.

“I don’t see any problem with it. It’s always good to have new company. It gets rather annoying always touring with the same people. Plus I’m always up for a good meal,” he smiled, directing the last part to me.

I smiled back at him, relieved it had gone well, at least with one of the guys. The roadies were carrying on with their own business, sometimes looking at us questioningly. It was clear to me that seeing Theo with a girl by his side was something new to them. That made me rather proud.

When we entered the studio, I heard Paul asking some questions about me from Adam. I hoped he had good things to say to him.

“See? It’s not that bad. Although I should  _really_  buy those season tickets to Adam. He keeps helping us out,” Theo chuckled as we entered the recording studio.

  
  


We left the studio after a thurow tour from Theo. It was interesting to see where the album got finished and polished. I had met many people, all of them a little taken aback by me being there but accepting it none the less. It seemed to me Theo was showing me off, like wanting to tell everyone he finally got himself someone for real. It was cute and incredibly flattering. He was smiling a lot, the most beautiful smile a man could have. If there weren’t so many people around, I would have kissed him until I couldn’t breathe anymore. We got back to the van just as they were packing up the last of the equipment. Theo was still holding on to my hand like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“So we’ll see you guys tomorrow then. At 5pm. Bring your stuff,” Adam said as we approached, “and Theo, for God’s sake leave the weird Hawaiian shirt home this time.”

That made me chuckle quietly.

“Oh, come on, mate. It’s a nice shirt! Tell him, Anna,” he looked at me, hoping I’d side with him.

“Well, it  _is_  a bit unconventional, you have to admit,” I couldn’t keep a straight face.

Paul was laughing as well now.

“I like this girl, she’s a keeper.”

“We’re gonna talk about this later,” Theo said to me with a deliberate scowl, but he couldn’t keep his mouth from twisting up into a smile.

“I’m so scared,” I said, not even bothering to act like it.

He just laughed and hugged his hand around my shoulders, bringing me closer. I felt Paul’s eyes on me as I wrapped my hand around Theo’s waist.

“We better get going. Lots to do before tomorrow,” Theo told the guys, receiving goodbyes, and turned us to leave.

“We don’t really have  _that_  much to do, do we?” I asked when we were far enough for the guys not to gear us.

“Nope,” Theo mouthed, “but I had to escape from the final inventor or I’d gone crazy counting boxes for the rest of the evening. Plus, I’m sure we’ll find something to do with the extra time.”

I didn’t even bother answering that as I recognized the wicked glint in his eyes.

“First, we need to pack, though.”

  
  


Our things were scattered all over the room, our suitcases open. I went into the bathroom to collect our toothbrushes but stopped on my tracks as I remembered we hadn’t cleaned up yesterday. The entire bathroom was full of foam, most of it dried into a white puddle.

“Holy shit,” I heard Theo’s voice behind me.

“Holy shit indeed. We should clean this up.”

“Don’t bother, the roomservice will do that later. They’ve cleared out even bigger messes before.”

“I don’t even wanna know what they consisted of.”

Theo chuckled as he folded his pants and put them neatly into his bag. He wasn’t kidding when he said he only had suits and shirts, all of them either black, white or gray. The colorful shirt stuck out as a sore thumb. I couldn’t imagine him wearing it, though. I’d have to wait and see.

“You should definitely pack a bikini,” Theo said to me as I sat down on the bed next to my suitcase, “I can still remember you looking hot as hell in it. And Greece has some great beaches.”

I had to admit seeing Theo in shorts and nothing else was appealing to me.

“Bikini it is then,” I said and threw the ones I had taken with me from home just in case into my bag.

Theo stood up and sat behind me on the bed, running his hands over my back and shoulders.

“Are you still nervous? About coming?”

I shrugged, letting the feeling of his hands untying the knots in my muscles take over. He was skillful, his fingers finding just the right place to pressure. I felt soft kisses pressed on my neck and shoulders, his hands never stopping. My head rolled forward as I closed my eyes, the thoughts of spending my next few days with strangers retreating to the back of my mind. It didn’t seem relevant anymore.

Theo slipped the strap of my top off my shoulder, revealing more skit for him to touch and kiss. I sat still, letting it all happen without objections. There was time to pack tomorrow. I turned my head enough for him to kiss my lips. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders from behind, bringing me closer. I turned in his embrace to face him properly, my hands finding his face. I leaned on him, nudging him to lay down on the bed. He followed my lead, resting his head on the pillow, his hands holding on to my waist as he pulled me down with him. He lifted his head, searching for my lips and I gave them to him. My entire weight rested on him but he didn’t seem to mind. He pulled me even tighter, his hands running down my back and over my butt. I could feel how excited he was again. His stamina was relentless.

I nudged open his shirt, kissing my way down, running my teeth over his soft skin. His chest was heaving up and down, his hands in my hair. His dark eyes were watching my every move. I stared back at them, challenging him. Theo sat up, ripping off my clothes along with his and turned us around so he was on top of me, attacking my neck. My hands ran over his broad back, my nails trailing down his skin. A breathy sigh left my lips and mixed with Theo’s low moans. He pressed into me without further ado, generating a deep breath. I wrapped my legs around him and hugged his body to mine. His hands were roaming all over my body, caressing everything they found. He had established a steady pace, his hips rolling forward, but I had something else in mind.

With one swift move I turned us around so I was on top again. Theo’s eyes went wide, surprised about my initiative. I took his hands and put them on my body again, moving my hips in slow circles, driving him mad. I leaned down and but my lips to his ear.

“You like it when I’m on top, don’t you.”

It wasn’t a question. But he answered by crashing his lips to mine, taking the breath right out of me. He thrust up to me, receiving a moan in return. I managed to lift myself up on my hands, resting them on his chest, but they gave out soon enough as they were trembling too heavily. I settled to just moving my hips as Theo did most of the work anyway, his hands never stopping their movement. I bit down on his skin to hold back my screams as I collapsed. He couldn’t hold on any longer either as my body was shaking on top of him. He hugged me to him so tight I had difficulty breathing, my chest heaving to get more air.

  
  


His hands lazily roamed through my hair, bulling tiny strands and making me shiver. We had cuddled up under the soft blanket, my head resting on his chest, rising and falling as it did. I ran my fingers over the skin of his stomach, tickling the little hairs there. It was quiet and peaceful. I wanted it to stay that way so I buried all the thoughts of tomorrow under the sensation of his skin on mine. 


	10. Change

The morning was quiet. We slept late, making up for last night. We had stayed up, watching movies and talking. Theo had asked me questions, some important, others irrelevant. He seemed to be interested in all the answers though, listening as I talked, biting his lip. I didn’t think my life was interesting at all, compared to Theo’s, but he didn’t complain. We ended up falling asleep on the crack of dawn when the sun had started to creep in from the window. Now we couldn’t make ourselves get up, staying in bed and cuddling even after it was clearly time to wake. His warm hands around me made it even harder.

The time was not slowing down though, and soon we realized we would be late if we didn’t move. We had barely time to take a shower together and pack the final things when we already had to go. I couldn’t even begin to feel scared of being confined to a tiny space with people I barely knew and who barely knew me, plus being the only girl there. We tugged everything into the car and took off. My hair was still damp from the shower, Theo looked neat as usual. I tapped my fingers on the dashboard in a made-up rhythm.

“Stop, you are making me nervous,” Theo said finally, chuckling quietly.

“You? Nervous? Never.”

That made him laugh over the noise of the engine and I was afraid he would drive off the road. It was clear that I had unintentionally made a joke only Theo understood. I was curious but didn’t ask anything, sure that I would see for myself in due time.

  
  


We reached the airport a few minutes later. The plane was going to take us to Greece and from there, the Tourbus was supposed to take over. We would spend 3 days there, one gig on the first night and one on the last, giving us a full day of freedom in the middle. Of course, we needed to drive from one venue to the other but it was going to be at night, leaving plenty of time for us.

Paul, Richard and the crew were already there, trying to get the equipment through the customs without trouble. Adam arrived a few minutes later.

“Hey,” he sighed, “here we go again. I’m not gonna lie, I’ll be relieved when the touring finally stops. I think I have permanent jetlag as it is.”

“It’s a short one, and in Greece. It’s going to be fun. Remember the last time we were there? You were pretty wild,” Theo chuckled.

Adam groaned in response, dragging a hand over his eyes.

“What happened?” I asked, curious to know what was “wild” for Adam.

Theo answered before Adam could stop him: “He got drunk and went swimming in a fountain, clothes and all, in the middle of Athens. He avoids wearing his beloved boots when going out ever since.”

“Theo! Normally I would never do something like this,” he assured me and then turned back to Theo, “but I was intoxicated and not in control of my actions. I remember you giving me the same explanation a few nights ago…”

I understood what he meant and felt my face heat up. Theo had told him about what happened in the park and looked all innocent now. I sent him an angry glare that told him he would regret it later. Adam picked up on my actions.

“It’s okay, Annabel, I knew already. Theo just cleared out some parts.”

“In detail, I bet,” I growled, still glaring at Theo who had a little smirk on his lips, clearly amused by my annoyance. It was embarrassing, talking about our sexlife in the middle of a crowded airport with a third person involved. Theo just laughed and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, making it hard to stay mad at him for longer than 2 minutes.

  
  


We were sat next to each other on the plane with Adam and Pete right across the alley and Richard a few seats back.

“Are you still mad?” Theo asked quietly, caressing my cheek with his finger. His eyes were sincere and a little worried. Now I felt bad.

“No,” I sighed, turning my head to face him, “It’s hard to be mad at you. I don’t have enough willpower.”

“That’s good. I mean the you-not-being-mad part, not the…nevermind.”

He was rambling and being cute again. Even if I was mad before, it was impossible now. I took his hand into mine and kissed it, letting my lips linger. That earned me a smile and Theo laced his fingers through mine, lowering our hands on the armrest.

“How long is the flight?” I asked.

“About 7 hours, I think. You should sleep, we didn’t get nearly enough of it last night.”

I lowered my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I didn’t feel tired but Theo was right.

“You should take your own advice. You are the one who has to stand and sing tonight.”

I felt him lean his head against the chair and we dozed for a while, our hands linked.

  
  


I woke up a while later. Theo still had his eyes closed and I did my best not to wake him as I wiggled my hand free.

“How long did I sleep?” I asked Adam, whispering over Theo’s soft breathing.

“About an hour or so.”

Adam was reading a newspaper and ignoring Paul who was furiously tapping away on his knee, obviously carried away by the drumsolo coming from his headphones. I looked back at Theo who didn’t show any signs of waking up and decided to go for a walk to stretch my legs. First I headed to the bathroom to check my appearance. I locked myself in and turned to the mirror. My hair had dried completely by now and was holding strangely. There was a dent in them on the left side where my head had been connected to Theo’s shoulder. Frowning I combed through them with my fingers, trying to untwine some of the dangles. A knock on the door startled me. I ignored it at first but then it happened again. I unlocked the door and opened it, about to tell the person on the other side that I was busy. Theo pressed in past me and closed the door behind himself.

“Theo? What are doing? How did you know I was here?”

The cubicle was really small, leaving Theo pressed up against me, staring down at me.

“I woke up and you weren’t there. Adam told me where you went.”

“Oh…and did you have to use the bathroom?” I was confused.

Theo smiled down at me, clearly amused.

“I was thinking we could join The Mile High Club.”

“The Mile High Club? What are you… _Oh_!” it finally got to me, “But won’t we get caught?”

“Let’s worry about that later, ‘kay?” Theo said and crashed his mouth on mine.

His hands roamed all over my body, clearly not interested in foreplay. No one had ever kissed me the way he always did, with such abandonment. He lifted me up and lowered me on the sink table, stepping between my legs and grinding himself against me. His mouth was mauling at my throat, his hands making headway on getting rid of my pants. I tried to be quiet but a moan escaped my lips. Theo muffled it with his mouth as he let his pants fall to his ankles. There was nothing sweet and lovely about what was happening but we didn’t want there to be, not at the moment. He breached my body without hesitation as I wrapped my legs around him. There was something exhilarating about it, the fear of discovery mixing with excitement. Theo’s face was hidden in my neck, a low grunt reaching my ear but not travelling any further. I clung to his body as he set up a steady pace. This wasn’t going to last long, it couldn’t, considering where we were. He held me close, biting at my neck. We were both breathing heavily, gasps filling the little room. My hands went down to his lean waist, roaming up his skin and under his shirt, smoothing over his stomach. I felt him shudder, a little whimper reaching my ear. He was close and dead set on bringing me down with him, pulling out every trick he had up his sleeve, driving me to the verge of insanity. I bit down on his shoulder, muffling my screams as he came in tune with me, riding it out in slow strokes.

My legs were cramped around him and they hurt as I unhooked them. I took his head from my shoulder and leaned his forehead against mine, his hot breath mixing with mine. His eyes were shut, little pearls of sweat on his face shining in the light.

“That was…different,” I managed to blurt.

“That was incredible,” he said with a breathy voice.

A knock on the door made us jump in surprise. Theo’s eyes shot open, mirroring the fear in my eyes. Then suddenly we were in a hurry. Theo pulled up his pants and helped me find mine. As he opened the door, I looked back to the mirror, smoothing my hair that was now even more out of place than it was before. My cheeks were pink and my eyes were shining like I was drunk. It was obvious that something had happened. I heard an annoyed female voice talking to Theo, probably reading the rules to him. I was sure that two people in the bathroom at the same time wasn’t allowed. He reached his hand behind and grabbed mine, pulling me out from the little room and down the hallway with him. I passed an angry stewardess on my way out, the one who had argued with Theo. She didn’t look pleased at all.

We reached our seats and slumped down, a little laugh building up in my chest. Theo was already chuckling besides me, a hand covering his eyes.

“What’s going on?” Adam lowered his newspaper and looked at us, “Did you…? You did! A little quickie in the bathroom? Can’t you guys keep your hands away from each other for  _one_  minute?”

Paul had put away his headphones and was grinning behind Adam, looking at us. I noticed Theo’s cheeks were as pink as mine. This was a certain give-away.

“It’s been more than  _one minute_ ,” I said in our defence, letting out another chuckle, “plus, Theo was the one who attacked me in the bathroom. Not my fault.”

I didn’t even know why I found it funny as I had made a big problem out of something similar before. I could still hear blood rushing in my ears and adrenalin bumping through my veins. I didn’t care what they thought of me. Adam shook his head, one side of his mouth twisting up, and returned to his paper. Theo looked at me, smiling widely. His pupils were still fully dilated, making his eyes darker than usual. He leaned in and kissed me, wrapping his hand around me after pulling away. This flight was turning out quite interesting.

  
  


A wall of hot and damp air hit us as soon as we stepped off the plane. I felt my hair clung to my neck in a minute. The sky was blue, not a single cloud in sight. It would have been paradise if I was wearing a bikini, or nothing at all. I felt sorry for the guys who were no doubt boiling in their suits. Theo put on his round sunglasses, took my hand and towed me towards the shade of the airport.

After getting all the gear through customs, we set off towards the venue. Athens was gorgeous. I had never been here before and the beauty took my breath away. My nose was nearly flat against the car window and I felt like the biggest tourist on the planet. Theo was almost as excited as I was even though he had been here before.

The venue was huge, not surprising considering the success Hurts had in Greece. I felt small when walking in, the ceiling hovering so far above me. While the crew was setting up shop, we wandered around. When we found ourselves alone for a moment, Theo pulled me into a corner, devouring my lips, his hands roaming through my hair.

“It’s time for a soundcheck,” we heard Adam call through the corridor.

Theo pulled away and let his eyes wander over my face, one of his hands on my cheek, sighing disappointedly.

“Let’s go,” he gave me a quick kiss and pulled me with him.

  
  


I got to watch them, just me in a big room and the boys on the stage. Theo’s voice did all kinds of strange things to my body, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. The low notes vibrated through my muscles, making my toes tingle. The bass made my heart flutter. It was over way too soon.

We had to wait for the real gig to start. The crowds started gathering early, making endless queues starting from the front door. The people poured in when it was opened while I hung back stage with the guys. Theo was playing with his fingers, something I had started to relate to him being nervous or wound up. He wiggled his rings and tapped his heel against the floor in a fast pace. I remembered his sarcastic laugh in the car after the unintentional joke I had made. He  _was_  nervous, terrified even. His hands stilled as I put my palm on them. He looked up, sending me a shaky smile.

“Sorry. It’s just…I haven’t gotten used to performing to so many people yet.”

“You’re gonna be fine. You always are. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

“There are just so many things that can go wrong in a big gig like this. What if the Iceland fiasco happens again? It was awful…”

“…and your fans loved it none the less. Don’t you see? It’ll be fine, trust me,” I smiled at him and squeezed his hands.

He seemed to settle a bit, but the worry never left his eyes. When it was time for them to go on stage, I followed. Theo gave me a quick kiss before running after Adam who had already started to climb the stairs. I headed towards the side of the stage that gave me the best view. The mass of people gave me shivers, I totally understood Theo’s fears now. The way they screamed when they appeared, throwing their hands in the air, waving signs and taking pictures. It was like a zoo and Hurts was on display. My hands were shaking in anticipation but it went away with the first notes of his voice. The performance was powerful, the audience going crazy and the floorboards under my feet shaking with the sound. Theo was playing off the crowd perfectly, still managing to look towards me every once in a while. The crowd went mental again as Adam stood up and took his guitar during Evelyn. They were both loved by thousands of people around the world and I could only imagine what that felt like.

The night was cut short as we needed to hit the road as soon as the gig was over. Theo and Adam got off the stage after Better Than Love, all sweaty and panting. Theo took me into a crushing bearhug, almost toppling me over.

“You guys were great! I told you it was going to be fine,” I managed to say with a strangled voice.

“It was  _wonderful_! The crowd is always great in Greece.”

We headed to the Tourbus that was waiting for us outside, but there were hoards of young girls blocking our way. I managed to slip through unnoticed, melting into the crowd, but Theo and Adam were trapped. They were polite as always, giving autographs and taking pictures. They looked so serious when posing and it made me smile. I walked slowly to the bus, knowing that I had plenty of time to myself. The city was even more beautiful in the twilight, giving it an enchanted glow. I didn’t even try to get into the bus as it was probably locked and none of the men around it knew who I was. Instead, I passed it and went walking on the nearby streets. The people looked and acted so different here, I felt out of place. The colourful windows of the shops invited me but I didn’t go in. I had no idea how long I had wondered when my phone started buzzing in my pocket. It was Theo.

“Hey, where are you? I looked everywhere.”

“I went for a walk. I’ll come back right away. Did you manage to escape the screaming girls?” I chuckled as I turned around and retraced my steps.

“Sorry about that,” he sighed, “I should have warned you.”

“No problem, I was kind of expecting that anyway. I’ll be right there, wait for me.”

“Of course.”

I hung up and set up a faster pace, reaching them in no time.

  
  


We had been on the road for a few hours. As I had gathered from the guys, we needed to drive all night in order to get tomorrow free. I was seated next to Theo, his hand resting on my knee, his fingers tracing patterns on my skin. The guys were all scattered around the room, Adam sitting on the other side of Theo. They had a small TV. It was playing on the background as beer and Gin was poured out and handed around.

“What do you like? Beer? Gin? Water?” Richard asked as he was the bartender tonight.

“Gin is fine,” I said, lifting my eyes from Theo’s hand.

“You have found yourself just the right girl there, Theo,” the guys laughed and I joined in.

“So what do you do anyway?” Paul asked.

“I study biology in the Uni.”

I had a big grin on my face. This reminded me last night when Theo had decided to ambush me with questions. Maybe he had prepared me for tonight?

“So you have brains as well as taste? Respect.”

“How long has this been going on?” Richard asked, moving his finger between me and Theo.

“Not long,” Theo answered.

“I met her for the first time about three weeks ago,” Adam added, smirking at us.

“At the festival? This is getting interesting!”

An avalanche of questions followed, many of them similar to the ones Theo had asked me. Some of them made him lift his eyebrow.

“So Theo stayed with you these past couple of days, yeah? Did you get any sleep?”

The room filled with laughter and I felt myself blushing again. I covered my face with my hands, laughing at my own awkwardness.

“Oh my god, guys, this conversation is not heading in the right direction at all!” I mumbled in between chuckles.

“I must agree. What’s with the interrogation?” Theo asked.

“We’re just making sure our boy hasn’t shacked up with the wrong girl.”

I heard Theo growl and Adam laugh beside him.

“I was born and raised in Manchester, I’m 19, I don’t do drugs but sometimes I drink. I have never been in jail. I am not a sex-addict like some of you might think and I don’t get off on shagging in weird places. Although yes, we were caught red-handed by Theo’s psycho ex-girlfriend a few nights ago…”

“Anna!” Theo’s surprised yelp snapped me out of my rant.

“What! They were going find out eventually. Things like that never stay a secret, specially when Adam already knows,” I laughed, all my shame gone.

The guys were roaring in laughter, watching us banter.

“Adam! You have been holding out on us. What else do you know?”

“Nothing!” Theo answered for him, before Adam could open his mouth, and laughed, “You guys know too much already. Now who’s hungry? I am.”

He answered his own question and took me by the hand, guiding me to the kitchen area where no one could see us. He pulled me into a hug, his chest rising as he chuckled.

“You are such a mystery. Where did that shy girl I know so well disappear back there?”

“She was left in the toilet 30 000 feet above ground,” I mumbled against his chest, “again, not my fault.”

Theo kissed the top of my head and roamed his fingers through my hair.

“I’m not mad you told them. A little warning would be nice next time, though, so I can compose my face accordingly. I must have looked dumbfounded. They will probably never shut up about it.”

“Hey, lovebirds, make something for us as well! Adam told us she can cook!” echoed from the other room.

“That better be the only thing he told you!” Theo shouted back, “or his season tickets will go straight to the trash!”

I laughed, looking up at him.

“You didn’t buy those tickets yet.”

“I know that, and you know that, but he doesn’t,” he grinned wickedly back at me.

“You are such a manipulator,” I poked my finger at his chest, “now tell me, where do you guys keep your food around here?”

“You are seriously cooking for them?” Theo looked surprised.

“Of course I am.  _Someone_ promised them and I have to deliver now, don’t I?” I said, gave him a hasty kiss and started searching through the little cupboards, “and you are going to help me.”


	11. Warmth

At first I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb, like someone had removed my body over night, leaving only the head behind. Then pain started seeping into my consciousness, slowly but steadily. I was confused. I could still vaguely remember the dreams I had woken up from but they ran away from me, turning into a hazy blur. She had been there, that’s for sure. She always was lately.

I tried moving my fingers but when I couldn’t tell whether something happened or not I opened my eyes. The familiar bland ceiling of my bunk was all I could see as it was almost dark in there, the curtains providing privacy and containment. I looked down towards my chest where She was sleeping, her head rising and falling with every breath I took. Her whole body was on top of mine, I suspected it was the cause of the screaming ache in my muscles. It had seemed like a brilliant idea last night when we finally got to bed after feeding the zoo that was our crew. The bunks were narrow and she wasn’t that heavy. I thought it would be fine, better than fine even as her bare skin was touching mine in all the right places. The corner of my mouth twitched up, her hair was tousled and her mouth was slightly open. It looked like she’d had a wild night, but in reality we had just fallen asleep. It was impossible to do something here as there were ears everywhere. I could hear them breathing even now, soft breathing that indicated they were all still asleep. It must have been early. The Tourbus had stopped though, so we had already arrived to our destination.

I raised my hand and smoothed down her hair that was sticking out in all directions and tickling my skin. Her hand that was laying next to her head curled up, her nails running over my skin, giving me goosebumps. I suddenly realised that having her so close had woken up something that shouldn’t have been awake. I willed myself to think about something else, wishing it to go away. Our situation and location didn’t allow for something like that. I needed a cold shower, sooner better than later.

I wrapped my hands tightly around her and rolled us to the side. I could feel the numbness retreating already. She sighed softly, her hands clinging to me, her eyelids fluttering.

“Hey,” I said quietly, testing whether or not she was awake.

She planted a soft kiss on my skin in response.

“Good morning…to both of you.”

I groaned. Seems like my hormones outweighed my willpower.

“Sorry about that,” I chuckled, “I will go and take a cold shower as soon as you let me.”

“You might need to wait a while then,” she mumbled, clearly not willing to let go of me yet. Her sleepy voice made the situation even worse.

“Anna,” I growled, “I need to do something about  _that_ , or I will seriously kill you with my personality.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” she smiled against my skin.

“Yeah, me neither, but the guys would. They already have enough to talk about after you so generously told them about our adventures,” I chuckled.

I tilted her head up with my finger and let our lips meet for a moment.

“I’ll be right back,” I said quickly as soon as we broke apart and retreated to avoid any further distractions.

The air was cold outside the little cave that was my bunk. I ran over the little dimly lit room towards the bathroom, only tight shorts covering my skin, but collided with something along the way.

“Jeeesus, Theo! Watch where you’re going!” I heard Adam’s annoyed voice. He had come from the bathroom and was now standing in the middle of the corridor, rubbing his head.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” I chuckled, combing my fingers through my messy hair.

Adam frowned at me and then let his eyes wander, taking in my appearance.

“I see your morning started well,” he finally mumbled, not knowing where to look.

I covered myself with my hands, letting out a little couch.

“How can you be so horny all the time?” he laughed and it was my turn to frown at him.

“It’s morning, okay! Don’t tell me it hasn’t happened to you. In fact I  _know_  it has so _please_ , if you don’t mind, I will now go and take a shower.”

“That alone won’t help. Have fun,” Adam chuckled and walked pass me, patting a hand on my shoulder.

  
  


A few hours later we were all sitting in a sloppy circle, some of us eating breakfast, some just staring at a wall blankly. Most of the guys were far from being a morning-person. Anna was sitting in my lap to save room, this bus was clearly not meant for that many people.

“So what were you lovebirds up to last night?” Paul chuckled.

“I don’t even wanna know, mate! Why did you just ask them that!” Richard whined between chewing his sandwich.

“I don’t think they did anything. We would have heard, she looks like a screamer.”

The guys laughed again and I stared cockily back, trying to hide the fact that I didn’t even know what to answer to such mental questions. Anna’s mouth twisted up into a smile.

“We wouldn’t give you that kind of satisfaction, guys. Besides, Theo is the vocal one,” she replied to the shamelessly staring men.

A loud laugh escaped my lips as my mouth fell open. Who was that girl and what had she done to the shy Anna I was so used to? Something had definitely changed after that moment we had on the plane, or maybe even before. I made a mental note to find the answer to that and patted my hand on her thigh, giving it a firm squeeze. Adam was shaking with muffled chuckles beside me, one of his hands covering his mouth.

“I bet he is,” the guys pitched in.

“Oh  _no_ , you are  _not_ ganging up on me! We’re leaving,” I said and stood up. Anna let out a little yelp and threw her hands around my neck as I took her up with me and carried her away towards the front door.

“Bye!” she called back over my shoulder to the guys before I stepped out from the bus. It was sunny and hot outside. I was glad I had chosen to wear my shirt and not a suit. I settled Anna down on her feet and took her hand in mine.

“I still can’t get over the fact that you own an Hawaiian shirt,” she said, roaming her eyes up and down my body.

“What! I love this shirt,” I chuckled, looking down at myself.

“I’m not saying it’s bad,” she retorted, “it’s just…different.”

“I can’t look like a librarian all the time, now can I? Let’s go, there’s so many things to do in Athens and not enough time for all of it.”

  
  


We wandered around the town for hours. I managed to find all the great places I had visited before and show them to Anna. I wanted her to have a great first time here. I managed to drag her to an art gallery as well. I didn’t know if she liked it but I couldn’t stay away myself. I probably looked like a kid in a candystore, drooling over the paintings. I had never had any talent in painting, otherwise I might have never delved that deep into music.

After the gallery we decided it was time for us to eat something so I took her to this wonderful restaurant we had discovered with Adam the last time we were here. It was small and not fancy at all, but it was comfortable and served good food. The staff was polite and welcoming. There weren’t many people there so we could pick our table freely. After ordering, I leaned back and let out a ragged breath. Anna swung a leg over her knee and rested her hands on the table. It had been an exhausting afternoon.

“Athens is crazy! There are so many people here. I think I would go mental if I lived here,” she sighed.

“It’s a big city with lively people, nothing like Manchester. The nightlife is beyond belief.”

“Do we get to see it tonight?” she seemed interested.

“Of course. We are going out, all of us. Adam and the guys promised to meet us.”

“We shouldn’t drink too much though, right? You have a gig tomorrow, you need to be fit for that.”

“Oh don’t worry, we will be fit alright. We’re used to playing after a wild night, we kind of have to with our schedule. If we refused to party before every gig, we would never see anything but out hotel room. So we’re going out, and we’re gonna have a good time.”

“Where exactly are we going?” she seemed hesitant.

“You’ll see. It’s a great place.”

“I only have one request…”

“And what is that?”

“Please let’s behave tonight…I don’t want to end up fucked into a tree again.”

I smiled and leaned in to steal a kiss, leaning my forehead against hers.

“I can’t promise you anything.”

  
  


We returned to the bus when our feet got too tired of walking. It was getting late as well and Anna wanted to get changed so she could look nice for tonight. Me saying she always looked nice didn’t have any effect. I blamed it on her being a woman.

The Tourbus was empty as we were supposed to spend the night in a nearby hotel. I managed to switch my shirt against a nice suit in no time. Anna disappeared into the bathroom and I decided to start the party early. We always had Gin and tonic so I poured myself a glass and relaxed while she was doing her thing. 

I managed to finish an entire drink before Anna reappeared. She had changed into a sexy dress that showed off her lean legs and brought out her figure. Her eyes were beautiful, the make up bringing out their colour. It took me a while to remembered how to close my mouth.

“You look beautiful,”

She just smiled and came over to me, sitting on my lap, her bare feet tangling in the air. She slid her hands around my neck, nuzzling her nose against my cheek, her hot breath caressing my skin. I turned my head to catch her lips. One of my hands slid slowly up her thigh as we kissed, stopping only after she caught it.

“It’s a little early for that,” she mumbled against my lips.

“It’s  _never_  early for that.”

“Today it is. I didn’t dress up for nothing, I want to go out.”

Anna took my hand from her thigh and kissed my palm, my skin tingling under her touch. She got up, put on high heels and walked towards the door, her hips swaying from side to side, catching all my attention. I got up and followed her as soon as she disappeared from my view.

  
  


The club was near our hotel. It was fortunate, otherwise we would get lost on the way back from the club. I had every intention of drinking myself to oblivion. We could already hear the music three blocks away. I had to admit this club was the biggest one I had ever been to. That’s why we chose to go back this time. The amount of people there was astounding.

We met up with Adam just as we were entering the club. He was wearing his usual: white shirt, suspenders, black pants. I hoped he would find a nice girl tonight to keep him company. I felt like I had neglected him after getting together with Anna. I promised myself to buy him a drink tonight and maybe be his wingman.

Adam’s eyes widened a fraction when we walked up to him. He was staring at Anna and I suddenly felt proud to be standing next to her.

“Keep your eyes on her face, thank you,” I laughed.

Adam snapped out of his staring and focused on my face instead, a wide smile spreading over his face.

“It’s not my fault your girlfriend looks hot.”

“I’m right here, you guys!” Anna cut in, her face showing mixed emotions.

I hugged an arm around her shoulders, my fingers dragging slow circles on her skin, and gave her a soft kiss. Adam seemed to feel uncomfortable, shuffling his feet on the ground.

“Okay, okay, let’s go in. The others are already waiting,” he hurried us along.

  
  


He was right, though. We found the guys all lined up against the bar, checking out every girl in the building. They all had drinks in their hands already so I ordered us some as well. I could feel a little tingle in my toes from the one I had taken back on the bus, but it was far from enough. I wanted to let loose, I needed to get wild and forget everything when the morning came.

The conversation between our group moved along rather smoothly, everyone was getting more and more tipsy and with that, the comments on the girls that passed us got bolder and bolder. I stood behind Anna, one hand around her waist, hers covering mine. I was tall enough to participate in the group without any trouble, my chin resting on her head every once in a while when it got too heavy from the Gin I had already consumed.

Anna loved to dance, she had told me so the night I had bombarded her with questions. Her hips were moving to the beat under my hand, maybe unconsciously, considering she was in a good mood after her third drink. I was sure she wanted to dance tonight as well and due to the fact that her friends weren’t here tonight, I was all she had. At least I could make sure I was drunk enough when we hit the dancefloor.

“Do you want to dance?” I whispered in her ear, my lips slightly brushing against her skin.

She turned her head and smiled up at me.

“Dance? I thought you didn’t dance, other than the occasional snuggle in the middle of the dancefloor.”

“I’m willing to make an exception for you. I  _know_  you want to dance so just help me out and take control of the situation if I get too mental.”

Her smile got wider, a challenge glistening in her eyes. She took my hand without words and guided us towards the moving crown. I heard roars from the guys behind me, all of them knew I couldn’t dance and they found it amusing. We disappeared from their view, diving into the pulsating bodies, the only thing keeping us from losing each other were our entwined hands. My head was swimming, everything melting into a colourful blur. I could only see Her, her face, her smile, her eyes. I could only feel her hand grabbing my side as she pulled me close, her body against mine, her hair tickling my neck as she kissed it. I let go completely, giving myself to her mercy, not caring what I did or how it looked. I just moved with the flow, rather feeling the music instead of hearing it. My eyes closed as I lolled my head back, taking in the sensory overflow.

Her lips caressed my neck, soft kisses trailing up my skin. My head came back down, my mind finding her lips before my body did. My hands wrapped around her waist and lifted her up so her head came in level with mine. When there wasn’t enough air left in my lungs, I broke away, my lips still partly connected to hers, heaving in gulps of air. Her warm breath caressed my face and my neck, her tongue trailing over my lower lip.

“I want you so bad…” I moaned, kissing her again.

“Not here.”

“Then let’s go,” I was ready to leave right now, “the hotel isn’t far…”

“We can’t,” she sounded as disappointed as I was, “we can’t just disappear again.”

I sighed. I knew what she meant. I had promised myself to spend a little time with Adam, instead I had clung to Anna the whole night. I settled her down, tugging her hair behind her ear.

“Fine, later then. Now help me find Adam a decent girl for tonight so we could leave.”

  
  


We were dragging ourselves towards the hotel a few hours later. Anna had managed to hitch a ride on my back as she was very tired. Her head rested on my shoulder and I was afraid she had already fallen asleep. Adam was holding on to a nice dark-haired girl, exchanging kisses every now and then. I was pleased about the way his night had turned out.

Adam headed straight to the elevator when we entered the hotel lobby. He had already checked in earlier today, we hadn’t. I walked to the reception desk, the lady behind it eyeballing us suspiciously.

“Hi, Theo Hutchcraft, I’d like a room for two. Preferably with a hottub.”

I was still rather drunk but managed to keep a straight face. The lady raised an eyebrow when she heard my request.

“It’s not important..” Anna mumbled against my neck.

“I promised you a hottub and you’re gonna get one,” I chuckled, surprised she was still awake.

The receptionist gave me a keycard and sent us on our way. Anna insisted on walking herself to the elevator so I settled her down gently, making sure she could stand. Her eyes were sleepy but she walked straight so I let her go.

Our room was big, the bed looked like it could accommodate five people. Anna walked in before me, removing her shoes on the way and tossing them on the floor. She headed to the bed, falling onto it and letting out a deep sigh.

“You can’t sleep in your clothes, babe,” I said as I removed my own.

She growled, starting to undress slowly. At the rate she was going, she would have finished when it was already time to wake up, so I helped her out. We crawled under the thick soft blanket, sleepiness washing over me. My eyes felt heavy so I closed them. Anna nuzzled against me, kissing my chest, moving slowly upwards until she caught my lips. Our kisses were lazy at first, but heated up over time, our tongues colliding. The excitement I had felt in the club returned, a little less urgent, but still strong. My hands caressed her skin, moving over her body, slow but determined. Her body pressed against me, her skin meeting mine, her warmth heating me up.

I rolled on top of her, never breaking our contact. Her legs wrapped around me, inviting me in. Our movements were slow, neither of us in a hurry. The slow pace gave me a chance to discover her body even further, my mouth and hands finding every piece of skin they could reach. Anna’s soft moans filled the room, accompanied by my deep breaths. Her hands caressed up and down my back, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears, pearls of sweat appearing on my temples. My hips stuttered forward sharply, making her groan as I slowly lost control. I returned to my fluid movements but stepped up the pace, a strangled moan left Anna’s throat.

“I thought I was the vocal one,” I growled lowly in her ear between heavy breaths.

That earned me an even louder response as she toppled over the edge, arching her back off the mattress and collapsing around me. It all went black for a moment as I lost it, my body shaking in tune with the waves that took control of my body.

Anna was breathing heavily into my ear, one of her hands wrapped around my neck tightly. I rolled myself off her as soon as I could think straight again. She was still clinging to my body, following my movement and settling her head on my chest. The blanked contained our warmth perfectly. The sleepy state returned as quickly as it had disappeared, my eyes falling shut and my mind slipping away into oblivion.


	12. Acceptance

My eyes snapped open as soon as I realized the screeching noise in my ears wasn’t apart of my dream. I would never think up something as awful as that sound was. I reached towards it, knocking my phone off the little cupboard next to the bed, the noise changing as it hit the ground. I didn’t remember setting an alarm last night, I hadn’t even thought about it. All I remembered was Her. She was everywhere. In my dreams, in my thoughts, always next to me, always connected. I could feel her even now, her back touching my side. I opened my eyes, trying to focus my vision on finding the bloody thing that had woken me up. I had a strong urge to smash it against the wall but buried the thought as it was essential in keeping myself in touch with the world. I fumbled with the phone, my fingers refusing to co-operate fully, hitting random keys instead of the one I was aiming for. When it finally shut up, I tossed the little gadget on the fumble of clothes next to the bed, looking over my shoulder to see if the ruckus hadn’t waken up Anna.

Her back was still facing me, arched as she was curled up in a tight ball, her head almost touching her knees. The only movement was her side rising and falling in tune with her breathing. I tucked the blanket higher, covering her bare skin and keeping away the chilly air. I was still sleepy, the idea of spending the day in bed dozing seemed unbelievably appealing. I tried to gather my brain and wondered why my alarm seemed to think I needed to get up early.

I took my phone again and checked the time. It wasn’t  _that_  early, but considering we had gotten back to the hotel on the crack of dawn, I wasn’t interested in the standard measurements of time. The date stirred something in my mind and I remembered we had a concert to give today. I groaned quietly, closing my eyes. I had mixed feelings about it. One side of me thought it was stupid, touring constantly, never getting any rest or free time. The other half was excited, loving the rush of adrenaline that flushed through my body every time I stepped on the stage, thousands of faces looking up at me, screaming at me.

I dialled the first number in my phonebook and let it ring. A sleepy voice picked up on the other end.

“Whtisit?” a rough mumble reached my ear.

“Hey, Adam. You still sleeping?”

“Obviously..why are you calling so early? We don’t need to be anywhere until noon.”

“Yeah, and it’s already 11 am.”

“Fuck..” Adam sighed, getting up from the bed by the sound of it.

“How’s your head? You were pretty wasted yesterday,” I asked, chuckling quietly.

“It’s fine. I think I haven’t gotten entirely sober yet, though.”

“Is the girl still there?”

“Yes…”

“Good for you. Meet me in the lobby in half an hour.”

“Sure,” Adam frowned and hung up.

I sat up as well, impressed by how deeply Anna slept. She hadn’t moved a muscle even though I hadn’t made any effort in keeping my voice down. I didn’t have the heart to wake her so, after planting a soft kiss on her shoulder, I headed towards the bathroom. The scent of last night still lingered in the air and on my body. Alcohol, smokes and sweat mixing with the sweet scent of Her. I checked myself from the mirror on the way to the shower and had to stop for a moment My hair was messed up, no surprise there, but what caught my eye were the red spots marking my neck. I couldn’t remember her biting me that hard, but then again, I hadn’t payed attention to pain at the time. The dark patches were high enough and I was sure the collar of my shirt wouldn’t cover them completely. I had to think of something later. Inspecting my body further, I noticed pink lines running down my back. They seemed older, probably made a few days ago, maybe during the moment we had on the plane. A little smile stretched up the corners of my mouth. It was like she had claimed me and made me hers. A strange feeling shot through my stomach, something I couldn’t identify.

  
  


Ten minutes later I returned to the bedroom, the only thing covering my body being a soft white towel around my hips. Anna was still in bed but she had changed her position, now laying flat on her back, the blanket barely covering her curves. I slumped down next to her, rocking the bed and disturbing her calm. I laid my head down next to hers, getting as close as I could without actually touching her, waiting for her eyes to open. Her mouth fell slightly open with a sigh as her eyelids fluttered, a soft blue appearing. I smiled widely, reaching out my hand to run a finger down her cheek.

“Good morning beautiful,” I whispered.

A sleepy smile brightened her face as her eyes fell shut again for a moment.

“Why are you wet?” she asked quizzically, still disoriented.

“I took a shower, you should too.”

“Do I smell  _that_  bad?”

“Do you want an honest answer?” I asked, chuckling.

That earned me a playful punch in my arm as she tugged the blanked over her head with a growl.

“Come on, babe. We need to be ready in 15 minutes or so. Adam is waiting.”

“15 minutes?! I can’t even get out of bed by then!” a muffled whine came from the puddle of white in front of me.

I decided to help out and pulled the blanket off, all the way to the ground. She squealed and tried to cover herself up from the cold, wrapping her hands around herself and bringing her legs against her chest. I gathered her up in my arms and carried her to the bathroom, ignoring her attempts of getting free.

“Theo!” she yelped when I settled her down in the shower and turned the tab on.

She was now clearly awake and her eyes were big, blinking from the water running down her face. I laughed as I closed the door behind her and shouted through it.

“Hurry. Adam might have had a good night but he still hates waiting more than anything else in the world. If we’re late, I will blame you.”

  
  


Ten minutes later I walked into the lobby, Adam already standing in the middle of it, poking the floor with his shoe. I fumbled with the collar of my shirt, tugging it higher, trying to hide the red spots marking my skin. 

“We might have to wait a little. The girl is still upstairs, doing whatever girls do every morning. Unbelievable. It takes forever.”

“Yeah, Anna is still showering.”

“Women…” Adam sighed and shook his head, thrusting his hands in his pockets.

  
  


We arrived at the venue a little late, me and Anna hand-in-hand, Adam walking beside us. He was in a good mood inspite of the early wake-up call. The crew greeted us with low rumbling voices, a few of them clearly showing signs of hangover.

“Tonight’s gonna be huge. The gig is sold out,” Paul said while fumbling with his piercing.

I had always thought it didn’t match the look of our band, but it suited him well. Drummers were always rebels in my eyes, Paul wasn’t any different.

“Is there food lying around here somewhere? I’m starving!” I asked, roaming my eyes over the nearby tables.

“Yeah, the venue provided plenty. It’s all stacked up in the next room. How can you be hungry after a night like that?” Richard wondered.

“I’m always hungry, haven’t you noticed?” I grinned and headed towards the promised food.

It was hard to choose. The venue had been thurow, giving us everything we had asked for and more. My stomach grumbled loudly, reminding me the last time I ate was yesterday afternoon. I settled on a granola bar and a pack of chocolate cookies. I sat down on a nearby couch and watched as Anna and Adam chose something for themselves and slumped down next to me. We had a little time before the soundcheck and I planned on spending it wisely.

“So how was _your_  night, Adam?” I heard Anna ask, a wicked grin taking over.

Adam let out a strangled cough before answering.

“It was fine, thank you.”

“Just fine? I seem to remember you getting lucky.”

“You were practically passed out on Theo’s back, dear. You sure you remember correctly?”

“Oh come on, mate! She helped you get her, didn’t she?” I chuckled after swallowing a cookie.

Anna _had_  helped him. Turns out a wingman from the opposite sex works wonders. Girls seemed to like guys who were already occupied. Maybe it added a sense of challenge to the game.

“Yeah okay. Thank you, Annabel. It was great, just what I needed,” Adam finally gave in, “I trust you had a good time as well? Judging by the way you were all over each other in the club.”

I growled at him.

“We were in the middle of the dancefloor. How did you even see that?”

“I happened to go by. I am right though, aren’t I?”

I didn’t even bother to answer that and threw another cookie in my mouth, scowling at him. It felt like I never had any time for myself, no sense of privacy. It could get claustrophobic like that. A soft laugh took my focus away. Anna was smiling widely, staring at us.

“You guys banter like brothers. I think it’s cute.”

My eyebrow shot up as I exchanged a look with Adam, his face expressing the same feeling of awkwardness that I felt. We knew we were close, best mates for years, maybe even like family, but we had never put it into words. Our songs could be emotional and honest but in reality we were still two blokes from Manchester, incapable of expressing our feelings openly. An awkward silence hung in the air for a moment.

“I think it’s time for a soundcheck,” Adam said quickly and stood up, heading back to where the guys were all still wallowing in silence.

“Did I say something wrong?” Anna asked, genuine concern in her eyes.

“No, of course not,” I assured her, reaching put my hand and cupping her cheek,”men are just not that good in expressing their feelings. Especially when they concern another men.”

Her eyebrow shot up, a quizzical look taking over.

“That’s just stupid.”

I shrugged my shoulders and pressed a kiss on her lips.

“What is that?” she suddenly asked, forcing my head to the side, revealing the partly covered marks.

“It’s you. Don’t you recognize?” I laughed.

“We need to take care of those before the gig. Hold still”

She roamed through her bag, recovering what she was looking for. It was fascinating to see the concentration on her face while she was trying to hide her work. 

“There, all good,” she announced a while later, eyeing my neck critically.  

“Thank you. Now, it actually  _is_  time for soundcheck.”

“Can I watch?” she asked, excitement making her voice a little higher.

“Of course. I need an audience to practice, don’t I?”

It was the truth. I remembered what Paul had said about the gig being sold out. I sincerely hoped my nerves wouldn’t fail me tonight.

  
  


The hall was huge, the back wall blending into darkness. It could fit thousands of people easily. It was empty now, but for Anna, standing in front of the stage, smiling up at me as I stepped behind the microphone. Music filled the echoing room, making the sound bounce off the walls. My heart instantly began to move according to the beat, quickening as the rhythm quickened. Her eyes were pouring into mine, inviting me in, reminding me of the last time we had stood in the exact same position. Back then our story hadn’t started yet, now there was no turning back. I knew how I felt about her, I finally admitted it to myself. I could joke about falling in love with beautiful women five times a day, but when it really happened, it scared the life out of me.

I opened my mouth and released my voice, the low notes vibrating through my body, making my brain tremble. The songs were in my head, all of them at the same time, one melting into another without any effort. They were mine, ours. Pride swelled my chest every time I heard them, every time I saw people loving them. We had given something to the world and they had accepted it with open arms.

Anna’s mouth parted ever so slightly, her eyes shooting daggers towards me. I could read so many emotions, so many feelings from them. At that moment she was an open book, out there for me to interpret and understand. She wasn’t hiding and I didn’t miss anything, the perfect symbiosis.

My mind skipped time. I found myself standing not in front of the girl I loved, but in front of thousands, their heads all turned towards me, making my heart contract, skipping a beat. There were so many of them, all expecting something of me, yearning for something spectacular. I didn’t want to disappoint.

I ran my hands over the microphone, my fingers tracing the texture. The metal of it was cold, grounding my thoughts, keeping me in reality. Adrenaline was pumping through my system, making my reactions faster, enabling me to notice little details I would have missed otherwise. The sweaty hands of the girl in the front row, holding a sign. The shining eyes of another, crying quietly. The sound of thousands of voices mixing with mine, their mouths moving in tune. It was a feeling like nothing else, making my heart beat even faster. This was the reason I did what I did, made music, opened my heart to the world. It was like a drug, I needed a fix regularly. This feeling was what I lived for, what I breathed for, what I craved for.

The dream was over with the final note of Adam’s piano, screams from the crowd almost muffling it. I could breathe again, a wide smile stretching the corners of my mouth up.

“We’ve made it,” I sent a thought to Adam when he stopped next to me on the edge of the stage. He understood, his face turning towards the screaming mass, bowing. I imitated his movement, sending a kiss to the audience on my way off. I could hear a heartbeat in my ears, feel the bumping in my chest and on my neck. I patted a hand on Adam’s shoulder, getting one in return. We didn’t have to speak.

Anna rushed towards me, swinging her hands around my neck, hugging me close. I lifted her up, leaving her legs tangling in the air.

“I love you,” I mumbled into her ear.

She stiffened for a moment, but relaxed then, moving her head to gaze into my eyes. She was smiling, her eyes glistening in the dim light coming from the stage.

“I love you too.”

I already knew. I had known for a while, but it was still good to hear it. It made it real. 


	13. Heat

My hands were shaking as I opened my front door. Theo’s hand was resting on my waist again. He had been so close after what happened, constantly touching me, never braking our contact. He had told me he loved me. I was still partly sure I had dreamed it up, that it was the product of my vivid imagination. It simply didn’t seem possible. He had always been this surreal dream to me, someone very far away and untouchable. But he  _was_  here, clinging to me, like he didn’t want to let go in fear of losing me. I couldn’t even begin to describe the feeling it brought over me. Butterflies in the stomach, weak in the knees, all these other cliches didn’t even compare.

He covered my trembling hands with his in attempt to calm them down but gave up soon, taking the keys from me and opening the door himself. A wide smile spread across his face as he guided me into the house, his hand resting on my back. We had decided not to avoid my home in hope that the crazy ex had given up. We also didn’t honestly give a shit anymore.

I let my bags fall to the ground as soon as the door behind me had snapped shut. It was good to be home, it calmed me down, but it also made everything that had happened the past few days even more unbelievable. Arms snaked around my waist, a warm body pressing against my back. I felt his hot breath on my neck as his lips lingered on my skin, tickling it. I slowly walked us to the living room, Theo following me, never changing his position. I stopped in front of my phone, the light on my answering machine was glowing. Theo pressed soft kisses down my neck, distracting me as soon as I had pressed the button. I let my head fall to the side, closing my eyes, encouraging him on.

“Hi, baby! It’s your mom here. I just wanted to let you know I am coming home tomorrow. We haven’t seen each other for so long. We should catch up. I’ll be there by noon. I love you!”

My eyes snapped open and I felt Theo’s lips on my neck still. The message was dated yesterday, that meant she’d be here today, at noon. I checked the time. It was already several hours past that and she was nowhere to be seen. I got worried. Theo let go of me as I kneeled down next to the phone, dialing my mom’s number. She picked up after the third ring.

“Mom? Where are you? Are you okay?”

It wasn’t like her to be late.

“Yes, my dear. I’m fine. I just decided to stay at our cottage instead of our house. I meant to call you and tell you to meet me here but I forgot.”

I sighed and relaxed. Theo’s worried look melted into an affectionate smile.

“So are you coming to meet me here?” she asked.

I looked at Theo, thoughtful. He had no idea what we were talking about and his oblivious expression was endearing. She would love him.

“Yeah, sure. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

  
  


Ten minutes later I was roaming through my closet, trying to find something to wear. Theo was spread out over the bed, staring at the ceiling. He was fidgeting with his fingers again, like he always did when he was worried or nervous. It was clear that he wasn’t very excited about meeting my mom.

“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” I said, a little disappointed, putting down the shirt I had been examining.

It was the first time I had ever considered introducing someone to my mom, but I didn’t want to drag him there against his will. His hands stilled as he turned his head, finding me looking at him.

“No…no, I want to go,” he smiled nervously, “it just has been a while since I’ve had to impress someone, or should I say _wanted_  to impress someone.”

His fingers started to lead their own life again, binding together and breaking apart moments later, never finding the right position to stay in. He’s eyes told me he was telling the truth. A wide smile spread across my face as relief washed over me.

“ _That’s_ what you’re afraid of? Why do you always worry about such ridiculous things? I love you, so she will love you too. I promise,” I assured him.

His smile finally reached his eyes as I crawled towards the edge of the bed where his face was resting. He stared into my eyes, trapping my gaze. It didn’t cease to amaze my how the deep brown of his eyes managed to effect me every time. I smiled against his lips, never breaking our eye contact. My words came out as a mumble, muffled by his skin.

“You’re kind of cute when you worry.”

“Kind of?”

A chuckle escaped my lips before I deepened our kiss, finally letting my eyes fall shut. I felt his hands support my head, guiding it gently. I sighed before breaking free. Theo let out a displeased whine, lifting his head to catch my lips again. I stopped him with a finger, placing it between our lips, letting them so nearly touch but still keeping them apart.

“We need to go, babe. My mom has no patience whatsoever.”

  
  


We pulled into the driveway, gravel crunching under the tires. Our cottage was small, hidden deep in the forest. We rarely visited it, dropping by to clean up and keep the place from falling apart.

“Wow, this is great! I wish I had one of those,” Theo said, taking in the surroundings.

“You should really consider getting yourself a flat first. Cottages are useless for the biggest part of the year.”

“You want me out of your house so soon?” he chuckled, unclipping his seatbelt.

“You know I don’t,” I sent him a warm smile, “but we have to think of something if my mom decides to stay for longer than a few days.”

I opened my door and stepped out, slamming it shut a little too hard. I realized I was nervous too, maybe even more than Theo. I had no idea how my mom would react and what I would do if the feedback was negative. With a sigh I pushed the disturbing thoughts to the back of my mind when I saw her stepping out of the house. I glanced towards Theo who was standing on the other side of the car, a fierce battle taking place in his head.

I moved forward, meeting my mom half way and giving her a big hug. I hadn’t had the chance to think about it, but we hadn’t seen each other for a long time. I realized that I missed her even though she drove me crazy every time she was around.

“Hi, mom,” I mumbled against her neck, trying to get enough air as she was hugging me too tight.

She let me go eventually, her gaze instantly travelling over my shoulder to where Theo was standing, feeling awkward and left out, his hands clasped together.

“That’s Theo,” I said, inviting him to join us with a nod, and then whispered, “please behave.”

The corner of her mouth twitched up for a moment, ignoring my pleas.

“Hello,” Theo offered her his hand, a sly smile on his lips.

After staring for a moment, she took it.

“You look exactly like one of those musicians Annabel always drools over.”

I groaned and buried my face in my hands.  _That_  was exactly what I had meant when I told her to behave herself. Theo just laughed, clearly amused. I knew I had to tell my mom who he is, but not now, not when he was right here.

“Alright, alright. That’s enough embarrassment for one day. Let’s go inside,” I rambled, took Theo’s hand and pulled him along with me.

He took advantage of the moment, after the door closed behind us and before my mom caught up with us, wrapping his hands around me, nuzzling my neck.

“The shy Anna is back again. I kind of missed her. She isn’t as much fun, though.”

“She’ll be gone as soon as my mom is,” I giggled, shrugging away from his tickling nose.

My mom walked in a second later, resulting in Theo taking a step back and creating distance between us. I felt my cheeks burn up a little. Showing affection in front of my mom was  _not_  something I was planning on making a habit of.

“Are you kids hungry? I made dinner.”

  
  


We ate in silence at first. It was hard starting up a conversation between your mom and your boyfriend. I was in no way used to this. neither was my mom, nor Theo, it seemed.

I lifted my eyes from my plate and found Theo’s. We shared a look that seemed to last for a lifetime. The control his gaze had on me was more present than ever. I missed him, although he was sitting right across from me, I missed his touch. We hadn’t been so far apart in days. It was beginning to feel like torture.

“You are the first boyfriend Annabel has brought home, you know.”

I tared my eyes away from him, finding my mom watching us intently. Theo chuckled quietly, clearly not knowing what to say.

“I was beginning to think she was…”

“ _Mom_! You promised to behave,” I cried, pleading with my eyes.

What she was about to tell him, he would never let go. Theo looked at me over the table, his mouth pinched into a thin line, trying not to laugh. I glared back.

“I just think it’s cute…” she began.

“ _Mom!_ ”

  
  


We got through the rest of the dinner without any big revelations from my mother, I guess she got the hint. I knew I was acting like an immature teenager, but I really didn’t see why she needed to rub my inexperience into his face. I was sure my cheeks were permanently red already.

We kept exchanging glances with Theo, speaking without words, imagining the things we would do if we were alone. I longed to touch him, to kiss him, to hold him and never let go. His smoldering eyes told me he wanted the same. My chair became a prison, my mom a prison guard. My body longed for him, an electric current running through my veins. My hand started shaking, forcing me to put down my fork. Theo noticed and smiled wickedly, giving me a silent promise for tonight.

  
  


We slumped down on the couch after dinner. I gave in and sat beside Theo, our sides touching, ignoring the presence of my mom. Theo wrapped an arm around my waist, giving into the tension in the air. I felt my mother’s eyes on me, but chose to not care. I could feel him again, it was all that mattered.

“It’s getting late. You should stay the night, there’s no point in driving back at night,” my mom offered.

I could think of plenty of reasons, but kept them to myself, agreeing with her instead.

“Sure, why not.”

“Theo, you have the couch to yourself. I hope you don’t mind? I’ll bring you a blanket,” she smiled and disappeared into the next room.

“I’m so sorry,” I hissed, “she’s overprotective.”

“It’s fine. babe. She’s your mom. She has the right to be,” Theo smiled and kissed me gently, his fingers brushing my chin, “I like her. She has a fun personality.”

Mom came back, holding a big white tumble in her hands, placing it down on a chair and disappearing again.

“I love you,” I sighed, pecking his lips, “Good night”

“I love you too,” he smiled, letting me stand up as my mom returned with a pillow.

I headed upstairs to my room, hearing my mom follow me.

“So it’s pretty serious?” I heard her voice behind me, my hand stilled on my doorhandle.

She had heard Theo’s last words when walking in, it seemed. I felt a blush heating up my neck.

“I guess.”

“Please be careful.”

“Of course, mom,” I assured her and entered my room.

It was strange being back here. I used to love this place when I was little. My room looked exactly like it had since I was a kid, never changing, storing all the memories like a time capsuel. I wasn’t tired so instead of sleeping I roamed through my room, finding comfort in little things: a photo of me and my mom, a rock from the seaside, a feather from a bird that had lived on our roof years ago. It was great being back here. I promised myself I would visit again in the future.

Time flew while I was submerged in memories. When I finally checked the clock, almost an hour had passed. I was sure everyone was sleeping by now. That gave me an idea. I opened my door quietly, trying to keep the screeching of the old hinges to a minimum. It was dark in the corridor as well as downstairs. Only the moonlight coming from a small window illuminated my way, creating shadows. My bare feet made no sound on the old floorboards, the hairs on my arms stood up from the chill that radiated from them.

Where the moonlight failed me, I found my way from memory, walking blindly but confidently to my destination. I was wearing shorts and a sleeveless top that didn’t give much cover from the cold air, making me shiver.

I reached the couch. Theo was covered to the neck with a blanket, a small moonbeam lighting his face. His eyes were closed, his breathing deep. I kneeled down in front of him, reaching out my hand to caress his cheek. His lips parted, his eyelids fluttering, a deep sigh escaping his lips. He opened his eyes slowly, trying to focus his gaze.

“Anna?” he mumbled, confused.

“Yes! Who else? Now make room, I’m cold.”

My voice shook him out from his daze and he lifted his blanket, inviting me in. I crawled next to him, pressing myself hard against his chest. The warmth of his body had heated up the inside of the blanket, sealing us both in a slumber. My cool hands were pressed flat against his abdomen in attempt to warm them up. I felt goosebumps appearing on his bare skin.

“Shit, you  _are_  cold,” he hissed, wrapping his hands around my body.

I nuzzled his neck and moved up to his chin, enjoying the heat radiating from his body. He tilted his head down, catching my lips. It was the first time since coming here that we got to be properly together, without any disturbances or prying eyes. My breath hitched as our kisses heated, our mouths molding together perfectly. His hands caressed my back, slipping under my top, the blunt nails of his fingers dragging lines on my spine. I arched into him, my thigh pressing between his legs and up. That earned me a soft grunt, loud enough for me to hear but low enough for it not to reach upstairs. A familiar feeling washed over me, excitement mixed with fear. I had felt it before, in the park, and then again on the plane, the possibility of getting caught adding fuel to the fire.

My clothes were gone, discarded on the floor, already forgotten. Theo let his hands move over my body, depriving nothing of attention. He knew exactly what buttons to push and when. A soft moan escaped my lips, but was soon muffled my his mouth. We had to be quiet.

He flipped me around without any effort, hugging me close, his hands wrapped around my chest from behind. I could feel him, hard against my back. His chest was rising and falling with deep breaths as he kissed my neck, entering me with a languid thrust. My head lolled back, my neck straining. His mouth ravished my skin absentmindedly as he moved slowly, his thrusts long and deep. I could feel his teeth on my shoulder, nibbling, the slight pain turning into pleasure. My breathing was heavy. I was sure it echoed through the room so I turned my head and buried it in the pillow, biting down to keep quiet. Theo’s angle was perfect, every little movement driving me crazy. He was humming against my skin, his mouth mawling my neck. The heat radiating from our bodies had nowhere to escape, trapped under a blanket, melting us from the inside out.

My eyes were squeezed shut, my teeth aching from the force I bit down with. I could only breathe through my nose, air moving in and out in short gasps. I wanted to cry out, to shout, to scream. I wanted to let him know what he was doing to me, that he was doing everything exactly right. My hand reached back, grabbing at his hair, trying to communicate without sound. My body took over, clenching around him, shuddering from the electricity running through it. He followed me, biting down on my shoulder, muffling his grunt.

We stayed like that for a while, trying to catch our breath. We were clinging to each other, sweat pearling our skin. He was tangled up in me, I could feel him everywhere. I let go of the pillow, turning my head enough to kiss his parted lips.

“You warmed me up.”

A sleepy smile spread across his face as his muscles relaxed, his mind giving way to his dreams, his subconscious taking over.


	14. Realizing

The morning came in an instant, the way it always did during dreamless nights. It felt like no time had passed between closing my eyes and opening them again, the entire night gone past in a blink of an eye. I felt confined, my body wrapped up in unidentifiable things, pressed tightly together. It felt a little claustrophobic as my head was hidden under the thick blanket, the airflow cut off. She was tangled up in me, her warm body pressed tightly against mine, our combined heat making it hard to breathe. I shrugged my head out from under the blanket, heaving in gulps of air.

“Good morning,” came from the doorway to the kitchen.

My head snapped up, my eyes wide, my mouth wide open, breath stuck in my throat again. Anna’s mother was watching us, casually leaning against the doorway, stirring her tea. I glanced down at Anna, her sleeping face was pressed against my bare chest, her hands wrapped around my body, her expression peaceful. Her hair was tousled, though, a clear sign of our nightly escapades. My gaze returned to her mother, trying to look apologetic, failing miserably as I too was holding her daughter’s naked body against mine. Fortunately, the rough blanket covered most of it, but I was sure she wasn’t fooled.

“Good morning,” I mumbled back, still startled by the fact we had gotten caught.

Her face was unreadable. I couldn’t tell if she was angry, sad or amused, or all of the above. She had just found her daughter in bed with a man she barely knew, barely had any trust in, if at all. I wanted to tell her it was okay, that I wouldn’t steal her away from her, wouldn’t hurt her, but I couldn’t get my brain to connect with my mouth.

“Breakfast is ready,” she simply said and turned to go back to the kitchen.

“Wait…” I called quietly and waited for her to look at me, “I’m sorry.”

It was all that came out, it had to be enough. For my relief, the corners of her mouth crept up a little before she continued her journey. I let my head slump down on the pillow and closed my eyes, a deep sigh escaping my lips. Anna smoothed her cheek over my skin like a cat, nuzzling closer, oblivious about her surroundings. I pressed a kiss on her forehead, combing down her hair that was sticking out in all directions.

“Anna,” I whispered, wishing my voice to travel no further. She didn’t move a muscle. I tickled her nose, whispering her name constantly, hoping that the message would get across. She crunched up her nose, wiping her hand over it, looking adorable in the process. I couldn’t hold down a chuckle, startling her awake with the sudden noise.

“What time’s’it?” she mumbled, rubbing her eyes, stretching, my hands being the only thing that kept her from falling off the narrow couch.

“I don’t know. But your mom is awake.”

That got her attention.

“What?” she hissed, her eyes darting around the room.

“She kind of walked in on us,” I laughed nervously, “but she didn’t seem mad. At least not much.”

“Oh god…” she groaned, running a hand over her face. It was followed by a sigh as she gave up and rested her forehead against my chest, her hands caressing my sides lightly, making the hairs on my arms stand up.

“It’s really hot in here,” she mumbled.

“It’s boiling. And your mom said breakfast is ready,” I pointed out.

“Oh, so you guys just had a casual chat while I was sleeping in your arms? That’s…kind of disturbing.”

“Believe me, there was nothing casual about it,” I chuckled, “now let’s get dressed. We don’t want her to come back here.”

She nodded, reaching behind to collect her clothes from the floor where she had discarded them the night before. I sat up with her, trying to remember where I had put my trousers. Everything was a blur. I found them on the chair next to the couch, forced to stand up, completely naked. The mental picture of Anna’s mom walking in at that moment was carved into my mind, inspiring me to work faster. Anna laughed at me when one of my feet got stuck in my belt and I nearly fell over. I huffed at the absurdity of the situation, my lips twisting into a wide grin as I threw one of my socks at the laughing girl in front of me.

  
  


I followed Anna to the kitchen as soon as we felt presentable enough. The smell of bacon made my stomach grumble.

“Morning!” her cheerful voice echoed through the little room.

We sat down, side by side this time. I just stared, not knowing whether I should say something or not. Thankfully my mouth soon had something better to do as I distracted myself by shoving food down my throat.

“So did you sleep well?” her mother asked, causing me to choke on a piece of toast.

“Oh mom stop it! Not everyone gets your sense of humor.” Anna growled, her ears turning pinker by the second.

“What? It was funny!” she seemed genuinely surprised, “Anyways, what will we do today?”

Anna looked at me, waiting for an answer.

“I need to get back to the city. We have an interview today,” I shrugged. I didn’t want to leave her.

“An interview? What kind?” her mother was curious.

Anna sighed, answering for me.

“He’s in a band, mom.”

“A band? So…”

“Yes he actually  _is_  one of the musicians I always drool over,” she blurted out.

“How old are you?” she narrowed her eyes.

“24,” I answered hesitantly, hoping it would satisfy her.

“Is your bandmate single?”

That question surprised me so much that I burst out laughing, remembering how Adam always talked about liking older women.

“In fact he is! Would you like his number?”

  
  


She didn’t accept it after all, only chuckling at my offer. The tension had been sucked out of the room in a heartbeat, leaving the atmosphere light and friendly. The time to leave came way too quickly.

“I’ll walk you out,” Anna said and went exited the front door as I grabbed my jacket.

“Theo…” a quiet voice called my name, “thank you.”

I turned to find Anna’s mom standing in the doorway.

“For what?”

“For being there for her. For making her happy. I haven’t heard her laugh that much for a long time.”

I smiled back at her.

“She makes me happy too.”

“Just…don’t hurt her.”

“I would never,” I assured her and followed Anna out, finding her already waiting for me next to the car.

I smiled dorkily while closing in on her, resting my hands on her hips.

“What took you so long?” she asked, probably already guessing the answer.

“Nothing. Your mom really loves you.”

A little smile appeared on her face, her eyes stayed sad, though.

“I don’t want you to go,” she mumbled, looking up at me while sliding her hands behind my neck.

I kissed her gently, letting her know I didn’t want to leave either. It actually frightened me how much I wanted to stay.

“I love you,” I muttered against her lips.

“ ‘Love you too,” she sighed, kissing me for the last time and hugging me close, her face hidden in my neck. I let my hands caress her hair, breathing in the cent of her shampoo, remembering it.

  
  


The drive back to the city felt somehow longer than before. When I eventually pulled up in front of Adam’s house, he was already waiting, sunglasses hiding his tired face.

“You look like you had a wild night, mate. What did you do?” I asked when he opened the door to climb in.

“I wish! I think the jetlag is finally catching up to me,” he groaned, trying to smooth down his ruffled hair.

“So how was your night? Lots of making up for the celibacy on the tour?” he laughed cheekily.

Usually I didn’t like talking about those things, but with Adam we had always been close, able to tell each other everything.

“Not  _exactly_. Anna’s mother is in town,” I said, taking off and heading to the direction of the interview.

“Shit. Did you meet her?”

“Yeah. She’s cool. At least she didn’t throw me out when she walked in on us this morning…” I chuckled.

Adam laughed, staring at me incredulously.

“Seriously? You  _did it_ with her in the house? You guys are like rabbits!”

“Oh shut it!” I huffed, unable to hold down a smile, “plus we weren’t  _doing it_  when she walked in. We were just sleeping….without clothes on.”

Adam laughed loudly, clearly amused about our misfortune.

“I mean, I don’t know what it is. We can’t keep our hands off each other. It’s strange, terrifying even. I miss her although I just left her,” I mumbled, words spilling from my mouth involuntarily, “I’ve never been like this before. I’m scared.”

“Wow, mate. You’re totally smitten, aren’t you? Now all you have to do is tell her you love her and you’re  _done_.”

I snickered on my seat uncomfortably, keeping my eyes on the road.

“Oh my god! You  _told_  her? Wow…I mean, I’m happy for you, mate, I really am. But don’t you think it’s moving a bit too fast? You have always been a hopeless romantic, maybe you’re overthinking it?” he seemed genuinely concerned for me. I felt my heart contract, he really was my best friend.

“I’m not thinking at all, to be honest. That’s kind of the problem…” I sighed, staring straight ahead.

When no answer came, I glanced towards Adam, finding him looking at me, a strange smile on his face.

“What?” I cried.

“Nothing. I’ve just never seen you like this. It’s nice.”

I stared back.

“We don’t have to hug or something, do we?” I smiled, trying to resolve the awkward situation. This car ride had become a real heart-to-heart all of a sudden. I didn’t like it, I wasn’t used to it. Neither was Adam, so we just changed the subject, both glad it was over.

“Anna’s mom asked me if you were single,” I chuckled when we turned into the parking lot.

“Is she hot?” Adam laughed and unbuckled his seatbelt.

  
  


The interview went smoothly. We cracked jokes more than usually, inspired by our cheerful mood and the fact that the interviewer was British. People usually looked at us like we were mental in every other country in the world whenever we brought out the British humour. It also struck me that most of the interviews we had been to were carried out by women.

“You should totally ask her out,” I whispered to Adam afterwards, when we had a minute to ourselves, “she’s quite beautiful.”

“I’m not that desperate,” Adam growled at me.

“Why desperate? She’s bloody hot! You need to get out more.”

“Oh, oh, so now that you have a girlfriend, you’re suddenly the expert?” he mumbled, eyeing the girl who was walking back to us.

“No, just not as hopeless as you…”

  
  


Adam took my advice after all and asked for her number, making the girl giggle. I had no idea why he never took advantage of women throwing themselves at him. Sometimes I wondered if he even noticed.

I checked my Blackberry while waiting for him to finish chatting her up. The little flag on my calendar caught my attention.

“Adam! I need your help,” I called out.

He came over to me, thinking something terrible had happened.

“What?”

“Anna’s birthday is tomorrow, and I forgot! You’re gonna help me throw her a party.”


	15. Relief

My mom was a good driver. She had to be to survive in the madness that was London traffic. I never understood why people drove like that: speeding, cutting corners, nearly killing somebody on a regular basis. I didn’t have a driving licence, had never needed one, never even wanted one. Right now, though, I wished I had my own car so I could escape my mother’s prying questions. She wanted to know everything: where and how we met, what he was like, what had we been doing since we were together. I told her, leaving out the juicy details. I couldn’t possibly tell her how we really met, shagging on the floor of their tourbus. My mom wasn’t naive, but I was sure she preferred to think her little girl was still innocent.

“What will he do for your birthday? You’re 20 now, all grown up,” she mumbled the last part, her voice a little distant.

“I don’t know. I’m not even sure he know it’s my birthday today. I only mentioned it once in a conversation, a while ago..”

I realized I didn’t expect Theo to remember, but still wished he did.

“Maybe you should remind him,” mom offered.

“No, no, let it be,” I mumbled. I was not going to be the pushy girlfriend, demanding presents.

The high-pitched ringing of my mother’s cellphone filled the tiny space, making my ears hurt. Mom’s expression showed puzzlement when she checked the display before picking up. I stared out the window, happy to escape the examination. Theo hadn’t called me whole day. Last time we spoke was the night before. He had apologized and said he had something important to take care of, band-business probably, telling me I should stay with my mom, I had slept alone for the first time since he showed up on my doorstep, dripping wet. The bed had felt cold and empty without his body heating it up. I remembered how his hands were always warm, his touches delicate and lingering. I felt my face heat up, hoping my mom didn’t notice. She ended the call, a smile on her lips.

“What was that all about?” I asked, not really interested.

“Nothing. It was my friend, from work. One of our projects was successful.”

The explanation was simple, but something in her expression kept me wandering. There was something she wasn’t telling me.

“We’re going home, I want to change my clothes. And then I thought we could go to this lovely cafeteria, eat some cake, celebrate. I’ve missed going there. London is grand and all, but nothing beats home.”

I agreed silently. It was my birthday, although it didn’t feel like it at the moment, and birthdays were meant to be celebrated with family.

  
  


I slumped down on the couch while mom was upstairs, going through her closet. I closed my eyes, feeling strangely tired. A tumble of clothes falling on my face woke me up from my reverie.

“Put those on. We’re celebrating  _you_  tonight, you need to look good,” mom chuckled.

She was wearing a skirt, rare for my mother.

“It’s a cafeteria! Why dress up?” I whined.

“Why need a reason?” she mimicked my voice, “now do it! It’s getting late.”

I frowned at her, but gave in. I didn’t have the energy to argue with her, knowing I would loose anyway. I looked at the clothes she had picked for me. They were nice, nothing too sexy, but nothing too plain either. She had a good sense of style, I had to admit.

  
  


We pulled up in front of an old coffee-shop. I didn’t recall ever visiting this place, ever hearing my mom mentioning it either. I couldn’t see much through the big windows as the inside was dimly lit. I followed her in, dragging my legs behind me. I looked around the room for a moment, confused, as the door flung shut behind me. There was no one there, not even someone to sell the coffee.

“Surprise!” echoed through the room as people appeared, the small space suddenly packed with smiling faces. My heart skipped a beat and I felt my face was stuck in a grimace, too baffled to compose it. I stared in awe as people came to congratulate me, everyone amused by my startled look. My eyes found the face I had longed to see the most. Theo.

He was standing still, his hands clasped together, his eyes on me, lips curled into a wide grin. Adam was right next to him, his gaze moving from me to Theo and back again, his expression unreadable. I made my way through the crowd, receiving “happy birthdays”, shaking hands and giving hugs. All my friends seemed to be there, everyone I cared about.

Adam came up to me, congratulating me and pulling me into a bear-hug, crushing the air out of my lungs. I laughed breathlessly, trying to escape.

“Adam,” I choked out.

“Oh, sorry,” he chuckled and let me go.

“Are you trying to hug me to death?” I laughed, “You can’t hug girls like you hug Theo.”

“Why would I ever hug Theo?” he made a serious face, but burst out laughing a moment later.

“Enough, enough. Give me my woman back,” Theo cut in, nudging Adam away gently.

He took me into a warm embrace, his face buried in my hair. He breathed in, letting the air out with a deep sigh.

“I missed you,” he murmured.

“I missed you too.”

“Happy birthday,” he chuckled, loosening his grip on me enough to look me in the eye.

“A surprise party? Really?” I scowled.

“You should have seen your face. It was brilliant!” Theo huffed, his shoulders shaking from contained laughter.

That earned him a playful punch to the chest, making him laugh even more.

“So that’s what you had to take care of?” I asked.

“Among other things, yes. It was hard finding all your friends. Luckily your mom was easier to get aboard.”

“It was you! The one who called this morning. You sneaky bastard!” I huffed, leaning in to steal a kiss. It seemed like forever since I had felt his lips on mine. They fit together perfectly, molding into each other with ease. My hands knotted in his shirt, pulling him closer.

“Khmm..”

The noise startled us, breaking apart and looking around, trying to grasp the surroundings. My mom was standing next to us.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she chuckled, seeing my ears turning red, “can I wish you happy birthday now?”

“Of course,” Theo mumbled, letting go of my waist immediately.

“You teamed up with him!” I accused while hugging her.

“Oh, don’t start with me! Watching you mope cause you thought he had forgotten was punishment enough.”

“You thought I forgot?” Theo yelped, “who do you think I am? Adam?”

“Isn’t he the one always remembering dates?” I asked suspiciously.

“You think he really remembers that the last time he puked was in 1999? He just picks a random number. Once he even forgot his own birthday.”

“Hey!” Adam growled and punched him in the arm like I had seen him do several times before. I could only imagine they weren’t little playful kicks like the ones I gave him, but Theo never flinched. I loved seeing them banter, like brothers.

  
  


I glanced around the room, taking in the chaos. My friends seemed to be having fun, drinking, mingling, dancing to the music that was now filling the air. There was a small stage pressed up against the back wall.

“What’s that for?” I asked.

Theo looked the way I was pointing, his grin widening.

“I think it’s time I gave you my present. We worked on it whole night, but it’s not perfect yet, so bare with me,” he said, gave me a kiss and followed Adam who had already headed towards his guitar. People were staring as they went, the conversations gradually dying. Adam sat down, guitar on his lap, while Theo took his place behind the microphone. I gaped, my legs carrying me forward until I stood only a few feet away from him.

Adam started moving his fingers over the strings, releasing a familiar melody, the tune Theo constantly hummed, turned into something spectacular. It was beautiful, fluid, perfect in every way. Theo grasped the microphone with both hands, looking straight at me, his eyes locked with mine. There was no question to whom this song was meant for. He opened his mouth, his voice released from its cage, mixing with the music. They didn’t seem as words, rather than an extension of the melody. I felt the message rather than heard it. My heart was pumping fast, everything else falling to the background. There was just me and him, time standing still. The high notes ravished my brain while the low ones calmed it down again. Waves of emotions crashed over me, a whimper escaping my lips, immediately swallowed up by the sound. I felt a single tear roll down my face. It was beautiful, perfect, the best present he could have given me. Theo’s eyes never left mine. There was no extravagant moves, none were needed. He wasn’t performing, he was just singing, singing to me.

When it was over, I was left standing, my ears numb. I couldn’t hear people clapping and cheering behind me as they surely where. Theo stepped down from the stage and made his way to me, beaming with delight.

“Happy birthday, babe,” he said, giving me a lingering kiss.

I didn’t answer, still speechless, staring up at him wide-eyed.

“Are you okay?” he asked, taking my face between his hands, kissing away the new tear running down my cheek.

“I’m fine,” I finally found my voice, smiling widely, “you were brilliant. It was that song, the one you hummed on our first night together.”

“It was your song, always will be. I’m not giving it away to the public.”

“But it’s so good. What does Adam think of it?”

“He’s perfectly fine with it,” he smiled, sliding a hand around my shoulders and guiding me back to reality.

  
  


The party took off after that, everyone coming to life. Music playing, drinks pouring, room filling with laughter. We were holding hands with him the whole time, openly sharing our affection. Sarah and Katy expressed their jealousy, saying I was the luckiest girl in the world. I didn’t deny it.

Theo pulled me into a dark corner when no one was looking, his mouth instantly finding mine, his hands roaming through my hair. He moaned against my mouth before pulling away.

“Fuck…I missed you so much.”

The drinks we both had consumed were making our movements sloppy and erratic, both too high on each other to care. He lifted me up against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist, my mouth devouring his.

“This feels familiar,” I chuckled, referring to the adventures we had in the park.

“You have too many clothes on for that,” he murmured between kisses.

“That can be arranged,” I offered.

He pulled me with him, out through the back door where the car was parked. We jumped in, getting straight back to where we had left off. I was sitting in is lap, my legs on either side of his hips. His hands were caressing my thighs, getting lost on my ass every now and then. His mouth was on me, kissing my lips, my neck, my collarbone. My hands knotted in his hair, messing up the perfectly composed do. My shirt was gone, discarded and forgotten, his warm hands exploring, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps. I moved my hips slightly, receiving a hiss from Theo. I reached down and opened his belt, my chest heaving.

“Get them off,” I ordered, making fast work of my own clothes. We were in a hurry. Not because we needed to get back to the party, we couldn’t care less, but purely because of our need for each other. I kissed his now bare chest, trailing down, doing something I had never done before.

“Holy shit!” he hissed, his head crashing back against the seat, his hands knotting in my hair. His legs twitched, his muscles contracting involuntarily.

“Stop, stop…you’ll make me useless,” he groaned, pulling me up and onto his lap.

“You’re full of surprises, aren’t you,” he chuckled, lowering me, breaching my body.

I smiled wickedly, lifting myself up again. Theo grunted, his teeth baring, his nose crunching. His hips buckled up to meet me, agreeing on the pace I had set. His eyes, dark and wild, were roaming over my body, followed by his hand. The tiny space was filled with sighs, both mine and his. My breath came in short huffs, my eyes falling shut. Theo pulled me into a crashing kiss, bruising my lips, our tongues meeting in an extravagant dance. I moaned loudly, breaking free and wrapping my hands around his neck, hugging him close, moving only my hips. I could feel a wave rising in the pit of my stomach, eliciting a gasp. Theo bit down on my neck, muffling his growl, surely leaving a mark. My body shook on short shudders as wave after wave crashed over me.

We sat still for a while, our chests heaving in unison, my pulse beating in my temples, making it hard to hear anything else. The windows were misty, the heat on the inside colliding with the chill on the outside, hiding us behind a white wall.

“I can’t believe we snuck out again,” I mumbled.

“I’m not complaining.”


	16. Mistakes Pt.1

A tap on the glass startled us out of our slumber. The windows were still steamed up, making it impossible to see who the disturber was. Theo’s arms were wrapped around my fully-clothed body from behind as I was sitting on his lap, my head resting next to his. We had decided to make ourselves decent exactly for this: the possibility of someone walking in on us naked seeming too terrifying. Theo reached out to wind the window down. Adam’s wrinkled brow came gradually into view, the steamy glass disappearing with a buzz.

“ _Please_  tell me you didn’t do it on the back seat of my dad’s car!” Adam whined.

Theo just chuckled back, not denying anything. Adam groaned, understanding the silence perfectly.

“You will take it to the carwash tomorrow. And you’re paying,” he scowled at Theo, opening the car door, “ now, you need to come inside. It’s time for the cake.”

I found myself wondering how long we had been missing. Who else had noticed we were gone? I crawled off Theo’s lap and out of the car, straightening my clothes.

“Your skirt is on backwards,” Theo whispered in my ear, tugging at it to make things right.

Adam was already walking back towards the party, either oblivious about our little conversation or pretending not to hear.

  
  


The room looked exactly like it had before we snuck out: people drinking, laughing and dancing. Theo knew how to throw a party, there was no question about it. The cake was on the table in the middle of the room, my mom standing next to it, a long knife in her hand.

“She looks dangerous…” Theo muttered, managing a smile as we approached her.

“Where were you, kids?” she asked.

“Just out back, talking,” I answered truthfully, simply leaving some details out.

Adam made a choking sound, trying to cover up his laugh with a cough that transformed into a whine when Theo deliberately stepped on his foot.

“Are you okay, dear?”mom asked Adam, talking to him like he was 12 years old.

“I’m fine, thanks,” Adam confirmed, teary-eyed.

“Do I have to make a wish?” I asked, referring to the 20 flaming candles on the cake, trying to steer the topic of our conversation elsewhere.

“Of course!” Theo exclaimed, nudging me forward.

  
  


“You know what I wished for?” I asked him later.

We were sitting by the bar, facing each other, our knees slightly touching.

“No,” Theo mumbled after swallowing another mouthful of cake.

“At first I couldn’t think of anything. It seems I have everything I’ve ever wanted. So I just wished for it to last-”

Theo’s finger stopped me mid-sentence.

“Anna!” he whined, “ you’re  _not_  supposed to tell anyone! Otherwise it will never come true.”

I pulled his hand away, keeping it in mine.

“I don’t believe in superstitions,” I muttered before leaning in to steal a kiss.

“I do! What if you just single-handedly destroyed our future?” Theo exclaimed, his eyes wide.

His fear was endearing. I raised my hand to smooth over his cheek, smiling reassuringly.

“We’ll be  _fine_ , babe!” I said, kissing him again.

Theo sighed against my mouth, closing his eyes. I could taste the sweetness of the cake on his lips.

“Can you two give it a rest?” Adam’s laugh rang in my ears.

We pulled away, scowling at him.

“After we get out of here, we’re going to the pub. I invited Vicky.”

“Vicky? I asked.

“The interviewer? Well done, mate!” Theo patted Adam on the shoulder, “I was sure you were going to chicken out, to be honest.”

“Can someone tell me what’s going on?” I demanded, not happy about being out of the loop.

“Adam has a  _date_ ,” Theo announced, letting the last ‘t’ ring out longer than necessary.

He could tease Adam as much as he wanted to, but I could tell he was proud of him.

“So when are we going?” Adam asked.

“We can’t drag the birthday-girl away from her own party! Wait a while. Vicky won’t go anywhere…” he teased, receiving another signature punch from Adam.

  
  


The three of us were throttling towards the pub two hours later.

“I  _do not_  feel comfortable sitting here!” Adam called from the back seat.

“It’s not like we…spilled anything,” Theo laughed,

“Theo!” I yelped in tune with Adam, slapping him in the shoulder, “you’re gross!”.

“What? And why am I always your punching bag?  _Both_  of yours?” he puzzled.

“Your girlfriend beats you up?” Adam chuckled, “there’s something worth telling on the next interview…”

“Oh shut it,” Theo frowned, parking the car in front of the pub.

“Give me the keys,” I asked as soon as the motor cut out.

“Why?” Theo asked, bewildered.

“Don’t try to tell me you won’t drink tonight.”

“I already drank back at your party,” he spoke slowly.

“I know. But you weren’t  _that_ drunk. Otherwise I would’ve insisted on walking. Now give them to me.”

We stared ar each other, a fierce but silent battle taking affect.

“Fine,” he said, dropping the keys on my outstretched palm. I smiled, pleased with myself.

“Now we know who wears the pants in this relationship,” Adam muttered, barely audible.

  
  


Vicky was pretty and polite, wishing me happy birthday after she found out I had just turned 20. We sat down, drank and had fun. Adam seemed to eat her up with his eyes, laughing at every little thing she said. It was adorable, in a dorky way.

Theo’s pocket started buzzing. He took out his Blackberry and frowned at the screen, pushing the “decline” button and resting the phone down on the table. I didn’t have the chance to ask who he was ignoring before his phone came to life again, a picture of a woman appearing. I saw Adam’s brows frown up, looking at the picture. Theo reached out and took the phone, accepting the call this time.

“I thought I asked you not to call me anymore,” he mumbled, clearly not happy that he had an audience.

A sharp, high-pitched voice answered, too quiet for me to understand the words.

“What do you want?” Theo asked, not too politely.

The voice on the phone changed, started shaking, went louder and then quieted down again. Theo closed his eyes, sighing.

“Calm down..” he was cut off by the woman’s rant again.

“Calm…listen to me!”

But she didn’t listen. Theo pressed his fingers to the top of his nose, like he felt a headache coming on.

“Okay..okay..where are you?”

I saw Adam drag his hand over his face, a sign of giving up.

“Fine, I’ll be there. Just don’t do anything stupid.” Theo said and put down his phone, sighing again.

“Why do you do his to yourself, mate? You  _know_  she’s manipulating you. Why do you keep falling for it?” Adam demanded, staring at him angrily.

I felt like I didn’t understand anything. Vicky’s face expressed a similar state of mind.

“What do you want me to do? Just leave her to her insanity? I don’t want to end up feeling guilty if something happens.”

“What’s going on?” I finally raised my voice. Theo was quiet, staring like he just noticed I was sitting next to him.

“Theo is going to meet his ex,” Adam growled.

“Why do you care, mate? Why are you so angry at me?” Theo demanded, starting to get mad.

“’Cause I don’t want to see you get hurt!” Adam breathed heavily.

My eyes darted between them, confused about what was happening. I had never seen them yell at each other, not in real anger anyway.

“Your ex?” I asked, Adam’s words finally sinking in, “The  _crazy_  ex? The one who drove us out of my house?”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Yes,  _that_  ex. She’s mental, threatening to hurt herself. I can’t just leave her to her faith,” Theo mumbled.

“Yes you can!” Adam insisted, “She is always threatening to do something but she never does! You’re just too naive to see that!”

“I have to go,” Theo mumbled again.

“Are you serious?” I asked, my eyes wide.

“Anna…you have to understand.”

“I understand perfectly. You’re taking off to meet a crazy woman who is obsessed with you! What could _possibly_  go wrong?” I said ironically.

“Anna…” Theo seemed alarmed.

“Don’t. Just don’t. Not tonight,” I muttered and took off, striding towards the exit.

  
  


***

I stared blankly towards the direction Anna had disappeared moments ago. What had just happened?

“Are you happy now?” Adam asked, frowning at me.

“Why did she storm off? I didn’t  _do_  anything” I whined, knowing it was a lie.

“You didn’t do anything? You were going to take off in the middle of the night to meet a woman you used to share a bed with, leaving your girlfriend behind who, by the way, has her birthday today,” Adam stared at me incredulously.

His words hit home.

Oh shit! I’m an asshole…” I groaned.

“Go after her, mate!” Adam encouraged, the hostility gone from his voice.

“I hesitated, only for a second.

“Thanks,” I mumbled and took off after her.

  
  


The street was empty, there was no one in sight. I looked at the car parked in front of the pub, remembering that the keys had left with Anna, rendering the vehicle useless. I headed towards the general direction of her house, hoping she went home.

Why was this happening to us? The night had started out so perfectly…I remembered Anna’s face when I sang to her, the love that had been in her eyes. I wanted to see that again, hear her say she loved me. Right now, all I could see was her hurt expression as she stormed off, leaving me behind. I was afraid I had ruined it for good.

“That bloody birthday cake,” I muttered to myself, “Why did you tell me what you wished for, babe?”

I stormed through the streets, staring at every poor soul who happened to cross my way. None of them were her. I started to feel hopeless. I lowered my head, hooking my fingers behind my neck, dragging my feet slowly along. I saw a glint of light from the corner of my eye, demanding my attention. I lifted my head, staring blankly. A car was racing towards me at full blast, the headlights gleaming like hellfire. It didn’t stop.


	17. Mistakes Pt.2

“There’s been an accident.”

Adam’s voice echoed through my phone, the words not quite hitting home.

“What? What do you mean?”

“Theo’s in the hospital,” Adam explained.

I stopped in my tracks. I’d been roaming the streets after leaving the pub, thinking how immaturely I had acted, storming off like that. I could understand why Theo had acted the way he had, but it still hurt. I wanted to punish him, but it had felt stupid the moment the door had closed behind me.

Now Adam was telling me Theo had gotten hurt, hit by a car while running after me. I felt guilty, but it was buried under the vast amount of worry that was suffocating me.

“Where? Which hospital?”

I took off, following Adam’s instructions. I felt like crying, but my eyes stayed dry, the tears vaporized by the wind as I was running. Endless scenarios ran through my head, one worse than the other. Adam hadn’t told me much, as he himself was in the dark, so my imagination was working overtime, turning my mind into a nightmare.

  
  


I ran through the front doors of the hospital, almost bumping into Adam who was waiting for me, ready to show the way.

“Any change?” I asked, my voice shaking.

“Not really. He’s unconscious but the doctors think he’ll be fine. A few bumps and bruises, nothing broken. I bet he will wake up with a killer headache, though,” Adam chuckled, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. He tried to be positive, to convince me or himself, I wasn’t sure. Maybe both.

“Can we see him?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think so. It’s an open wing,” he shrugged.

We walked through the wide open doors, no one stopped us. Encouraged, we moved on, checking the beds, trying to find a familiar face.

He was tucked away on the very last bed in the room, the privacy curtains surrounding it half open. I gasped when I saw him. His head was wrapped in white, one side of his otherwise perfect nose scratched and reddened, his body lifeless. His eyes were closed, like he was just sleeping, only the peeping machines attached to him indicating something different. I glanced at Adam, his expression puzzling me. His mouth was pressed in a tight line, a flicker of anger in his eyes.

I sat down on a chair next to the bed, only inches away from Theo’s hand. I reached out, lacing my fingers through his, my other hand lightly gripping his upper arm. His always warm hands were now cold, that startled me more than seeing him confined to a bed. His lean fingers seemed thinner than usual, more fragile, but that might’ve been me overthinking it again.

“Theo?” I whispered his name. Nothing happened. I glanced at Adam who was standing at the foot of the bed, his face blank.

“Theo,” I said a little louder, not giving up. His eyes started moving behind his eyelids, his lashes fluttering. His hand clamped down on mine, squeezing until I was afraid he was gonna break something.

“Theo!” I yelped, trying to free my hand.

His eyes shot open, a gasp escaping his lips. His eyes wandered for a moment until they focused on me. Seeing me struggle, he eased his hold on my fingers, his expression apologetic.

“Crap, sorry…”

He grunted, raising his other hand to his head. I noticed his knuckles were scraped, like they had been dragged over the road.

“Oh my god,” he moaned, “I feel like my brain is splattered on the windshield of some truck or something.”

“Maybe it is,” Adam finally spoke, “do you remember anything?”

“Just bright lights. Maybe I was abducted by aliens?” Theo chuckled, regretting it soon after as the vibrations ran through his aching head. Adam wasn’t smiling.

“How does this  _always_  happen to you?” he asked, his eyes narrowing, “you’re _always_  hurt, banged up, thrown down the stairs…” he paused, finishing with a mutter, “glassed in the face.”

“Is  _that_  what it’s about? The reason you’re mad at me?” he gaped at his best friend.

“I’m not mad at you!” he exclaimed, “I’m just…tired of always worrying about you.”

Both guys stared at each other in silence, then the corner of Theo’s mouth crept up.

“I love you too, mate.”

Adam shrugged, clearly uncomfortable.

“I’m gonna get some coffee. You want one?” he asked and walked out, not waiting for the answer. A wide smile lit up Theo’s face as he watched him go.

“That was sweet,” I muttered, pressing my lips to his fingers that were still laced with mine. I could feel them warming up a little. He turned his head, finally looking at me, his eyes sad.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, babe…” he mumbled, his free hand cupping my face.

I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes.

“It’s okay,” I sighed, “I can’t even remember why I was mad at you in the first place. I should be the one to apologize.”

“You? How come?” he asked, puzzled.

“If I hadn’t stormed out, you would’ve never had to come after me, you would’ve never gotten hit. It’s all my fault,” I cried, my eyes finally giving way to the tears that had been close to falling since I left him at the pub. A sharp sob clamped my throat shut and I lowered my head to the edge of the bed.

“Anna! Stop! It wasn’t your fault. I’m just incredibly absentminded. I couldn’t see the car before it was too late. You did  _nothing_! Please don’t cry…” he begged. Men never knew what to do when women cried, Theo was no exception.

I took a deep breath, trying to control my emotions but failed miserably as a new wave of tears ran down my face.

“Come here…” Theo whispered, holding out his hands, inviting me in.

I gaped at him, teary-eyed, but gave in and crawled on the bed next to him. His arms immediately pulled me into a warm hug, his cheek resting on my head as I sobbed against his chest.

“I love you,” I said with a shaking sigh, tightening my grip on his body.

“I love you too, babe,” he muttered calmly in my ear and planted kiss on my forehead.

How had it come to this? The one hurt trying to calm the one who caused it? My tears dried out gradually, my chest still shaking. I looked up, my eyes meeting with the deep brown of his.

“I’m sorry,” I said again.

“Stop apologizing for something you didn’t do!” he said, brushing my hair away from my face.

“No…not that. I’m sorry for being such a girl.”

Theo laughed loudly, the thrill of his voice bouncing off the cold while wall.

“But you  _are_  a girl!” he chuckled, “I’m glad you finally showed me some vulnerability. You’re always so grounded and down to earth. I felt like I was the more emotional one in this relationship.”

He wiped away a run-away tear that ran down mu cheek.

“I just hide it well,” I shrugged, resting my head on his chest again.

“Please don’t. I want you to be yourself around me.”

“Okay,” I agreed with a sigh, “but in that case…I have a poster of you in my closet.”

“What?!” Theo’s laugh echoed through the room, “you’re brilliant, babe.”

His body was shaking from trying to hold back another wave of laughter when the curtain was swept aside.

“Keep it down! I heard your voice all the way to the elevator,” Adam whispered frantically. He was holding a steaming coffee cup in his hands.

“Sorry…” Theo huffed, his eyes watery, “Anna is hilarious.”

“Good you’re having fun. Bad news, though. You need to stay here over night. The nurses want to run some tests on you in the morning.”

Theo groaned, clearly not excited about the aspect.

“But I don’t want to stay here alone! I can remember what it’s like, you know…” he mumbled.

Adam nodded, understanding.

“Can’t you guys stay with me?” he asked, hope in his eyes.

“Sorry, mate. No visitors at night. I can’t fit under that blanket of your either,” Adam chuckled.

“But Anna can!” Theo’s face lit up, “fit under the blanket, I mean. I will hide you if the nurses come lurking. What do you think?”

He was so excited, his face beaming like a little kid’s. How could I have said no to _that_? I smiled, tilting my head up, begging for a kiss.

“Fine, I’ll stay if you’re scared.”

Adam laughed, setting off.

“I will come back in the morning, kids.  _Behave_!”


	18. Memories

It felt like I was back where I had started years ago, in the same hospital, the same situation. And yet, it was different,  _I_  was different. I had come a long way from the punk I had been to a man, no longer interested in chasing the quickest high, no longer destructive.

There was no one to blame for what happened this time, not me, not Adam, not Anna, not even the driver. It was all a silly joke the Universe had played on me, nothing else. This time was different, everything was different.

Anna’s head was resting on my shoulder, her face turned to me, her eyes locked on mine. We had stared at each other for a long time, no words needed. Both were thinking their own thoughts, not bothered by the silence. We had somehow become closer through all this, more comfortable with each other. Her warm breath on my neck reminded me I wasn’t alone this time. Another thing that had changed.

I had never admitted it to anyone, not even Adam, but the first accident had changed me, I suspected it played a big part in my journey from Daggers to Hurts, one being mental and reckless, the other conservative and calm. Yes, we liked to party, but we always came out with our heads screwed on straight, conscious about the fact that we had a future, no longer living simply in the moment. The time after I had gotten hit with the bottle, the time I was on the ground, it had felt awful. It had felt like dying.

The time in the hospital was a blur, but I could remember how it felt, my emotions, my fears. I had been terrified, scared about what had happened, what was currently in motion and what was yet to come.

I wasn’t this time. She was here with me, her body keeping me warm, her heartbeat moving against my side. I let my fingers trail patterns on her skin as I watched her.

  
  


I leaned in, capturing her lips with a sigh. Our kisses were lazy, our mouths moving against each other slowly. We weren’t in a hurry, we had nowhere else to be, nowhere else we wanted to be. The hospital fell away, only the two of us remained, our kisses, our touches, two hearts beating together. I could no longer hear the machines.

Her hand smoothed across my cheek, lowering to my neck. I could feel her sigh against my mouth, as lost in the moment as I was. My hand clamped down on her side, pulling her closer. I couldn’t feel the sting in my head, couldn’t care less. I let my hand wander lower, to her knee, and hiked her leg over my hip, receiving a gasp as she pulled away.

“We can’t,” she breathed heavily, her face only inches from mine. Her eyes were roaming over my face, from my lips to my eyes and back again.

“Yes, we can…” I whispered, kissing her again.

“But…you’re hurt…”

“The parts of my body needed for  _this_  are in perfect working condition,” I chuckled against her mouth, biting her lip playfully.

“I can feel that,” she groaned, giving in, devouring my mouth.

Our kisses became more forceful, more desperate. I could tell her control was slipping, the way mine already had. I pulled her on top of me, her weight resting entirely on my body. My hand knotted in her hair, the other resting on her thigh. She moved her hips, eliciting a low groan from me, that was instantly muffled by her mouth.

“Quiet!” she hissed, “there are other people here, trying to sleep…”

“Then stop doing _that_ ,” I growled, my hands flying to her hips to still them.

“The way we’re going, I’m gonna do a lot more that  _that_ ,” she murmured in my ear, repeating her movement to make her point. I swallowed a groan, squeezing my eyes shut in concentration.

“Are you trying to kill me?” I breathed.

“Nope,” she mouthed between kisses, “you’re doing a thorough job of it on your own.”

I chuckled, happy that she could finally joke about the situation.

I let my hand slide under her skirt, hooking a finger under her panties, dragging them down slowly. They had come off once already today, I remembered. Adam was right, we really  _were_  like rabbits in heat.

“What?” she mumbled, fumbling with my hospital gown.

“Nothing,” I said and planted kisses in her jaw, moving down to her neck.

She lowered herself, forcing me to swallow a moan. I wanted to rip the rest of her clothes off, to see her, to pick her up and break down all the boundaries. But I couldn’t. Yet again we found ourselves in a situation where we had to control every single movement, every single sound, unable to truly let go. She moved slowly, lazily even, the way our kisses had started, not raising herself rather than simply rolling her hips. Her hands were resting on my stomach, her nails clawing into my skin every once in a while, when keeping quiet became too hard. She was strong, though, stronger than I was, only letting little sighs escape. Our eyes were locked, blue on brown, ice meeting fire.

Her pace was torturous, for both of us it seemed as her eyes grew more and more desperate. I thrust up a little, her nails instantly digging into mu flesh. I repeated the action, pleased with the response I got. Her breathing got heavier, she was now almost as loud as I was. I remembered where we were, biting down on my tongue to keep quiet. It didn’t help.

I sat up, attacking her mouth, effectively shutting us both up. I pulled her closer, hugging her body to mine. We moved together, each mirroring the others actions, achieving a perfect unison. My hands were trembling, predicting what was to come. She bit down on my lower lip, drawing blood, her body shutting down with a whimper. My eyes rolled back in my head as my brain turned into a pulp. I could taste iron on my tongue.

My hearing returned before my sight, my ears instantly filling with the beeping of the machines, counting every heartbeat in the room, every heartbeat except mine. I was glad the nurses had disconnected me earlier, otherwise there would’ve been a team with a crash cart lurking behind the curtain, ready to zap my heart back into rhythm.

Anna was still trembling slightly as I laid down, pulling her with me. I tried to keep us warm, covering us both with the thin rough cloth hospitals called a “blanket”.

“I’m starting to like hospitals,” I mumbled, my eyes closed.

“I still hate them. There’s no way I can sleep here,” she moaned against my neck.

“Then let’s not,” I chuckled, tilting her chin up to steal a kiss.

“Are you serious? We just-”

I stopped her rant with a finger, smiling widely at the direction her thoughts had taken.

“That’s not what I meant, I’m not  _that_  horny. I was thinking more along the lines of taking a walk.”

“A walk? We’ll get caught.”

“No we won’t. I’m quite familiar with the layout, remember. I know places no one will ever find us.”

I could tell she wasn’t sure about my plan, but I dragged her with me none the less, our bare feet making almost no sound on the cold tiled floor.

The corridors were empty, no nurses, no patients. It was late, rather early morning than night. I wasn’t tired, though, more hyperactive than anything else. Anna’s hand was squeezed in mine, me leading the way.

“The roof of the hospital has the most amazing view,” I exclaimed, my voice echoing through the empty corridor. I knew where the nurse’s station was, therefore I could avoid prying ears.

“The roof? How did you find that out?” Anna was baffled.

“I was here for a long time. I had to fill the days somehow, didn’t I?”

We rounded another corner, the corridor looking exactly like the ones we had already passed through. I let my instincts guide me rather than my memory, otherwise we would have gotten lost ages ago.

“We’re not far, around the next corner and…”

My words got stuck in my throat as a figure appeared around the next bend, its hands crossed on its chest, its demeanour annoyed. The figure had a familiar face.

“Evelyn.”

  
  


“Theo…” she nodded, her eyes moving from me to Anna, who was half hidden behind my back.

“Anna,” she offered her name.

Evelyn was staring at us like a warden who had just found two of her prisoners trying to escape. She looked almost the same, like no years had passed: not young, not old either, somehow timeless. Her face brought back memories, some good, some bad, none easily forgotten.

“How did you find us?” I asked, trying to break the awkward silence.

“I heard you were in here again, knew you were up to something. I was with you the last time around, I know all your hiding places,” the corner of her mouth smirked up.

“You’re working nights now?” I casually asked.

“I’m substituting.”

“And you didn’t come to see me? I’m offended,” I smiled, teasing her.

“You were supposed to be sleeping. There’s no point in watching you snore.”

“I don’t snore!” I growled.

“Yes, you do,” Anna pitched in.

Evelyn’s eyes locked on her.

“You weren’t here the last time,” she stated, it wasn’t a question.

“No, I wasn’t,” Anna still answered, stepping out from my shadow, settling in next to me.

“You  _shouldn’t_  be here now either, to be honest,” she narrowed her eyes.

“Oh come on!” I whined like a little kid, “you know how I hate hospitals, she’s just keeping me company until I get out of here. I wrote you a song, maybe you could…overlook this little…”

I trailed off, pleading with my eyes, hoping I had pushed the right buttons.

“I know you did, dear,” she unhooked her arms, her eyes turning soft,” Thank you, it’s beautiful.  _But_  you two need to get back to your room, right now. And no funny business!”

Her expressions changed like lightning, I couldn’t even catch some of them. Now she looked like an angry school teacher, though.

“Of course, mam,” I mumbled, grabbed Anna’s hand and started dragging her away, shouting back, “come visit me tomorrow! Adam will be there too!”

She had always had a soft spot for him. They had sat by my bed and chatted for hours on end while I was either sleeping or too oblivious to participate.

  
  


We returned, tiptoeing through the sleeping room to our bed. Anna snuggled close to me, resting her cold feet against my skin to warm them up.

“I’m sleepy,” she sighed.

“I thought you could never sleep here,” I chuckled, the excessive energy leaving my body as Anna’s drowsiness infected me as well.

“Shut’p,” she mumbled, kissing my neck.

I obeyed, feeling her muscles relax as she drifted away. I listened to the sounds of the hospital. They weren’t so much different from how they had been years ago, but somehow they weren’t scary anymore. My imagination had taken control last time, turning every sleep.drunk moan into a cry of pain. I fell asleep listening, hypnotized by the sound of the machines, the sound of life, the sound that told me I wasn’t alone.


	19. Reality

Morning came and went as I slept. I was exhausted, tired from constant touring, being in a different time zone every other night, and now on top of all that I had a head injury. I could have slept forever, not bothered by what went on around me or inside my head. The rhythmical beeping in my ears had the same effect as rain beating against a window, giving me a dreamless night.

A sharp pain in my right arm woke me up. I tore it away, making things worse.

“Easy…easy, Theo,” Anna’s soothing voice murmured in my ear as I felt her hand on my head.

She was sitting next to me on the bed, her legs tangling over the edge. I looked around, searching for the source of the pain. Evelyn was standing over me, a long needle in her hands. My arm had a deep scrape in it where I had dragged it away from her.

“What were you thinking?” I whined, rubbing my arm, “you don’t poke a sleeping person! That’s just rude!”

She laughed, the little web of wrinkles in the corner of her eyes deepening.

“I wouldn’t have done that if  _you_  hadn’t slept like you were comatosed. We tried to wake you,” she glanced at Anna, a warm look in her eyes, “but you wouldn’t budge. So I thought I’d hurry things along.”

I scowled at her.

“Why couldn’t you just wait till I woke up?”

“My shift ends soon and I thought you’d rather it was me poking holes in you than some stranger.”

I relaxed into the pillow, sighing deeply and giving her my arm back. There was no point in fighting, it would happen eventually anyway.

“Try not to pass out on me this time,” Evelyn mused.

“You passed out the last time?” Anna laughed.

“I have a thing with needles, okay? “ I mumbled, narrowing my eyes at Evelyn, expressing my anger at her big mouth.

The bantering distracted me enough so that I felt almost nothing. I was glad I didn’t have to demonstrate how big of a “thing” I really had with needles.

“Now, if you’re ready, there are some people here to see you. You’ve become quite popular since last time, haven’t you?” Evelyn chuckled, marking the freshly acquired samples with my name.

“Oh shut it. I just have more than _one_ friend now…” I mumbled, smoothing a hand over my hair. It was sticking out in all directions where the white bandage didn’t cover it.

  
  


Adam came in first, leading a pack of laughing neanderthals. He smiled at me, then at Evelyn who was watching the gang descending on my bed.

“Hello, love,” she uttered as she pulled Adam into a hug.

“Hi,” he laughed breathlessly, “it’s been a while.”

“Let’s hope the next time will be even further away,” she sent a meaningful look in my direction. I huffed, turning to see who else was here.

Richard was standing at the foot of my bed, his face beaming like it always did when he wasn’t trying to look tough and mean for the concerts. Paul and Pete were lurking behind him, Paul looking like a midget in comparison.

“How’s your head?” Richard bellowed, his loud voice echoing through the room. I groaned and covered my ears.

“I’ll tell you as soon as you stop shouting!”

The guys laughed, cracking jokes at my expense to keep the mood light.

“So what are you doing here anyway? I mean, how did you know?” I was puzzled.

“Adam called us. You’re  _kind of_  essential to us having a job, you know. And we wanted to see you wearing a dress,” Richard chuckled, referring to my hospital gown.

“Ha, ha,” I didn’t know how to answer that, so I just averted the subject to something less embarrassing, “I’m more interested in how Adam’s date went. What did you guys do after we….left?” I glanced at Anna but she seemed not to notice.

Adam’s eyes widened as the guys made some silly sounds, Richard even let out a long whistle. They acted like little boys, making me laugh.

“Nothing much. The hospital calling and telling me your skull got cracked open kind of ruined the mood…” he mumbled, his cheeks a little flushed. Anna was definitely _not_  the only person in the room turning red every time something embarrassing happened.

“Yeah, about that,” I made another subject change to spare him, “how come they called  _you_?”

“Apparently,  _someone_  had put me down as his first choice,” one of his eyebrows cocked up.

“Oh, right…” now I remembered, “I did that after last time. They freaked my mom thoroughly out with their call. She was convinced I was gonna die. I didn’t want to put her through that again.”

“Have you called her?” Adam looked at me challengingly. Everyone else in the room was watching our little conversation, not comfortable with joining in.

I sighed, running my hand over my face. I had been afraid he would ask me that, knowing he wouldn’t like the answer.

“No…and there’s no point in doing so now, I’m fine! So just…drop it.”

“Fine, suite yourself.”

Adam fell silent, suddenly finding the floor very interesting.

Richard broke the silence with a cough.

“You’re getting out tonight, aren’t you?”

His hopeful eyes locked with Evelyn’s.

“He can leave as soon as the results are in. I’d say he’ll be out by lunch,” she smiled.

“Then we’re taking you out! To celebrate you not getting your head totally bashed in.”

“No drinking for at least two weeks!” Evelyn shouted, bewildered, “you guys haven’t changed at all!”

“Theo is practically married now so I’d say he has changed  _a lot_ ,” Adam huffed, laughing with the guys. Anna shuffled beside me and I unconsciously rested my hand on her knee.

“I got hit by a fucking truck and you guys are  _still_ making fun of me?” I groaned.

“I thought it was only a car…” Richard raised an eyebrow.

“That’s not the point! Why am I always the one you gang up on?”

“You just make it so easy!” Pete laughed.

“Fine, fine, I’m coming out,  _without drinking_ ,” the last words directed at Evelyn who had already opened her mouth to protest, “just stop harassing me, my head feels like it’s about to explode.”

Anna squeezed my shoulder comfortingly.

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” she promised.

“Married, I’m telling you…” Adam huffed under his breath, but got elbowed by Evelyn.

She seemed to have developed an affection for Anna. How exactly, I had no idea. I had been out cold a good part of the morning…

“We’ll be going then, see you tonight!”

The guys said goodbye an cleaned out, leaving just Anna. She laid down next to me, nuzzling against my neck and draping her hands around my body.

“Why don’t you want to call your mom?” she asked after a moment of silence.

I sighed. She wasn’t gonna let this go so easily.

“I don’t want to worry her. She already thinks I’m killing myself with the hectic schedule, drinking myself to death every night and shagging everything that moves..”

“Did she say that?”

“No..but I know that’s what she’s thinking.”

“And  _I_  know you want to see her. It’s normal, after what you went through.”

“Since when did you become so wise? Wait, don’t answer that…okay, fine, I’ll go see her if it makes you happy.”

I knew she could see right through me but I didn’t care. I  _did_  want to see my mom. It had been a long time since we had last spoken.

“Great. I’d love to meet her too,” she sighed.

I froze. That was a whole other question.

“Eerm…she doesn’t know about you,” I tried.

“So? My mom didn’t know about you either and everything went fine.”

“But my mom is…difficult.”

Searching for excuses was harder that I had anticipated. Anna sat up, her confused eyes searching for mine.

“You don’t want me to meet her.”

It was a statement not a question. She looked hurt.

“No, it’s not that…”

“It’s exactly that! You don’t want me to meet her! Why? Are you embarrassed? You’re embarrassed of me?” her eyes started watering up.

“Don’t be silly, I’m not  _embarrassed_  of you” I’m just…”

I trailed off, looking for forgiveness in her eyes, not finding any. Anger rose in my chest for no apparent reason. I couldn’t make her understand, she would just turn down every explanation I threw at her. She was too stubborn.

“I just can’t! Not yet…” I glared, not sure why I was shouting at her.

“You said you loved me,” she spoke calmly.

It would have been better if she had screamed.

“I do! It has nothing to do with that!”

“How does it not?” tears were now pouring from her eyes, her face filled with anger.

“Have a  _great_  party tonight,” she just threw at me and rushed towards the door.

“Fine!” I shouted at her childishly.

“Fine!” came as a response.

She didn’t look back as she ran out to the corridor, almost crashing into Evelyn who came in to see what the ruckus was about.

“Sorry,” Anna whispered, her eyes seeing nothing as they were filled with unshed tears.

Evelyn watched her leave, her mouth gaped open in surprise. She looked angry when she came to me.

“What did you do to that girl?” she demanded, her eyes spilling fire.

My body felt numb, there were no emotions left, no anger, not sadness, no regret.

“Nothing,” I mumbled, staring straight up at the ceiling.

“You had to do something! She looked devastated!”

The sting in my heart left as quickly as it had appeared. I turned my back to her, staring without seeing.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”


	20. Truth

Theo stepped into the club, scrunching up his nose at the strong bass bellowing through his brain. I had to remind myself it was less than 24 hours since his run-in with the car, even though he didn’t look like it. He was wearing one of his usual suits, his hair neatly combed back. I knew somewhere under the coat of Pomade was a wound, but he had hid it well. He noticed me and started making his way towards the table I was sitting at, bumping into people on the way.

“Where’s Anna?” I asked when he reached me.

“She’s not coming,” Theo muttered, trying to focus his eyes on me.

“What do you mean she’s not coming? And are you  _drunk_?”

“We got into a fight. And so what that I’m drunk? Are you my mother?”

I stared at my best friend. He was usually a happy-drunk, mingling with everyone, laughing over everything, talking non-stop. Not this time.

“What happened?” I asked carefully, not wanting to get my head bitten off.

“It doesn’t matter! It’s a party! Where’s my drink?” he shouted, setting off towards the bar.

I ran after him, afraid of what he would do. He looked like he could self-destruct at any moment.

“Are you sure you should drink more? Hell! You shouldn’t be drinking _at all_! You were just in the hospital for crying out loud!”

He didn’t listen to me, ordering himself Gin&tonic, double.

“Where’s everyone?” he asked, taking a big gulp.

“They’re running late.”

“Figures…” Theo muttered, eyeing the crowd.

A girl walked up to him, swinging her hair flirtily.

“You wanna dance?” she asked Theo with a cheeky smile.

“He can’t dance,” I stated.

“I’d  _love_  to,” Theo answered, looking at me daringly. It was like he wanted to prove something, to me or to himself.

The girl took his hand, guiding him to the dance floor, ignoring my protest. They disappeared in the colourful crowd, blending into the mass.

  
  


“Where’s the hero of the day?” Richard asked when they arrived.

I scowled at the dancing bodies.

“There, discarding all his dignity.”

The guys followed my gaze to where Theo was dancing, although “dancing” wasn’t the right word for it. He was pissed drunk, his hands on the girls hips, grinding himself against her. She certainly seemed to enjoy it.

“What’s he doing?” Paul asked, bewildered.

“He’s trying to forget, I guess. They got into a fight,” I huffed.

“Him and Anna? Damn, I actually liked her.”

“You can still like her. They aren’t broken up, at least I hope not.”

“But then…what’s he doing?” Paul asked again.

“He’s being a brick…” I mumbled, setting off to retrieve him when the kissing started to resemble him eating her face.

  
  


“Theo, mate…Theo!” I gripped his arm when just shouting didn’t help.

“Mmmm…what?” he growled, tearing himself away from the girl, glaring at me angrily.

“It’s time to go.”

He stared.

“Fuck off,” He threw at me and turned back to the girl.

“No, we’re going,” I stuck to my word, pulling him with force this time.

Theo stumbled back, almost tripping over his own feet.

“What the fuck, Adam?” he yelled.

I couldn’t even react before a fist was flying towards my face. It stopped half way. The guys appeared at my side, Richard’s big palm wrapped around Theo’s wrist, twisting it behind his back, making him harmless.

“Are you kidding me?” Theo yelped, struggling to get free. He was out of control.

“Let’s get him home,” I frowned, heading towards the exit, Richard following with Theo who was still twisting in his iron grip.

  
  


Theo calmed down half way to my place, realizing he can’t win. Richard let him go and said his goodbyes, leaving us alone and returning to the party.

We walked in silence for a while, Theo swaying from side to side.

“You okay?” I asked, eyeing him sideways.

He didn’t answer at first, his eyes locked on the horizon.

“I’m fine,” he spat.

I sighed. I hadn’t seen him like this for a long time, not since our crazy days, but back then I had been the same. Now though, it hurt to see a friend like this, so angry, so reckless. I could only hope the morning would be different.

  
  


I had to half carry him up the stairs to my apartment. He kept growling at me the entire way, until I threw him on my bed. He was dizzy, his eyes falling shut immediately. I looked at my best friend, drunk out of his mind, spread over my bed while fully clothed. I felt sad. I knew he was more upset than he let on, drinking himself to oblivion just to forget.

I took off his shoes and tucked him under a blanket in case he got cold. I took the couch, falling asleep to the sound of his drunken snores.

  
  


I found him in the morning exactly as I had left him the night before, his messy hair being the only thing sticking out from under the blanket. I dragged it off, revealing his crumpled suit and bare feet.

“Theo,” I called his name in attempt to wake him. When it didn’t help, I reached out and pinched his big toe.

He shifted, frowning at the bright light when he opened one hazy eye. He groaned, covering his face with his hands.

“Oh shit…I feel like crap.”

“You should, after what you pulled last nigh,” I mumbled.

“What did I do? I only remember bits and pieces…”

“Get up and come eat breakfast. I’ll help fill in the blanks,” I said and left him to his misery.

  
  


He dragged his feel behind him like a little kid as he entered the kitchen. I waited for him to sit down before sliding some painkillers towards him. Theo took them with gratitude.

“So…” I began, waiting for him to start. When he didn’t, I took the lead.

“So what  _do_  you remember?”

He frowned, his eyes shifting up like they always did when he was trying to think.

“I remember drinking alone, and then meeting you in the club..that’s about it.”

“Nothing after that?”

“No…oh god, what did I do?” his eyes were wide.

“Well, you were rude, obnoxious, almost shagged a girl in the middle of the dance floor, then tried to kick my ass when I came to stop you and got humiliated when Richard dragged your sorry ass away.”

Theo gaped at me.

“I did what?! Oh god…I’m so sorry. What will the guys say? I’m never drinking again,” he lowered his head on the table.

I chuckled, there was the Theo I knew.

“I’ve heard  _that_ one before.”

“Oh shut up…” he huffed, lifting his head to reveal a sad smile.

“I never got an answer from you yesterday. What happened? I mean, with you and Anna,” I asked carefully. He still looked like a ticking time bomb. But he only sighed.

“We got into a fight. Our first  _real_ fight. The last one can’t even compare.”

“What did you do?”

“What did I do? Why do you immediately think that it was my fault?” he whined.

“Cause I know you…so what did you do?” I kept pushing.

“I might have…suggested I didn’t want to introduce her to my mom.”

The last bit came out very fast, words colliding due to the immense speed.

“What? Why would you do that?”

“Cause it’s true…but it’s not all my fault! She wouldn’t even listen to my explanation, she just walked away!” Theo’s eyes were hopeful, looking for understanding.

“And what  _is_ your explanation? I’d like to hear it..” I raised my eyebrow.

“I’m just…not ready. Every girl I have ever taken home, and there aren’t many, have been gone a little while after that. I’m afraid she’ll run away as soon as she sees my wacky family. I’m not ready to lose her yet.”

“Why don’t you tell her that? I’m sure she’ll understand.”

“I can’t…she doesn’t want to talk to me. And I’m still mad because she jumped to conclusions so quickly! Turns out she doesn’t trust me at all!”

He started to get mad again.

“You have to think how all that looked to her. She thought you didn’t want to show her to your mom. That  _must_  have hurt.”

“Who are you, Dr. Phil?” he mumbled, but he understood.

“I still can’t call her, she won’t pick up. And I can’t go to her house, she’ll slam the door in my face,” he was giving up.

I had to do something.

“Why don’t I go? She likes me, she’ll hear me out,” I smiled.

“You would do that?” Theo’s eyes were hopeful again,”Seriously? That would be brilliant!” his face lit up.

“I’m gonna give you a letter,” he then thought out loud, “give it to her if you manage to make her understand.”

“Sure,” I said and went looking for something he could write on.

  
  


Theo drove me to Anna’s house, but insisted on staying in the car.

“Fine, just…don’t go anywhere. I am  _not_ walking back because you were scared of a little girl.”

I didn’t even hear his comeback as I slammed the door shut.

I had never been to her place. It looked nice, I just couldn’t picture Theo living in that house.

She answered the door after I had knocked at least five times. It looked like she hadn’t slept at all, her eyes were red from exhaustion and what looked like tears.

“Hi,” I started.

“Hello,” she mumbled, eyeing the car parked in front of her house over my shoulder. I looked back. Theo was nowhere to be seen.

“Can I come in?” I asked. Something made me speak very quietly.

She stepped aside, giving me permission. She was wearing a white bathrobe and bunny slippers, their ears flapping as she made her way to the kitchen. I sat down, feeling uncomfortable and out of place.

She had her back to me while making coffee. She didn’t speak.

“I know what happened,” I stated.

“I figured you would. You seem to be the only person he truly cares about,” she said without turning around.

“That’s not true and you know it!”

“Isn’t it?” she cried, finally facing me, “maybe you know something I don’t?”

“I do, actually, and if you let me, you’ll know it too,” I stayed calm.

She stared for a while, breathing hard, but sat down eventually, ready to hear me out.

“The first thing you need to know, Theo is…and idiot…”

“That’s an understatement,” she snorted.

“…but not because of the reasons you think! He’s stupidity comes out in the way he sees himself. Even though he keeps up a good show, he’s really insecure..”

She raised an eyebrow but kept quiet.

“You got to understand, those few girls that have ever met his family left him. And he’s convinced he wasn’t good enough or worth putting up with his wacky siblings.”

“And he told you that?” she was sceptical.

“Not in those exact words, no, but I’ve known him for a long time. I know how his mind works. He isn’t embarrassed of  _you_ , he’s embarrassed of himself. And he feels terrible about what happened. You have no idea what state he was in yesterday…”

I trailed off. I wasn’t sure I should have told her that, but I hoped it was enough, I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“You’re right, he  _is_  a moron,” she muttered, chewing her nails, a habit I was very familiar with.

“There’s one more thing,” I remembered, “he gave me something to give to you.”

I took out the letter and dropped it in her out-stretched hand. She gaped at it and opened it with shaky hands. Her eyes went damp as she read, a little chuckle escaping her lips every now and then. I didn’t know what Theo had written, but I was sure it was in his style, full of weird metaphors, mental and geniusly random.

“He’s outside, isn’t he?”

I chuckled. This girl was smart.

“Yeah, probably hiding in the car.”

She threw the letter on the kitchen counter, rushing to the front door and pulling it open. I slowly followed her, stepping outside in time to see Anna pull open the car door. Theo jumped in surprise. He had slumped deep into the seat, the top of his head barely reaching the window.

“What the…Anna?” he yelped.

“You are _such_ a coward!” she laughed.

“What? No I’m not!” he muttered.

“Oh really? Sending Adam in to do your dirty work? Real brave!”

Theo scowled.

“But was it worth it? Did he succeed?”

They stared at each other for a moment.

“Of course he did,” Anna smiled, pulling him out of the car by his hand and hugging him tight. Theo wrapped his hands around her, relieved it was over.

“But we’re gonna have to have a talk about your self-esteem issues,” she muttered into his neck.

“My what? Adam! What exactly did you tell her?” he stared at me over her shoulder.

“Only the truth, mate, only the truth.”


	21. Welcome

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Anna asked from the passenger seat.

We were on our way to my house, where my entire family was waiting for their lost son to return. Even Jak was home for a change, not running through every festival in the country and beyond. He had even come and seen us a couple of times, even though our music was so far from his usual style. I found that endearing although I had never told him that, and never will. I found myself thinking what he will say about Anna. He seemed to think my “rockstar life” was fabulous, giving me the opportunity to shag everything in sight. He would probably say that I’m “throwing my youth away” or something as fake as that. Sometimes he sounded just like our dad, he just used the phrases in totally different contexts. I glanced at Anna, becoming aware that I had lost myself in my thoughts again.

“What? Yes…yes, of course I’m sure. You  _did_  promise me you weren’t gonna run away.”

Anna chuckled, placing her hand on my knee. She was looking at the road ahead, her hand leading it’s own life. I tried to ignore the things it did to me. She either didn’t notice or hid it well.

“How far are we?” she asked, her palm getting dangerously close. I had to swallow before I could answer.

“It’s not long now. The house is just a couple of blocks away.”

My palms were getting sweaty and I regretted not taking Adam with me. We had dropped him off after leaving Anna’s house, but I would’ve felt better if he was here. He was like my own personal guidance councillor, not letting me say stupid stuff or do things I would regret later.

“And Anna, if you continue doing  _that_ , we’re gonna have to wait a while before I can actually stand up in front of my family.”

  
  


I pulled up in front of my house, the road from Manchester to Richmond had been surprisingly short. I looked out the window, taking in the sight, letting the memories flood back. Anna was examining the house as well, probably the same way I had done when first seeing hers. I wondered what she saw and what she thought.

“Shall we go in?” I finally asked with a sigh.

“Okay,” Anna’s voice was quiet from anticipation and worry.

We got out and headed towards the door, Anna walking beside me, her hands clasped together in a tight knot. I slipped my hand between them, lacing her fingers with mine, giving them a reassuring squeeze.

The doorbell rang as I pushed the button, a strange melody ringing through the house. It made me chuckle every time I heard it. A rumble came from behind the door before it opened, my mom beaming up at me. She was quite a lot shorter than me.

“Theodore, sweetheart, welcome home!” she yelped and threw her hands around my neck.

She had used the name I had adopted after doing something naughty when I was little. No one called me that anymore, no one but her.

“Hi, mom. You’re crushing me,” I let out a strangled complaint. She was incredibly strong for her size.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m just excited,” she let me go, “and who’s this?”

Her eyes drifted to Anna who had been watching our interaction with amusement.

“This is Anna, my…girlfriend.”

It still felt weird to say that out loud, specially to my mom.

“Really?” she seemed surprised. I guess it had been a while since I had brought anyone home with me, “thank god, I was beginning to think you had turned gay on me.”

“Mom!” I was shocked. We hadn’t even gotten through the door yet and she had already called me gay. The outlook of tonight wasn’t promising.

“What? You do spend an awful lot of time with Adam. Not that I blame you, I would turn gay for him too.”

“Mom, I’m not gay with Adam, stop wishing I was and stop embarrassing me in front of Anna,” I mumbled, dragging my fingers through my hair.

Anna was shaking in voiceless laughter beside me, clearly I was the only one who didn’t find it amusing.

“Okay, okay, come in,” my mom gestured, “and nice to meet you Anna, welcome to the Hutchcraft family.”

  
  


“She seems really nice,” Anna whispered to me when we finally got a moment to ourselves.

“Really? I think she’s mental!”

“At least now we know where you got your personality from. And your eyebrows,” she laughed.

I cocked the said eyebrow before crushing her in a hug.

“You’re an amazing girl,” I whispered, kissing her between every word.

“Yeah, I know,” she smiled into the kiss.

“Khmmm..”

I knew that voice.

“Hello, Jak,” I said without taking my eyes from Anna’s face. She glanced sideways, trying to see our intruder.

“Hello,  _Theodore_ ,” he purposely mocked the nickname my mom used, “and hello Anna.”

He had clearly been listening in on us before.

“I don’t quite agree with mom on this, though. I still think you’re gay.”

I managed to keep a straight face for just a second before bursting out laughing and striding across the room to hug my brother. We had a weird way of communicating, it was something we had picked up during our rebel years. I had grown out of it, he hadn’t. He was wearing a black leather jacked as I was wearing a suit. Different, but still just the same.

“You twat, what have you been up to?” I laughed into his shoulder.

“Not much since I last saw you. But  _clearly_  the same doesn’t apply to you. Where did you pick up this lovely lady? Or better yet,  _how_  did you pick her up, ugly motherfucker like you are.”

“A long story,” I huffed, letting him go.

“No it’s not,” Anna’s voice reached us, “he shagged me during a festival and kept coming back for more.”

Clearly the shy Anna had left us again. Jak laughed out loud.

“A one-night stand? Theo, you whore!”

“Not a one-night stand exactly…more like one-night-one-day stand. See? You can’t say I’m waisting my fame.”

“Can’t I now? You turned a shag into a relationship. That’s real rockstary behaviour for sure!” Jak cocked an eyebrow, his words dripping of irony.

“Ha-ha, shut up,” I answered the way I always had when we were little and I didn’t know what else to say, “where’s mom?”

“Oh I don’t know, probably cooking something big and greasy for your skinny ass. Dad’s gonna be home soon too.”

I groaned. Our relationship wasn’t easy. Plus, he always had so many questions, usually about the tour and concerts, but this time I was sure he had some about Anna as well. I was dead set on being alone when the flood finally came.

  
  


We sat next to each other on the couch two hours and a horse-size meal later. Our legs were side by side, my skin tingling where they touched. I was surprised the sparks weren’t visible to the naked eye. Our fingers were laced together between us, Anna’s thumb drawing little circles on the back of my hand. My body was tense from the need I had for her, it seemed to only amplify with every day we spent together.

My mom and dad were sitting opposite to us, coffee cups in their hands. Jak resided to the side, a preemptive way of staying clear of whatever was to come.

“So how’s tour? How’s Adam” my dad started off, exactly the way I had predicted.

“Tour’s great, a little exhausting, but we keep it together. And Adam’s good. We were just with him this morning in fact.”

“Oh? So Anna, you’ve met him? What do you think?” my mom was instantly interested. She had unofficially adopted Adam over the years.

“Yeah, I met him the same night I met Theo. He’s great, he has helped us out a lot. He’s quite a philosopher when he wants to be. The boys just get carried away a little too easily,” she chuckled, glad she was being included.

“What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled.

“Well, every time you guys get talking, it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist anymore. You  _know_  it’s true.”

“See? And you’re still surprised I thought you guys were together?” my mom sent me a meaningful glance.

I frowned, seeing Jak’s face turn red from the strangled laughter.

“We’re best friends,” was all I said, wishing it was enough to move things to another subject.

The room was quiet for a moment, only Jak’s strangled huffs breaking the silence.

“So are you guys being safe?” dad directed the next question to me and Anna.

I groaned.

“Here we go…You see that? My family is always too open about  _everything_ ,” I whined at Anna.

“I happen to quite like it,” she smiled, “it’s better than not saying anything at all, like it’s with my mom so often.”

“I like that girl, she’s a keeper,” my mom sent her a warm smile.

“Mom? Could you please show Anna my room? I’m sure she’s tired and wants to freshen up or something,” I said, eyes on my dad.

Anna opened her mouth to protest, but didn’t have the chance. I pressed a kiss on her forehead and whispered that I would join her as soon as I can. My mom understood, she knew where this was going all too well.

“Come, Anna, I’m gonna give you a tour,” she smiled. At that moment I loved her more than I ever had.

Anna obliged, squeezing my hand before letting go and following my mom out the door.

“You too, Jak.”

I wasn’t gonna entertain him more than I already had. He left, but not without protest.

  
  


“Why do you always do that?” I whined. My dad looked bewildered.

“Do what? Wish my son was safe? What’s wrong with that?”

“ _Nothing_ …just we had that talk already when I was a teenager. I’m 24 now, I’m not a kid anymore.”

“I know, I know. But you were crazy back then, I don’t think you really listened,” there was genuine concern in his eyes.

“Yeah, probably not, but I’ve made my mistakes and I’ve learned from them.”

“Have you? Cause from what I’ve gathered, you guys party every night, the way you used to back in Daggers time. Things got better in between, didn’t they? What happened?”

“Things got “better” because we barely had any money to keep ourselves fed!” I got angry, remembering how he had refused to help me out before I got myself a _real job_ , “and besides, we don’t actually party every night, we would be dead by now! You have to let me enjoy my life while I can. These things, the popularity, it’s so fragile. We could be back to where we started by tomorrow for all I know! And don’t even get started on Anna! I don’t care if you don’t like her, she’s here to stay. I’m happy and you’re not gonna ruin it!”

I stared, my chest heaving in deep breaths, conscious about the fact that my voice had risen to a loud shout. Dad stared back, letting me get it all out of my system.

“You done?” he asked calmly.

I nodded sharply, a little embarrassed about losing my temper.

“Okay then. Firstly, I’m sorry I shut you out when you needed me the most, I’m not proud of that. Secondly, your band is doing great. I don’t think you need to worry about money ever again,” he chuckled, “so celebrate, just don’t go over the top. You can’t be a sell-out if you’re a burn-out. And when it comes to Anna, I think she is a sweet girl. She just might keep you out of trouble when Adam isn’t there to do it.”

“Am I really that reckless that I need a guardian wherever I go?” I began to see a pattern.

“Not reckless…just prone to accidents and trouble,” he smiled affectionately.

“Adam called you, didn’t he,” I groaned, unconsciously touching the little gash on my head.

“Yes, and I’m glad he did.”

“You didn’t tell mom, did you?” I asked, smoothing my hair down as a reflex.

“No, of course not. She would’ve lost it,” a laugh rumbled through his chest.

I sighed and closed my eyes.

“You’re okay though, aren’t you?” there was concern in his voice again.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It was just a nasty bump.”

“Good,” he smiled, “good, now let’s go. Your girlfriend probably needs rescuing from your mom.”

I stood when he did, glad we could talk things through. I felt as if we were closer than we had been in years.

  
  


I heard her laugh even before I stepped into my old bedroom. It was mixed with my moms softer chuckles. I found them sitting on my bed, a big photo album on their laps,

Anna lifted her head when I stepped in, her eyes damp from laughing too hard.

“Oh my god, you were such a cute baby!” she squealed, but burst out laughing straight after, ”you were an awkward teenager though.”

Mom started laughing as well.

“Oh, oh, you haven’t seen his prom picture yet!” she yelped, turning the pages quickly now, determined on finding the right one.

I slumped down on the armchair, not even surprised my mom had brought out the baby-pictures as soon as she had a minute with her alone.

“Go ahead, laugh, nothing can embarrass me more than the thought that I once had a blond mop instead of hair,” I mumbled, leaning my head back and closing my eyes.

“Don’t forget the time you had longer hair than I do,” Anna chuckled, eyeing the picture in front of her.

“You saying you wouldn’t love me if I looked like that right now?” I smiled, peeking out through my lashes.

“No, I could deal with it. And there is always the possibility of shaving it in your sleep.”

I laughed and opened my eyes, finding my mom staring, taking in our conversation. I had let the L-word slip without thinking. A small smile spread across her lisp.

“I’m gonna leave you two to it,” she whispered, slipping out the door.

“What was that all about?” Anna asked, putting down the album and coming to sit on my lap.

I wrapped my arms around her, closing my eyes again and leaning my cheek on her head.

“I guess she’s proud of me for finally settling down or something.”

“Settling down? Is that what we’re doing?” she asked, “that sounds awfully boring.”

“Not settling down in the general sense, but me saying I love you is a big thing for my mom.”

She tilted her head up and kissed my chin softly, letting her lips linger.

“It’s late. Are we going back to Manchester or staying here?”

I looked around my room. It was exactly the way I had left it all those years ago: posters on the walls, weird mechanical stuff on the desk, even a little telescope in the corner. I had been a geeky kid, still was.

“Let’s stay here. It would make my mom happy and it would be fun to sleep in my old room again.”

Anna looked around too, chuckling and kissing my lips this time.

“I love myself a good nerd.”

“I really need a shower…” I sighed against her lips, “will you join me?”

“It won’t be much of a  _shower_  if I do,” she brushed her lips over mine, barely touching them.

“That is not a problem.”

  
  


***

  
  


We snuck over the narrow corridor, Theo holding onto my hand and pulling me to the right direction. I could hear voices from downstairs, Theo’s family, no doubt discussing us. Theo opened a door in the far wall, dragging me through it.

The bathroom was small, a big part of it occupied by a shower cabinet. The walls were tiled, making the entire room seem white, bright and clean.

Theo let go of my hand and started unbuttoning his suit. I watched shamelessly, enjoying the show. The black fabric slid to the ground, leaving just a white shirt. I kept my eyes on his hands as his slender fingers worked on the tiny buttons, revealing more and more of his toned chest. I looked up, finding Theo smirking at me, one of his eyebrows lifted high. He made a game out of it, slowing down with every button, teasing me.

I stepped closer and slid my fingers under his open shirt, smoothing my hands up his stomach and chest, feeling every muscle, every goosebump my touch left on his skin. I took the liberty of ridding him from his shirt when my fingers reached his shoulders, watching as his bare arms came into view. I heard his breathing deepen, his chest expanding as my fingers slid lower again, fumbling with his belt.

He tried to make us even, sliding the straps of my top off my shoulders, kissing the newly found skin. His lips were soft, gliding slowly towards my neck, tickling and raising the little hairs on the way.

I sighed, tilting my head to the side, giving him more skin to discover. I let his pants drop on the floor with a thud, leaving him standing in front of me with nothing more than black boxers on.

“How come I’m almost naked and you still have all your clothes on?” Theo mumbled against my neck, nibbling on the delicate skin there.

I slid my fingers under the band of his shorts, pulling them down as well, making the difference even bigger

“Now you’re ready to go, I’ll join you as soon as I can,” I said, throwing his earlier promise back at him, pushing him gently towards the shower door. He looked like he wanted to object, but my determined expression kept his mouth shut.

The doors were made of tempered glass, I could still vaguely see him even after closing them. He reached for the shower knob, turning in the hot current. The bathroom started steaming up withing seconds.

I smiled and took off my clothes, dropping them on top of Theo’s pile. I made sure the door was locked before joining him.

His back was turned to the door, water running down his shoulders. He was rinsing his hair when I closed in on him, pressing myself against his back while my hands roamed over his chest. I kissed the little dimples on his shoulders before turning him to face me. He was strangely compliant, not taking the lead, not complaining.

“You okay?” I asked before molding our lips together.

Theo’s hands knotted in my hair instantly, deepening the kiss. He took my lower lip between his teeth before pulling away with a hiss. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut when he leaned his forehead against mine.

“I want you so damn much. Too much.”

I smiled, dragging my fingernails over his back, eliciting a shiver as he opened his eyes.

“Then take me.”

His eyes darkened instantly. He looked wild, dangerous even, when he picked me up and slammed me against the cold tiles. I had only once seen him like this: in the park, his nose scrunched up, animalistic growls rumbling through his body. The mental image turned me on. I wrapped my legs around his lean waist, recreating the night, only we weren’t drunk this time, we were in Theo’s house, his parents downstairs. I felt like a naughty teenager.

Theo vigorously kissed everything he could reach, audibly breathing through his nose, before hiking my legs higher and guiding himself in. He thrust up sharply, making my breath hitch. The expression on his face should have scared me, but it was more invigorating than anything else. I detected a glint of anger in his eyes, probably an aftermath of our fight. It only seemed to fuel his passion as he set a steady pace for himself. He leaned his head against mine, his eyes poring into me like hot coals. My mouth was open, huffs of air leaving my lungs with every forceful thrust. I could feel his fingernails digging into my thigh as he tried to keep the last thread of control he had left. It went out the window when a low moan escaped my throat.

He buried his face in my neck, chewing on my shoulder. I could feel his teeth sink in as he growled. His body ran hotter than the water falling down on us. I let my head crash back against the wall when my sight blurred and I sunk my nails in his back. He came with a loud moan I was sure could be heard by the neighbors as well as the people inside this house. At that moment I couldn’t care less.

Theo was panting, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest. His eyes were still black when he lifted his head to look at me.

“I’m not saying we should fight more often, but this was fucking amazing.”


	22. Slumber

We got dressed without looking at each other. I had my back to him, my thoughts running amok in my head. It had been so different. Yes, I had seen him like that before, but this time he had gotten to that state all by himself, no intoxication needed.

“You’re so quiet,” Theo’s voice came from behind me as I was buttoning up my top.

I glanced back, sending him a sweet smile. I was still absentminded and he picked up on that.

“I’m sorry I got…this way. Did I scare you?”

My eyebrows lifted, his conclusion coming as a surprise.

“Scare me? Not at all,” I turned around and walked to him, lasing our hands together, kissing his chin as it was the only thing I could reach, “It was kind of sexy, actually. Kink, but sexy.”

He chuckled, tilting his head down and capturing my lips.

“You like kinky? You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?”

“Says the man who occasionally turns into a sex-maniac.”

He cackled as he let go one of my hands and headed towards the door. The while fumes in the bathroom rushed out into the corridor as he opened it. The hardwood floor felt cold under my feet, I was sure I was leaving a trail of wet footprints behind. We almost got to Theo’s room, but Jak’s head appearing on the staircase stopped us on our tracks.

“Hello, naughty kids!” he called, his voice bouncing off the walls.

Theo had to cough his throat clear before answering. Mine felt like it had been corked shut as well.

“Khm…What do you mean?”

I could tell he was trying to keep his face casual, failing miserably.

“Nothing, it’s just an expression. Why? What did you do, Theodore?” his eyes lit up.

“Oh, nothing…” Theo said and opened the door to his room.

Jak trotted past us, heading to his own. Just before he stepped in, he shouted back.

“That’s quite the set of lungs you’ve got there, Theodore. Mom said dad makes the exact same sound when he comes,” and slammed the door shut.

  
  


“Fuck!” I sighed once we were safely in Theo’s bedroom.

I slumped down on the bed, letting my back hit the soft mattress, and closed my eyes.

“Relax. It’s not that bad. This is one of the rare moments I’m glad my parents are so open-minded. It’ll be fine.”

He laid down beside me, burying his face in my neck as his hands hugged me closer.

“How will I show my face downstairs tomorrow? It’s embarrassing!”

“You’re embarrassed cause you made me scream?” he chuckled, “that should be more a matter of pride than anything else.”

The corners of my mouth twisted up involuntarily. I would never forget the sounds he had made. I turned on my side, our noses slightly touching.

“No, I’m not embarrassed of  _that_. I just think that is something not to be shared.”

He gently kissed the corner of my mouth, I could feel him smile.

“At least it will stay in the family,” he mumbled against my lips.

“What about Jak?”

“I’ll shut him up if I have to.”

  
  


Theo’s shuffling woke me up earlier than usual. Dim light came in through the window, illuminating the interior of the room. I looked around, enjoying the chance to take it all in without Theo’s eyes on me the entire time. It was fascinating, getting an insight to how his mind had developed into the complex bundle it was now.

His hand gripped my arm suddenly, so tightly it hurt. I gasped, turning towards him, only to find his eyes still shut. His mouth was gaped open, short huffs of air coming out. His forehead was pearled with sweat, his eyes darting around under closed eyelids. I watched his brows wrinkle up as his grip tightened even more, his breath hitched before his eyes flew open. They were wild, his pupils dilated. He looked confused, like he didn’t know where he was.

“Theo?”

His eyes focused first on my mouth, then on my eyes. I saw a glint of recognition.

“Anna?” he whispered as he let go of my arm, his hands were shaking.

I reached out and wiped away a drop of sweat running down his cheek.

“Yeah, I’m here, what happened?” I ignored the pain in my arm, it was sure to leave bruises.

He fell into thought for a moment, his eyes glazing over, I waited until his mind returned.

“Nothing, it was nothing,” he mumbled, planting a kiss on my forehead and hugging me to his chest.

“It didn’t look like nothing.”

“Forget it, I can’t remember.”

I knew he was lying, I had seen the confusion and fear in his eyes, but I didn’t want to push it. He would tell me when he was ready.

“What time is it?” I asked, guiding the subject to the safest direction.

He reached over me and grabbed his phone from the nightstand, the little screen came to life. The sudden light made his eyes watery as he squinted to see the digits.

“Bloody hell, it’s 5 o’clock in the morning!” he groaned, letting his head fall back on the pillow.

“Any chance of you falling asleep again?” I glanced up at him.

“No,” he said at once. The dream had properly freaked him out.

“Okay then. Breakfast?”

He hummed, agreeing, hugging me close before getting out of bed.

  
  


The house was so quiet, every shadow seeming darker, the creaking of the floorboards under our feel seemed loud enough to wake the dead. Theo led the way, every little detail of his back visible under the white tanktop he was wearing. The dimples on his shoulders appeared and disappeared in tune with his arms loosely swinging on his sides.

I felt comfortable in one of his old shirts, he had kindly lent me one as I had no spare clothes with me. It was white, the sleeves ripped off, big black letters running down the front.

“So which one are you, a good boy or a bad one?” I asked, glancing down at the lettering.

Theo looked back over his shoulder, grinning as he took in the view.

“Definitely a bad one…” his eyes stopped somewhere below my face, “I think we should take it with us when we leave, it quite suits you.”

I smiled, taking in the shirt’s condition. It was clear he had worn it countless times. I checked that he had turned his head back, lifted the collar and took in the scent. I could detect fabric conditioner and something else, something undoubtedly Theo. It made me chuckle. Theo looked back questioningly.

“Nothing,” I composed my face, a wide grin breaking free as soon as his eyes had left me.

  
  


The kitchen was small but cozy, everything had its own place. Theo stopped in the middle, looking around, thinking where to start. I sat down at the table, excited to see him in action. He scratched his nose thoughtfully and set off, opening cupboards, not finding what he as looking for.

“What are you trying to find?” I finally asked out of pity.

“A pan…I mean, it’s a kitchen, it should have one!”

“Look into the oven,” I recommended.

He opened it, immediately pulling out a big pan.

“Who keeps stuff in the oven? How did you know?” his eyes were wide.

“Magic that only women possess,” I chuckled.

“Oh yeah? And what is that?”

“Logic.”

  
  


The house woke up a few hours later. We were slumbering on the couch, me sitting on Theo’s lap, my head under his chin. I was half asleep, but I could feel his arms around me, his breathing even and deep.

“I remember that shirt,” Davina’s voice woke me up. She was sitting on the opposite couch. 

I checked if Theo was still asleep, satisfied to find him deep under. I put my head back on his chest and answered.

“Yeah, he was quite nostalgic when he found it.”

Davina chuckled, her eyes far away, remembering her son the way he used to be.

“Why were you up so early?” she asked.

I sighed, closing my heavy eyelids for a moment.

“Theo had a bad dream, he didn’t want to go back to sleep,” then I smiled, “but seems like nature took its course.”

Davina hummed thoughtfully.

“He used to have those when hen was younger. He would suppress an unpleasant memory until it came back when his conscience wasn’t there to protect him from it.”

I frowned. Could it be the accident? Or the one years ago? It seemed to me he had gotten over it. What else could it be?

“I’ll look into it,” I yawned, absentmindedly dragging small circles on his bare arm with my thumb.

“I know you will,” she smiled, “you’re good for him.”

“People keep saying that,” I huffed.

“Then it must be true,” she said, standing up and heading to the kitchen where the rest of the family was fighting over a piece of toast, leaving us to solitary.

  
  


Theo twitched under me, like a puppy who was running in his sleep. He was definitely having a nice dream as the corners of his mouth slightly turned up. He breathed in deeply, letting out a raspy breath as he opened his eyes.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” I whispered, pecking his lips.

He stretched his legs, as well as he could with me on his lap, yawning widely.

“How long was I out?”

“Not long enough.”

His eyes stopped on my arm where purple bruises had appeared in the last hour. You could clearly see the outline of his fingers. He reached out and touched it gently, sighing.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt.”

He wasn’t convinced, but let it go.

“Did you sleep at all?”

“Yeah, a little, but watching you was more interesting. You talk in your sleep, you know that?”

His eyes narrowed.

“What did I say?”

“Most of it was rubbish, something about goat’s cheese?” I chuckled, “but you said my name. Twice.”

That made him smile.

“I had a good dream.”

“I could tell.”

We just sat there for a while, enjoying each other’s company, Our breathing somehow synchronized over time, my chest rising in tune with his.

“ _Wow_  what a cheesefest,” Jak said, slumping down on the couch.

Theo hummed, very pleased with himself.

“You’re just jealous. Shagging everything that moves isn’t quite the same, is it?”

I loved how he kept protecting us, defending our relationship.

“At least it’s not boring!” he huffed.

“Sleeping with one person doesn’t have to be boring. You just need to know how to keep things interesting.”

“Like shower sex?” Jak taunted.

“You still can’t get over that? Jealous, I told you so,” Theo chuckled, tightening his hold on my body.

I smiled, peeking at Jak from behind Theo’s arms. He fell silent, a frown appearing on his forehead. He had lost and he knew it.

“You’re still gay,” he said and took off.

“How mature!” Theo called after him, slightly annoyed.

“I like him,” I said.

“You have barely spoken to him,” he laughed.

“I don’t have to. I like watching you guys banter.”

“You’re a weird woman,” he sighed and added quickly, “but I love you. Now, let’s crawl out of the rabbit hole. I’m hungry.”

  
  


We spent the day with his family. The dynamics of it fascinated me. They were all so comfortable and in sync with each other, immediately settling back into it even though Theo had been away for so long. They included me as well, treating me like I was already part of the family.

The odd jokes didn’t bother me. I saw Theo nervously glancing towards me at first, searching for my reaction, but finding me laughing he settled.

We hit the road when the sun started to sink below tho horizon. Davina had tears in her eyes as she first hugged Theo and then me.

“Come back soon, okay?” she said, wiping her eyes.

“Sure, mom, as soon as I find time,” Theo smiled, finding his over-emotional mother hilarious.

“Remember what we talked about,” his father said, formally shaking his hand and giving me a short nod.

The biggest surprise was Jak. He crushed me in a bear-hug and mumbled: “Forget everything I said, you’re all right.”

Theo was surprised as well, staring in ave.

“Shut your mouth, wanker. I’ll see you at Glastonbury,” he cackled and patted him on the cheek, not very gently.

“Sure, we’ll get a drink after the show.”

We set off towards home, with me still wearing his shirt. I quite enjoyed it.

“When’s Glastonbury?” I suddenly remembered to ask.

“In a couple of weeks. But we’re going to Germany in two days.”

“Oh, damn, I’m gonna miss you,” I sighed.

“It’s only for a week. Plus, we still have tomorrow.”


	23. Dream

_I saw lights as I closed my eyes. Colourful lights, blue, green, yellow, red, all blurring into one, making me dizzy. Well, dizzier than I already was. Gin, dancing bodies, hard hitting bass and twinkling lights made me disoriented, I couldn’t tell up from down at this point._

“ _Theo!” a familiar voice called out for me._

_My eyes focused on the deep blue eyes in front of me. Adam. It was just the two of us tonight, celebrating our record deal. We had finally made it, the euphoria was overwhelming._

“ _Adam!” I called back, grabbing the back of his neck and bumping our foreheads together with a thud._

_He laughed with me as he too was in no state to feel any pain. People were bouncing against us, following the music. There was no room to breathe. Our chests crashed together as another stranger stumbled against my back, sending me flying towards my friend. My forehead slipped from his, my chin finding a place to rest on his shoulder. I could feel his hand around my back as he chuckled, his nose pressed against my neck. I couldn’t close my eyes without the merry-go-round behind my eyelids making me feel even worse._

“ _I think I’ve had enough for tonight…” I mumbled drowsily._

_Adam took hold of my head, a hand pressed on either side, and dragged it away from his shoulder to look into my eyes. His pupils were fully dilated, making them seem rather black than blue._

“ _Enough? You serious? Tonight is a celebration!”_

_His words came out as a babble, the alcohol making his tongue soft. His eyes kept bouncing around, fixating on random places. My eyes, my chin, my nose, my lips. He always came back to my lips._

“ _What?” I cackled, amused by his interest._

“ _Nothing,” he breathed out, a little smile creeping over his face._

_He had never looked at me like that, no one had ever looked at me like that. It was weird, I didn’t know what to think of it. I didn’t have much time to analyse it either as determination took over his face, his eyes going even darker._

_My breath hitched as his lips crashed on mine, his hands holding my head in place. My fingers closed on his wrists, half-heartedly trying to pull them away. Adam felt how little effort I put into it, smiling into the kiss, parting his lips a little. They were soft and full as they started moving against mine slowly, testing how far I would go. I gave into him, my hands moving from his wrists to his arms as I pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. It felt so different, exciting, exhilarating. I could feel the adrenaline running through my veins as his tongue danced with mine._

_I was panting, my breath moving in and out quickly through my nose. Panic hit me. What was I doing? He was my friend. He. We were in a public place, full of people we probably knew, people who would remember it in the morning even if we didn’t. I tried to break away but his grip on me was too tight. I moaned involuntarily, spurring him on. I couldn’t breathe anymore, the panic taking over my body. No air, no sound, no sight. Only him._

I woke up, feeling claustrophobic, panting and covered in sweat. My body was tangled in the damp blanket, the pillows missing, probably spread out on the floor. Glimpses of the dream still flashed through my head, I could feel it on my skin. I was confused about where I was, what time it was, who I was with, but most of all: why I saw that dream again. Twice in the past few days I had woken up on the same spot, Adams lips molded against mine, my body on fire. I hadn’t thought back on that night since it happened. We had never talked about it, I just assumed he didn’t remember.  _I_  barely did, but it seemed my subconscious knew every detail.

I couldn’t tell if the tingle in my body was from excitement or fear, confusion or worry. I had to work it out, I couldn’t bare one more dream like that. I hurt Anna once already.

Anna.

I looked around, searching for her, knowing she had to be somewhere close. I found her sitting in an armchair a few feet away, looking at me, her eyes worried.

“What’ya doing all the way there?” I muttered, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and catching by breath.

She glared for a while before answering.

“You were tossing around. I didn’t want to get beaten up.”

I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. She wasn’t gonna let it go this time. I just had to figure out what to tell her.

“Come back to bed. Everything’s fine now.”

She hesitated, but crawled back next to me, resting her head on my chest as her fingers were dragging along the lines of the muscles on my stomach. I could almost hear her brain working overtime.

“What was it?” she asked finally, her breath tickling my skin.

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t think of any good explanation.

“And don’t tell me it was nothing. It’s the second time already. Something is on your mind, tell me.”

I sighed, I knew I couldn’t make her believe a lie. I had to tell the truth, as embarrassing as it was. I just hoped it wouldn’t change anything between us.

“I’m having the same dream. Well, not dream exactly, a memory. Something that happened a while back and is just now finding its way to the surface.”

I paused. She didn’t say anything, listening intently. I continued with a sigh as I covered my face with my hand in embarrassment.

“It was a party, we were celebrating with Adam. We were both incredibly drunk, I can’t even remember half of that night…anyways, one thing led to another and…we ended up making out on the dancefloor,” I rambled quickly to get it over with.

She was quiet for a moment, but then her body started shaking.

“Anna, it was nothing, it was the alcohol, really…” I started explaining, but then she lifted her head, her mouth spread into a wide grin, breathless laughter coming from her lips.

She wasn’t angry or sad, not even repulsed. She seemed relieved.

“You’re…not mad?” I asked hesitantly.

“Mad?” she yelped, still shaking violently, “I was afraid something terrible was happening, some trauma or something, but this?”

I gaped at her.

“It was quite a trauma for me, thank you very much. I’m having nightmares!”

“You sure they are  _nightmares_? Maybe you’re just turned on,” she chuckled, “I did detect a moan earlier.”

I felt my face heat up. I had been ready to calm her down, to explain and dissolve her anger. I was certainly  _not_ ready for this.

“I am _not_  gay,” I groaned.

“Oh I know. You don’t have to be gay for  _that_. You think I haven’t made out with a girl when I was drunk?” She sent me a meaningful look.

“Please  _do_  tell me more..” I removed my hand to look at her. That was a mental image I wouldn’t get out of my head for a while.

“No, we were talking about you,” she smiled cheekily and left a trail of butterfly kisses on my chest.

“You’re seriously not mad?” I gasped, shivers running down my spine.

“Of course not. You know those images that ran through your head when I told you I made out with a girl?”

“khhh..yeah.”

“Well, it’s the same for me. Women aren’t immune to things like that, no matter how hard they try to hide it.”

“You think that’s  _hot_?” I huffed, the feelings from the dream suddenly running through me. I wasn’t gay, I repeated to myself, it was just a misunderstanding between my brain and my body.

“Damn right I do!

“So you must think Adam’s hot too,” I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Of course,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Should I be jealous?”

“Well, as much as I should be. You  _have_  made out with both of us. I think it’s only fair that…”

That earned her a playful jab in the ribs.

“Don’t you  _dare_!” I chuckled, brushing my lips over hers.

“Moving on! What will we do about that dream of yours?” she slammed a hand down on my chest to make her point.

“What can we do? It seems to me I just need to wait it out. It always helped before.”

“I know, your mom told me. Don’t frown at me! She was worried about you, and so am I. Plus, I’m not too thrilled about waking up with a black eye next time you decide to thrash about. You need to get rid of it. I think you need to face it,” she finished, looking determined.

“Face it? You mean…talk to Adam about it? No, I can’t!” I stared in shock.

“Why not? You guys are friends, right? I thought you could talk about everything,” she didn’t give up.

“Well, yes, but not about things like  _that_. I don’t want things to get awkward between us, we need to be around each other constantly on tour. This could get ugly.”

In truth, I was afraid of what I would discover. What if he actually remembered everything? What if he didn’t? He’d think I had gone completely bonkers, making shit up. And on top of all that, I could clearly remember him initiating things. What if he  _was_  gay? No, that was impossible. I had seen him with countless women, he couldn’t be. But I remembered the look in his eyes, the determination, like he finally had the courage for something he’d been wanting to do for ages. And what about me? It’s not like I hadn’t enjoyed it. Does that make me gay too?

I realized I was wondering if I did or did not like men while in the arms of the woman I loved. It was ridiculous, there was no way  _that_ was the case.

“You’re right. I need to figure things out, we both do. I’m gonna go talk to him.”

Come what may.

  
  


I had to drag my feet up the flight of stairs leading to Adam’s apartment, I had never been so reluctant to see him. I knew I could tell him anything, but somehow I couldn’t classify this as anything. I just hoped our relationship would remain the same after I left. I couldn’t bare to lose him, not when I was so used to having him around.

  
I lifted my hand to knock on his door, hesitating for a moment, when suddenly it flew open, a startled Adam staring back at me. He wore a black overcoat, his leather boots strapped up, an umbrella in his hands.

“Theo! What are you doing here?” he laughed, letting out the breath he’d been holding, chuckling at his own silliness.

“I needed to talk to you about something. Nothing important, just…something,” I rambled.

Adam frowned, catching on to my nervousness.

“Okay…I was just going to the store. You’re welcome to join me, we can talk while walking,” he smiled, stepping out and locking the door.

I swallowed. It was better in a way. I didn’t have to make eye-contact while walking by his side. It was still scary though. Anna had taken it lightly, but this was different, utterly different.

“Why did you take an umbrella? It’s not even raining,” I asked after stepping out into the sunshine, rare sight in Manchester.

“Just in case, you know I can’t stand getting wet,” he chuckled, swinging the black umbrella back and forth in his right hand. He seemed to be in a good mood.

“You’re chipper today,” I laughed, “what did you do last night?”

“Vicky stayed over,” he smiled wickedly.

He wasn’t gay. Definitely not. But why then…?

“Enough with the small-talk. What did you want to talk to me about?” he got right down to business, still beaming from head to toe.

“I…emmm…” I didn’t know where to start.

“Theo Hutchcraft lost for words? Is it 2012 already? Wait…is Anna pregnant?” his eyes went wide.

“What? No! Why would you think that?” I laughed nervously.

“Then what? Spill! You know I’m impatient, that has never been one of my strong suits.”

He was right. Ironically, I was always the one keeping calm in bad situations as Adam snapped rather quickly, making him a dangerous opponent and a valuable ally.

“You remember the night we celebrated our record deal?”

Adam was quiet for a moment.

“Yes, I remember.”

“Everything?” I couldn’t mask the surprise in my voice.

“Most of it. The things that matter, anyway.”

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. He was staring straight forward, his jaw set. He wasn’t gonna start, so I did.

“So you remember what happened? Between us, I mean?”

“Yes,” he sighed, “I always assumed you didn’t, so I never brought it up. Why did _you_? I mean, why now?” he finally looked at me, I could swear his eyes went dark for a moment, but it could’ve just been my imagination playing tricks on me, the memory of that dream seeping into reality.

I looked at him, thinking. He had known all along.

“I’m having these weird dreams..”

His eyebrow lifted, the corner of his mouth fluttering up.

“About me?”

“About that night and yes, about you.”

I couldn’t read his face as his eyes poured into mine. I broke away first, not able to stand his glare. He chuckled, turning his face forward as well.

“So…” I nudged him to say something.

“So…what? What do you want me to say?” he was genuinely asking.

“I don’t know,” I sighed, lowering my head, “just…something, anything. What was it? And why? It’s messing up my head!”

“Theo,” he stopped on his tracks. Grabbing my arm and spinning me around to face him, “it was a spur of the moment. We did things we normally wouldn’t have dared to do, I wouldn’t have dared to do. I’ve accepted it. Now it’s your turn.”

He looked sincere.

“Accepted what?”

“That I…feel things for you, things that I shouldn’t. I didn’t know how to handle it at first, but I learned, watched you bringing girls to our bus, did the same, enjoyed it as well. Don’t Get me wrong, I’m not gay, I love women, I really really like Vicky…there’s just something about you. Why? Maybe we’ve spent too much time together, I don’t know,” he smiled.

My skin tingled where he touched me, his words burning a hole into my brain. What was he saying? That he had feelings for me? Or that he simply wanted to fuck me senseless? What? My head thudded in my chest like a caged animal trying to get out. My mouth gaped open, no words coming out. It felt like every nerve in my body suddenly caught fire at the same time, leaving me breathless. My mind shut down completely.

This was my best friend and I couldn’t shake the feeling that he had ruined us forever.

“I don’t know what you will do with that information, to be honest. It’s up to you. Just know that I will always be your best friend, no matter what. I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t be late!”

He let go of my arm, chuckling a little at my bombed out expression, and moved along, leaving me standing in the middle of the sidewalk, gaping after him dumbfounded.

  
  


It took me a while to reach Adam’s house, sit into the car and drive off. His words kept running through my head, not hitting home in the slightest. I couldn’t think about it, not now, not when it was my last night in town, my last night with Anna. I was dead set on making it memorable. There was a time for doubts, but it wasn’t now.

  
  


“Honey, I’m home!” I called out when I walked in the front door.

“Oh, babe, I missed you!” she answered with a silly voice, running up to me from the livingroom, draping her hands around my neck and kissing my lips. Her enthusiasm made me chuckle.

“So how did it go?” she asked immediately.

I opened my mouth to answer, but closed it again. Worry shadowed her eyes, I needed to say something.

“It went okay, we’ll figure it out, really,” I calmed her down, even if it was just a half-truth.

“She grinned, accepting the fact that I didn’t want to share the details.

“Fine then, The Shining is on.”

She pecked my lisp and dragged me with her. I slumped down on the couch, laying back and stretching my legs. Anna laid down, resting her head on my lap.

“You do know that The Shining is one hell of a mindfuck?”

I chuckled, smoothing my hand down her hair, playing with the little strands. A sudden wave of adoration washed over me. She was like a cat, curled up beside me, seemingly so fragile but full of feist. I caressed a finger down her cheek.

“I love you.”

She glanced up at that, smiling.

“I love you too.”

She reached up, pulling me down into a tender kiss. I forgot all about the movie as her fingers laced through my hair. Her hand cupped my face, her thumb smoothing over my cheekbone. I moaned into her mouth.

“What about the movie?” I asked between kisses.

“Irrelevant,” she chuckled, “my mind is fucked already.”

She latched onto my neck, sitting up a little to gain better access. My hands ran over her back, eventually grabbing on to her sides as I lifted her onto my lap, capturing her lips once more.

“Upstairs?” I breathed, nibbling at her jaw.

She nodded, yelping a little as I crushed her to my chest, standing up and taking her with me. I couldn’t see where I was going, her kisses demanding my full attention. I knew my way around from memory, maneuvering towards the stairs and up to her room as she started unbuttoning my shirt, her hands shaking from anticipation. I threw her on the bed and crawled on top, loving the way she fidgeted under me. My clothes disappeared along with hers, some of the buttons popping off in the process. She hooked her legs behind my back and turned us over with one swift movement, her long hair tickling my face.

“I’ll be right back,” she whispered and was gone.

“Wha-?” was all I managed to say before she disappeared through the door.

I let my head fall back on the pillow, trying to control my breathing. My chest was heaving up and down, my vision blurred.

She was back in a minute, her hands behind her back as she walked smoothly towards the bed. She crawled on top of me, straddling my hips before bringing her hands into view. Her fingers were clasped into a tight fist as she lowered it to may stomach.

“Fuck!” I yelped as she opened it, pressing her palm flat against my skin, trapping the ice cube she was holding. My abdomen contracted uncontrollably. I hissed through my teeth, trying to adjust, but my body wasn’t co-operating. I reached up and pulled her down, rolling us over so the ice switched owners.

“Hey! It was my idea!” she yelped, her muscles tensing up.

“Exactly,” I sent her a cheeky smile before capturing the cube between my lips.

I dragged it up over her stomach and between her breasts, eliciting the sweetest sounds. Her fingers dug into the side of my head, her mouth slightly open, short breaths escaping her lungs.

“You love it, don’t you,” I grinned as the ice slid back down towards her bellybutton, melting on her hot skin. The only answer coming from her was a soft whimper as her back arched off the bed. She was so far gone.

I placed my finger on the ice when it stopped, continuing its journey downwards, slowly, admiring her blissed out expression. I didn’t stop at her naval, running it all the way down to her core.

“Holy shit!” she screamed, staggering up towards the headboard, burying her face in her hands.

“Theo, you twat!” she gasped, removing her hands to glare at me.

“What? You started it!” I chuckled, crawling on all fours to capture her lips. She smiled into the kiss, her hands moving up to my neck.

I grabbed her hips, dragging her down again. She laughed out loud, running her legs over my hipbones, the palms of her feet smoothing over the back of my thighs.

I entered her with one smooth thrust, burying myself deep. Her nails dug into my arms as she gasped out. I stayed that way for a moment, then pulled almost all the way out and thrust back in, repeating my movements in a slow pattern. It was torturous for me, slow and painful, but seemed to have a huge effect on her. I enjoyed seeing her squirm.

I couldn’t keep it up for long, my pace kicking up a nudge as I became more desperate. She gasped out with every thrust, half of them turning into low moans. I could hear myself groaning as well, having no control over my vocal chords.

Her legs tightened around me and before I could register what was happening, I was already on my back. Anna towered over me, her creamy body glowing in the dim light as she moved, her back arching, her head lolling back. My hands roamed up her body, touching everything they could reach. I followed her movements, thrusting up, getting an appreciative murmur in return.

She collapsed forward, still moving with me, her teeth chewing on my shoulder as she came. I dragged it out in long, languid thrusts, my legs trembling from the waves that washed over me. Little lights exploded behind my eyelids, temporarily replaced by a set of blue eyes. Eyes, that didn’t belong to my lover.


	24. Confusion

I woke up with Theo’s arms tight around my body. There was soft light coming in from behind the closed curtains, announcing it was time to wake up. I felt warm all over, my back pressed against his skin, both of us covered with a thick fluffy blanket. I could feel his hot breath on my neck. He was still for once, not shuffling around, not talking in his sleep.

I tuned to look at his face, slowly so I wouldn’t wake him. I loved his face, more so when it was relaxed, not aware of being watched. Short sighs escaped his lips, so quiet that they would’ve gone unnoticed if not for the utter silence around us. I couldn’t hold back a smile. No matter how tough he made himself look, he was still a teddy bear, cuddly and soft.

I brushed my lips over his scruffy chin, moving slowly down to the hollow of his neck. I tickled down his sides, counting his ribs that were expanding as he took in a deep breath. I brought my mouth to his, kissing his bottom lip at first, applying more pressure as he didn’t budge. A low moan rumbled through his chest as he parted his lips, responding to my actions, still half asleep.

“That’s a nice way to wake up,” he mumbled, kissing the corner of my mouth and burying his face in my neck as he hugged me tighter. He was still sleepdrunk.

“I know, babe,” I sighed, running my fingers through his messy hair, “when are you leaving?”

His body tensed for a moment, like I had reminded him of something he had forgotten or tried to forget.

“At noon. Our plane to Germany leaves at 2 but we need to sort out our equipment first.”

“Germany? Again? What’s with that, you always being there?”

“They’ve been good to us, plus I get to practice my German,” he chuckled, like there was an inside joke about it I didn’t know.

“Du bist bei mir and stuff like that?” I teased.

“Haa-haa, don’t act like your panties wouldn’t drop to the floor if I spoke dirty to you in German,” he huffed, nibbling on my neck.

“They would probably go up in flames,” I chuckled, pressing a firm kiss on his lips, “now let’s go, you’re not leaving this house on an empty stomach.”

  
  


He was absentminded while sitting behind the kitchen counter, watching me fix up a royal breakfast. His head was rested on his hand, his elbow on the table, his eyes thoughtful.

“You okay?” I asked, sitting down next to him, putting the plates down.

His eyes focused again as he sent me a warm smile.

“I’m fine, babe. I’m just thinking a week is a long time.”

I sighed. A week without having him around. It will be torture.

“I’m gonna miss you. But, think of the brighter side, you get to work things out with Adam! Ain’t that great?” I tried to sound positive.

His jaw clenched for a moment. I knew that the talk yesterday hadn’t gone precisely “okay” like Theo had said. Something was bothering him, I just hoped they would have come to terms by the time they got back.

“Yeah, it’s great,” he concurred without enthusiasm, biting into his toast and ending the uncomfortable conversation.

  
  


“I’m gonna call you every night,” he promised, hugging me to his chest and kissing the top of my head.

We were stood in the open doorway, his bag already packed into the car.

“You better!”

I tilted my head up, standing on my toes, and kissed his lips. I tried to remember the feel of him, the taste, something to think about while he was away. We were hungry, desperate, it felt like the goodbye kiss that it was.

“Mnmm..I’m gonna be late,” he mumbled, still molding our mouths together a second later.

I broke away, an unsatisfied whine coming from Theo’s side, and held him at arm’s length.

“You’re right. You have to go. I’ve kept you all for myself for so long, now I’ve got to share you with the world,” I smiled up at him sadly.

“Yeah, I’m just that awesome..” he quirked a smile, stealing another hasty kiss before letting go of me.

“I’m serious though, I’ll call you,” he promised.

“I’m serious too, I’ll kill you if you don’t.”

He chuckled and headed for the car, walking a few steps backwards before turning around.

  
  


***

  
  


I took in the sight of her, standing on her doorstep, before turning around, the taste of her lips still on my tongue. I savoured it for later, knowing I was gonna need it to get through the next week, what with Adam so close.

Adam.

The thought of facing him after his big revelation was terrifying. What would I say? Should I say anything at all? Or should I pretend it never happened?

I took off towards his apartment, sure that he was expecting me to pick him up as I still had his dad’s car. And indeed he was, standing in front of his house, looking decent as ever with his long black overcoat, a white shirt peeking out as the wind moved it. He dropped his bag in the back as I stopped and sat on the passenger side, as chipper as he had been yesterday.

“Good morning!” he smiled at me.

“Morning.”

My ingenuine half-smile didn’t satisfy him, a little frown appearing on his forehead.

“Don’t be like that! I can see you haven’t figured it out. Until then, let things be the way they were.”

“You mean pretend?” I scowled ahead, setting off.

“If you need to, yes!” he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I don’t know if I can do that,” I whispered.

“At least try,” he sighed, “for both our sakes.”

  
  


“I can’t believe you guys are late _again_!”Paul called out to us, a big box in his hands.

“Theo’s fault!” Adam raised his hands in defence.

“Sorry, my woman couldn’t let go of me,” I chuckled, hoping this was “normal”.

“Oooh, a little morning nookie?” Richard elbowed me.

“Something like that…” I grinned.

I heard Adam laugh as well. Was it genuine? Or was he just that good at hiding it? I didn’t get him at all! He was so approving of Anna, how could it be if he was actually thinking of me in all kinds of inappropriate ways at the same time? I made a mental note to ask him when it was the right time.

“So what can we do?” I asked, rubbing my hands together. Some physical work was just what I needed at that moment.

“You can lift Adam’s piano,” Pete chuckled, throwing the least wanted job gladly to us.

“But Adam’s back…” I started only to be cut off by an annoyed voice.

“Oh stop fussing! It was one time, and I didn’t have you to help me. Don’t worry I’m not gonna let you down again,” he huffed, pushing me towards the big black monstrosity, his hand lingering on my back a little longer than necessary.

  
  


For some reason we were all seated separately on the plane, the seat next to me was empty. I was just about to fall asleep when Adam slumped down on the empty space.

“My neighbour was snoring and scaringly close to drooling all over me,” he explained, grinning widely.

“Why are you so happy lately? It’s creeping me out,” I groaned, rubbing my sleep-heavy eyes.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “I guess it’s relief, for getting things off my chest. Like with releasing our album: it’s either good or bad now.”

I stared at him.

“Well no pressure then,” I scowled.

It was actually easier to talk about it than I had imagined. We had been best mates for years after all, something was bound to have stuck. In this case, easy communication, I didn’t feel uncomfortable around him.

“Is it okay if I stay here? I respect my clothes way too much for getting spit on by some old lady.”

“Yeah, sure. I was about to take a nap. Feel free, if you’re not hoping for a decent conversation,” I yawned, my eyes turning watery.

“No no, please, I’m gonna do the same.”

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. I stared at his face, his pale skin, freckles, sharp cheekbones, the little creases on his forehead adding character. I had never thought of him as handsome, but I had to admit he was a fine specimen.

“It’s not polite to stare,” he mumbled, smirking and opening one eye.

I quickly turned my face away, feeling the apples of my cheeks burn up. I was glad I was dark skinned enough for it to go unnoticed. I leaned back as well, resuming the slumber I had been in before Adam came along.

I don’t know how much time had passed, when suddenly I felt a warm weight pressing on my shoulder. I opened my eyes, finding Adam’s hair only inches away from my face. His head was resting on my shoulder, fallen or placed, I wasn’t sure. His breathing wasn’t deep enough though, so I assumed it was intentional. I poked his cheek with my finger, glancing around to make sure no one was staring.

“What?” he muttered drowsily.

“People will think we’re a couple if you do that.”

“ ‘Don’t care, ‘s comfy,” he mumbled, moving his head even further, settling in for good.

I smiled, shaking my head. I had to admit I had nothing against it, his weight was comforting in a way. I quirked a smile before leaning my cheek against his head. It was only fair I got something out of it as well.

  
  


“Hey, gaylords! We’re here,” Paul shook us awake, our heads snapping up as soon as we got our brains to function.

I laughed sarcastically, unbuckling my seatbelt and gathering up my stuff. Adam did the same. We went through the terminal, our bags crackling behind us on the clinical looking floor.

There were girls waiting for us after customs, cameras and flowers in their hands, giggling uncontrollably. It was always nice to see our music was appreciated, but sometimes it got a little tiring. We took pictures, signed countless CD’s. I watched Adam flirting with the girls. He always went for the young and sweet ones, even though he constantly talked about liking older women. This time was no different. He smiled to a dark-haired beauty, brown eyes and dimples matching her toned complection. I knew he was gonna invite her for a drink after the show, I had his routine all down. A sudden stab of jealousy overwhelmed me. I shook it off, returning my attention to the doe-eyed fan in front of me, resuming my duties and ignoring my best mate who was passionately pimping himself out, and succeeding by the looks of it.

  
  


“What about Vicky?” I asked, frowning at him.

We were walking to our rooms, they always put us next to each other in hotels.

“What about her?” he was confused.

“That girl, in the airport. You’re gonna see her tonight, aren’t you?”

“Possibly. But we’re not exclusive with Vicky, she understands my lifestyle,” he explained and narrowed his eyes, “you sure it’s about her? Are you jealous?”

His eyes went wide as he watched me, realization sinking in.

“You  _are_ , aren’t you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I mumbled, knowing he was right but unable to admit it.

“Alright, mate, if you say so,” he smiled to himself, sliding his roomkey through the lock and going in, “see you tonight.”

  
  


The atmosphere in the backstage was anxious. I was walking around in circles, fidgeting with my fingers, chewing on my lips until I could taste blood. There were so many people here tonight and they were all restless. The warming band apparently didn’t sit well with them. I just hoped we would be more to their liking.

I almost bumped into Adam when he suddenly appeared in front of me.

“Stop pacing, you’re making me nervous as well.”

“I can’t,” I sighed, “you know how I get. Be happy I’m not outside chain-smoking or something, I wouldn’t be able to sing after that”

He smiled, patting my cheek affectionately.

“Everything’s gonna work out just fine, it always does.”

And it did. The crowd went crazy when we walked on stage. German people are normally quite preserved, but tonight they let themselves go. It’s always better to perform to a more responsive crowd, you can feed off of their energy. Everything went as planned, perfect synergy, until Evelyn.

My stomach dropped when I saw it was next. It had always been one of the highlights, the moment I got to set my emotions free. Now all I could think about was Adam and the way he would no doubt lean against me.

My heart started beating faster the moment he left his piano. He came and stood next to me with his guitar, fingering it devotedly. I trashed my microphone, but it didn’t break. My hands were weak tonight and I knew the reason, he was stomping around the stage with me.

And then it came, the place in the song where everything went quiet, only my voice echoing through the room. I saw him from the corner of my eye, felt his breath against my neck, somehow felt his presence although he wasn’t touching me in any way. Not yet at least.

His blazing forehead connected with my temple, igniting fires throughout my body. Time stood still. I felt his nose brush against my cheek, dragging downwards, raising goosebumps. And then his lips brushed against my skin, just for a fraction of a second, but it was enough to plant several different scenarios in my head.

The way I could lean into him.

The way I could touch his face.

The way I could take him, crush my lips on his, devour him in front of all those people, thousands of onlookers witnessing our moment.

I crunched up my face and pushed him away with my head. I couldn’t think that way, I shouldn’t.

I vaguely heard the crowd going mental over Adam’s bravery, my own heartbeat muffling out everything else.

  
  


“What the fuck was that?” I hissed through my teeth, making sure no one else heard us, only the thin dressingroom door separating us from the others.

“What?” Adam played innocent, the little half-smile giving him away.

“That…kiss, you fucking kissed me in front of thousands of people!”

I was breathing heavily, panic squeezing my lungs together with unimaginable force.

“It was hardly a kiss, Theo. And they ate it right up. They fucking loved it! And so did you,” he stated it as a fact.

“I though we agreed to act normal for now,” I growled, not bothering to deny the obvious.

“I know, I just thought I’d give you something to think about,” he lifted his eyebrow and walked out on me. Again.

“Why does the last word always have to be yours?” I called after him, my voice not as angry as I wanted it to be. He was right. He had given me a great deal to think about and my head hurt already.

I sighed, took my hat and headed for the hotel. There was no way I was fit to go out tonight. Besides, a part of me wasn’t too excited to see Adam chat up that groupie of his. I needed some time to myself.

  
  


_I was back in the club, Adam’s hands holding my head in place as he crushed his lips on mine. I didn’t resist this time. I went with him willingly, pulling him closer until I could feel him against my thigh. I bit at his lips, the need for him growing stronger._

_Another set of hands ran up over my shirt from behind, a warm body pressing against_   _me. A smaller body, a body of a woman. I broke away from Adam, gasping for air, and turned around to find Anna standing there, biting her lip seductively. I molded our lips together, feeling Adam step closer. He was as turned on as I was._

_A hand snuck around my waist, covering my throbbing member, palming me through the fabric. I leaned back against him, my head falling on his shoulder, no air left in my lungs._

_We were in my room, our clothes gone, our naked bodies wrapped up in each other. I couldn’t tell whose tongue was in my mouth, whose hands on my ass, whose lips on my navel, who was teasing me, who I wanted it to be. I needed them both, I was so far gone I wouldn’t have said no to anything._

_We fell on the bed together. I could now make out Anna under me, her wild eyes looking up at me, begging me to make her come. I buried myself deep, feeling a set of warm hands on my back, smoothing up and down, getting lost in my crease every now and again. Anna was trashing under me, mewling like she had never done before, clenching around me._

_I gasped out as something bigger replaced Adam’s fingers, pressing up against me, sending me flying face forward into the mattress. Anna was gone, my teeth chewing on the sheets to keep me from screaming out. He was in me, spreading me wide, bringing forward sensations I had never felt before. I couldn’t tell if I liked all of them, my breath beaten out of me with every thrust. My body was contracting violently, throwing us both into the darkness where I could do nothing but feel, all my other senses temporarily misplaced._

I woke up, moaning out his name, my body covered in sweat. I could feel that the endgame of my dream had seeped into reality, ruining my sheets and my hand-eye coordination. Something needed to be done. Something, anything. I couldn’t go on like this, feeling the way I did. I had to see this thing through, even if the outcome would hurt one of us, or even all of us. It seemed worth it. 


	25. Indulgence Pt.1

The days went by in a haze, the uncontrollable need filling every single one of them. Every time I saw him, my body came to life, the memory of the dream flashing before my eyes. We both tensed every time we happened to pass each other, our looks burning into each other.

Adam noticed something had changed in me and was braver because of it, daring to touch me while no one was looking, making my breathing go all wonky. We were still in that unclassified stage though, not intimate but not just friends either. It was exciting, making me feel like I was a teenager again, the weird links in my brain working overtime, making up scenarios in my head. It left me staring blankly into nothingness until someone came along and called me back to earth, usually accompanied by a joke about me missing my woman. I felt guilty every time it happened, wishing it actually was Anna I was thinking about. I loved her, more than I had loved anyone, but there was some gravitational pull between me and Adam, making it impossible to resist him. All I could think about was his lips on mine, his creamy skin under my touch, him buried…

“You coming tonight?” his voice cut my daydream short.

The little pun didn’t go unnoticed for neither of us. I smirked, then felt uncomfortable immediately for thinking those things when he was standing right in front of me.

“Yeah, of course, it’s our last night here, time to celebrate.”

I smiled up at him, knowing tonight will set things straight between us. I needed things to change before we got back home, which ever way it was meant to go.

“Wonderful,” he looked genuinely happy, maybe he hoped I was going to finally make up my mind as well, “I’ll come by your room then, we can go together.”

I looked after him as he left, unconsciously checking out his ass. This was beginning to feel an awful lot like a date.

  
  


A soft knock on my door startled me. I glanced in the mirror one last time, smoothing over my best suit, and went to open it.

Adam stood there like a Greek god, his otherwise always perfect hair a little messy, making him look like he had just woken up. I suspected it was intentional, he was too much of a control freak to leave things like that unnoticed. He eyed me from head to toe, the way I had just done to him, biting on his lip.

“Bloody hell, you look hot!” he exclaimed, then realized what he had just said out loud and blushed a little, “I mean…nice suit.”

I chuckled, finding his sudden shyness amusing.

“You don’t look too bad yourself. Shall we go?”

He nodded, stepping aside and letting me lead the way.

  
  


“Don’t you two look sharp tonight! What’s the occasion?” Richard bellowed when we joined them at the club.

The room was full, loud music bouncing off the walls, colourful lights making it hard to recognize anyone.

“No special occasion,” Adam smiled, shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you two were trying to get laid tonight,” Paul narrowed his eyes.

I coughed, my throat suddenly tightening up. Adam saw me in trouble and saved the situation.

“I am, actually. Theo’s just my wingman.”

My coughing turned into a chuckle, my eyes watery.

“That’s right, turns out they have a very understanding relationship with Vicky,” I elbowed Adam, the guys laughing along with me.

“I need a drink,” Adam scowled, heading to the bar and dragging me with him .

He didn’t grab my elbow like friends usually did, he took hold of my hand, lacing our fingers together. I forgot our mates, focusing on his warm skin against mine, his firm grip on me.

“That’s a good strategy! Women like gay guys!” I heard someone shout after us, but I didn’t care. I squeezed back, letting him know I appreciated what he was doing.

We stopped at the bar, standing shoulder to shoulder so no one saw that our hands were still linked under the counter. Adam’s thumb started drawing little circles on the back of my hand, raising goosebumps all over my body. I smoothed over his knuckles with my fingers in return, feeling him tense up and relax again beside me. He glanced at me, a question shimmering in his eyes

“I asked what do you guys want to order?” the bartender shouted at us, not for the first time apparently, but we had been too caught up in staring at each other to notice.

“Gin und tonic,” I blurted out in German without taking my eyes off the man beside me.

“Double,” Adam added, doing the same.

The bartender placed the drinks down in front of us, clearly not bothering to talk to us again as we wouldn’t have noticed anyway.

I downed my drink, studying his face.

His eyes, running over my features, the black slowly but gradually taking over the bright blue as his pupils dilated.

His skin, glowing in the dimness, painted a different colour every time the lights hit him.

His lips, slightly glistening from his tongue running over them every now and then, making me want to claim him every time he did it.

I squeezed his hand tighter, breathing in deep through my nose and out through my mouth before leaning in and saying what I had to, what I needed to.

“Outside, now.”

I heard myself speak, my voice low and unfamiliar. I was breathing heavily, my heart beating fast from the anticipation. Adam’s eyes turned black instantly, his breath hitching in his throat, his mouth gaping slightly open. His stare burned into me, that little question still there, like he wasn’t sure I meant what I had just said. I needed to show him, to convince him.

I took off, dragging him behind me towards the exit. I wasn’t gonna get far the way I was now, the need for him turning my vision red, so I shoved our way though the crowd blocking the doorway and ran. We didn’t need to run far to get away from the prying eyes, the next alley providing perfect privacy.

I shoved him against the brick wall, beating the breath out of him. His eyes were fixated on my mouth. He was pressed firmly between the wall and my chest, his face so close to mine I could feel his ragged breaths on my skin. I leaned in, brushing my lips over his, enjoying the way he tried to follow me when I pulled away.

I knew I was teasing him, I also knew how impatient he was, I was just waiting for him to crack and take control. I didn’t have to wait long.

He trapped my head between his hands, pressing a lingering kiss on my lips, checking my reaction. When Ismiled encouragingly, he sighed, devouring my mouth, our kisses loud and wet. His tongue ran along my bottom lip, searching for a way in. I gave into him, letting him do as he pleased.

His hands left my face as he was sure I wasn’t gonna shrug away, smoothing down my sides and on to my ass, pulling me close. I could feel him hard against me, his hips creating delicious friction, making me gasp into our kiss.

Then the images in my head took a turn, Anna’s face flashing before my eyes, the guilt overwhelming me. I pushed away forcefully. Adam tried to keep our lips molded together as he followed my movements, but was ripped free with a smack, my arms keeping him as far away as they managed.

“Wait…stop,” I breathed out, my heart ramming against my ribs.

Adam watched me, confused, his lips glistening and swollen.

“What?” he asked, his hand cupping my face.

“I…I can’t do this. I can’t do this to Anna,” I pleaded with my eyes for him to understand.

“You’re never gonna get over this if we don’t try. You know that. It would be unfair to her either way,” he rambled, trying to pull me close again, but failed as my hands restrained him.

“No…I can’t.”

He had to understand. I needed him to understand.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” his eyes were wide, disappointment clouding his face. I saw that he was aroused out of his mind already.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed, and ran. Away from him, away from the privacy of the alley, away from what I really wanted but was afraid to admit. I knew denying it would cost me, but I couldn’t. I had to get away.

  
  


***

  
  


I slammed the door of my room shut, anger making my movements rough and uncontrolled. I couldn’t believe he had done that, just left me hanging in that alley. Everything had gone so perfectly, he had finally given in to me, finally indulged, and then everything fell apart. He thought too much, he always had.

I threw my coat on the chair and glanced down. I had a raging hard-on demanding immediate attention, but no one here to give it. With a sigh I started unbuttoning my shirt, hoping a cold shower would help.

  
  


I had just shrugged out of my pants when a frantic knock on the door caught my attention. I went to open it, slipping behind it to hide my inappropriate attire from whoever was on the other side. I couldn’t get a word out before Theo pushed in past me. He put his hands behind his head, bringing his elbows forward to hide his face as he rambled, his back to me, the pacing making my head swim. I closed the door behind him, not interested in anybody outside this room seeing or hearing whatever was about to unravel.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he sighed, sitting down on his heels, still not looking at me.

“You’re sorry?” I asked incredulously, “For what exactly? For playing hard to get? For torturing me day in and day out? For leaving me hanging in a deserted alley? What?”

My anger was back and stronger than ever.

“All of those things,” he sighed, finally standing up and turning to face me, “I was…”

His eyes widened as he took in my appearance, his gaze roaming over every inch, finally fixating on my crotch. The little piece of black fabric didn’t leave much to the imagination.

“…wrong,” he finished, his eyes flickering up to my face.

We stared at each other for what seemed like forever. My heart started beating faster again, Theo’s wild expression sirring something deep inside me. I knew that look. I had seen it before, pressed up against a wall, right before he kissed me.

Theo took two steps towards me, hesitating for a moment, trying to figure out how mad I was exactly. He the took one more, his nose bumping against mine, our foreheads crashing. His face crunched up, a shudder running down my spine at the sight of it.

“Take me,” he growled, his breath caressing my lips.

“You sure?” I asked, my mouth already parting and inching closer.

He didn’t answer, slipping his tongue between my lips instead, molding into my shape, rubbing against me. My hands flew to his hips, guiding him along, then tugged at his shirt, ripping it out of his pants. His skin felt soft and warm as I ran my fingers up his sides, eliciting goosebumps as he shuddered under my touch.

“Bed,” I breathed between kisses, guiding him back until his knees hit the side of the mattress and we fell down on top of it. I supported my weight, afraid of crushing him, one of my hands running up over his bare chest that was peeking out between the open shirt. He arched into my touch as his teeth nibbled on my neck, a little whine escaping his lips. He was so responsive to everything I did, fueling my passion for him even more. I had never wanted someone as much as I wanted him at that moment. Of course, I had never wanted a man that way either. It was new and exciting, I was glad it was my best friend who I got to share it with.

I kissed his lips, moving down over his chin and the hollow of his neck, flicking my tongue out every now and then. His chest was moving up and down in laboured breaths as I kissed it, dragging a line over his abdomen with my nose as I moved lower. I bit at the soft skin there as I opened his belt, my fingers a little shaky from the adrenaline running through my veins. The soft moans rumbling from his throat spurred me on as I ribbed his trousers off in one swift movement. He sat up, shrugging out of his shirt, searching for my lips.

I chuckled against his mouth, making him frown.

“What?” he growled, his hands slowly caressing down my back until his fingers slipped under the band of my boxers.

“Nothing…I just love seeing you that needy,” I mumbled, laying him down again.

“You made me that way. Now shut up and kiss me.”

He wrapped a hand behind my neck and dragged me down. His mouth moved against mine like it was made for it, we were so in tune.

My hand wandered down, under the last piece of fabric covering him, palming everything he had. He let out a shameless moan, his hips stuttering up. I went lower, letting my finger run through his crease before breaching his body. His neck arched, his mouth open, his breath stuck in his throat. He was contracting around my finger, the thought of him doing that to my cock made my vision blur. I slipped down, still working my finger in and out, and got rid of his boxers with my free hand. His naked body rippled under my touch, his back arching, his abdomen contracting, his chest glistening. I could only watch in awe.

I lowered my face to his groin, kissing the prominent vein.

“Fuck!” Theo whined, looking down in amazement.

I smiled up at him before taking him into my mouth. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but he seemed to enjoy it, his fingers lacing through my hair as my head went up and down.

“Shit, Adammm,” he moaned my name, trying to keep his hips from flying up.

He was close, the way he was clenching down on my finger. I couldn’t let that happen, not yet.

I took my hand and mouth away, an unsatisfied whimper coming from Theo’s side. His eyes were begging me to make him come. I happily obliged.

I crawled back up, removing my own boxers in the process. Theo’s eyes were half-closed, his nostrils flaring, pearls of sweat dripping down his temples.

I kissed him before bringing my mouth to his ear.

“Turn around,” I whispered, wiping a rebellious strand of hair back from his forehead.

A glint of fear flashed through his eyes. I kept forgetting it was as new to him as it was for me.

“I’ll go slow, don’t worry,” I reassured him, brushing my lips over his.

He hesitated, but did as he was told. After everything, he still trusted me completely.

I kissed the nape of his neck, wrapping my arms around his lean waist, and hauled him up to all fours. He tried to look back over his shoulder as I positioned myself, resting my hand on his hip. His head fell forward as I pushed in, an animalistic groan riping his lungs apart. The resistance was unbelievable. I worked myself in one centimeter at a time, my eyes watering up from the sensation. Slowly I buried myself up to the hilt, staying that way for a while, until he relaxed a little around me. I pulled gradually out, thrusting back in, a groan escaping my lips. He was so tight it was almost painful the way he clamped down on me. Almost.

  
  


***

  
  


Adam’s grunting was the only sound I could hear besides my own panting. He had been relatively quiet until now, letting me do most of the vocals. He was moving in and out of me, going deeper with every thrust. It had been painful at first, but now…now I wanted more.

I rocked back against him, aware of the sounds I was making. It was exactly like my dream, his hands running up and down my back as he filled me over and over again, only better. My imagination hadn’t done it justice.

The smacking sounds my thighs were making when colliding with his were distracting me. It needed to change.

“Turn…” I breathed, unable to say anything else.

Adam heard me, pulled out and grabbed my waist, throwing me on my back. He was on top of me a moment later, dragging my legs up over his hips as he thrust back in, never losing his pace.

I could see him now, touch him, kiss him. He was lost in himself, rocking with me, breathing heavy and shallow. I pulled him closer with my legs, biting down on his collarbone, my hands squeezing his ass, my blunt fingernails digging into his skin.

He collapsed on top of me when his limbs gave out, still moving his pelvis as he moaned into my neck. Everything went white for a moment when I came violently between us, feeling Adam pulsate inside me as he followed, his teeth ripping at my neck.

We stayed like that for a while, tangled up, chests heaving, the heat between us unmeasurable. Sweat was pearling up everywhere we touched. Adam slipped to the side eventually, his limp body falling on the sheets, his eyes closed. I watched his face, his lips slightly parted, deep breaths moving in and out.

“Wow…” he sighed, opening his eyes and smiling at me.

“Yeah,” I answered dumbly.

“It’s true isn’t it? Singers do it louder,” he chuckled, lacing our fingers together and kissing the back of my hand.

“And guitarists finger faster?” I teased, receiving a playful punch in my shoulder and a lingering kiss on my lips.

“Tonight was…wow,” he huffed, smirking at me.

“Tonight is far from over,” I lifted my eyebrow, rolling on top of him, his surprised expression making me chuckle.


	26. Indulgence Pt.2

“You’re still hard?” Adam looked down in amazement.

I chuckled. It wasn’t a question, he could feel it against his stomach.

“I  _am_  younger than you,” I murmured, nibbling at his jawline, “And you worked me up pretty good.”

He smiled widely, his teeth clearly visible.

“You’re adorable,” I sighed, flicking my tongue over his palate.

He smoothed over my back as he molded our lips together, the game continued.

His tongue was soft and wet, moving with mine in intricate patterns. I could’ve just stayed like that, on top of his naked body, kissing him forever, but the need didn’t let me. It had softened a little since the night started, but it was still there, guiding my every move.

I pressed myself closer, rubbing up against him. His hands travelled up over my back and knotted in my hair, pulling at the strands, making me hiss. My teeth bit at his lips. I wanted to make him mine, but he wasn’t ready yet. It was up to me to make sure he was.

He had done it to me, it was only fair I returned the favour. My hand travelled down, caressing over the fine line in the middle of his abdomen. His muscles contracted under my touch, knowing what was to come, his kisses becoming more desperate.

I placed my hand against his skin, palming him, enjoying the feel of him. He gasped against my lips, hot breath washing over my face. I broke our kiss, licking down over his chin, his fingers still running through my hair. I left a trail of kisses on his chest, biting on the fuming damp skin.

I took hold of him, running my hand up and down along his length, squeezing him between my fingers. His hips jerked up as I breathed over him, letting him know I was close. He glanced down as I kissed the tip, a shiver running through his body. His mouth opened in tune with mine as I took him in, hollowing my cheeks. I let my body do what came naturally, knowing that too much thinking always ended up ruining everything. There didn’t seem to be any wrong moves judging by the sounds he was making.

His hips angled up slightly, making me cough.

“Sorry,” he groaned, beating his head back down, his eyes squeezed shut.

“ ‘s okay,” I smiled, licking my lips and crawling back on top of him. He was ready now, I could see it in his eyes, the way he pleaded for me to do something, anything, to make the torture end.

His knees came up over my waist, locking me in a tight hold, his hips stuttering up to meet my flesh. I shied away, keen on making this last. I slipped my hand lower instead, over his now hard length, down to his ass, squeezing it before pressing my fingers at his entrance. He held his breath as I worked it inside, his eyes burning into me. We were communicating without words, I knew exactly what he wanted. I moved it in little circles, making him arch his head back, baring his neck to me. I watched the muscles in it stretch, his Adam’s apple move as he tried to swallow, his pulse beating fast. He was so alive, more alive than I had ever seen him. And I made him that way. He was squirming under my touch, every move I made pushing him further away from reality.

I pulled my hand away, hiking his legs higher up my sides. He was panting, little moans escaping his lips with every breath. It was his turn to be vocal.

I rested myself at his entrance, locking our eyes, looking for a sign of protest, not finding it. All I could see was a plea, and unnecessary plea to take it slow. I remembered clearly how painful it had been at first. I didn’t want to make it hard for him, I didn’t want to hurt him.

I preached his body, encountering a forceful resistance. I grunted, my elbows buckling as my limbs went weak from the storm of sensations attacking my nervous system. Adam arched his back, lifting my body up as his chest collided with mine. I cupped his face, thumbing his cheekbone, and looked into his clouded eyes as I pressed further in. I went as slow as I could without losing my mind completely.

I stilled my movements when I was fully engulfed, letting him relax a little. I pushed his hair away from his forehead, pressing a kiss there instead. His hands caressed lightly down over my back, barely touching the skin. He rested them on my asscheeks, leaving them there for a while before sharply pulling me closer, burying me deeper. His mouth fell open as he nuzzled my neck, murmuring in my ear to move.

I obliged, pulling out almost all the way before thrusting forward again, Adam’s body clamping down on me uncontrollably. Every nerve-ending in my body caught fire, making everything blurry, except his face. I could still see him under me, clearer than ever. His eyes glazed over as I thrust inside over and over again, his mouth opening in a silent scream. Our movements were slow, intimate, nothing like the animalistic act we had indulged in earlier. He hugged me closer, my face resting on the crook of his neck, only my hips moving forward in languid thrusts. His body tensed every time, preparing for the wave that was about to hit him.

I caught his intentions too late, finding myself on my back and staring at the ceiling. He had rolled us over, never detaching from me, keeping our bodies connected. He sat up, his torso towering over me, enabling me to see everything, touch everything, feel everything.

He placed a hand on my thigh, rolling his hips back and forth, staying fully seated. I grabbed his hips, thrusting up into him, watching him unravel before me. His black eyes disappeared under his eyelids as he lolled his hed back, rocking on top of me, one of his hands sliding towards his neglected member.

I swatted it away, sitting up and thrusting into him more forcefully. His head snapped back, staring at me, one of his hands wrapping around my shoulders. His mouth crashed on mine, our teeth colliding, a tear rolling down my face as the thin line between pain and pleasure disappeared.

I lifted him him up by his waist, letting him fall back down as I met him half way. Our movements sped up, the finish line almost in reach. He rode me frantically, his forehead pressed against mine, his eyes seeing nothing. I pulled him close as I toppled over the edge, his walls collapsing around me as he came hotly over my stomach. He rode it out, a scream ripping through his body, no doubt echoing down the corridor.

  
  


My head was rested on his chest, his heartbeat bounding in my ear, his arms around me. We were slick with sweat and god knows what else, thoroughly fucked, in every sense of the word, unable to finish a thought, one melting into another with no control over it.

What had we just done? Was it right? It certainly felt right. What happens now? Did anyone hear us? Did anyone see? Do they suspect anything? What was Adam thinking right now? Did he enjoy it? I knew  _I_  did, I just wasn’t sure where to go from here.

“Theo…” his voice rumbled through his body.

I lifted my head, resting my chin on his chest, meeting his eyes.

“Yeah?”

He hesitated before speaking.

“Don’t get me wrong…tonight was _amazing_. Probably one of the best I’ve ever had but…I don’t see it happening again. Maybe we just had to get it out of our system?”

I sighed, relief washing over me. It felt like he was in my head, speaking my mind.

“Oh thank god,” I smiled, cupping his cheek, “I was afraid I was gonna hurt your feelings or worse. It  _was_  wonderful, exciting, mindblowing…”

I chuckled, blushing a little as Adam’s face lit up.

“…but, what we had was like a fever, burning bright and hot, but not meant to last.”

“You and your words..” he sighed, running his fingers through my hair, pulling me up for a soft kiss.

This felt right, even though tonight was probably never gonna repeat itself. We had bent and broken down all the physical and mental barriers. What used to be a brotherly friendship, full of awkwardness when ever it came to expressing our feelings, would never be the same after that night. We were in each other’s arms, sharing a tender kiss, naked and spent, and it didn’t feel wrong in any way. We could enjoy each other’s company without the need blinding our judgement. It had dissolved into nothingness, leaving an empty space in our hearts, a space that could now be filled with love and respect for each other. We were friends without benefits again, our bond stronger than ever.  


	27. Aftermath

I loved the way he held me, a little possessively, not too tight but not tender either, just enough to make me feel safe. My nose was pressed against his chest, his warm arms wrapped around me, his breath tickling the top of my head. I had woken up a little earlier, being more of a morning person than Adam was. I was glad to get the chance to just slumber, not thinking about anything outside this bed, outside this room, outside our little bubble.

Adam stirred in his sleep, tightening his hold on me, sighing softly. I pressed my cheek against his chest, scratching my fingers over the back of his neck. There was a fluttering feeling in my stomach, the way happiness felt when it hit you hard and unannounced. I held my breath until it passed, knowing the pathetic sound it would have produced.

I might have dozed off for a while, I wasn’t sure. It felt like a dream already. Last night was imprinted in my mind, every kiss, every touch, every feeling, every image. I could never look at Adam the same way again, not after seeing him that way, hovering over me, his eyes dark and wild, his body radiating heat and lust.

“Good morning,” his sleepy mumbling snapped me back to the present.

His hand cupped my cheek, trapping my head in a gentle hold, his thumb caressing over my cheekbone.

“Morning,” I answered, snuggling closer.

“I don’t want to move.”

He shared my thoughts.

“Then let’s not. We don’t need to be back till…when do we need to be back?” I had totally forgotten what time we had to leave and return to the real world.

“I have no fucking idea. And I don’t care,” he sighed, I could feel his lips on my hair.

This didn’t feel like something else than two very close friends sharing a tender moment. Yes, it would have looked weird to anyone else walking in on us, but we knew what it was and what it wasn’t. There was no need for unnecessary words and defining labels.

The reality sunk in slowly, overtaking my brain and leaving no room for anything else. New feelings overwhelmed me, making me shiver.

“What’s wrong?” Adam asked, lifting my head from his chest so he could see my face. Our noses stayed connected.

“I feel guilty. More than I’ve ever felt. It hurts.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, letting a wheezing breath out through my teeth, holding back tears. I had never cried in front of Adam, I wasn’t gonna start now. One stubborn tear still managed to get out, disappearing into the pillow quickly.

Adam wiped it away with his thumb, pressing a comforting kiss on my forehead.

“It’s gonna be fine. We’ll figure it out. We’ll come up with something to tell her together, I’ll help you.”

I quirked a sad smile, resting my forehead to his and sighing deeply. It was gonna be alright. All of it. Adam always knew what to say, what to do. It was gonna be fine.

“So…you think I should tell her everything?” I asked.

He was thoughtful for a while, probably weighing all our options.

“No. I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’s not like it will ever happen again. What’s the point in hurting her for no reason. I think we should act like nothing happened, we’re just friends.”

I sighed in relief. Maybe I was selfish, but the prospect of facing Anna and telling her everything, watching the hurt in her eyes, was terrifying. She was right, I was a coward after all.

“Okay. I’m down with that. It’s our secret,” I smiled, running a finger over his cheek.

He pressed a kiss on my lips like it was the most natural thing in the world and let go of me, shrugging out from under the blanket.

“I need a shower,” he answered my puzzled gaze, standing up and walking to the bathroom, shamelessly naked. He paused before disappearing, “you coming?”

I hesitated. It wasn’t like we hadn’t taken a shower together before, but it had always been in public places, never in a tiny cubicle in a shared bedroom. I shook it off. It was convenient, saving water and time. I couldn’t deny the logic.

I followed him, finding him already under the shower. He had left the shower door slightly open for me, knowing I would come. His back was to me, the water running over his head and down his back as he just stood there, enjoying the warmth.

“There isn’t much room here,” I chuckled as I pulled the door closed, forced to stand so close to Adam we almost touched.

He turned around, holding his hands tight to his sides as not to knock me out.

“You have a problem with that?” he sent me a cheeky grin, glancing down.

“Staring is not polite,” I raised an eyebrow, feeling a little uncomfortable.

“What? It’s not like I haven’t seen it before…” he shrugged his shoulders, grabbing the shower gel from the shelf.

I blushed a little, it was still strange. His hands grabbed my shoulders and spun me around, his fingers kneading out the tension in them while soaping my back. I let my head fall forward, he had some skills. When he was done with my back, his hands snaked around me to start work on my chest.

“I’m not six you know, I could do it myself,” I laughed, rather enjoying him taking care of me like that.

“I don’t mind,” he murmured near my ear as he moved on to my arms.

I didn’t either. I watched as his slender fingers ran over my skin, the little flutter returning to my stomach. I couldn’t make anything of it as it was new to me, so I just smiled, enjoying the sensation.

“I ain’t moving lower,” he chuckled, letting go of my hand and turning me around again, his blue eyes shining.

“Didn’t ask you to,” I answered, running my hands up over his chest, returning the favor.

I could feel his eyes studying my face as I worked, my fingers tracing the curves of his body. His white was in high contrast to my tanned skin. Somehow he always managed to stay that way no matter what country we visited or how long we stayed.

I tuned him around, tracing the curve of his back, straightening up his hunched shoulders by force, eliciting a groan.

“I’m sore all over,” he mumbled, stretching his neck from side to side.

“And you’re surprised by that?” I asked, referring to our escapades.

His shoulders shook as he laughed, shaking his head a little.

“Not one bit. You’re quite the wild one in bed, aren’t you?”

His words were forward, no shame in them whatsoever.

“Anna said I occasionally turn into a sex-maniac,” I remembered her face when she said it. I missed her.

Adam laughed, glancing over his shoulder.

“So it’s not just me then, huh? Will keep that in mind if I ever need leverage against you.”

“Oh shut up you,” I mumbled, slapping my hand flat against his back, making him wince.

 


	28. Homecoming (A)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adam's POV

My heart ached. It had been only a week, but it felt like months. I had understood how much I really relied on him, how much he meant to me, how used to I had gotten to having him around. I thought about him every time I waited for sleep in my empty bed, every time I woke up alone and every minute during the lonely days. Yes, I was often with friends, not sulking around in my deserted house, but they were substitutes, a welcomed distraction, something I needed at that moment, but would’ve given up in a heartbeat just to see him stepping into the room, his sly smile, his shining eyes, his presence that radiated joy and playfulness. My body ached for him as much as my mind did, giving me dreams I could not, and did not want to control.

The torture was almost over. Tonight. He was coming home tonight.

I could imagine it, him stepping in, sweeping me off my feet, kissing me passionately, murmuring how much he loved me before making love to me. It was so vivid, so real, making me question whether it was actually the reality and this torture an unpleasant dream. I even pinched myself, disappointed to find I was actually awake.

My heart did a somersault every time a car passed by. I was sitting on the edge of the seat, biting my nails, a habit I was not proud of. I clenched my fingers into two tight fists to protect what was left of my nail beds, distracting myself by gazing around the room. It didn’t help.

I detected the little changes Theo’s presence had made in this house. A folded jacket on the arm of the chair; a white shirt loosely thrown on the couch, left there and forgotten; some CD’s stacked on the table, the labels naming bands I had never heard of; strange movies spread out in front of the TV, a clear indication of his peculiar personality. They all told me a story, a fact or two about him, a memory, a smell. I knew I was being silly, a lovesick little girl, too dependent on her man, but I couldn’t help it. He had made me weak, but somehow I didn’t mind.

The sound of a car door slammed shut reached my ear, snapping my head up, sending my heart into a frenzy. I jumped up from the couch, gazing out the window to confirm my suspicions. There he was, eyeing my house, straightening his jacket and taking a breath before starting off towards the door. I was too excited to notice the hesitation in his eyes, the slight confusion, the fear and a glint of hope, wishing I wasn’t gonna snoop or demand details.

I opened the door before he could knock, beaming from ear to ear, throwing my hands around his surprised frame. He chuckled as his hand cupped my head, his nose snuggling into my neck and breathing in my scent, renewing his memory.

“Welcome home, love” I sighed, melting into his shape.

“It’s good to be home,” he murmured, brushing his lips over the delicate skin.

I let him go, holding him at arm’s length.

“Let me look at you, young man. You’ve lost weight!” I whined, referring to his already small frame looking more fragile than ever.

“I was too distracted, I forgot to eat,” he smiled sheepishly.

“Missing me?” I asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Of course,” he laughed, kissing my lips.

His smile looked strange, tight and cramped, like it didn’t truly reach his eyes. I dismissed it for exhaustion, my mind jumping to rational conclusions that suited me best.

“Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat..” I started off towards the kitchen but was pulled back before I could finish my trail of thought.

“No, no. I’m fine. I’m just awfully tired. Could we just…relax?” he pulled me into a hug, holding on for dear life.

“Of course, babe. Come on,” I guided him up to my room. It was still early, but I had no idea what his mental schedule had been like. Maybe he hadn’t had any sleep last night at all.

His back was hunched, his feet dragging, his eyes almost falling shut as his head tilted forward. He shrugged off his suit when we reached the bedroom, starting work on his shirt, but thought better of it as he fell face forward onto the bed, sighing deeply.

“I missed this bed,” his voice came muffled and under breath, his feet tangling over the edge of the mattress.

“This bed doesn’t like shoes in it,” I chuckled, pulling them off as he was not responding, tucking his legs under the blanket.

I watched the Theo-shaped lump on my bed, shaking my head. He was totally out of it, like his batteries had been sucked dry. I had the sudden urge to cuddle him, crawling in next to him with my clothes still on, huddling close.

I watched his face, it looked exactly how I remembered it, with all the little oddities. The sharp nose, the exquisite eyebrows, the little scar under his lower lip, the soft web running down over his cheek, barely noticeable but still so clearly part of him. His closed eyelids, long eyelashes framing them, fanning out over his cheeks. His eyes moving slightly underneath as he dreamed. His lips, thin and thick at the same time, depending on his mood. And freckles, everywhere, making his skin seem darker than it actually was. I started counting them, noticing new ones where I had never seen them before.

Theo’s breathing was deep, his lips slightly open, the huffs of hot air caressing my face as our noses were inches apart. The details of him had remained the same, but there was something different, something I couldn’t pinpoint. He was so relaxed opposed to his usually tense structure. His dreams were calm and peaceful, not making him sweat or wake up panting. It was like a heavy burden had been lifted from his shoulders, like his heart had thrown away everything negative, leaving only good things behind. I wondered. What had caused these changes in him? Was it just that he was happy to be home? Or was it something more, something he hadn’t told me?

I hoped they had worked out everything with Adam. I couldn’t bare the thought of them fighting, they were best friends, they needed each other. I cared for both of them, I didn’t want to see them separated and sad. Maybe this was the cause for the change? They had made up and Theo was just happy it was over?

I was very curious about how they solved it. The thought of them together made my toes tingle. If I wasn’t so hopelessly in love with Theo, I might have encouraged them to take their friendship to another level. I shook those thoughts away, it would never happen. At least I thought it wouldn’t…

I touched the corner of his mouth with my fingertips, brushing over his skin like a feather, feeling the little creases and hairs. It tickled my nerve endings, eliciting goosebumps. I replaced my fingers with my lips, planting little kisses all over his face, ending with his lips. He was in deep sleep, oblivious to my actions, and I wanted to keep it that way. He was in desperate need of a good rest. I was happy to slumber next to him, just his presence keeping me from feeling lonely.

I rested my face under his chin, breathing in his scent. He was mine and I was his. It was meant to be.

  
  


_We were dancing. Theo’s arms were around my waist, mine around his neck. We were moving slowly, swaying from side to side, looking at each other, smiling. I didn’t know where we were, but I knew we were alone, just the two of us in the entire world, nothing existed beyond our little bubble._

_He kissed me, his soft lips caressing mine, his breath hitching as mine stopped altogether. Every touch was electrifying, my entire body tingling like it was zapped by static._

_His teeth nibbled at my lip before moving on to my jaw, the tip of his tongue flicking out at my skin. His fingers brushed over my neck before moving down again, over my chest and stomach. He breathed into my mouth before molding our lips together again, his tongue dancing with mine. A little moan escaped into the room._

_He tore away from me, burying his face in my chest, kissing the little valley between my breasts, my clothes seemingly disappeared. Maybe they hadn’t been there from the beginning. My hands grabbed his head, lacing my fingers through his hair._

My eyes flew open, my body on fire. I looked down, finding that reality had seeped into my dream, Theo’s actions guiding the direction it took. He smiled up at me, his lips glistening. He had stripped me without me noticing, doing the same to himself.

“What the…” I gasped, deciding it was better to shut up when his hands continued their journey over my body.

He was lying practically on top of me, his chest resting on my stomach, his legs tangling over the foot of the bed. There was a playful tingle in his eyes as he kissed his way down, over my bellybutton, inside my thighs, his hands resting on my hipbones. He gazed up at me, letting me know what was about to happen.

He flicked his tongue out, teasing me, testing if I was okay with it. My back arched off the bed, the new sensation catching me off guard. No one had ever gone down on me, I didn’t know what to expect. He was encouraged by my reaction, diving in without hesitation. I held my teeth tightly together to avoid sounding like I was in pain, when in fact it felt quite the opposite. He put his fingers into play as well, humming, pleased with himself, driving my body straight over the edge, my limbs grabbing at everything they could find, my muscles shaking, my voice breaking loose from behind my teeth, a loud moan bouncing off the walls.

He crawled back up along my whimpering body, a wide grin stretching his lips. He was clearly pleased with what he had done and how I had reacted to it. He licked his lips, biting down on them while gazing down at me, admiring the view.

“I love seeing you lose yourself to me,” he murmured, pecking my lips and brushing the wild strands of hair away from my face.

I opened my heavy eyes, smiling sheepishly up at him, blushing from head to toe. What he had just done felt so intimate, so private, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

“That was…new,” I mumbled, puzzled by his bravery.

He just chuckled, kissing my collarbone, smoothing his hand down my side. His eyes went somewhere else for a second, so briefly that I blamed it on my mushed braincells. Then he was all the way present again, his eyes dark and pouring into mine.

His nose crunched up as he pressed into me, slowly, all the way, aligning our bodies. Our hearts beat as one, our breathing synchronized, our eyes locked. He stilled, filling me completely, making me feel safe and protected. We fit together.

He started moving again, with long forceful thrusts, pausing between every one, eating my face with his eyes, reading every expression, every emotion. My mouth was gaped open, my head slightly lolled back, breath continuously beaten out of me. It was raw, instinctive, like our minds had shut down, leaving our bodies picking up the slack. Cold sweat pearled my forehead as my body heated up.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, helping him deepen his movements, lending him my strength as I had no need for it myself. He groaned, lowering his head on my shoulder, his thrusts getting gradually faster, more deliberate, set on the goal. His breathing came in raspy pants, his chest pressed against mine, only his hips continuing on auto pilot. I clawed at his back, my fingers digging into the soft flesh, feeling every muscle, every bone. I wasn’t just moaning anymore, the screams escaping with every breath bouncing off the walls. We had been apart for a week, tension was bound to build up and it was begging for a release.

“A…Anna,” he bit down on my neck, moaning out my name as he came, the vibrations radiating from his body pulling me under.

My back arched, my neck strained back as far as it went, my mouth opened, no sound coming out. I had stopped breathing to limit the distractions, and it was working. I could feel everything as I came for the second time that night, fires igniting all over my body, colours exploding behind my eyelids.

Theo was shaking in my arms, labored breaths moving through his nose that was pressed against my neck. I hugged his head on my chest, combing through his hair with my fingers, enjoying his weight pressing down on me. His eyes were closed, little pearls of sweat gleaming on his temples. His fingers were still holding on to my waist, unable to let go.

His breathing slowed as he drifted to sleep again, the temporary wave of energy thoroughly spent. I caressed his cheek, wiped the sweat off his face, scratched through the little stubble on his chin. He was back, he had come back to me, and I wasn’t gonna let him go again. 


	29. Homecoming (T)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theo's POV

“It’ll be fine!” Adam reassured me again, placing his hand on mine, calming my fingers that had been fidgeting non-stop the entire flight. I was clearly nervous and he picked up on that. He always knew what I was feeling, even before I knew it myself. I looked at him, eyes sad and frightened.

“Don’t say that. You don’t _know_  that! She can be…scary when she’s angry,” I mumbled, staring at his fingers that were still caressing the back of my hand, absentmindedly, almost instinctively.

“You’re scared of that little girl?” he chuckled quietly, trying not to wake the old lady sat across the alley, ”I could pick her up with one hand!”

I scowled, he clearly didn’t know Anna as well as I did.

“You’d be surprised. And remember, if this thing comes out, her rage won’t be directed solely on me.”

“Uuu, I’m scared,” he taunted sarcastically, only then noticing what he had been doing the entire time, retrieving his hand quickly, gazing around to capture any onlookers. None were found.

I smiled. The little touches, little knowing looks across the room full of oblivious people had been filling our last day together. That little feeling of excitement returned every time, for a fraction of a second, only to be taken away by a distraction or the fear of being discovered. Sharing a secret like that made me feel superior, we were in on something no one else in the entire world knew. And was never gonna know as far as I was concerned.

He noticed me looking at him and turned to face me, slowly, his face serious. We had a silent battle, something we had done several times before when bored, but never had it been this intense.

The corner of his mouth twitched, a clear sign of my superiority, so I took it a nudge further, arching my eyebrow challengingly. He burst into silent laughter, heaving in air, trying to stay silent in the sleeping compartment. He forgot to cover his teeth, smiling wide and unreserved.

“Why do you even try? You know I always win,” I whispered, cupping his face, sliding my thumb over his cheekbone, but lowering my hand a second later. This is what we had now. Little moments, nothing more. I had been so sure that was what I wanted, to go back to the way things had been before, but at times like this, I started to doubt myself. Surely, the determination to make it right with Anna returned quickly, but the hesitation couldn’t be ignored.

I snorted suddenly, remembering what Richard had said earlier that day.

“What?” Adam chuckled, the apples of his cheeks a little red.

“Nothing, just something Rich said this morning…”

“C’mon, tell me,” he asked, knowingly turning the full force of his puppy eyes on me.

“He said we were glowing,” I huffed, suddenly finding the buttons of my suit very fascinating.

“Glowing?” he lifted his eyebrows, “like pregnant women?”

“His words, not mine,” I raised my hands defensively.

“Maybe we should’ve used a condom then…”

I coughed, trying to get the airflow back. I hadn’t expected this level of bluntness, even if we were more open with each other now than we had ever been. He giggled slightly at my awkwardness, turning his eyes to the white fluffy clouds outside, drifting by, never changing, no matter what country we were in. I leaned my head back, thinking, daydreaming about what had been and dreading what was to come.

  
  


I pulled up in front of his house, leaving the motor running, expecting him to rush out like he always did. He turned to face me instead, his expression serious.

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment.

“Yes, I’m sure. It would only raise more questions that I can’t answer,” I smiled at him sadly, my shoulders slumping.

“Okay, if you’re sure…” he trailed off, looking at me thoughtfully, his bright blue eyes studying my features.

He leaned in suddenly, catching me off guard, and pressed his lips against mine. Soft and full, I would never forget the feel of them. My breath hitched from the surprise, my foot slipping off the clutch. The car jumped forward sharply, the motor cutting out instantly, tearing me away from him. He stayed close though, our noses almost touching, smiling and blushing a little.

“You’re always so jumpy,” he mumbled, his eyes flickering from my eyes to my lips.

“I’m not used to having you so close,” I whispered back, mimicking his actions.

“Well get used to it then,” he chuckled, capturing my lips for the last time and stepping out of the car without looking back, leaving me staring after him dumbfounded.

What did he mean by that? We had agreed, nothing like this would ever happen again. Had he changed his mind? Or was he just referring to our renewed relationship with weaker to no boundaries. Which one was I hoping for? Which one should I-

I shook myself out of it. I was acting like a teenager, going over every scenario, not sure  _what_  I wanted,  _who_  I wanted. It wasn’t gonna lead anywhere so it was better to just stop, spare myself from the heartache and probably a splitting migraine.

Exhaustion washed over me, like the toll I had put on my body and mind finally caught up with me. My sight blurred for a moment until I focused it again, remembering I still had to drive to Anna’s house, hopefully without getting killed in the process.

Anna.

I hadn’t seen her for a week. I missed her terribly, I could almost feel it physically. Yes, I had been distracted, but she was always lingering on the sidelines, slipping in the moment everything else fell away. I could remember her face, every detail. I could remember the feel of her against me. But the smell…it somehow got mixed up with something else. Something I had smelled during that week but couldn’t pinpoint anymore. I had an idea what it was, but pushed it aside. I wasn’t going down that road again.

I restarted the engine and took off, desperate to reach her, to wipe away any doubt that was left in my mind. I had several days to spend with her, to rekindle our love.

Several days for her to ask questions, to notice I was hiding something.

No I wasn’t gonna think like that. It was a selfish kind of wishful thinking. It hurt to think about it, about what I had done, about the fact I would probably do it again if given the chance to go back in time. I was only now becoming aware of my guilty conscience, burning away at me from the inside. I didn’t know how long I could ignore it, bury it under everything else. Until I couldn’t anymore, until it bursts out and makes me, selfishly again, confess everything to get rid of it, get rid of the pain. Cause I was weak.

I reached her house, parked and just sat there for a while. I had to compose myself to look presentable, there was only so much you could blame on the jetlag.

I stepped out, stood there, taking in her house and remembering the first time I had seen it. I hadn’t had time to think anything over back then, being in such a big rush to see her again. I was still amazed by the ease she had captured me with, I wasn’t usually that compliant. She had tamed me.

I took in a shuddering breath and straightened my clothes, hesitating before continuing. The walk to her door felt longer than it should’ve had, the Green Mile came to mind, and Anna was the executioner.

The door flew open before I could knock, startling the words stuck to my throat. She fell against me, wrapping her arms around me, her soft hair tickling my face. I chuckled after getting over the initial shock, her enthusiasm was catching. I cupped her head, pressing my face in the curve of her neck and breathing in her sweet scent, nothing distracting me this time. It had remained exactly the same. It was like I had never left, like last week hadn’t happened.

“Welcome home, love,” she breathed out, relief clear in her voice.

“It’s good to be home,” I sighed, touching her delicate skin with my lips.

She pushed me away, eyeing me from head to toe, analyzing my appearance and reaching a conclusion.

“You’ve lost weight!” she exclaimed accusingly. She had always been on my case for not eating properly.

I blamed it on being on the road, not having enough time and being distracted by everything going on around me. I tried to look as innocent as I could, breaking out the skill I had picked up from Adam, smiling puppishly. It was kind of true, although the distraction had nothing to do with interviews, meetings or soundchecks.

“Missing me?” she smiled again teasingly, knowing what the answer would be.

“Of course,” I laughed with her.

My face felt tighter than usual, I just hoped she didn’t notice. I hadn’t really had the chance to dream about her as the days had been filled with Adam’s intrusive hints and direct dares to step up or step out. I kissed her to smother out those thoughts, effectively distracting myself as I got lost in the feel of her. All the worries fell away, my chest getting lighter. Relief washed over me, exhaustion following straight behind as my body finally had the opportunity to relax.

She asked if I was hungry, rationally trying to fatten me up while she had the chance. I declined, unable to think of food right now, not when my stomach had just been in tight knots a moment ago, the awful feeling still lingering. I just wanted to sleep, to curl up next to her and never wake up.

“No, no. I’m fine. I’m just awfully tired. Could we just…relax?” I asked hopefully, hugging her to me, knowing she wouldn’t be able to deny me anything after that. Her body was so small, I felt like I could break her just by holding her.

She agreed like I knew she would, guiding me upstairs by my hand. My head felt heavier with every step, tilting forward slightly as I couldn’t hold it upright anymore. My eyes hurt, stung from the lack of sleep and mental strain. My feet got stuck behind the steps, I depended on Anna to keep me upright long enough to reach the bed.

I threw my jacket on the bedroom floor, hooking a finger inside the collar of my shirt. The buttons on it suddenly seemed pointlessly small and unnecessarily difficult to open so I discarded the thought of getting out of it, falling on the mattress, my face crashing with the soft blanket.

I had missed this bed, it felt like home, capturing my mind in the spirals instantly, dragging it down until I drifted away. I could vaguely hear Anna talking to me, then her hands tugging at my feet, pushing me around like I was a ragdoll and she my puppet master, pulling the strings. I didn’t mind her bossing me around, not at that moment. It felt good to be taken care of for a change.

I drifted, the haze taking on different shapes, different colours, different faces. I was at peace at last. What was done was done, I couldn’t change it, nor did I want to. Whatever was to come would get here anyway without me fussing about it and ruining whatever time I had left. I had no illusions. I knew how much it would hurt her if she found out, how it would probably ruin us for good. I chose not to think about it, letting go the anxiety and self-destructive habits. Only guilt remained. I didn’t want to let it go, it reminded me of what I had done, strived me to be better, to be the perfect man for her. I would show her how much I loved her.

  
  


My brain refocused a while later, my eyes were still heavy so I kept them closed. Her smell was all around me, on the pillow, on the sheets, lingering in the air. I could feel her curled up against my chest, the top of her head under my chin, her hair tickling my skin. I peeked out through the lashes, finding her fast asleep. Her nose was pressed flat against my shirt, like she had tried to get as close to me as she could before drifting off.

I moved my hand to her face, slowly, trying not to wake her. I dragged my fingers through her messy hair, accidentally getting stuck in a tangle, giving it a sharp tug. I froze, watching as she sighed and turned on her back, still sleeping. It was incredible, a bomb could go off outside without disturbing her. An idea began to take shape in my head, a wicked smile spreading across my face.

I got rid of my clothes, dumping them on top of my jacket that was still lying on the carpet like an old rag. I slid my fingers under her top, caressing her skin softly before tugging the edge of it upwards, revealing more and more skin. Her chest rose with deep breaths, totally unaware of her surroundings. A black lace bra came to view as I hiked the shirt higher, supporting her slender curves perfectly, clashing with her light skin.

Getting it over her head was the tough part, at least I thought so in the beginning. Turned out she wasn’t bothered at all, continuing her slumber even after I almost poked her in the eye with my finger. Her blond curls were spread out over the pillow, framing her face.

Her mouth gaped open slightly when I hooked my fingers under the waistband of her shorts, dragging them down, her matching lace panties not leaving much to the imagination. It seemed she had been prepared for my return.

I leaned down to peck her lips, surprised when she responded through sleep, eagerly molding our mouths together, moaning shamelessly. I would’ve given anything to see into her dreams.

I sneaked my fingers under her back, unhooking her bra, sliding the straps off her shoulders, watching the newly uncovered skin. She was perfect, I could see no flaw. My hands traveled south, tracing her sides, her waist, rounding her bottom to get rid of the last piece of fabric, throwing it across the room. It landed on a picture frame, leaving her mother’s face peeking out from under the black lace.

I lowered myself between her thighs that were now trembling, her knees buckling up, little moans escaping her lips as she dreamed. I nibbled at her lips, kissing my way down, over her chin and between her breasts. My chest rested on her stomach as I slid lower, sucking on her skin. Her hands flew up, her fingers lacing through my hair, pressing me to her chest as her eyes flew open with a loud grunt.

“What the…” she glanced down at me, her surprised expression making me smile.

I continued my journey down, kissing her skin, biting on the soft tissue around her belly button. I gripped her hips, moving lower still, sending a warning and a challenge up at her with one glance. It was a new territory for us, an exciting prospect.

I flicked out my tongue, testing the waters, almost expecting her to shrug away from me. Her back arched instead, her muscles stretching and contracting all at once, her legs twitching upwards. Her abandonment made me smile, encouraging me to take it a step further, kissing and sucking at her center, enjoying how lost she got. Her breathing stopped altogether, her teeth gritted tightly together, her neck straining up. I added fingers, humming in pleasure as her fingers tugged at my hair, he body shutting down, shuddering as she came accompanied by a loud moan.

I crawled back up, grazing her damp withering body with my own, slicking us together. I smiled down at her, her blissful expression, her eyes that were still somewhere very far away.

“I love seeing you lose yourself to me,” I mumbled, tasting her lips, picking at the strands of hair that had stuck on her wet forehead.

“That was…new,” she mumbled, her skin adopting a deeper shade of pink as she blushed.

The image of his face swam into view, his flushed cheeks, as we laid next to each other afterwards, relieved and satisfied.

I pushed it aside. I had a beautiful woman yearning for me, wanting me, ready for me to take her. This was certainly not the right time to think about your best friend fucking you raw.

I refocused my attention, pressing a feather-light kiss on her collarbone, tickling down her sides, feeling the goosebumps that had formed there. I pushed inside with one smooth thrust, all the way, melting into her shape, my nose crunching up from the pressure on my length. I waited, enjoying the sensation, gazing into her eyes that were now dark and oh so familiar.

I started moving again, with long forceful thrusts, my breath hitching in my throat as Anna’s sighs grew into moans. I slammed my hips forward, my anger and frustration bubbling to the surface, fueling my strength. I had no control over my actions, I could’ve been hurting her for all I knew, without the power to stop. My mind went blank, the primal instincts taking over.

She wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling me in deeper, doubling the force of the movements. Clearly I wasn’t the only one completely lost. Her forehead glistened with sweat, the heat radiating from her body overpowering me.

I grunted, my head falling on her shoulder as I lost the last shred of control I had left, moving faster, moaning louder. But I was still muted out by her screams as she scratched over my back, her nails digging into my bones.

“A…Anna,” I almost moaned out the wrong name as his face flashed before my eyes when I came, shaking from head to toe, feeling her clamping down on me, her shouts ringing in my ears.

I was resting my entire weight on top of her, unable to lift myself up. I was still trembling when my consciousness fled me again, my eyes falling shut, my limbs going limp. Her fingers tugged softly at my hair, raising the little hairs on my neck, wiping the sweat from my face.

My dreams were peaceful, sweet, a refuge from the confusion of the real world. I wanted to stay there forever, a place I could feel safe in, but I couldn’t. I had almost slipped up already, it was bound to happen again. I lived on borrowed time, eventually it would run out. 


	30. Suspicion

I was fixing breakfast, trying to make it as greasy as possible to fill up that fragile being sat behind the counter. I liked my man lean, but he was beginning to look like he hadn’t been properly fed since Christmas.

He was mixing eggs with flour, the tip of his tongue visible in the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on the task I had given him. I smiled, watching him work as I handled everything else. He looked like a little kid on a mission, leaving destruction on his path as even the tip of his nose was painted white, not to mention his clothes.

The drilling sound of the phone broke his focus, the sticky spoon clattering on the table. He tried to get the little gadget out of his pocket without causing a bigger mess, checking the screen and smiling up at me apologetically.

“I got to take this.”

He wiped his hands clean and headed to the living room. It was odd, he had never left the room just to talk before. I was curious, dying to find out who it was, but controlled myself. I wasn’t gonna be the snoopy jealous girlfriend, sticking her nose where it didn’t belong.

I caved in pretty quickly, setting down the bowl and tiptoeing towards the corridor.

“Yes, Adam, I came here straight after dropping you off,” I heard him sigh, probably accompanied by an eye roll. I could see the top of his head peeking over the couch as he was slumped down on the pillows.

Adam. Of course. Nothing out of the ordinary. I was on my way back, feeling ashamed for doubting him when I froze.

“No…no she didn’t. I think we’re good.”

I didn’t what? What were they talking about that couldn’t be discussed near me?

“No. Well, we haven’t had much time to talk, if you know what I mean, but everything’s fine, don’t worry.”

Worry? What was there to worry about and why was Adam interested in that? Yes, they were best friends, but still…

I thought back on today, the way Theo had kept busy, kept me talking, gave short and straight answers to my rare questions about the tour. I had only asked if they had fun! Usually he would’ve rambled on about the clubs and the crowds and the amazing landmarks he had visited, not this time. Something was wrong and I was afraid to find out what it was.

I quickly made my way back to the kitchen, not wanting to hear anything else, anything I could misinterpret in the most twisted ways. The nagging on the back of my head stayed there even though I tried to push it aside. I promised I would wait, find out more before confronting him, _if_  there was anything to confront him about. It could all be a misunderstanding, an innocent conversation between friends. I  _had_ only heard one side of it.

Laughter filled the house, Theo cackling away like I had never heard him before, relaxed, carefree. Surely there was nothing to worry about, they had made up with Adam, everything was fine.

  
  


  
  


***

  
  


“Did she ask you anything?” Adam’s deep voice echoed through the phone, a little mutated by the electronics, but still so distinctly his.

“No…no she didn’t. I think we’re good,” I sighed, glancing towards the kitchen where Anna was making us breakfast.

I was sprawled out over the couch like a proper male, letting my woman do all the cooking. I did feel guilty about it, but the need to talk to my best friend had won over the chivalry. I had to share my relief, getting rid of the last threads of guilt in the process. It was like talking to a therapist, only more effective.

“So no prying? No suspicion?” he still sounded worried, not for himself but for me.

“No. Well, we haven’t had much time to talk, if you know what I mean, but everything’s fine, don’t worry,” I chuckled, reassuring my stressed out mate on the other side of the line.

Shuffling near the front door caught my attention, but as I saw nothing, I resumed my attention to the conversation at hand.

“Will you come over tomorrow? I know we just left each other but…”

“Yeah, of course. I miss you too,” I smiled as he trailed off, unsure of how to explain his point. He didn’t need to. We had been joined at the hip for years, so used to each other’s company that being separated too long felt weird. Lately it had gotten worse.

I heard him chuckle, imagining the way he no doubt was brushing his hair away from his forehead as a reflex, even though there was nothing there. It was one of his nervous habits, like biting his nails. They were a part of him, a part of his personality, I had never known a different Adam. Our appearances had changed but on the inside we were still those scruffy teenagers, malnourished and a little immature. Our lifestyle hadn’t given us much chance to grow up properly.

“Okay then, see you tomorrow?” he offered.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Silence took over, both of us waiting for the other one to hang up first, like in a cheesy teenage drama.

“You hang up first,” I made a silly voice, knowing Adam would get the joke.

“No, you hang up,” he answered with the same voice, breaking out in laughter a moment later, bringing me down with him.

I tried to keep it down, heaving in air when my lungs started protesting, tears welling up in my eyes. I hadn’t laughed so freely in ages, I could hear Adam doing the same on the other side.

“So…shall we count to three or what?” I chuckled, wiping my eyes, trying to calm down.

“Fine. One-” and he hung up, making me laugh again. It was so like him, demanding the last word in everything. I would make him pay for that later.

Anna was right where I had left her, taken over my job in stirring, doing it devotedly. She was wearing a little apron, her hair twisted up in a bun, like a proper housewife. I sat down opposite her, waiting for her to raise her head. When she didn’t, I took matters into my own hands, tipping my finger into the bowl and tasting the content.

“Hey!” she yelped, smacking me away, scowling at me, “no tasting before it’s done!”

I chuckled, my finger in my mouth, as the corner of her mouth twisted up, her eyes soon leaving mine to devote their full attention on the job.

“I haven’t had pancakes since…forever,” I sighed, resting my head on my arms, gazing up at her.

“I have no idea how you survived before I came along…how didn’t you starve? With your skills I wouldn’t have been surprised…”

“Hey! I’m quite decent when it comes to cooking! I just don’t do…deserts.”

“Sure…” she smiled, still not convinced.

“Ask Adam if you don’t believe me…” I trailed off. Anna also tensed for a moment, I wasn’t even sure if it really happened or if it was just my imagination, startling over mentioning his name.

“I might just do that,” she muttered, deep in thought, like she was already on another subject, far away from the discussion over my cooking skills.

  
  


I ate like there was no tomorrow, destroying the cakes while Anna was watching me, pleased with my appetite. I finished when there was no room left, I would’ve continued if not for my belly being filled to bursting. I remembered I hadn’t had anything to eat since yesterday morning.

I leaned back on the chair with a grunt, patting my stomach.

“Thank you, I really needed that.”

“I bet,” she chuckled, “I could’ve fed an entire village with the amount you just annihilated.”

“I’m sorry…did you get any of it?” I bit my lip sheepishly.

“Yes, don’t worry. I snuck some for myself while you were distracted,” she smirked, taking a sip of her coffee.

I sighed, closing my eyes and enjoyed the moment, satisfied, the midday sun warming my face.

“What day is it?” I suddenly remembered to ask. Everything blurred together these days.

“It’s Saturday.”

“Mmm, I knew it. Saturdays always feel like Saturdays. If you-”

“-woke up after 100 years and it was Saturday, you’d just know?” she finished my sentence, rolling her eyes.

“You know…your knowledge of me gets really creepy sometimes,” I laughed, shaking my head in disbelief.

“I try,” she shrugged, not bothering to explain or deny anything.

I narrowed my eyes at her, deciding she would never give up her sources if I pried.

“Fine,” I huffed, “it’s time I washed off the road dust. I feel like I haven’t seen a shower in a week.”

That wasn’t true though. Images of my last shower flashed before my eyes, two bodies crammed together in the tiny cubicle, water pouring down on us, sealing us in and away from the real world, no worries, no responsibilities. Just us.

  
  


The room felt cold as soon as I shrugged out of my clothes, the floor underneath chilling me to the bone. I jumped into the shower and got the hot water running, the heat of it melting my frozen limbs and taking the tension away. I sighed deeply. Taking a shower in the middle of the day always felt good, like you had nowhere to rush, nothing you had to do, plenty of time for yourself.

I washed my hair, rinsing out the coat of pomade that was always present, rather pleased to find I could drag my fingers through it without feeling any resistance. I also needed a haircut. It wasn’t shorter on the sides like it used to be, a style we had both come to enjoy with Adam over time.

I dragged a hand over my face, closing my eyes to protect them from the water and soap. The wet strands of hair clung to my forehead, shampoo dripping down over my chin. I rested my hands against the wall, leaning forward to put my head under the stream, the sound of the water crashing through my scull devouring everything else.

A set of warm hands circled my chest, slowly rubbing over my wet skin, the naked body they belonged to pressing against my back. Her lips brushed over the valley between my shoulder blades, her nose tickling my skin.

“I needed a shower too,” she explained as I leaned back to feel more of her.

“I thought you already took one this morning,” I pointed out the flaw in her plan.

“Exactly,” she whispered in my ear, her hand traveling down over my abdomen, grabbing hold of everything I had.

I gasped, my muscles tensing up involuntarily as she moved her hand up and down around my length, making my knees weak. My breathing accelerated, my head lolling back, my eyes squeezed shut.

I had to grab her wrist and make her stop, afraid of going under too soon. I turned around, hugged her waist and lifted her up, resting her back against the tiled wall. Her legs wrapped around my hips, her face smiling down at me as she ran her hands over my shoulders and down my chest. She trusted herself completely in my hands, letting me do as I pleased.

I reached down, rubbing over her center, watching her shiver. She rocked down on my hand, directing my movements as her sighs turned into moans, her hands draped around my neck, her forehead resting on mine. The water was running freely, unnoticed and unneeded, providing only background noise.

I set her down, her face expressing displeasure and confusion. I turned her around, pressing her body between myself and the wall, grabbing her hands and lifting them above her head, holding them there. She glanced back over her shoulder, smiling invitingly, resting her burning cheek against the cool wall.

I pushed in, my hips colliding with her ass. She breathed in deeply as I pulled out, her back arching to create a better angle. Her breasts were pressed flat against the white tiles, her body moving back to meet me with every thrust. My teeth ravished the skin on her shoulder, a little growl escaping every now and then.

She leaned her head back, searching for my mouth as I took her over and over again, her lips swollen from the chewing she had performed on them. Our bodies molded together in every way possible, no space was left between us, skin on skin, airtight.

My movements got rougher, slamming us together faster and faster, Anna’s cries getting more desperate, ready to drive straight into nothingness. I stilled my movements, keen on making this last. She whimpered, opening her eyes to stare at me questioningly, taking matters into her own hands as she rolled her hips, pulling one of her hands free and reaching back, grabbing my ass to keep me in place. Her neediness got the better of me as I thrust up into her, slamming the air out of both of us, repeating, alternating with pace and force, keeping her guessing.

She arched off the wall, her body quivering. I wrapped my free arm around her middle to keep her from falling, rocking my hips as she collapsed around me, making my vision go black. I could hear a bathetic whine as I came, hoping it hadn’t been me. I clung to her, breathing in her sweet scent, nibbling at her neck, enjoying the warmth, trying to get my heartbeat back to normal.

“That sounded like a puppy being slaughtered,” she mumbled, her head still resting on my shoulder, her eyes closed.

“Shut up,” I chuckled, dragging her backwards under the water to rinse away the evidence. 


	31. Trouble

Yesterday had been magic. I had cast aside the doubts and worries, the suspicion and mistrust. I needed him, closeness was my only remedy. It was only temporary though, the negativity returning stronger than ever when I woke up this morning. The fear of losing him made my stomach churn, made me feel frozen from the inside, like the winter seemed to come early to me, solely to me.

Theo seemed chipper as always, happy about little things, the kid inside him showing its head again. He had lost that part of himself for a while, but whatever had held it back was now gone and forgotten. He got distracted by everything, he found it important to let the world know he saw a dog, or found a nickle, even in the middle of our conversation. It was adoring, usually, but not now when I was desperately trying to steer the subject on more serious baths.

It was like he knew what I was trying to do, avoiding my questions, giving me one word answers, trying to talk about anything else but his time in Germany. Something had happened there, something serious. It had messed him up, not necessarily in a negative way, but he was different. His shoulders were relaxed when I wasn’t watching, tensing up as soon as he noticed he wasn’t alone anymore, like I made him nervous. Or scared. Why should he be scared of me? I didn’t understand.

There was only one way to find out.

Research.

  
  


Finding information wasn’t hard. When I typed in his name, I instantly got over 600 000 hits, every page that had ever mentioned him. I hesitated before pressing the button though, this felt like invading his privacy, like reading his messages or going over his call log. I talked myself down. It was public information, accessible to billions of people. Why should I stay away?

Most of the articles were pure crap, I was surprised over what qualified as “news” these days. Every sighting was cataloged and filed away. I was beginning to understand how claustrophobic his life was, how violated he really felt. I was glad that none of the pages mentioned me, but surprised at the same time. The vultures hadn’t gotten to us yet, I hoped it was gonna stay that way.

This wasn’t taking me anywhere so I corrected the search phrase, adding Germany. Different pages popped up, the top one catching my attention.

“ _Hurts frontman Theo Hutchcraft breaking hearts abroad_ ”

Nothing I hadn’t seen before, but the date intrigued me. Last week. The week Theo refused to discuss with me. He was a terrible liar so I dismissed his claims that nothing special happened.

The photo of him with a beautiful model-like woman popped up, the article next to it claiming all kinds of disturbing things, making my insecurities go into overdrive. How could I ever complete with  _that_! I didn’t have long legs that went on forever, I wasn’t size 0 with double D cups, plump lips and perfect hair, no doubt looked after by professionals. Theo’s hand was gripped around her waist, his fingertips digging into her bare skin that peeked out from the strategically placed holes in her dress.

Jealousy overwhelmed me. I knew better not to take anything written in the tabloids as pure gold, but that picture…

I couldn’t confront him like that, having only questionable “facts” written up by strangers. I needed inside information, someone close to him, someone who knew what was going on with him, who knew his every mood and secret.

Adam.

He was perfect! I got along with him well enough, it wouldn’t be weird if I visited him. And I was sure he knew the reason Theo had been distant lately. He had to, they were best friends. Plus the strange phone call yesterday…

I laughed at myself. Look at me, conspiring, making plans behind Theo’s back, snooping around, betraying his trust. But something had to be done. I was tormented by the idea of him with some other woman, cozily cooped up in another country while I was waiting for him at home, shivering from the sheer longing. He hadn’t missed me at all, had he? He had moved on to better things, he just didn’t know how to tell me it was over between us. That’s why he was afraid of me!

I snapped myself out of it. I was being a fool, drawing conclusions without knowing all the facts. I needed to see Adam.

  
  


I was rushing towards his house 10 minutes later, out of breath and sweating. I told Theo I was going shopping, successfully ditching him when he found out he’d have to hang around women’s clothes all day if he wanted to come with me. Even a fashionista like him drew a line somewhere.

My palms were sweating as I knocked on Adam’s door, holding my breath, almost wishing he wasn’t home. No such luck.

“Anna?” he sounded surprised when he appeared, his eyebrows shot up, “what are you doing here?”

I hesitated. I hadn’t particularly thought this through, I didn’t have an explanation.

“I just wanted to talk to you, if that’s okay?” I went with the easiest choice, the truth.

“Sure,” he mumbled, letting me in, his eyes puzzled and perhaps a little fearful, “where’s Theo?”

“Home. He’s the reason I’m here, I thought it would be better if he wasn’t here.”

Now he really looked scared. The prospect of betraying his best mate must have been terrifying. I knew all about The Bro Code, I didn’t expect him to snitch on Theo, I just hoped to get a vibe off him, something solid, something I couldn’t dismiss.

“So…what’s bothering you?” he asked after sitting down, his tone casual, but his posture speaking a different story.

“Oh, nothing important..” I hunched my back, sinking into his couch, wishing it would swallow me whole.

“Come on Anna, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important,” he sighed, lacing his fingers together in his lap, waiting for me to start talking.

“Okay, okay. There  _is_  something,” I muttered, giving up the charade, “It’s Theo, he seems different since coming back.”

I watched his face as I spoke, noticing the little twitch rippling through it as my words sunk in. He definitely knew something.

“What do you mean “different”?” he asked, coughing his voice clear beforehand.

“He’s relaxed, happier than I’ve ever seen him, somehow relieved,” I started, noticing the warm smile spreading across Adam’s lips only to be wiped away by my next words, “ _but_ , he’s distant, dodging my questions…Adam, I think he cheated on me.”

His eyes went wide, his mouth gaping open, the fear returning to his eyes.

“Ch-cheated?” he stuttered, nervously wiping imaginary hairs away from his forehead, “that’s…that’s absurd.”

“Is it? I don’t know, Adam. You know him better than anyone. You know what he’s capable of. And there rumors in the papers…”

Adam’s posture relaxed, a little smile adoring his mouth.

“Is this what it’s about? The articles pairing him up with every woman he comes in contact with? Come on, Anna. You know how it is. Theo’s a handsome guy, tabloids eat him up.”

“I know…I know. But it’s not only that. I told you, he has changed. If it’s not because he has found someone else, then what?”

“I think you should ask him. He loves you, he wouldn’t like the fact you’re discussing your private life behind his back. He doesn’t deserve that.”

He looked genuinely concerned now, his eyes sad and thoughtful.

“And you’re absolutely sure he didn’t hook up with some stranger while on tour?”

“Just ask him. I’d rather not be apart of this, you understand?” he leaned back on his chair, inclining that our little conversation was over.

I sighed and stood up, dragging my heavy feet towards his front door. This visit hadn’t turned out exactly how I’d hoped, but at least I was certain now. I had a reason to ask questions, and Theo had a reason to avoid them. I was gonna get to the bottom of this, one way or another, I just hoped my heart wasn’t going to shatter into million pieces in the process.

  
  


“You’re back!” Theo’s excited voice reached me before his beaming face appeared through the kitchen door. He had an apron on, apparently he was cooking.

His smile faltered a little when he saw my face, a worried crease settling in on his forehead. I could only imagine what I looked like, though I knew it wasn’t half as bad as I felt.

“What’s wrong?” he sounded concerned.

“Theo I need to ask you something,” I muttered, my voice monotone, all emotion gone.

He stared at me, finally nodding slightly, giving me the go-ahead.

“What really happened in Germany?”

He froze. I could see his throat contract as he swallowed, his shaky fingers starting to fidget unconsciously.

“What…” he swallowed again, “what do you mean? I told you-”

“ _Don’t_  lie to me! I’m not stupid. You’re not the same, I can tell the difference even if you can’t!  _What did you do?_  I thought you loved me! How could you do this to me? I trusted you!”

“Anna, I-” his eyes were pleading, but I couldn’t let him interrupt. I was on the roll and if I stopped now, all my determination would perish, leaving me vulnerable.

“We had something special, didn’t we? How could you throw that away for just a quick fuck!”

I was off the rails. I had no idea what I was doing or saying, or even if it was true. I had promised myself that I would hear him out, let him explain, but I forgot. All my emotions bubbled up, threatening to suffocate me where I stood, I needed a release and he was unfortunate enough to be in my way.

“ _I didn’t mean to!_ ” he screamed, panting, frustrated, angry, hurt, scared, guilty.

I shut up, my mouth still open, staring at the man standing in front of me, seeing him in a new light. The illusion was gone, I could now see what he really was, a flawed human being, just like the rest of us, not a God, not superhuman, just a man. A man on the verge of tears, his shoulders slumped, his hands fallen slack on his sides, seemingly dragging him down towards the floor, that heavy was his burden, his guilt.

But I didn’t feel sorry for him. My heart was cold, finally frozen from the winter that had threatened to come over me ever since he returned to me. I watched his head fall forward, unable to look me in the eyes, ashamed of himself.

“It just happened…” he sighed, “we were drunk, I was confused and lonely, on top of all that the dreams wouldn’t stop and…and…he was persistent-”

“He?  _He!_  What are you talking about? What are you…what are…oh my god…” realization struck me, all the air leaving my lungs as mental pictures flooded my mind.

“Adam,” I whispered, raising my hand to my mouth.

Theo’s face read confusion.

“You’re shocked. Why are you shocked?” he mumbled to himself, trying to figure things out, finally deciding it was easier to ask, “what did you think then if not that?”

I lowered my hand, gritting my teeth together. I didn’t know if this was worse or not. On one hand there was no way I could compare myself to Adam, nothing I could’ve done differently. On the other hand it was unimaginably worse. I was even the wrong gender, there was no way I could change that. We were really over. I hadn’t been planning on forgiving him, but the fact that it was impossible now made my heart break all over again.

“I thought,” I hesitated. What had I thought? “I thought you slept with some model, Sarah something. It was silly.”

My voice cracked up. I got what I wanted, the truth. But now I would’ve given anything not to know it.

“I would never do that to you,” he exclaimed, bewildered.

“But you slept with Adam! How’s that any different?” I almost choked on the first sentence, it made it real.

“He’s…he’s different. You weren’t bothered by it when I told you what happened before!” he tried to reason with me.

“Exactly!  _Before!_  We weren’t together back then! Think about what you’re saying!” I was breathing hard, standing in the middle of the hallway, my boots still on my feet, my jacket buttoned up. I took in a gulf of air, trying to calm myself.

“So…how did it work?” I distracted myself by gathering facts, a way of distancing myself from the situation, “who bottomed?”

Theo’s eyes widened, shocked by my bluntness.

“Why does it matter?” his cheeks burned. The only time I had ever seen him blush visibly.

“It matters to me,” I stayed calm.

He was quiet for a long time, clearly hoping I’d give up first, with no luck.

“We…” he had to cough his voice clear before answering, “both of us.”

“So you slept with him twice? Is that what you’re saying?” my voice stayed even. Barely.

“Well, yes…technically, but-”

“I’m going out. I expect you to be gone when I get back.”

I managed to stay composed until I was out of the door and well on my way, out of his eyesight. I couldn’t let him see my weakness, it would only make me feel worse.

I broke down when I reached the next block, kneeling down next to a hedge, it’s thick leaves hiding me from the outside world. Loud sobs left my mouth, but no tears came, my eyes stayed dry. I was too hurt to cry, too devastated, numbed up. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Not the wind on my face, not the sharp rocks under me knees, not even the rain.

  
  


***

  
  


I stared blankly after her, the wooden door separating us seemingly made out of tempered steel. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Had it really happened? Maybe I was just dreaming. Yes. That’s it. It was just a really really bad dream. A nightmare.

I pinched myself, wincing from the pain. No. This wasn’t a dream. Anna was gone, we were over. My heartbeats became painful. Was that what a broken heart felt like? I didn’t know. I had never cared enough about anyone before to know.

“ _I expect you to be gone when I get back”_

Where could I go? I didn’t have a home, not really. And the emptiness of a hotel room would soon drive me into depression. I knew there was only one person I wanted to see right now, one person who could make everything alright again. His couch was the closest thing I had to a home, although I suspected it wasn’t the couch at all, rather than the person it belonged to.

I grabbed my things and walked out, leaving my key under her doormat. She would want it back. She wouldn’t want me to have it, not after what I’d done.

My thoughts were racing on the way, not paying any attention to the road. Anna had thought I slept with a stranger. It hurt, I would never do that to her! I couldn’t even _remember_  anyone named Sarah…

Adam was a different subject though, he was in a different league of his own. He was family, although come to think of it, I couldn’t classify him as that either. He was an enigma, a disease eating away at my brain. I couldn’t control it more than I could a force of nature. If only I could’ve explained…

But no. Not even then. I broke her trust. The worst part was that I’d do it all over again if presented with a choice. I was weak, unable to resist temptation, unable to say no, specially to him.

  
  


The further up the stairs I got, the weaker I felt. My eyes were hurting, my vision blurred, my limbs ready to give out. I needed to reach him, everything else was irrelevant.

Adam answered the door on the second knock, wearing his waistcoat even when home alone. He eyed me from head to toe, taking in my appearance, the crumpled suit, the untied shoelaces, my beaten up face. His eyes focused on mine, letting me know he understood, trying his hardest not to feel sorry for me, knowing I would hate him for it.

He reached out and took my hand without saying a word, pulling me into the apartment. I stumbled behind the doorframe and fell against him as he caught me, my hands tightly gripping his arms, my face inches from his, looking down. He wiped a thumb over my cheek and it came away glistening. Was I crying?

“Come on,” he whispered, hugging a hand around my shoulders as I leaned my head against his, closing my eyes. He steered me to the bedroom, ordering me to lie down. I didn’t comply, but didn’t resist either as he pushed me to sit on the bed. I stared blankly forward, my mind completely empty.

“What will I do with you,” he sighed, looking down at me, “please lie down. You can’t sit here all night.”

I obeyed mechanically, lying on my side, bringing my knees to my chest, my head almost tangling over the edge. I was exhausted, but not sleepy. There was no way I was gonna fall asleep tonight.

“I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” Adam mumbled, turning around.

“No!” I cried, suddenly more alert, “don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone.”

He hesitated, but circled the bed, settling himself down behind me. I could feel his hot breath against my neck, soothing me, letting me know he was close, that I wasn’t alone. We were quiet for a long time, comforting each other in silence.

The bed shifted as he propped himself up on his elbow, straining his neck to see if I was still awake. My eyes were open, staring blankly at the wall.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, caressing my cheek with his finger, moving onto my hair as I didn’t respond.

“I should have warned you. Anna came here today, asking questions. I didn’t tell her anything, I promise. Her ideas were absurd so I thought you would be safe, but I guess I was wrong. I’m so sorry…”

I closed my eyes, the tears flooding them streaming down my cheek and nose. I turned around, hiding my face under his chin, fisting his shirt.

“It’s not your fault,” I whispered, sniffing as he hugged me tightly to his chest.

He lifted my chin up, locking our eyes.

“It’s gonna be okay, you hear me?”

It seemed to me it was the only thing he told me recently. But I knew better to believe him. I closed my eyes in submission.

He kissed away my tears, slowly as if not to startle me, planting his lips on my cheek, my temple, my nose, my eyes. He brushed his forehead against mine, his fingers lacing in my hair.

“You still have me,” he whispered to me before pecking my lips, checking if I was okay with it.

I molded our mouths together, desperate to feel some affection. His breath hitched as our tongues met, the sound of slow luxurious kisses filling the room. He hugged me closer before pulling away, letting out a moan.

“Theo, you must sleep.”

“I don’t think I can,” I mumbled, brushing our noses together.

“I’m right here, I’ll watch over you, I promise,” he dragged his thumb over my lower lip, smiling slightly.

“Promise?” I was hesitant.

“Promise.”

I closed my eyes, resting my forehead against his chest, breathing in the familiar scent. He  _did_  make me feel safe. I fell asleep in his arms, almost believing him, that it was all gonna be okay, that everything had a reason. What was meant to be would come to pass. His chest rose and fell, making me feel like I was swaying, his heartbeat murmuring a secret lullaby.


	32. Reluctance

My face felt warm as my consciousness returned to my body after a dreamless night. It was pressed against something soft and moving, its smell familiar and comforting. He still had his arms around me, keeping me warm as the blanket was crumpled up under us. His heartbeat was still in my ears, more relaxed now than it had been yesterday, slower, calmer, so was his breathing.

I lifted my chin, glancing up to find his eyes already open, resting on me as soon as he was sure I was awake.

“Good morning,” he smiled, little wrinkles appearing in the corners of his eyes.

“Morning,” I mumbled with a sigh, my eyes still half closed.

“How are you?” he asked hesitantly, no doubt afraid I was gonna relapse into last night.

“I’m fine,” I reassured him, resting my chin against his chest, “don’t worry. I won’t break down again. Sorry about that by the way.”

I was a little embarrassed, I had been so broken, so vulnerable, so weak, and Adam had witnessed it all. He had held me together when I couldn’t do it myself and I was thankful, I just didn’t know how to express it properly.

“Don’t worry about it,” he smirked, smoothing my hair back, “as long as you’re okay now.”

“I am, really. Don’t worry, I have a plan.”

“A plan?” his eyebrows lifted up, the creases in his forehead deepening.

“Yes. I’m gonna get her back.”

“Oh are you now?” he chuckled over my enthusiasm, tightening his grip on my body, “And how are you gonna do that if I might ask?”

“I’m buying us an apartment. Girls like that don’t they? Moving in together, that sort of thing..”

Adam’s eyes widened further.

“You’re buying an apartment?” he laughed out loud, “after all the times I told you to invest in a home, and  _now_  you’re just  _doing it_?”

“Well, you’re not a girl,” I huffed, lifting my eyebrow.

“No, I definitely am not.”

He said it with an undertone, but I was too busy thinking about my new plan, too excited to notice.

“Where? Have you at least thought that out?” he asked a moment later.

“London.”

“ _London?_  But why? Manchester is our…” he didn’t finish it, he just looked down at me, his blue eyes sad.

“Yeah, I know. It’s far, but we have as much business in London as we have here nowadays, so I’m being practical for once in my life. You can stay with me when you have to, and I can stay here if need be.”

My logic was undeniable, he had to see it.

“Okay, yes, it’s rather convenient. So I haven’t completely gotten rid of you yet have I?” he chuckled, his teeth slightly visible.

“No, no you haven’t,” I smiled widely, pressing a kiss on his scruffy chin, “so what’s for breakfast?”

  
  


After saying goodbye, I rushed out of his apartment, promising myself not to return until Anna had agreed to speak with me. Once again I stole Mr. Anderson’s car, with Adam’s permission of course, knowing he rarely used it. London was almost 300 kilometers away, I had to hurry if I wanted to find a place, drive back, convince Anna and get her there. Luckily I had all day.

I turned on the radio and sang along to every song, even to the ones I didn’t know, compensating by making up my own lyrics and tapping the rhythm on the steering wheel. My mood was the total opposite from last night. The secret was out, I didn’t have to hide it anymore. And I was gonna make this right, I was gonna get her back, and everything would be even better than before. I was sure of it, it had to be.

  
  


I drove into London without any clue to what I had to do or where I had to go. I had never done this, I didn’t even know where to start.

I stepped on the breaks when a real estate office appeared on my left, accompanied by the screeching of breaks and angry drivers screaming all around me. I couldn’t care less, I had a starting point.

  
  


An hour later I walked out as a new homeowner, satisfied with myself. I finally felt like a grownup, no longer dependent on other people, no longer needing to worry about having a roof over my head every night. The thought of sharing it with someone I loved made it even more magical. I wasn’t built to be alone, even though I had gotten used to it over the years, dealt with it and made everyone around me believe I was fine with it, sometimes I even convinced myself. Anna had brought out the flaws in my plan, I could never go back to pretending again.

I didn’t even think about the possibility that she wasn’t gonna forgive me, I pushed it aside, content on feeling hopeful until it all shattered into million pieces, or came true, whichever came to pass.

I broke the speed limits when driving back. I knew I needed time to make her see the truth in my words, time that happened to be running out. The motorway seemed endless, the stripes blending into one, the trees on both sides seeming like solid walls towering over me, making me feel small and powerless, negative thoughts creeping back in. I turned up the radio, singing along loudly to muffle them out.

  
  


I knocked on her door, my hands shaking. I still had the image of her dead eyes imprinted on my retina, reminding me what a dick I was. I was afraid she wouldn’t open the door if she knew it was me, so I stayed out of sight until she appeared, her face puzzled.

She looked so much better than I thought she would look. I didn’t expect her to cry over me, to wallow in sadness, but she looked like she didn’t miss me at all. She was dressed up, her hair done, make up on, ready to go out and have fun. It hurt a little, knowing she didn’t miss me the way I missed her, but I shook it away. I had no right to expect her to wait for me, to crawl back to me as soon as I showed up. I should be the one doing the crawling, not her.

Her expression changed as soon as I stepped out of the shadows, the corners of her mouth tightening, her eyes growing cold. She was so damaged, and I was to blame. Guilt made my heart contract.

“What do you want?” she asked, her tone sharp and commanding. I flinched, it felt like a slap in my face.

“I just want to try and fix it…I need to-”

She almost slammed the door shut in my face, I got my foot in before it was too late. It hurt. A lot.

“Wait! I bought an apartment for us!” I yelped out, getting straight down to business if slow reasoning wasn’t going to work.

The door stilled, no longer pressing down on my toes that were already screaming from pain. Her face came into view, her stare full of hot coals.

“You did  _what_?” her nostrils flared, “We’re not even together anymore, Theo. And you expect me to move in with you? Have you lost your mind along with your dignity?”

I sighed. This was even harder than I had expected it to be.

“No..of course not. Not straight away. Just come and see it, you’ll love it. We’ll take it from there.”

She was still fuming, her expression wild, like she could rip me apart any minute.

“I don’t want to hear your explanations, they don’t mean anything to me anymore.”

She said it with determination, like she was trying to convince me, and perhaps herself. It gave me back some hope.

“Okay, okay. Deal. I won’t try to convince you I’m not an asshole and you’ll come and check out the apartment.”

She hesitated, her furious expression faltering.

“I was going out,” she said, matter-of-factly.

“I can see that. Can it wait?” I tried to look as sheepish as I could, she needed to be the wolf today, to feel she had control.

“I guess…where is the apartment?”

“In London.”

“What?” her eyes went big, “why would you want to move  _there_?”

“What’s wrong with London? It’s a great city, lots of opportunities. Plus, your mom works there, doesn’t she? You’d get to see her more often if you lived there.”

“I’m  _not_  moving in with you,” she growled, scowling at me, “I’m just coming to see what you got yourself into, alright?”

“Alright.”

I knew better not to argue with an angry woman, it could turn fatal any minute.

“Let’s go,” I stepped out of her way, gesturing towards the car that was waiting on the sidewalk.

She looked at it angrily.

“It’s Adam’s car.”

I was beginning to see her logic.

“It’s his dad’s. You know I’ve been using it every time I’m in town.”

“Where did you stay last night?”

I swallowed, there was no way I was about to reason myself out of this situation.

“Adam’s place. I had nowhere else to go.”

“I see,” her tone was calm again, like yesterday. It scared me more than her yelling.

She moved pass me though, without hesitation. There was this determination in her eyes, I was now terrified.

  
  


We drove in silence, I didn’t even have the nerve to turn on the radio. I could face thousands of people on stage, but now I was cornered by one angry girl. I could hear my own heart thumping away in my ears, my own breath wheezing in and out of my lungs. It felt claustrophobic, like I was locked inside my own body, confined to it with no way out.

She sat on the passenger seat, staring straight forward, her temples trembling in silent fury. I could tell she was making herself angrier and angrier, her thoughts turning around in her head. I knew she wasn’t concentrating on the good times we had, the last days burring everything under a wave of anger and rot, tainting every memory, every moment of happiness. I knew I should stop her concentration, but I was afraid, the coward in me ruining the little chance I had, again.

I pulled up in front of a high block of flats, a big modern-looking building with white walls and angular design. I could have my pick as price wasn’t an issue for me anymore, the realtor was very pleased. We took the elevator to the top floor.

“The penthouse,” she spoke for the first time since leaving Manchester.

“Yeah. You like it?” I asked as the doors opened, revealing a furnished living room, spacious with light shades everywhere and a huge window covering the entire back wall. I had only seen it from the pictures, it looked even better in real life. The view was magnificent.

“It’s vulgar. Just like you.”

I sighed. She was trying to beat me to the ground, and it was working. I knew it was just a defense mechanism, but it still hurt.

“Come on, I know you like it. Who wouldn’t! Can’t you imagine living here?” I walked to the window, feeling superior gazing down, the people on the streets looking like ants.

“In another life, maybe. A few days ago, maybe. Now?” she muttered to herself, looking around, opening the sliding doors to the bedroom.

The bed was huge, wide and high with a detailed wooden headboard that looked old compared to everything else in this apartment. The sheets were white like everything else and looked incredibly soft. I could see myself falling down on them, sinking into the mattress and disappearing altogether. The carpet in front of the bed seemed almost as soft.

Anna just stood there, one of her hands still on the door, her shoulders slumped. I approached her carefully, like you would approach a wild animal in fear of getting your head bitten off. I reached out my hand, hesitantly, my fingers shaking.

“Anna?” I whispered before caressing her shoulder, a feather-light touch that made the hairs on her arm stand up. She could deny me all she wanted, but her body betrayed her. She wasn’t over me.

“Theo, don’t,” she sounded sad, no longer angry.

“Why?” I asked, moving closer still, placing my hands on her shoulders and sliding them down, slowly, until our fingers laced, our bodies pressed together.

She sighed, her head falling forward, shaking a little. I crazed my lips over the newly offered skin, feeling her shiver.

“You know why,” she mumbled, her head lolling to the side, inviting me to press my lips on her neck.

“No…no I don’t,” I muttered, kissing the delicate skin, enjoying the way her hair tickled my face.

“Because I’m angry at you,” she suddenly screamed, turning around and pushing me against the wall, knocking the breath out of me. Her face was twisted in fury again, her hair wild and tousled, her teeth bared. She held me in place with her arms under my chin, pressing down on my throat, backing it with her entire body weight. My knees were buckled, bringing our faces together, her blue eyes in level with mine. I could feel her breath on my face, coming in short labored huffs.

I didn’t fight her, I had it coming. She had a right to be furious, to want to hurt me, I wasn’t gonna stand in her way. I looked back at her, my eyes gentle, telling her I understood.

Her eyes flickered over my face, glistening, welling up from frustration. She growled again, shoving me harder against the wall, her teeth tightly pressed together. My head crashed into the bricks, the pain blurring my vision, a grunt leaving my mouth.

Suddenly her mouth crashed with mine, our lips molding together, teeth clashing. More pain. But I didn’t even notice it. She gave into me! It worked! At least to some level.

She pulled me up from the wall, pushing me towards the bedroom, exchanging angry kisses on the way. She was growling at me, biting at my lips. I could taste blood. Her fingers were tightly knitted in my shirt, her nails scraping my chest. I let her dominate, following her silent commands. She threw me onto the bed, it was as soft as I had imagined it to be. Her small angular body fell on top of me, straddling my hips, gazing arrogantly down at me. She moved them, only once, making everything go black. I wanted her so bad, but I knew she wasn’t gonna just give herself to me. She was gonna make me suffer.

She grabbed my hands and pinned them over my head, her nose brushing mine, her lips so deliciously close. I lifted my head to reach them, but she shied away, sitting up. I stared up at her, my hands immediately flying to her hips, squeezing and pressing myself up at her.

She let out an annoyed moan, opened her belt buckle and pulled it off her pants. She took hold of my hands again, tore them away from her body and stretched them up, wrapping my wrists in leather. She fastened the buckle around the wooden headboard. I tugged at it, it didn’t budge.

She sat back, a satisfied smile stretching her lips. She had me exactly where she wanted, tamed, with nowhere to run. My shoulders were burning already from the strain this position put on them, but I didn’t care. She was with me, on top of me, sensual and full of lust. Like a lioness….or a cat.

She hooked her fingers under my buttons and pulled, ripping away most of them. I heard the fabric tare and I flinched, it was one of my favourite shirts. My pants joined the rest of my clothes on the floor, soon I was naked while she was still completely covered. Another sign of her dominance.

“Come on, this is not fair,” I breathed, trying to free my hands again so I could get us even.

She pulled her shirt over her head, revealing her red bra.

“Life isn’t fair,” she mumbled before showing it into my mouth and fastening it in place.

I was now unable to move or talk, but I could still feel, see and hear. My senses were now strangely heightened, like they were trying to make up for the restrictions I was under. In some ways this was better, more exciting, exhilarating, having no control over what was happening to my body.

I was glad she chose to leave my eyes uncovered. The sight of her undressing herself made my brain turn into jelly. I couldn’t think straight anymore, every coherent thought stopped on its tracks by the overwhelming instinct for pleasure. She knew exactly what she was doing to me, slowing down her actions even more, peeling her tight jeans off her legs like she was getting paid for it. I groaned through the gag in my mouth, my eyes turning back in my head when she sat down on top of me again, no fabric separating us.

She ran her hands up over my chest, tugging at the little hairs there, grabbing one of my nipples between her fingers and twisting, hard. I cried out, trying to shy away from her, but she only giggled, grabbing the other one as well. Tears ran down my face, but there was nothing I could do.

The pain slowly melted into pleasure, my cries into moans, instead of shying away I leaned into her. She stopped as soon as she saw I started to enjoy it, moving on to the next thing. She continued her slow torture, getting more creative, breaking me the way one would break a horse before riding it.

It was her intention all along. She grabbed hold of me, lowering herself, moaning shamelessly as she finally got what she had been building up to all this time. The torture wasn’t over yet though, as she kept the pace unnaturally slow, lazily rolling her hips until I was begging for her to speed up, with my eyes, of course, as my mouth was still sealed shut. That’s when she stopped moving completely, grinning down at me, licking her lips. I whimpered, trying to thrust up, but she didn’t let me.

It wasn’t until I gave up the fight when she started again, with a fast pace this time, lifting herself up from her knees, creating more depth. I was already so turned on I came within minutes, arching up from the mattress, lifting her up with me. I growled, biting down on her shirt, my eyes rolling back into my scull.

She didn’t stop. She kept going, riding me, bringing me to the brink of tears as the heat inside me built up again. It was almost painful, which was no doubt her intention all along. Her moans filled the room, reflecting off the bare walls, mixing with my low grunts. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to get back control or I was gonna have a heart attack at the age of 25.

I diverted all my remaining strength, what little was left of it, to my arms, pulling at the restraints as hard as I could. The headboard creaked and shattered, a piece of it still attached to the leather band. Anna’s eyes reflected surprise as I sat up, my hands still bound together in front of me, bringing them over her head and flipping us over, thrusting down. Her mouth opened, her neck stretching back. She hadn’t expected this. I continued the pace she had set for us, only altering the angle so it was right for both of us, driving her over the edge in no time, trying not to be too far behind myself.

I rolled off of her, falling onto the soft sheets, staring blankly up at the ceiling without really seeing it. I tugged away the gag and wiggled out of the leather bindings, throwing them on the floor. A goofy grin appeared on my face. I had never done anything as wild as this, she had been on fire!

I glanced sideways, chuckling to myself, but stopped as soon as I saw her face. She wasn’t smiling. 


	33. Relapse

I stared up at the ceiling, feeling Theo’s eyes on me. He had fell silent, waiting for me to do something, to say something. But I couldn’t.

I’d had this night all planned out, I would’ve gone out with my friends, distracted myself with alcohol and perhaps a lovely boy who could make me forget for a little while. I wasn’t easy, far from it, but the crashing and burning of my first love had left me empty, in search for something I myself couldn’t identify.

When Theo had shown up on my doorstep, begging for me to come back to him, the wound ripped even further. Not because of him, although it would’ve been easier to blame it all on him and no one else, but because of myself. Because I understood I still wanted him, I still loved him and I was even ready to forgive him if we had enough time. He made me understand how weak he had made me, how dependent, how pathetic. I wanted to feel powerful again, the way I had felt before he came along, when I was still fully in control of my life.

I went along with him to test myself, to see if I could be with him without falling to temptation, without discarding my own dignity. I couldn’t. It had made me so angry that I had taken him with fury, tried to compensate by binding him, by taking away his freedom, by torturing him every way I knew how. In truth, it was me who had been tortured, his every moan sent shivers down my spine while at the same time overwhelming me with guilt and shame. But I couldn’t stop. I needed to get him out of my mind and ignoring the lust would’ve just made things worse. So I went for it, knowing I would feel bad afterwards but unable to resist.

And I did feel bad, because the tightness in my chest had relaxed a little, but I wasn’t ready to forgive him yet. I didn’t know if I ever would be, but it gave me false hope and it was worse than no hope at all.

I turned my head to look at him, meeting his worried and confused eyes. We stared at each other for a moment, neither of us knowing where to start or what was appropriate. Eventually he breathed in and opened his mouth only to be interrupted.

“I’m leaving for school for a few days,” I stated, trying to sound indifferent. I could hear my voice, it was unnaturally cold, “I’ll see you around.”

I needed time to think, to weigh my options, to consider every outcome. I couldn’t just dive back in without serious consideration, if ever.

I sat up, searching for my clothes, feeling his eyes on my back. He still hadn’t said anything.

“Sure, I’ll come by when you’re home .”

  
  


***

  
  


I watched her gather up her clothes and leave. I had no idea what to think, what conclusions to draw. I was never good at figuring women out and she was an extra complicated specimen.

I still had hope it would work out fine though, I was used to thinking positive, what with 4 years of practice when there was absolutely nothing else to look forward to than a weekly trip to the dole office. I had gotten through it thanks to my relatively strong mind, and thanks to Adam. We had kept each other in check and on the right bath. When one of us lost our way, the other would pull him back. I needed that, I needed  _him_. I just hoped one of Anna’s conditions wouldn’t demand giving him up.

I heard the lift doors close as she left. I suddenly remembered I had driven her here, how would she get back?

I ran, grabbing my boxers on my way out and dragging them on backwards in a hurry. I could’ve just called her but I couldn’t find my phone from the pile of clothes on the floor. I had to wait for the elevator to come back up before I could follow, tapping the wall impatiently.

I ran out when finally reaching downstairs, straight through the lobby and onto the street, not minding the startled looks and whispers I got from the late shoppers. I looked both ways, seeing her blond hair disappearing behind the next corner. I ran after her, my bare feet feeling every bump on the road, my naked frame shuddering from the chilly breeze.

I rounded the corner and almost ran into her. She had stopped and was now fidgeting with her cellphone, only noticing me when I stumbled to a stop next to her.

“Theo, what the-,” she stared at me, “why are you naked?”

Her eyes were wide as she checked for any witnesses.

“I remembered. How are you getting home? I can take you. I-”

“No, it’s not necessary, I have a friend going the same way, I already called him.”

“Oh…him?” I asked, trying to sound only mildly interested when in fact I was dying to know who it was. I had only met her girlfriends, never a friend.

“Yes,  _him_. Now get off the street before you get arrested for public nudity! The press would have a field day.”

I glanced down at myself, only now registering the fact that I really was standing in the middle of a street in my underwear.

“Shit, yeah, you’re right. You sure you’re okay?” I asked again, inching back towards the privacy of the front door, hesitant to just leave her here alone.

“Yes! Now go, I’ll be back on Wednesday.”

The corner of her mouth twitched up, it was almost a smile. Oh how I missed seeing her smile. I would’ve given anything to hear her laugh again.

“Okay then, see ya!” I snorted, glanced down once more and ran back the way I came.

Heads turned as I passed them. I was glad it wasn’t Manchester, I’d bet my favourite hat that a naked man running rampage was a much more common sight here than it was back home. I waved to an old lady who almost walked into a lamppost and slipped through the doors to the lobby, sighing in relief when I found it empty. It was the last thing I needed, making a first impression on my new neighbors, dressed in nothing but shorts. I planned on keeping the apartment for years to come, taken it wasn’t found out by another mental fangirl screaming through my letterbox. I should probably keep the nudity to a minimal…

I rode back upstairs, stepped into the living room and stopped in front of the glass wall, still feeling superior while doing it. She was right, it was vulgar to an extent, but it suited me. I had always had dreams about becoming famous, successful, buying myself an apartment just like this. What was wrong with living my life to the fullest? Who wouldn’t when presented the chance! Anna was gonna come around.

  
  


I hung out at the apartment for a while, checked out the storage space, tested the new telly, even took a shower although I had no products or clean clothes. I slumped down on the bed afterwards, checking the time only to find out it was still too early to go to sleep, but too late to go anywhere. Unless it was to drink, but I wasn’t in a mood, not alone at least. I realized I couldn’t wait to tell Adam everything so he could be happy with me. I wanted to drive back, but I was afraid I was gonna fall asleep at the wheel, so I crawled under the soft covers and dozed off, earlier than I had in years. The emptiness of the new apartment was overwhelming, there was no one breathing besides myself, no shuffling of the sheets next to me, not even the sound of traffic down below as it was muffled out. I hadn’t slept alone in so long, Anna was always with me, or Adam, recently. I imagined his arms around me, remembering his scent, almost smelling it. The sound of his heart thumping away, rhythmically, hypnotizing and making me sleepy.

It worked. The room fell away, leading way to hazy dreams I would no doubt forget in the morning. Dreams weren’t meant to be remembered, I had always thought. They showed too much insight to our subconscious, too much things that should never come to surface, that would never be allowed to emerge unless the control over them was gone.

The people, the places, the symbolism was lost on me, gone with the first light, never to be found again.

  
  


I set off as soon as I got up, which was very early considering I had nothing else to do last night than sleep. I was well rested for a change, no cloud of exhaustion hanging over my head. The morning was beautiful, the sun slowly rising into a clear sky, a rare sight this time of year. I opened the car window and turned off the radio, just enjoying the wind and the sound of birds yapping away at each other. I was a country boy, no matter how weird it seemed. I loved camping, I loved the forest. That’s why I also loved festivals.

Adam was the total opposite. A city boy, the bigger the better. He couldn’t stand sleeping in a tent or the lack of hot water. He freaked out over the tiniest mosquito bites and constantly sprayed himself with awful smelling repellents. It was sometimes hard to relax with him around, but I didn’t mind. I found it adorable and loved picking on him. Even the guys had joined in countless times, taking things a step further and plotting up pranks, one worse than the other. I felt bad for him sometimes, but I discarded it as soon as I saw his face or heard him yelp. He had learned to laugh at himself, which made it easier for me as I didn’t feel guilty for being a bad friend. He knew I loved him even though I had never told him, not with a straight face at least.

  
  


I knocked on his door, only then remembering to check the time. It was 9 o’clock in the morning, too early for Adam. He always slept in.

A sleepdrunk face appeared when the door opened a crack, his hair sticking up in all directions. His eyes were still half closed, the frown wrinkling up his forehead disappearing as soon as he saw it was me.

“Theo! What are you doing here so early?” he mumbled while rubbing his eyes.

“I had nothing to do after Anna left so I went to bed early…and therefore woke up on the brink of dawn.”

“Oh, right! How did it go?” he asked, opening the door and waving me to come in. I noticed he was wearing the same brand of boxers as I was. We had got to start shopping in different places…

“I’m not sure. It seemed to go very well, but she acted kind of weird. I guess we’ll see, she’s away at school for a few days.”

“Oh that’s good I guess, at least she didn’t shove a door in your face,” he mumbled as he waddled back towards the bedroom, not noticing the strangled laugh his comment brought on, “I hope you don’t mind, I’m still due a few more hours of sleep. You can tell me all about it later, yeah? Seems you’re not going anywhere soon anyway.”

He fell back on his pillows, curling up into a tight ball, his eyes instantly closing. I chuckled, he was grumpy when sleepy.

“Yeah, of course,” I huffed and landed next to him, fully clothed, staring up at the ceiling.

His breathing deepened as he dozed off, his muscles relaxing. I closed my eyes as well, listening to him. I wasn’t sleepy at all so I just daydreamed, my thoughts turning around in my head. I was warm and comfortable…and not alone.

 

A warm hand cupped my face and I opened my eyes, finding Adam awake and smiling at me.

“Are you awake now?” I chuckled, nuzzling back against his touch.

“Yeah, for a while now.”

“Why didn’t you poke me then? I wasn’t sleeping anyway…were you watching me?” I frowned, hoping I didn’t drool.

“You’re interesting.”

His eyes smiled along, his teeth slightly showing. I lifted an eyebrow, sending him a questioning look. Interesting? What does that mean?

But he didn’t answer, he just patted my cheek and rolled off the bed, grabbing his bathrobe and hiding himself under it.

“I’m starving. You coming?”

  
  


We spent the day just hanging out, talking. I told him about Anna and her behavior, leaving out the dirty details, and he offered me advice in return.

“When do I get to see your new apartment then?” he asked after fetching himself a cup of coffee.

“I don’t know…whenever! But I have to go see Anna tomorrow so maybe after that? It’s amazing, I’m telling you! You’re gonna love it!”

He laughed, seeing how excited I was.

“I’m sure I will.”

My stomach grumbled loudly, reminding me I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Adam snorted, his eyebrows hitting the sky.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were hungry? I’ll fix something up..” he started sitting up, but I stopped him.

“No, let me. As a thank you for putting up with me all those months.”

He hesitated.

“Theo…are you sure? I mean…the last time you insisted on cooking my kitchen almost burned down.”

“Don’t be daft, I’m a great cook and you know it. You can come and keep an eye on me if you don’t trust me.”

I jumped up and headed to the kitchen, already half way though searching his cupboards for ingredients when Adam finally arrived and landed on a stool. He didn’t have much.

“Dear lord, your fridge looks like a typical bachelor’s,” I shook my head, closing it.

“Well, I  _am_  a bachelor, aren’t I?” he scowled at me, crossing his arms over his chest.

“How is that by the way? With the amount of advice you’ve given me on women, you should be married with 5 kids already!”

He sighed, pinning his hands between his thighs, trying to find a more comfortable position.

“I don’t know..I guess I haven’t met the right girl yet.”

“Maybe your expectations are too high,” I offered, filling a pot with water and setting it down on the stove.

“Maybe I don’t have any.”

I glanced back at him while opening a bag of pasta. He was deep in thought, a frown bringing his eyebrows together. I decided it was better to drop the subject before we got into a fight. They were rare to come by but when they did, they were a force to be reckoned with. I couldn’t afford to lose his support right now.

I turned back to the stove, pouring the pasta into the hot water. It would take some time to get ready…

Salad. Adam loved salad.

I folded up my sleeves and started chopping up the vegetables, still avoiding looking back. He would open his mouth when he felt like it.

I could feel his breath on my neck before the weight of his head rested on my shoulder. I glanced sideways. His face was so close it was almost out of focus. I smiled and turned back to the job at hand, chopping a tomato into tiny pieces.

He nuzzled his nose against my neck, breathing in.

“Are you smelling me?” I chuckled, feeling my cheeks heat up.

“You smell good,” he simply replied, crazing his lips over my skin. I shivered but acted like I wasn’t even bothered by it.

“What’s this?” he suddenly asked, closing his fingers around my wrist and lifting it up. I looked and sighed, surprised by what I saw.

My wrists were bruised, purple blotches running all the way around, the edge of the leather belt clearly visible.

“Oh…Anna tied me up.”

He didn’t say anything and released my hand so I could continue. His head was still resting next to mine, his chest pressed against my back. His scent lingered in the air. I felt the bottom of my stomach tightening up.

He pressed feathery kisses on the crook of my neck, moving slowly upwards, crazing his teeth over my skin. A soft moan escaped my lips before I could stop it.

My head fell back, stopping when it hit his shoulder, his mouth still sucking on my skin. The knife clattered on the table as I lifted my hand and laced my fingers through his hair. He moved closer, pressing himself fully against my back, his hands snaking around my waist. I tilted my head to the side, searching. His mouth covered mine in an instant, his teeth pulling at my lips, his tongue searching for a way in.

I opened my mouth, our tongues meeting, the sound of my breathing filling the room. My fingers pulled at his hair, pressing him closer still. I felt his hand slide over my abdomen and on to my crotch, palming me trough the fabric. I covered his hand with mine, stilling it.

“Wait…”I breathed between kisses, still unable to stop, “what are we doing?”

He slipped the other hand under my shirt and up across my chest, his slender fingers tickling my skin.

“Do we have to analyze it?” he asked in return, shoving his tongue further down my throat.

I tried to moan in protest, but it came out as something else. My hand that was restraining his loosened and guided him along. I felt a familiar feeling, something I thought had been lost forever, but was now here, stronger than ever. The need, the uncontrollable desire we had indulged in once already. I knew I shouldn’t, but unlike the last time, I didn’t stop him.

I could feel him hard against my bottom, pressing against me as I leaned back, trying to get as close to him as possible. His hand was squeezing me, the other running teasing circles under my shirt. I whimpered as his fingers brushed over my nipple, my legs growing weak.

He broke our kiss, pulling away with a smack and turning me around, our foreheads clashing. I could see every detail of him, every little freckle on his nose and on his cheekbones, his bright blue eyes turning black as they ate me up, the gap in his teeth that were peeking out between his parted lips. Every part of him was beautiful, perfect on its own way. I fanned my fingers out over his cheek, watching in awe as his creamy skin clashed with my tan. He was breathing heavily, his eyes clouded, focused on my lips. I licked them before devouring his mouth again.

The kisses were different, more gentle, tender, but still luxurious. He hugged my waist and lifted me up, setting me down on the table. My legs crossed behind his back, closing him in a tight hold. He rubbed himself against me, I could feel he was as far gone as I was.

I pulled his shirt over his head, smoothing my hand over his muscles, moving on to kissing his neck. He got rid of my shirt as well, throwing it on the floor where it was soon joined by our pants. He hooked a finger under the elastic band of my boxers, pulling it away from my skin and snapping it back.

“Ow!” I yelped, giggling and shying away from him. He didn’t let that happen, grabbing the thin fabric between his fingers and pulling them off. I lost my balance, falling backwards onto the table, laughing out loud. Something fell to the floor with a clatter, but we didn’t notice. Adam grinned widely, slipping out of his boxers while watching me sprawled out on the table. He grabbed my hips, pulling me closer to the edge, leaning over me and kissing my chin.

My knees rose up around his hips, my hands caressing over his sides. He groaned before molding our lips together, muffling out my moans. His hands smoothed up my thighs, rounding my ass, and went back up, leaving goosebumps on their trail. He took hold of my arms and pulled me back up with him, our chests crashing together. There was nothing separating us anymore. I looked down, blushing from the view of it. Adam followed my gaze, smirking before reaching down and grabbing me between his fingers, squeezing gently. I shut my eyes and held my breath, my nostrils flaring.

“Nnh-fuck,” I breathed out through my nose as his thumb ran over the head in little circles.

“As you wish,” Adam muttered, his voice husky and rough.

He hiked my legs up over his waist, his expression determined. My breath got stuck in my throat, knowing what was to come. I could feel him, pressing up against me, breaching me slowly but forcefully. The air wheezed out of my lungs as my eyes watered up, my body confusing pain with pleasure. Adam sucked on my lower lip, trying to distract me from the violation on my body. I growled, my thighs pinning him in place once he was fully mounted, our eyes burning into each other. My chest was heaving against him, our skin slicking together. We were wrapped up in each other, his arms tightly around me. The feel of him inside me, stretching me was so new, so exciting, and still oh so familiar. We fit together perfectly, like two pieces of the same puzzle.

I nodded sharply, giving him permission to move. He pulled back, ramming back in with a grunt. His teeth were pressed together, his expression almost painful. My mouth gaped open as he slammed into me, my fingernails digging into his back. There were lights dancing around behind my eyelids as I closed them, bursts of adrenaline bumping through my veins. My entire body was tingling, my limbs trembling as he moved, his strokes deep and well though out.

He hugged me closer, laying me down on the table, leaning over me, not losing his pace. The cool tabletop under my back created delicious contrast with my fuming skin, confusing my body even more. Everything was crashing down, all the systems, my thought process, my breathing…

I slammed my head against the hard surface as Adam angled his hips just right, almost pushing me over the edge right then and there. A quiet sob found its way up my throat. It was all too overwhelming. Everything I was feeling, physical, emotional…I was so confused.

I gritted my teeth together as Adam repeated his movements, clearly picking up on what worked best for me. I had to use all my remaining willpower to keep myself together.

“Come, Theo…” he breathed, his lips touching my ear, “come for me.”

Hearing his voice, whispering, begging me to go and take him with me…

My eyes rolled back in my head, my back arching, my insides tensing up, clamping down on him without restraint. A continuous moan rippled through his chest as his mouth gaped open, his last thrusts becoming sharp and shaky.

Our bodies stilled, slicked together, panting and clinging to each other. There were little explosions going off all over me, my limbs, my brain, my stomach. I could feel I was trembling, and I wasn’t the only one.

I slid my fingers through his hair, kissing the top of his head that was resting on my chest. I could feel his fingers lazily tickling over my sides, my legs still draped around him. I couldn’t move.

“I thought we weren’t gonna do this anymore,” I sighed, tilting his head up with my finger, pressing a soft kiss on his lips.

“Do you regret it?” he asked, his eyes still dark.

“No. No I don’t.”


	34. Confession

I woke up in his arms, feeling incredibly warm. We had tumbled to his bedroom last night, both too spent to think about the ruined pasta or anything really, enjoying the moment.

Only the lower part of my body was covered, but I didn’t even notice the chill thanks to the heat radiating from his skin. I smoothed my cheek over his chest, feeling the softness of it, the bit of my stomach doing somersaults as a wide smile spread across my face. I hadn’t been this happy for a long time and it felt so right, this was where I belonged, where I was always meant to end up at. My entire body tingled from the realization, from the positive wave of emotions suddenly devouring it, overwhelming all my senses. A shudder ran down my spine, the tremors spreading throughout my body.

“Are you cold?”

Adam’s sleepy voice reached my ears as he tightened his hold on me, rubbing his hand up and down my arm.

“No,” I mumbled, hiding the goofy grin that was still on my lips.

“Then why are you shivering?” he tilted my head up to see my face, his expression puzzled.

“I don’t know, I guess I’m just happy.”

He smoothed his thumb over the corner of my mouth, his own twitching up. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever, not saying a word, drowning in the other’s eyes. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he wondering the same about me? Did he feel the way I did? Should I ask him?

I decided not to. Words were unnecessary. I didn’t need to hear them, I already knew. Last night opened my eyes, made everything clear. A resonant decision formed in my head, for once in my life I wasn’t doubting myself. As much as it hurt, it brought me peace. There was no way back for me, I was never gonna be the same.

“I need to go talk to Anna,” I sighed, breaking the long-lasting silence. Adam’s eyes regained focus, his brow creasing up ever so slightly.

“Yeah…I know,” he sighed, running the tips of his fingers slowly over my forehead, like trying to remember my features, “I don’t want you to go though…”

He whispered the last part, so quietly it almost felt like I was listening in on a secret. I caressed a finger over his mouth, replacing it with a kiss. It was long and lingering, our lips slowly moving against each other, no excessive force, no intent on deepening it, just pure need for contact. Everything about it was soft, his lips, his quiet sighs, his fingers caressing my cheek. The flutter in my stomach grew stronger, threatening to suffocate me. My eyes got damp, the emotional rollercoaster turning out to be too much for me.

I pulled away, intent on not letting Adam see me crying again, even if it was from happiness.

“I really have to go,” I sighed, nuzzling his cheek, my hands smoothing down his sides.

“Yeah…”

Still, we didn’t move. I was glued to him, the thought of leaving making my heart contract. I would’ve taken him with me, but this was something I needed to do alone.

  
  


Half an hour later, after tearing myself away from him, I was on my way. And I was afraid.

I was afraid of what I was about to do.

I was afraid of her reaction.

I was afraid of the consequences and the unfathomable outcome.

I was afraid of myself.

I couldn’t run away from this, even if it was all I wished for at that moment. I had to take responsibility for my actions, I had to see this thing through, even if all I wanted was for the problem to disappear. Real life didn’t work this way, and I had finally accepted I also belonged there as much as I repelled it. Adam had always kept my feet on the ground, kept me from doing something stupid, but now he was the reason for my dreaming. And I was lost.

  
  


Her house looked darker, more terrifying than ever. I dreaded it, but fought the instinct to run to the opposite direction. She opened the door on the first knock, her expression carefully composed.

“Can I come in?” I asked, my voice quiet and shaky.

She nodded, stepping out of the way. I entered her house, the familiar smell that used to be so comforting now injecting a chill to my veins. She just stood there, her arms folded across her chest, waiting for me to finish gazing around.

My eyes returned to her, my mouth gaping open to start the inevitable.

“Anna…” my voice cracked, I had to cough it clear before I could continue, feeling her eyes on me the entire time.

“Anna, there’s something I have to tell you. I just don’t know where to start…”

“Another apology? If so, don’t even-”

“No,” I cut her off, wincing from the sharpness of my own voice, “that’s not it. I…God this is hard. I realized something last night. Something that I should’ve understood a while ago. It would’ve saved us both a lot of heartache.”

Her eyes were narrowed, trying to figure out where I was going with this.

“The thing is…we’re not making each other happy. Not anymore. I know it’s my fault and I’m sorry, I truly am, but we can’t go on like this.”

Her eyes went big, realization sinking in.

“You’re breaking up with me?” she asked, bewildered.

“Well, you said it yourself, we’re not together as it is…”

“I know what I said! I just…” she trailed off, “what brought this on?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. I knew what brought this on, and so did she. She just wanted to hear it from me.

“I…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

“It’s  _him_  isn’t it?”

There was a viciousness in her voice I didn’t recognize. The way she said “him”…I had always thought they got along well with Adam, but it seemed all the good times had been forgotten.

“I would be lying if I said it wasn’t.”

“What exactly were you doing when you realized this?” her tone was expressionless again.

“It doesn’t matter! What matters is that we can’t stay together while I’m thinking about someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to you!”

“Right! That’s what you’re thinking about…what’s not fair to  _me_! If that was the case you wouldn’t have slept with him in the first place!” she was furious, her eyes glistening.

“I know. It just happened…”

“Things like that don’t just happen!” her voice grew louder, higher, more hysterical by the second, words pouring out of her. I didn’t know what else to do. Everything I said seemed to make things worse.

Time seemed to have lost its meaning, slowing down rapidly. I watched her teeth bare, her beautiful face twisting up in anger and hurt, leaving it somehow deformed. I studied her, almost clinically, distancing myself from what was unraveling before me, sealing myself in, my ears mute, my eyes not fathoming what was happening. I denied my own fault in it, everything that had gotten us to this point, just to keep my sanity. I told myself there was nothing I could’ve done, nothing anyone could’ve done. We were not meant to be, even though I loved her. Sometimes it just wasn’t enough.

I took everything lying down, not muttering a single word in response, her fury leaving me speechless. She was panting when she stopped, her chest rising and falling in labored breaths.

“I’m sorry.”

Her eyes went dead as I turned my back to her, walking away in silence. There was nothing left to say, nothing I could do to make it better, make it right. My presence only hurt her more. I went, sure about one thing. I was never gonna see her again.

I was never gonna hear her laugh, see her beautiful eyes light up when I walked through the door, feel her kisses on my skin. It was really over. And the worst part was: I didn’t feel guilty.

I knew I should have, it was the logical way, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t help what I was feeling, it had been out of my hands since the night I had that dream.

I headed back, hyper with excitement, impatient to tell Adam everything. I imagined his face when he heard the news. It was beautiful.

My thoughts had this great peace about them, like everything had finally fallen into place. I was exactly where I was meant to be, going towards what my destiny had always intended for me. It wasn’t a place, or a job, it was a person, someone who had been there for me every step of my journey, supporting me, keeping me from giving up, nudging me when I was slowing down.

That person was exiting his building as I pulled up in front of it. My heart swell with pride when I realized he was mine, and I was his.

His face lit up when he saw me, grinning from ear to ear. I strode up to him, took his face between my hands and pressed my lips to his. He took in a sharp breath, surprised. He pushed away, determined but still gentle, glancing around to make sure no one saw.

“Hey, what was that for?” he chuckled, his hands cupping my face.

“I did it,” I said breathlessly, smiling at him.

“You did what?”

“I did it, I broke up with her, I ended it for good.”

His eyes grew big with shock.

“You broke up with her? Why? Why the fuck would you do that?” he sounded bewildered.

“Why did you think I was going to talk to her? After..”

“I don’t know. Anything but this! I thought you wanted her back!” 

“I thought so too…before last night,” I sent him a shy half-smile.

“Last night…” he was now confused, “what…”

“Don’t you get it, we can finally be together! No guilt, no responsibilities! We can have it all!” I was so excited, I almost bounced up and down.

Adam’s face fell, his smile disappearing, his hands dropping to his sides. He eyed me with horror, his mouth gaping open. That was not what I had imagined, not even close.

“Come on, say something!” I begged him, bringing my fingers to his chest, hooking them through one of the buttonholes.

He grabbed my hand and pulled it away, taking a step back, his eyes not meeting mine.

“Adam…” I whispered, stepping towards him only to see him get even further away. I was losing him and we hadn’t even started yet.

“Theo, I can’t,” he finally looked at me. I couldn’t read his face, it was full of mixed emotions, anger, pain, confusion, fear, “we can’t.”

I gaped at him, my chest tightening up, my throat closing until I couldn’t have said anything even if I wanted to. Even if there was anything left to say. He didn’t want me.

Everything I had dreamed about disappeared, pain twisting up my face until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

“Theo…” Adam’s concerned voice reached me through a haze. I ignored it.

I dropped the keys, heard them clatter when hitting the pavement, before turning around and taking off. I had to get away from him, the further the better. My steps grew bigger, finally crossing over to a jog, then a full-on run. I couldn’t move fast enough.

I heard him calling after me, but I blocked I out. I couldn’t face him like that, with tears running down my face, so weak, so repulsive. The pain in my chest was unbearable. Now I knew what heartbreak really felt like, torture. I had lost the only person who had always been there for me. There was no one left to pick me up anymore. I was more alone than ever. 


	35. Hurt

I ran till I couldn’t anymore. My legs were weak, my lungs burning, my eyes dried out. I simply stopped, stood in the middle of the pavement, people going by without granting a second glance to the miserable statue planted among them, like I was invisible, just like I was invisible to  _him_.

The illusions had crashed down upon me, the colours drained away from the world. The sky seemed gray rather than blue, the grass yellow, the dirt gray and dried out. Everything was dying around me, even the people. Everyone seemed to be old and wrinkled, teeth rotting out, thinned hair shuddering in the cold wind. I was repulsed by what I saw. I was gonna end up like one of them, alone, no friends, no family, shitting myself on a regular basis with no one to care for me. At least no one who didn’t get paid for it.

I raised my hands, watching as they shook, from exhaustion and anger. Anger at  _him_ , at the society for rejecting what seemed so natural to me, at Anna for encouraging me to confront my fears…and again, _him_ , for pushing me this far. For driving me to he edge and leaving me there, the storm threatening to push me off. I fell, shattering to a million pieces, and he didn’t even care. He didn’t give a shit.

I glanced up when an especially wicked wave of cold autumn wind almost toppled me over, knowing I should feel cold, I should be freezing, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t feel a thing, the numbness spreading over me, my brain sealing off what my body couldn’t handle. My heart turned cold, freezing in place, the pain preserved inside it, waiting for its time to be free again.

My mind wondered, my body still petrified. What was I to do now? I had nowhere to go, no friends to count on, the only real one lost forever. I had nothing…

I remembered something, through the haze of my thoughts. I  _had_  somewhere to go. I had a home.

But how could I get there? I had no car, the only mean of transportation was lost with the keys I so unwittingly dropped in front of his feet. It would’ve been so easy to just drive away, so much simpler, but I hadn’t thought of that then. Back there my only instinct was to get far away from him, discard everything that would remind me of him, break free so my heart could recover from the brutal beating in peace.

The scars would remain, ripping a little every time I saw him, every time I heard one of our songs, every…

Our songs…

I had lost them too. Everything I had worked so hard for, every accomplishment. There was no way I was gonna be able to work with  _him_  ever again, so closely, forced together the way we had been for years. “Joined by the hip” they said…

We were ripped apart now. With no anesthesia.

I forced my legs to move again, one in front of the other, like teaching a child to walk. It took so much concentration, so much effort. They carried me towards the nearest liquor shop. I knew this part of town, we had often stopped here before a party, stocking up on alcohol, Gin for me, whiskey for  _him_ …

I needed a distraction, something to make me forget for a little while, something to numb my senses. I knew it wasn’t going to last, but I was damn well gonna try, even if it killed me.

There was a rough looking man sat on the edge of the pin when I came out with my bag, full of cackling bottles. He eyed me up and down and stood, walking up to me.

“You want something stronger? You look like you could need it.”

His breath stank, his teeth yellow and rotten. He was thin, almost bony. I shook my head, turning to get away.

“That’s what they all say at first, but they always change their mind later. C’mon, you don’t have to use it. Think of it as a backup.”

He winked at me, shoving a hand into his pocket, retrieving a little packet full of pills. I gaped at him, my eyes darting between his face and the drugs, my mind running rampage. I found myself slowly nudging towards him. Was I really doing this? I hadn’t tried anything remotely narcotic since I still walked around with a leather jacket with nothing but bare skin under it. I still remembered how it felt, liberating until it started to wear off. I could’ve used it now…

“Fine,” I croaked, shoving some money his way to get it over with before I could change my mind.

I left him satisfied, taking big steps, feeling the weight of the little package in my pocket. Tonight was for forgetting, I had everything I needed to make it happen, I just had to find my way back.

I was shit at hitchhiking, plus I had no patience for it. I had no one to call for a favor. I had no clue about the buses…but I had money. Right now wasn’t the time to be a prude.

I took a taxi, paying him royally in advance when the driver started to protest after hearing the address. He couldn’t refuse.

“Do you mind?” I asked after being on the road for a while, raising a bottle of Gin.

“Not at all. Go for it,” the driver gave me permission. Like he was gonna deny me anything considering how much of the fee was going to his own pocket.

There was no tonic, just pure Gin, bitter and mindboggling. I welcomed the taste, enjoying the shockwave every sip sent through my body. I hadn’t eaten much today, it was sure to hit home soon enough.

My pocket started vibrating. I fished the little gadget out of it with a groan, switching the bottle to my other hand. My heart twitched in its icy cell for a moment when I saw the screen.

“Adam calling”

I had avoided saying his name, even thinking it, and now it was screaming in my face.

I pressed the red button, only now seeing that I had 10 missed calls, all from him. I switched my phone off and tossed it on the seat, downing another big mouthful. It felt like liquid fire going down my throat. I could feel it. The only thing I  _could_  feel. And I welcomed it.

“Everything okay back there?” the driver asked, glancing in the rear view mirror.

“Splendid,” I muttered, half way through the first Gin. I could feel it’s tentacles crawling up my limbs, my muscles relaxing.

“You don’t look like it. Who was that on the phone?” he tried to start up a friendly conversation. I frowned at him.

“None of your god damn business. Just drive and shut up.”

I had no interest in befriending the cabby, he was just trying to distract me so I wouldn’t puke all over his precious car when I drank too much. That wasn’t going to happen, I had no intention of wasting it on the fake leather seat.

  
  


A couple of hours and a bottle later he stopped in front of my building. It was late already, the sun had disappeared behind the city a while back. I gathered my stuff, squinting in the dimness, making sure I had everything. I was swaying already as I stepped out, my head feeling heavy on my shoulders. I didn’t bother to thank the driver, he was a dick. If I hadn’t paid him in front, I would’ve probably walked away.

He drove off as soon as the door shut behind me, maybe he was afraid I was gonna sit back in. I pressed the second bottle to my chest and waddled up the stairs and to the lobby, the bright lights blinding me.

My eyes had gotten used to the dark, like one of the creatures who lives underground. I could get used to it, the darkness, it meant no one could see me even if they tried. They wouldn’t see my misery, my total patheticness. No wonder he didn’t want me. I was disgusting.

I didn’t turn on the lights when I reached upstairs. I just slumped down against my windows, the same ones that had made me so happy not long ago, but rendered me indifferent now. I didn’t care about the fancy apartment, the huge TV, the white leather sofa. They were just things, objects, not companions. They didn’t comfort me. The clean clinical surfaces only made things worse as I felt so dirty among them, so out of place again, not belonging here.

I tore my eyes away from the interior, glancing down over the city. It would’ve been beautiful in the dark, the colourful lights scattered around as far as the eye could see. But mine didn’t, not really. I stared blankly, not fathoming the beauty of it, just the feeling of loneliness as it amplified, looking at all the lit up windows, knowing there was someone behind each one.

I looked down, searching for the feeling of superiority that I had felt before. But it didn’t come. Instead, as I looked at all the people rushing about in the streetlights, I felt even tinier, like I was the ant this time, crushed by the mere number of them. There was thousands, millions of them, but only one of me.

I opened the next bottle, trying to drown my miserable thoughts. It worked…for a while. It killed the pain that was starting to creep back into my heart, but I still remembered. I remembered his horrified face, the way he ripped my hand away from his body. He didn’t want me to touch him. He was repulsed.

What had I become? A lonely creature with nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. With one conversation, I had ruined everything. At once. Everything that ever meant something to me, everything that was important. I was unemployed again, but this time I didn’t even have  _him_  to lift me up from my knees when I fell. There was something wrong with me. Everyone goes away in the end.

It felt like my chest was caving in, the pain returning with such force it beat the breath out of me. My eyes watered up, my mouth open, trying to gasp in whatever I could take. My hands clutched my chest, clawing at it as if it would help. I toppled over, my forehead crashing with the cold floor, my legs crunched under my limp body. Spit trickled down my lip, falling to the ground. I couldn’t swallow.

One of my shaky hands tore away from my chest, fumbling with my pockets until it found what it was looking for. The packet.

I just looked at it for the longest time, panting, blinking away the tears. I had to do something or I was gonna go insane. I had never been afraid of death, not really, but the thought of going mad was terrifying. I wouldn’t end up like that, I couldn’t.

I tore the package open with my teeth, the pills clattering out over the floor. I picked one up, hesitating before putting it in my mouth and swallowing it. I couldn’t feel anything different so I took another.

They started sinking in, my head going lighter, the blinding pain in my chest easing. I sat up, breathing deeply, my throat no longer sealed shut. I closed my eyes, my head falling back, my mouth opening with a sigh. It felt amazing compared to what I had felt a minute ago. My senses sharpened, my mind moving faster. It was liberating, exhilarating.

I screamed out, wailed, howled, cackled. I shook my head, the picture in front of my eyes not quite catching up to my movements, swimming along at a slower pace. I placed my hands on the window, pressing my nose against the glass. The lights were brilliant! They moved around like they had a life of their own and I was the only one to see it. I was privileged. I was special. I was…

I felt sick. My vision blurred, my focus drifting. My limbs felt heavy, my chin dropping to my chest. I sat back, hearing a clatter behind me, too zoned out to care. The horizon drifted, went sideways and finally stopped. The word was vertical. It made my head spin.

I closed my eyes, wishing the roller coaster would stop, wishing I hadn’t taken that last pill. Wishing he would be here just so he could feel guilty over what he had done to me. Wishing I had never said those words to him. Wishing I had never remembered that first night. Wishing…

  
  


***

  
  


I called after him as he ran, the helm of his suit flapping in the wind. I could clearly hear the desperation in my voice. His face…it was burned into my mind. I had never seen him so hurt, no physical pain had ever made him that way. The guilt was overwhelming.

I had done this to him, I had done this to my best friend, to my…

I didn’t even know what had happened, not exactly. He had come to me, excited, hyper and full of energy. My heart had contracted when seeing him like that. It was exactly how I had felt this morning, before he brought up Anna. I had known he was gonna go back to her, but the way he brought her up when he was still in my arms…it hurt.

I had sulked around my apartment the whole morning, waiting for a text or a phonecall that told me they were finally back together. That last night could never happen again.

And then he was here just when I had decided to clear my head from all the bullshit, almost bouncing on me, kissing me in public. I was surprised, but rather pleased. His lips always tasted wonderful, felt wonderful…

And then the atmosphere changed. He said something I didn’t expect, something I couldn’t have predicted in a thousand years. He caught me off guard, baffling me, fear washing over me, strangling me. I froze, unable to speak, unable to explain myself, unable to look him in the eye. He would’ve seen my fear and taken it the wrong way. It wasn’t like I didn’t want him, I needed him. But this was different, more serious, more final. Was I ready for this?

He touched me, but I pushed him away. I couldn’t let him distract me. If he came too close now, all rational thoughts would disappear. I had to be grounded.

“Theo, I can’t,” I finally glanced up, composing my face, “we can’t…”

How was I supposed to make him understand? Should I tell him we couldn’t be together? No, I couldn’t say that, I knew it wasn’t true. We  _had_  been together since the first night in Germany. It wasn’t a usual relationship, far from it, but on a fundamental level we were connected the way no ordinary friends could ever be. Still, being together for real, exclusively,  _dating_. That word, associated with Theo, scared the shit out of me. I had never thought of myself as gay. I  _wasn’t_. But with Theo…

I battled with myself for too long. When I finally focused on Theo again, his expression had changed. Drastically.

He looked tortured, tormented by something only he could see. His face was scrunched up in pain, his breath stuck in his throat. His eyes glistened, his mouth gaped open. He looked at me like he had never seen me before, like I was a stranger, hurt and disappointed.

“Theo?” I said his name, hoping he would snap out of it.

He didn’t. It was like he didn’t even hear me, like I wasn’t even there anymore. His fingers released the keys he was still holding and they clattered to the ground in front of me. I opened my mouth to explain but he was already gone, his back to me, getting away from me, faster and faster. He was  _so_  fast, I could’ve never caught him.

I took my phone and dialed his number, letting it ring until it went to voicemail. What was I thinking? He wasn’t gonna pick it up while sprinting away from me.

And even if he did, what would I say to him? Wait till I figure this thing out? He would laugh in my face. I turned around and walked in the other direction, continuing my stroll that was supposed to clear my head, but left me only with more questions.

I reasoned with myself, telling myself I couldn’t have saved that situation, whatever I would have told him, not without lying. And I didn’t want to lie, not to him.

I didn’t even remember what I had been doing with my life before I met him, before he became my friend, almost my brother, but I couldn’t think like that, not anymore, not after everything that happened between us. We were so much closer than brothers. We were…

It was hard to but a label on him. It always had been. He was a force of nature, crashing into everything but still somehow coming out intact on the other side. He was spontaneous, impulsive, temperamental, sizzling, explosive, charming, everything I was not. He fascinated me, intrigued me, left me wondering, always. It was never dull around him.

I laughed with him, cried with him, was angry with him, always together, always in tune. I missed him when he was not around, felt good when he was, felt even better when he was close. We had been glued together for so long, one might think we were sick of each other, but we weren’t. I couldn’t get enough of him.

He dragged me along with his crazy plans and schemes, made me be like him for a moment, and I was thankful. He made me come alive. I was a different person thanks to him and I didn’t regret any of it.

So who was he to me? Who was he really?

Just my best friend? No.

My brother? Never.

My lover? Maybe.

My soulmate?

I stopped on my tracks. I had fed myself information, everything we had, everything we could have, everything we were to each other. And I felt stupid. How could I have pushed him away?  _Why_? He was everything to me. I needed him in my life. I had accepted only his friendship all those years, knowing it could never be more, wishing somewhere deep down that it could be. I had know then, how could I have forgotten?

I took my phone again, dialing his number, not getting an answer. He was gone and I had no idea how to find him. I tried to think of a place he would go, coming up with nothing. It wasn’t like I didn’t know him, I did, better than anyone else. Just, there weren’t many places left. He always stayed with me when here, but there was no way he was there now. The only other place I knew he had crashed was Anna’s, but he certainly wasn’t there either. He had nowhere else to go…

Except his apartment. I had forgotten about that. It was in London though, but Theo was very resourceful, he would find a way to get there, even without the car.

I had a destination…although I had never been there. I didn’t even know the address. How could I find him in a big city like London without it? I had to ask someone, someone who had been there, someone…

Anna.

She was the only one who had seen the place besides Theo, as far as I knew. She could tell me where to look. But I was afraid. Now I knew why Theo had been so reluctant to talk to her, to tell her what happened between us. She was scary.

I set off towards her house anyway. I had to find him and nothing was standing in my way. I kept calling his number until his phone got turned off. Did his battery die or did he do it on purpose? I added speed to my steps, anxious to see him again, to fix this, to make things right. I didn’t exactly know how I would accomplish that, but I was willing to do anything.

  
  


I knocked on her door, hastily, my knuckles hurting from colliding with the hard wood. She opened the door, shocked by seeing my face.

“Adam?” she sounded surprised at first, but anger seeped into her voice, “What he fuck are you doing here?”

“I…can I talk to you? Inside? It’s really important.”

I dragged my hand over my hair in despair, no doubt looking like I was about to cry. I felt like it too.

She frowned, her jaw clenching, but stepped out of the way.

“You better have a good explanation.”

“I do…” I sighed, “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

“Figures,” she huffed, leaning against the wall.

“It’s Theo…he’s, kind of, missing.”

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Trouble in paradise already? That was quick.”

“You have to understand. I didn’t know about this, what he was going to do today. Most likely I would’ve stopped him. And when he broke the news to me, I freaked out…and I don’t know why. After all, I was the one who initiated this, who pushed him..” I muttered, my eyes focused on the ground. I was ashamed of myself.

“What does it have to do with me?” she sounded less angry, less lethal.

“I need to find him and I think I know where he is. But I’ve never been there, you have.”

Realization spread across her face.

“And why would I tell you? After everything. Do you have any idea what you two have done to me? It was bad getting your heart broken once, but then he gave me hope again, even when I fought against it, I still felt it. I imagined what it would be like if things went back to normal, back to the way they were. And then he came here and crushed it all over again! Do you _know_  how much it hurt?”

She was talking calmly, keeping her voice even, trying not to let her fury burst out.

“No, I don’t. But he does. You should’ve seen him,” I sighed, the memory burning its way though my brain. I closed my eyes, my voice cracking.

She was quiet for a while, thinking, weighing her options. She was a good person, I knew she’d do the right thing.

“Fine. I’ll tell you. But you have to promise me something in return.”

I looked up.

“Anything.”

“Leave me alone. I don’t want to see either of you ever again.”

  
  


I got a friend of mine to drive me there. I wasn’t much for company though, tapping away at my knee nervously, wishing for the ride to go faster, take less time. He noticed my impatience, asking what was wrong. I told him Theo was in trouble and I had to get to him fast, he didn’t question it.

  
  


When we finally stopped in front of his house, I almost jumped out of the car.

“You sure you don’t want me to come up with you? You might need help.”

He had offered before, but I had politely declined. Whatever was to happen, we had to be alone. I wasn’t gonna leave until I was sure we were okay. Or better than okay..

I ran to the lobby and headed straight to the elevator. Anna had told me where to go and what to do. I was thankful.

The ride seemed too long, too slow. I was so anxious to get to him I was afraid I was gonna go insane from the waiting, only if I was only a few minutes away.

The doors opened to a dark apartment. I couldn’t see anything besides the blinking lights of the city below. I could vaguely make out the shape of the couch in the middle of the room, nothing else. I had no idea where the light switch was.

“Theo?” I called out. No answer.

Fear creeped into my chest again. What if he wasn’t here after all? I had nowhere else to look.

“Theo!” I yelled louder. Still nothing.

I took out my phone, lighting my way, the beam barely reaching the floor. I stumbled along, trying to make sense of what I was seeing. An empty Gin bottle caught my eye, it was half hidden under the couch. I picked it up, Theo’s favourite brand. He had definitely been here.

I moved along, getting closer to the windows, the light coming in from there making it easier for me to assess my surroundings.

My breath got caught in my throat, I was nailed to the floor. I could see a shape against the city lights, a familiar shape. It was him, but he wasn’t moving. He was lying on his side, his back to me, seemingly staring out over the skyline. He was too still.

“Theo?” I called out, rushing to him, forcing my legs to move. I knelt over him, my pants drenching in something wet.

His eyes were closed, his mouth open. I looked around, searching for an explanation. I saw another bottle of Gin, most of it spilled over the floorboards, now soaking up my trousers. There was something else. Pills, little white pills I recognized, scattered all around him. Desperation took over my body, my eyes stinging.

“Theo!” I shouted at him, shaking his limp body. There was no response. I was now terrified. At least he was still breathing.

“Shit shit shit shit,” I mumbled, pulling at my hair, trying to think of something.

I hauled him up off the floor, something I could’ve never done in a normal situation, but my strength was fueled by adrenaline. His legs tangled limply in the air, his head falling back as far as his neck allowed it. I felt tears streaming down my face. This couldn’t be the end, not now, not when we could finally be together.

I carried him to the bathroom, setting him down in the shower. He slid down against the wall, staying in an awkward pose, his hands on his sides, his head fallen to the side. He was like aragdoll, no sign of life in him. I turned on the shower, setting it to cold, letting the water run down over him, suit and all. Nothing happened at first.

I was ready to call 911 when he finally moved. It was just a twitch, but it was enough.

“Theo!” I yelped with relief. He was gonna be okay, of course he was.

His mouth closed and opened again, his nose crunching up, his brow creasing in a frown. A little moan escaped his lips, then a little mumble. I was so ecstatic I crawled to him, ignoring the cold water rushing down on me, hugging him to my chest.

“Thank god,” I sobbed, the tears still running freely.

I could feel him moving against me, weak but responsive. His hand gripped the back of my neck, sliding down as he was too weak to hold it up.

“What’r’ya doing here?” he muttered, his words barely recognizable.

“I came looking for you. And it’s a good thing I did. What were you thinking?” I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away, looking at his face. His eyes were half closed, barely seeing, the water running down on him making it hard for him to open them. I shut it off, confident that he wasn’t gonna pass out on me again.

“Sh’t ’p.”

I smiled. He was still there, the Theo I knew so well.

Come on, let’s get you to bed, you’ll catch a cold.

I lifted him up by his arm, his legs barely supporting him. I had to drag him or he would’ve sat down right then and there. I made the best bet, heading towards the room that was most likely the bedroom. I got lucky.

I laid him down on the bed, smiling as he sighed and closed his eyes. He looked peaceful, even after everything that had happened. He couldn’t go to sleep in wet clothes though, so I dragged them off. He wasn’t co operating so it presented a challenge, but I managed. I gathered everything in a big pile next to the bed, adding my own drenched attire on top of it.

Theo was sprawled out on the bed. I had to drag the blanket out from under him, rolling him to one side. I covered him with it and crawled next to him, draping my arm over his waist. His forehead was pressed against my chest, his hands gathered up into a sloppy knot between us. I entwined our legs, pulling him closer, enjoying his skin against mine. His deep breathing filled the room, hot puffs of air caressing my skin. I smoothed my hand up and down his back, resting my chin on the top of his head. I was still astonished by the state I had found him in, thankful he hadn’t gone further so there wasn’t no way back for him. I had the sudden urge to protect him.

I watched him sleep, smiling every time he nuzzled up against me. There was no way I could doze off, I had to keep an eye on him, in case he needed something, in case something happened. I had just gotten him back, there was no way I was gonna let him go now.


	36. Beginning

_Flashes of light, swirling colours, random sounds, things that shouldn’t have been there and things that should have but weren’t. Things I wanted to see, but couldn’t, wanted to touch but couldn’t reach. Desperation and yearning, tears and smiles, cries and yelps and horror. And no way out._

_The whirlwind that I had created for myself kept me confined to my mind, the need to escape overpowered by the fascination and curiosity. It was a perfect trap for me, for my tortured soul and twisted imagination. It was an escape, I didn’t want to leave. There was nothing waiting for me on the other side._

_But something pulled me back, tried to drag me away from the shackles, tried to break the chain that was holding me down. I fought against it. I didn’t want to go, it was easier to stay. But it didn’t listen, the seemingly invisible force, powerful enough to shake me to my core. It kept persisting, pushing, pulling, rotating, calling…_

_My will started to falter and melt away, submitting and admitting defeat. My body, light as a feather until now, started falling. My limbs grew heavy, my head adopting the weight of the world. My insides tumbled over, the free fall making my heart flutter and skip a beat. The ground was speeding towards me, my mouth opened, nothing but a strangled sob came out. My eyes flew open just before I hit the jagged rocks below._

  
  


***

  
  


I caressed my fingers over his bare arm, absentmindedly, staring at his face. His features were sharp, perfectly molded.

His nose, as if carved out of pure marble, so straight, so perfect.

His lips, so sensual and yet so manly, perfectly shaped and coloured, slightly open as he breathed in and out evenly.

His forehead, broad and tanned, the little crease above his eyebrows deepening every now and then as he dreamed.

His eyelashes, long and thick, fanning out over his cheekbones, fluttering slightly.

His freckles, everywhere, covering his fine features in intricate patterns.

A wave of absolute adoration washed over me. I smiled as he mumbled something in his sleep, nuzzling closer against my chest. He had been restless the whole night, shifting and sighing. He said my name once, at least I think he did. It was just a mutter, so quiet I almost missed it. My heart contracted painfully, he had been dreaming about me.

I hugged him closer, my arms squeezing his lean body against mine. He seemed so tiny just now, it felt like I could break him any moment if I didn’t control my strength. His skinny legs were tangled with mine, his toes cold against my skin. His hands were pinned between us, his fingers slightly touching my stomach.

He moaned as his nails dug into my skin, his body twitching. His eyes darted around behind his eyelids, hot breaths washing over my chest as his nose pressed against it. I considered waking him up, but I knew how grumpy he got every time that happened so I just watched him wither, hoping it would pass and he could rest again.

His knee shot up between my legs, barely stopping before causing permanent damage. I closed my thighs around it, fixing it in place in case he decided to lash out again. He whimpered, his fingers attacking my skin again, grabbing at it like he was trying to hold on to something. I smoothed a hand down his spine, trying to soothe him, get him to relax.

His eyes shot open, a soft sob sealing his throat shut. I pulled him closer, pressing my lips to his hair, whispering that it was gonna be okay, that I was here. Theo froze, his breathing stopped, his body stiffening. He lifted his head, slowly, like dreading what he was about to see, his lip quivering as his eyes met mine. He closed them quickly.

“I knew it…I’m still dreaming,” he mumbled, shaking his head, his slender fingers gripping my sides.

“No you’re not,” I whispered back, brushing a rebellious strand away from his forehead, pressing a kiss in its place.

“I’m not?” he sounded doubtful, still refusing to look at me.

“Open your eyes,” I sighed, caressing his cheek, encouraging him, “look at me, Theo.”

He held his breath as his eyelids rose again, his dark eyes fixing on my face. They were big and glistening, looking up at me like a lost puppy.

“I’m here,” I reassured him as he didn’t answer, kissing the tip of his nose, my lips lingering.

“But…how?” he was still confused.

“I came to find you. And a good thing I did, you were pretty out of it. What where you thinking?” I sighed, leaning my forehead against his, “something could’ve happened to you. You could’ve been killed!”

“I don’t remember…” he muttered, his gaze running over my face and down my body, discovering that we were both naked.

“I’m sure you don’t. How are you feeling?”

He was quiet for a moment, assessing the situation.

“I feel fine, maybe I’m not quite sober yet. But then again, it  _is_  a dream so I guess it’s normal…” he nudged closer, draping his arm around my waist and resting his head under my chin.

“It’s  _not_  a dream!” I groaned, taking his head between my hands and lifting his face in level with mine. He was smiling dreamily, not hearing a word I said.

I pressed my lips to his, getting an eager response. I had hoped it was gonna wake him up, but it didn’t work, he just fell deeper into the reverie.

I sank my teeth into his lower lip, getting a surprised yelp from Theo’s side. He drew back, touching the sore spot with a trembling finger.

“What did you do that for?” he whined, staring at me accusingly.

“You still think you’re dreaming?”

Realization spread across his face, the glint in his eyes returning. He brought his hand to my face, touching it like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, his fingertips following the shape of my jaw. His lips spread into an honest smile, he chuckled, bewildered by what he saw.

“You’re really here…but…” he broke off, lowering his eyes, remembering the horrors of yesterday, “you didn’t want me…you pushed me away…you-”

“Theo, I’m so so sorry,” I blurted out, lacing my fingers in his hair and resting my forehead against his, “You caught me off guard. I was scared and stupid…I didn’t mean to…”

He was still not convinced, trying to look at anything but me.

“Theo…please,” I brushed my lips over his, “I want this, I really do. I wanted this even before I admitted it to myself. It was always meant to be like this, can’t you feel it?”

His chin trembled slightly, his eyes still fixated at the wall behind me.

“You broke my heart,” he simply stated, his voice cracking ever so slightly.

I sighed, feeling terrible. I had hurt him so much, him who I had sworn to protect. But I couldn’t protect him from myself.

“I could mend it for you if you let me,” I muttered before brushing my lips over his again, testing his reaction.

His gaze slowly focused on me again, still doubtful, but I could see a flicker of hope. I just had to prove myself to him again, I had to show him I was serious about this and that he could still trust me.

I nudged my nose against his, aware that he was watching my every move. I pressed my lips to his chin, flicking my tongue out as I moved lower. He let his head fall back, exposing his neck, allowing me to move forward. His stubble tickled my face, making this somehow more real. His hands returned to my waist, gripping tightly.

I licked my way back up, covering his mouth with mine. His lips were thin but soft, a perfect fit with mine. He sighed into our kiss, his hot breath washing over my face, making me dizzy. He parted his mouth, dragging the tip of his tongue over my teeth, the way he always did. I smiled widely, knowing he liked it that way.

My hands cupped his face as I deepened the kiss, my tongue sliding softly against his, pulling back a moment later. He kissed the corner of my mouth before molding our lips together again. He moaned as our tongues met, this time there to stay.

We had to come up for air every now and then, the room filling with the sound of wet kisses and silent moans. I slid one of my hands lower, under the blanket, resting it on his hip. I caressed the soft skin there, drawing little circles, eliciting goosebumps. His hips drew closer to me, his back arching.

I leaned down against him, forcing him on his back. I hovered over him, holding myself up, trying not to crush him while our kisses got more heated by the second. He draped his arms around my neck, pulling me down with force until I laid on top of him. He didn’t seem to mind the weight.

I opened my eyes, watching him while we kissed, his cheeks flushed, his temples pearled with sweat. He did it with such passion, his nose crunching up, a jolt shooting straight down to my groin.

I tore away from him and sat up, straddling his thighs, leaving him panting and wanting for more. He looked up at me, his eyes gradually traveling lower until they stopped where our bodies were connected.

“We’re naked,” he bluntly stated, like he had just noticed.

“Yeah…” I chuckled, looking down, feeling my cheeks burn up from the sight, “Our clothes were wet…so I took them off.”

“You undressed me,” he quirked a half-smile, his eyebrow shooting up, his hands smoothing up my thighs.

“Yes…” I wiggled on his lap, my back straightening up as his hands reached my hips.

“Did you like what you saw?” he sent me a challenging look, pinching the soft flesh and making me shiver.

I leaned down, flicking my tongue out at his lips, enjoying the way he lifted his head in attempt to steal some more kisses.

“I always do when it’s you…” I whispered, sitting up again, smoothing my hands from his shoulders, down over his chest and stomach. He was lean, I could count his ribs as I dragged a finger over them. I brought my hands slowly up again, feeling the texture of his skin, the light hairs, the way it expanded while he breathed. I applied more pressure, fanning my fingers out over his abdomen, his fingertips digging into my flesh in the process.

I studied his body, the way I hadn’t let myself do before in fear of missing it too much when it went away. I had been sure that eventually it would. But now I knew better. He was mine and I was his, I could map his movements and features, knowing they were here to stay. I could feel every muscle under his skin, tensing and relaxing, rippling with each breath. I watched his face as I worked my hands over his body, got lost in the blackness of his eyes, smiled when he twitched once my fingers brushed over his nipple. He was so sensitive, feeling every feathery touch, his mouth gaped open in a soundless plea.

I leaned down, kissing him, our foreheads bumping together. I could feel his hard length trapped between our bodies, his hands trying to pull me closer. I gasped as his hips jerked up, causing friction. He nibbled at my jaw as my fingers traveled lower, brushing down over his sides, his wast…

I lifted myself enough to wedge my hand between our bodies, palming him. He grunted, latching on to my neck, sucking till it became painful. I grabbed hold of him, bulling slightly. He gasped, his head throwing back, his eyes squeezed shut. I took my hand away, crawling higher up, rubbing myself against him, I needed some attention. He didn’t seem to mind.

I sat up, his cock trapped under me, smiling down at him wickedly as I moved my hips. His hands edged towards my crotch, his fingers brushing slightly over the sensitive skin.

I grabbed his shoulder, pulling him up. Our chests collided, his arms wrapping around me, his mouth devouring mine. We were breathing heavily, it was the only sound filling the otherwise dead silent room. I wanted him, with everything I had. My body yearned for him the way it had never wanted anything. The way he held me close, he was so strong. I loved feeling fragile for a change.

  
  


***

  
  


His body glowed in the dimness, his muscles drawn out against the shadows. He moved against me, the sensation making my mouth dry. The way he looked at me…

He had told me he wanted me, that we belonged together. I didn’t believe him at first, even though I wanted to, but he was very convincing. His eyes radiated the need, I could see it so clearly, but there was something else there, something under the surface, something boiling, something powerful.

I wanted to touch him, my hands edging towards my goal. My fingertips tickled as I brushed them over his length. I couldn’t do anything else though as I was tugged up a moment later, his breath heating up my face. His lips were swollen, sliding over mine, in perfect unison. His chest rose and fell against mine as he panted.

I hugged him to me, it seemed he could never be close enough. I didn’t have to worry about hurting him, I could just let go, use my strength to show him how much I appreciated him, how much I wanted him, how much I needed him…

His hand rested on the crook of my neck, the other one reaching down as he raised himself, looking down at me, his eyes clouded. His hair was sticking out in all directions, tousled by my fingers constantly running through them. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from his face even though I desperately wanted to see what he was doing.

I felt his hand wrap around me, guiding me in. He lowered himself slowly, trying not to wince. His mouth opened, his breath stuck in his throat. I hissed as I breached his body, the pressure was unbelievable. I smoothed my hands over his back, soothing him with soft murmurs as he sat down completely, clenching around me. His eyes were closed, his nostrils flaring, sweat appearing on his forehead. I waited, nuzzling against his cheek, whispering that I believed him.

I captured his lips, our kisses no longer rough and desperate, but soft, full of emotion. I was tingling all over my body, like little needles poking at my flesh. It wasn’t unpleasant, quite the opposite. I sighed, one of my hands rounding his ass, stopping on his thigh.

My hips angled up, giving it a try. It was a short and shallow thrust, but his jaw fell slack, a groan rumbling through his chest. I repeated it, enjoying him melting into my shape as his head fell forward, resting on my shoulder. He was holding on to me, tensing with my every move, nibbling on my neck.

He started moving with me, creating the necessary friction without ever disconnecting from me. I could hear his breathing accelerate, his heartbeat drumming against my chest. His blunt fingernails digging into my back, his teeth sinking into my collarbone. I thrust up sharply, eliciting a shout as he clenched down on me, relaxing as I went back to my old rhythm.

This was nothing like the previous times, no mindless fucking, no search for a release, knowing it was wrong. This had a purpose, it meant something, there was a future for us that hadn’t existed before. It was a new beginning, a milestone on a longer road, a journey we were yet to take, but eager to set off on. It was like our first time, the previous encounters dissolving into nothingness.

The pressure was building up in the bit of my stomach, slowly but gradually, threatening to take over. My hands were trembling, our bodies dripped with sweat. It was a blissful torture.

His mouth edged towards my ear, his raspy breaths tickling my skin. He pressed his nose against my temple to keep his face in level and whispered.

“I love you”

My mind exploded, my vision going black. I couldn’t see anything, hearing only those words on repeat, over and over again. My thrusts gained force, I couldn’t hold back anymore. Adam clung to me, his legs wrapping around my waist, his arms around my shoulders, a rippling moan bouncing off the walls. He collapsed around me, squeezing the life out of me as I finished with one last shaky thrust.

We were trembling, our hearts threatening to burst out of our chests, sweat slicking us together. I kissed his neck before taking hold of his head, lifting it away from my shoulder. His eyes were glistening, his pupils still fully dilated. His chin was scrunched up, like he was about to cry. I smoothed down his hair and pressed my lips to his, giving him a soft kiss. I beamed at him, a wide grin stretching my lips, teeth shining in the dimness.

“I love you too”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue: http://archiveofourown.org/works/358087


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